August 2008 Archives

Olive, Age 13, says:

The whole concept of breaking up with friends at my age is a little unrealistic. Yes I have been broken up with but it was more just hints. They gave them, I read them, I found new friends.

One experience I had is I tried to break up with a friend that just kept letting me down. Eventually she was making me laugh again and I was remembering all of those fun memories we had together and I just decided we could still be friends but we wouldn't be quite as close as we once were.

A problem with telling a girl that you don't want to be their friend any more is that they usually just try to be your friend even more. They change themselves, become clingy, etc. and then you just don't want to be their friend even more. This is what leads to hints. For the most part, hints just don't work because most girls just can't read them. What does work? Growing apart. For girls my age breaking up with a friend usually has to do with change so what ends up happening is you hang out less and less and you simply grow apart.

So I wonder, can you really break up with a friend and can you really stay best friends as you go through change?


Christine, age 37, says:

I have had women in my life who I thought we were soul sisters, the kind that are forever friends, only to realize that even 'soul sisters' break up. During our friendship if you had told me there would be a 'break up' I would have said, "You're crazy. No way!" These are the women who help put me back together when my entire life fell apart at the age of 30... they are the women I helped put back together during their divorces, miscarriages and career disasters... they are the women who I had walk beside me when I got married... and they are women who I consider my family.

I have "lost" at least three of these 'soul sisters' in the past five years. Each time one left my life, it felt (and hurt) like a breakup with a guy. The same questions played over and over in my head... "Why can't we talk about this and make things right?" "Why doesn't she want to be friends anymore?" "Does this mean that we weren't really soul sisters?" Sometimes I got mad and conjured up thoughts like "Screw her! If she can't be real with me, I don't want to be friends with her." But when I was real about my own feelings... when I let myself drift into a memory or look at a photo of us, I was really just plain old S-A-D. I missed them. Honestly, I still miss them. But what's a girl to do? You can only reach out so many times until you realize, "Hey, maybe this relationship has run its course. I have to let go or I am going to make myself miserable."

Here's what I wish. I am not naïve enough to think that all friendships should last forever. But I do think that some of the ones we lose could stay if we were willing to be more honest with each other. I do have soul sisters who I have been friends with for over 10 years, and I know that we will be friends for a very long time. Why? Because we are real with each other. When it gets hard, when a feeling gets hurt or an expectation or need isn't being met, we go deeper with each other. We stay. We don't disappear, avoid phone calls, or send that "it's been nice to know you hallmark like" email. We meet each other as sisters, as friends and as two women who really realize how precious our relationship is. And to be honest, that is what my expectation is for a forever friend. That is my truth. And to be doubly honest, I am still working on the reality that not all 'soul sisters' will be forever friends. That is my heart.


Linda, age 60, says:

As it is in all relationships, being a forever-friend requires almost as much commitment as a marriage. I have three girlfriends who have been part of my life for over 40 years. When I think about the element that is different in these relationships compared to others who have come and gone in my life, it always comes back to love.

As simplistic as that may sound, it is the one emotion that is always present when we think about or speak to each other. Each of these friendships was developed when we were in our teens and early twenties. We blossomed as women together, raised children together, leaned on each other for support, cried together through our sad and painful moments, and laughed through our wild and happy times. The foundation was strong.

As we moved into our thirties and the marriages were ending and the children were growing, our lives took us in different directions. Back to work, back to school, back to the country... and the times we were apart were greater than the times we spent together. Months would go by before one of us realized that we hadn't spoken. All it took was a phone call and it was as if no time had passed. We kept each other informed of our changes and stayed current with each other's lives. We couldn't bear the thought of being a "yesterday friend"... not with someone who knew our history and the paths we had traveled. Not with someone we loved so much.

As I was writing this, I looked to the plaque hanging on my wall... "Friends are the family we choose." These women have been my soul sisters and they continue to be even now. Our friendships have lasted all of these years because we give each other room to grow and to change and to walk down whatever path we choose. We delight in each other's achievements and grieve with each other's heartaches. These aren't transient friendships based on selfish needs. These are the friendships that last a lifetime... the very best kind!

I love you K, D & A!!

Olive, age 13 says:

Overall, there would be a lot of things that I would change about relationships with other girls. I would change how friends communicate with each other and then just how we act towards other girls. A lot of times I find that when one friend has a problem with another friend all they will do is talk about the other person. If you are mad or just annoyed with a friend you should just try to talk to them about it. I do this with one of my friends. Whenever I have a problem with her, I try my best to tell her, and then she tells me some things that have been bugging her. Doing this helps build happier and stronger relationships with your girlfriends.

Something very special about girls is that most of us can tell when someone is gossiping about us, or when someone just doesn't like this. Of course, this leads to problems. For most of us, it makes us mad which then usually leads to more gossiping and disliking so then the circle continues. The fact is, just because you don't like the way someone looks or the way they act doesn't mean that you have to put them down. If this whole circle didn't happen imagine how much fun we would all have together! In my case, at dances we could ALL dance in a big circle together and laugh together and then we could have a friendly relationship with everyone.

Most girls seem to be naturally catty, so for the most part; we just have to tolerate it and just ignore it. Talking about your feelings to someone is a great start because doing this builds trust. It allows you to have better relationships with almost everyone because then when someone is mad at you they know that they can talk to you and that you'll understand. Just remember that if you don't like someone that doesn't mean that you have to hurt their feelings.

NOTE: When talking to someone about a problem you have with them, be sure not to be too personal and don't blame it on them. For example: If you're annoyed that your running buddy is slow, you can't just say "You're too slow" instead maybe you could say, "I've noticed that we're not quite at the same pace so maybe we could do a little bit of training this month."


Christine, age 37, says:

When I was 30 years old, I went to my first "retreat" a.k.a a weekend hanging out with 25 other women trying to improve their lives. It was my maiden voyage into spending three whole days with only women. Truth be told, I had always been one of those girls whose friends were 90% of the boy variety. Only a very few women were allowed in. Unbeknownst to me when I signed up, this retreat would be the start of that percentage shifting the other way. On the day before returning to the "real world" I had a serious "a-ha" or what I have come to call an "epiphanette," not quite the magnitude of a full-blown epiphany but still very significant.

My epiphanette on this feminine-filled weekend was this: I judged other women all the time. I was a walking judgment machine, whether it was the pretty girl walking down the street who was skinner than me - "She must be a catty, stuck up snob" -- or the girl at work who got promoted quicker than me when it was clear (to me) that I was much smarter - "She must have done 'something' to get ahead."

What I finally realized was that these judgments had been keeping me separate from other women all my life. They had set up a me vs. her dynamic and because of that I was missing out on the deep satisfaction that comes from being truly connected to other women. What I started to understand was I had no idea who these "other women" really were. What did I actually know about that pretty girl walking down the street? Maybe her grandmother had just died or maybe she was in a bad relationship. What did I really know about this chick at work? Maybe her lack of self-esteem caused her to over perform or maybe she really did deserve the promotion. These were the thoughts that the epiphanette brought to me... and it changed how I viewed other women forever.

I gave up judging other women that weekend and instead started looking at each of them for the human beings that they were - full of hopes, dreams and fears just like me. It didn't mean that I started liking every woman I met. But I no longer saw them as the enemy or drew a quick judgment to make myself better or to make her seem like less.

And that is what I would like to change about the relationships we have with women - to stop judging each other and to start seeing each other for the real people we are inside. My hope is that we can stop pitting ourselves against each other and start realizing how much we have in common. My challenge to all of us girls is to step up and choose to offer our open hands to each other instead of our nasty fangs.


Linda, age 60, says:

Oh, the joy of being the "older woman!" Age has taught me something wonderful about my girlfriends... we are who we are. In the years when I was learning about myself as a woman, I chose to only trust and appreciate women who thought and acted as myself. Now I love my women friends for all of our differences as well as our similarities, and that makes the relationships so much more authentic. And that's where it is with my friends.

On another level, I'm also dealing with women in business as well as the community at large. And this is where my attitude changes. It's interesting for me to notice how less apt I am to be generous with my tolerance, and how much more quickly I make judgments about the women I encounter on this level. I'm definitely more guarded with this group; it even feels different as I write. Outwardly, I give the appearance of being my true self but inwardly I know that I'm measuring exactly how much of myself I want to reveal.

Sister Friends: warm & fuzzy

Business Acquaintances: calculating & guarded

My Aha! moment came as I was rewriting this entry in thinking about why I approach my business associates in a less-than-authentic manner. There's a part of me that feels vulnerable when interacting with people I don't know well. Yet, when I think about what my friends love most about me, it's my warmth, trustworthiness and genuine self that draws me to them. What if this perceived vulnerability was just an illusion? I'm a strong woman. It takes more than gale force winds to knock me over. I'm going to give that a try this week. Just be Me. I'll let you know how it goes.