March 2009 Archives

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Often when we read magazines we first see... THE COVER!!! You tend to see a celebrity. Imagine: Long and wavy flowing hair. Tan and toned body. Beautiful makeup. Bleached white teeth. Couture dress. This is what some women aspire to be. They get a picture in their head and strive long and hard to become it. Why? The most common thing is simply not being pleased with how you look because it's obvious that if you LOVE who you are and the way that you look that you're not going to be trying to be something else. But women who do feel like they "must look like Jessica Beil" tend to have issues with themselves. We see our unnoticeable flaws from the EVIL OBJECTS!!!!!!!

EVIL OBJECT 1: The mirror. Everyone has one yet they are so bad! They are where we check ourselves to make sure we look our best. The mirror is where we see that non-flat stomach. The mirror is where we see our zits, unwanted hair, cellulite, etc. It's where we stare at ourselves and it just stares right back. It tends to be an image of hatred and judgment simply from not loving yourself. Isn't that the look when you see people judging you when they don't love you or think you're beautiful?

EVIL OBJECT 2: The Wii. No we do not all have the Wii but happen to own one. It has several tests where at the end it will tell you what age you are based on how well you did. I have gotten my age, 14, but I have also gotten (drum roll) 47! The Wii then tells me that I am out of shape for my age and I should continue the exercising every day will help me to become basically more close to my age. The Wii is extremely fun but evil as well. You just have to learn how to take constructive criticism.

FINAL EVIL OBJECT: MEDIA! All those magazines. TV shows and commercials, Ads, etc. are what tend to make people think they must be something they aren't. The problem with all of these is that they are unavoidable. When you see an ad that makes you feel fat, forget about it! Getting mad about it is bad for the mind. It's good just to forget about it.
In a nutshell: What makes everyone want to be something they're not is lack of confidence.

You must LLLOOOVVVEEE yourself!!! And you must remember, when people tell you something mean about your looks, it's just because they are jealous and/or self conscious themselves.



Janet, age 24, says:

Women constantly get caught in what I call the 'perfect body trap'. We are constantly bombarded with images of super models, celebrities, and other famous people, in the grocery store, at malls, billboards on the highway, at home through your TV, and on the internet. With all these points of contact, it is no surprise that most women develop some sort of body image hang-up or get stuck in the 'perfect body trap'. The articles written in some women's magazine constantly talk about what is 'perfect'. Defining 'perfect' is something that women should shape on their own, but the constant images and articles convolute our opinions. The flip side is what we don't hear enough about; and that is how hard and demanding physical body image is in the spot light. The fame can drive some of these women to take drastic measures with their health and life. When you hear the bad stories, puts reality of life and body into perspective and famous woman are real people too. If the media put a healthier spin on image and what is accepted, it might be easier for women to be comfortable with who they are. Some magazines and celebrities are speaking out against traditional images, but aren't given enough attention and resisting the change. If more women embraced who they are, it might start to influence the media to re-define 'perfect' body images.

The women that don't get caught in the 'perfect body trap' seem to have a bigger self awareness. They know that their body has the capability to do amazing things, run a marathon, hug a loved one, carry a child, and so much more. I think they also have an inner understanding of what it means to be a real woman. I myself get stuck in the 'perfect body trap' all the time. When I start thinking negatively about my body image, I remind myself this is me and I do love who I am. My body is only a part of who I am, and if I treat it right, eat healthy, and take care of myself, I always feel more confident about my body image. Some of my close girlfriends feel the same way. We talk about how much better we feel when eating right and working out. It provides a sense of self about defining who we are as women in our 20s. When you have a strong self confidence about your image on the outside, the inner spirit starts to shine through!
         


Katie, age 35, says:

The wisdom that comes with age has made all the difference in my life. When I was in my young 20's, I had three friends who were all three years old than I. I was a starving college student, and they were all in their first jobs. To me, they seemed glamorous: beautiful, fit, tan, making their own money, and all with boyfriends.

By (what I'd thought at the time was) comparison (but what I understood later was just the difference in age and priorities between me and them), I felt "cute," out of shape, pale, broke, and loveless. I fixated on the big diamond studs that all three of them had in their ears.

Adorned in their diamonds, my friends looked valuable, rare, cherished ... everything I thought I wasn't. I know now that I was all of those things; I just didn't love myself enough to realize it. For a few years after that time, while I was in graduate school and still broke, I plotted about the diamond earrings I would buy for myself one day. Of course, my obsession wasn't really about the diamond studs. Obsessions never are.

That was 1.5 decades ago. Between now and then, I've spent much time alone on beaches and in forests, reflecting on who I am. I've also written a lot in journals, in the dark of my living room at night, with candles lit and soft music playing. The more time I spend in serene settings, the more expansive my inner peace becomes ... and the farther away I get from those diamond earrings. I know I'm inherently lovable, so I no longer need "evidence" to prove it.

Looking back, I see that I could have looked just like my friends did back then, by spending more time and money on my appearance, and less on school. I wasn't wrong to go to graduate school, burying myself in psychological theory and spending weekends under library lighting; they weren't wrong to join the 9:00-5:00 work force out of college, spending their Thursday nights at happy hour and their weekends by the pool. There was never a comparison; we were and all precious in our unique ways. With maturity, I came to know that.

I never did buy those diamond earrings, and I can't imagine I ever will.


Debba, age 40-something, says:

I've heard it called 'the Oprah Factor.' We see Oprah and other celebrities with things we wish we had and suddenly we feel entitled to things beyond our lifestyle or any form of reality. We get coerced into feeling like we deserve expensive designer clothes and belongings, envying the plastic surgery-stretched or air-brushed faces and finding some appeal to the paparazzi-lives of the rich and famous.
 
My take on this, and I'm a bit passionate, if not obsessed, is that if we have friends that love us the way we are, that we're much more likely to accept our bodies and ourselves. When we truly love our friends, we respect their opinions, right? And, if their opinion of us is that we're beautiful and treasured, why should we doubt them?

Why would I want or need to emulate celebrities when I have true friends who accept me with or without make-up, love me dressed up or dressed down, and see the beauty in me when I can't see it myself? How could I ask for a better life or situation that might mean that I'm removed from the very people who encourage, challenge, support and love me?
 
Research shows that female friendships make us feel more confident and beautiful. They also make us healthier, happier, less stressed and live longer. Girlfriends are 'the secret to defining ourselves.' They see past wrinkles, scars, gray hairs or bad hair days to the beauty we possess inside of us. They don't compare us to celebrities or other popular images that may be society's measure of beauty. They just love us as we are and they make us feel more beautiful, accepted and loved.

And, as the saying goes, "The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert) With our girlfriends supporting us, we can define ourselves by looking within and by looking at us through their eyes. That mirror of an old friend reflects the beauty they see in us, and that we need to see ourselves in as well.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The 21st century lady. The one that everyone seems to want to be? What images define her? Well, it really depends but from what I can tell from watching TV and going on the computer is that most women would like to be that tall, thin, tan, voluptuous woman. You know, kind of like a Playboy bunny! You can even look at young girls. Girls around my school always say, "I'm so short!" and "Wow Olive! When I stand next to you it makes me feel so tall!" Oh but that's not it! They will also say, "Oh my gawd! Olive you're like as white as a ghost (chuckle)!" and "I'm fat!" There's a classic.

I am disappointed to say that what the 21st century lady seems to be is a self-conscious and mean person. Why does it matter to you that I am super pale? Oh I'm so sorry! Am I blinding you? What's weird is that in Asia one of the best selling cosmetics is Chanel's whitening creme! This makes it obvious to me that the 21st century lady is someone who wants what she's not. Even stick thin people say stuff like I'm fat.

The other day at school we were watching the movie "Dances With Wolves". It then occurred to me  that growing up in a Native American tribe in nature seemed nicer than having 50,000,000,000 dollars. Imagine growing up not even knowing the feeling of wanting to be someone you're not. Just living in nature. No materialistic goods. Just a huge family with culture, tradition, and acceptance. That would be the best life possible



Janet, age 24, says:

Image is a tough idea that so many women deal with in today's society, whether it comes to body issues, role models, celebrities, or just defining ourselves within our circle of friends, the topic constantly comes up within my circle of friends. Body image conversations always seem to creep up, positive (I feel great because I have been working out all week!) and negative (I am never going to have the body of ________). We have our own definition of who has an ideal body, Heidi Klum, Gisele, Madonna, and a lot of women strive to achieve them. One of my goals this year has been to accept my body the way it is and feel my best and I have come along way from where I was last year. When am feeling bad about my 'imperfections', I remind myself that I work-out, feel strong, and my body got me through the day!

Another image we face as women is that of our role models. They are mothers, friends, women in history, and so many more. Recently, Michelle Obama has been referred to as a role model and fashion icon. She has captured the attention of our nation and it is amazing to hear what other women have to say about her. I admire her for putting her children and husband first in her life and how she understands the importance of family, especially when they are in the public eye so often.

Defining who you are with your friends is another image women seek to grasp. As we mature into our mid-20s, I find my friends look to be seen as women who can do it all. Career orientated, boyfriend/husband, friend, volunteering, makes time for family, has a pet, and so much more. I look at the girls who do all of this, and don't see their happiness. I know I tend to throw myself into things head first, but have learned that doing so isn't fulfilling Sometimes it is best to take a step back, and do what makes you happiest so you can be your best self. I think it is the best way to define your own personal image!
         



Katie, age 35, says:

Today's woman steps out of her urban dwelling, briefcase in one hand and latte in the other, hair perfectly styled, enshrouded in a darling, professional ensemble. She walks in the highest of heels with the greatest of ease, never stepping in dog poo or sounding needy, as she trots through the city on her cell phone, talking to her perfect boyfriend.

That's the fantasy. That's the image of the modern woman that I hold in my mind. It's the picture that keeps me awake at night, wondering how I got here: steeped in consumer debt, with last year's fashions to show for it; bunion-footed, from mercilessly squeezing my woman feet into Barbie doll shoes for years; and lamenting that I perpetually leave the apartment with wet hair, too rushed to use the blow dryer or avoid the dog poo, as I stomp hurriedly along city sidewalks, to jump-start my dizzying, over-scheduled day. And ... boyfriend? What boyfriend? I can't find the time to meet one.

For me, the three images that most define today's woman are: 1) confident, flawless; 2) adorned with material indicators of professional success; and 3) needing nothing. I've acquired those images from several sources: my family, certain women's magazines, and social commentary. There is an externalized feminine ideal, and I believe every person in the world holds a unique version of it. That fictional picture refracts women as we truly are.

I don't subscribe to every such ideal. I don't have a negative body image; I wouldn't change a thing. I don't speak in excessively polite tones, using only the "right" words; if I feel like it and I'm in a comfortable setting, I swear like a drunken sailor. And I don't buy high-priced fashion items or pointy, high-heeled shoes anymore; I shop frugally and buy shoe brands like Dansko, Ecco, and others that introduce style to comfort.

But I do hold myself to a standard of a certain kind: the one described in my fantastical scene. Doing so has the adverse impacts on me that I've set forth in my real-life scene.

Yet, contradictory as this may seem, the same images that harm my experience bring out my authenticity. When I don't use the standard to abuse myself, it lifts me to a higher place. I just have to remember that I'm aspiring to be the best version of me, not anyone else.



Debba, age 40-something, says:

March 8th is International Women's Day. It was created in 1811 by Clara Zetkin to recognize achievements, advancements and continued challenges of women globally. Celebrated in 49 countries, it is a wonderful reminder of how far we've come and how much more we need to do - for all of us. (For more info, visit www.internationalwomensday.com)

This day has a lot of impact on me when I consider what women have achieved in the past 100 years - the right to vote and bear witness, as well as improvements in equal pay and opportunities. (We're not all the way there but we're moving in that direction.) It also reminds me to look beyond my neighborhood to other places on the planet where women don't have rights and are subjected to injustice and unfair conditions.

My idea of a 21st Century Lady is global. With the daily bombardment of mass-media and the Internet, we're confronted with travesties and challenges that lie ahead for our international 'sisters.' While we can take pride in previous accomplishments, we all are aware of women suffering, whose voices are muted from decisions and from impacting their lives and future.

Images that come to mind are the girls in Mumbai who my girlfriend Tina just visited on a mission trip. As young as ten, they are sold into sex slavery by their parents. How can that not make us stop to think - and cry? Situations like that always confuse me how we can feel that our society is so 'advanced' yet things like this take place in our lifetime.

Another image prominent in my mind is my girlfriend Becky. Becky's husband found out he has a rare and aggressive form of cancer this week. She is part of the 21st Century images because there are too many women dealing with cancer - theirs or their family and friends. And not just cancer, but we're dealing with unemployment, divorce, and often wanting to be in a different situation (work, relationship, weight, etc.). Life is short and often we get wrapped up in 'stuff.' This girlfriend reminds me to appreciate all that is in my life and how we can't take anything for granted.

To take a more positive note, another image of 21st Century women are the 160 Girl Scouts that I spoke to recently. They're full of hope and curiosity. I spoke to them on the importance of girlfriends and how we're there for each other through guys, jobs, changes in our lives. I hope they will appreciate their friends and reach out to others. That's a great image for the future of women. Debba Haupert is founder of GIRLFRIENDOLOGY, the online community for women based on female friendship www.girlfriendology.com .