August 2011 Archives

Really, when was the last time you gave yourself a break?

Or gave yourself credit for all that you do in a day or have accomplished
already in your life (which I am sure is alot!)

Or celebrated your accomplishments for more than a few days or minutes,
Before focusing on what you needed to do next?

Transform the 3 F's... Fat Lies, Frenemy's, and Fear into your the Fabulous A's... Appreciation, Acknowledgment, All Your Needs Taken Care Of...

Watch the video and share here what Love Dare you are going to take!

Vulnerability ... What is it?

A woman who owns her vulnerability understands that to be vulnerable is not weak, but instead is one of the strongest powers she possesses. For it is by being vulnerable that she allows herself to be seen by another as her truest and most innocent self. She can put the epicenter of her own self love on display - and by doing so invites the other to do the same.

Because she can open herself to be seen so deeply, this woman has the ability to receive love from another. When a woman is closed and protected, love cannot get in, no matter how much she wants it. It is only when a woman allows her heart to open that she has the capacity to receive love. How much love depends on how open her heart is, or in other words, how big her love quotient is. As she expands her love quotient, so does the love expand in her life.

A woman who stands in the power of her vulnerability has the capacity to accept and give love freely, unafraid that anything can or will be taken away from her. She knows that when she is truly open no one can take love from her.

She is unafraid to show the raw, real feelings that live inside her soul. She knows that they may not be received by everyone, however she does not let that stop her from sharing herself. She is smart in who she chooses to be vulnerable with, but she is not shrewd in her selection as that would close off her heart.

She knows that her expression of vulnerability can open up the heart of another, inviting them to show their raw and real self in return. She understands that this is one of the most potent powers of vulnerability - the ability to open up hearts, both hers and everyone her power touches.

Because she is comfortable yielding her vulnerability, she always steps forward in love. She hugs big and freely. She trusts big and freely. She shares truthfully and freely. She is unafraid to cry, to tell the truth, to appear weak, to be wrong. Even if she knows she may get hurt, she believes it worth the risk.

This is a woman who understands that she cannot expect what she cannot give. So if it is intimacy she wants, she must be willing to create it herself. Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. One cannot access intimacy without vulnerability. This woman understands that, as she takes responsibility for creating safe spaces in her relationships.
 
She is unafraid to ask for or show the way to her partner to create this vulnerability. She is willing to be both student and teacher, as long as they both lean in and experiment together.

She is capable of sharing her raw feelings. Of admitting her weaknesses and fears. Of taking responsibility for her behaviors, no matter how hard they are to admit. And she does so without blaming, criticizing or passing judgment. She does so with an open heart, in spite of the fact that she may be afraid to do so.
 

What is your powerful definition of Vulnerability?

3 ways to get what you need without him having to change a thing

Many women love to play "fix-it"--transforming people, problems, or relationships, usually in the name of "helping." And one of our favorite targets is men. Have you ever leapt into a relationship with a man you thought you could "fix"? Have you ever told yourself that you're the game-changer--the one woman this man will change for? Chances are good that you've been there. Maybe you're there now. And it's time to stop--because this mission only leads you to one place: misery.

As the former Queen of Fixers, I too tried to "help," ahem, fix my guy and failed. I watched my girlfriends do the same--smart, educated women straight-up lie to themselves about who their men really were, because they couldn't deal with the consequences of the truth. So they bestowed some false idea of power on themselves that, over time, they could get their guy to change. Of course, they didn't possess this power. And no matter how much they loved him, changed for him, manipulated him or did whatever game they thought would work, the guy didn't change, and they inevitably wound up with broken hearts, lonely lives or stuck in situations that were really difficult to get out of. Sound familiar? Too familiar, I say.

It's time we used our real power to take the power of love back! Time to stop giving our power to be and feel loved away to another, and time to start seeing that every relationship we have starts with one person: ourselves. The truth is, spending your time, energy and money on trying to change anyone else is really an indicator that you are not loving yourself.

Commit the following three truths to memory, stop the love lies, and use the Good Love Actions to start making choices that bring more love, not more suffering, into your life.

The Truth About Fixing Men

Truth 1:

Appointing yourself as a fixer is not only arrogant but a sign that you're avoiding something in your own life.

It's way easier to focus your energy on what's wrong with other people and their lives, rather than turn the mirror at yourself and get honest about how your life is a mess or less than what you would have thought. It's easier to hide your own self-doubt and pain in the guise of "helping" others, because when you are busy "helping" someone else, you have no time to be still, and feel and reflect on your own feelings. Not to mention--who do you think you are that you can take someone on as a "project"? Did they ask you to change them? Chances are that you have enough inside of yourself that needs tending that you don't need to go out looking for more.

The healthiest role we can play in a relationship is to be a partner, not a parent or a preacher. Yes, encourage your guy to be the best person he can be, but inspire him to grow by the choices you make for your own life. Don't push or drag any man along. You have better things to do than waste your time and energy on impossible endeavors.

Good Love Action: Inspire your mate to be his best self by being your best self.

Truth 2: His willingness to change or not to change has nothing to do with you.

How much a man does or doesn't love you is irrelevant. It doesn't matter how hard you try, how much you love, or how many ultimatums you issue. Don't waste your energy with thoughts like, "If he loved me, he would change" or "I just need to be patient and he'll come around." His unwillingness to change has nothing to do with you.

We like to fool ourselves with statements like, "I love my current partner more than she did, or he loves me more than her, so our relationship is different." This too is bull. We don't love some people more and others less. As we become healthy and self-aware, we learn to love better, not more, to choose partners who have the ability to share their love more completely and clearly.

If he's not the man you want today, he won't be that man tomorrow. A woman who convinces he'll turn "good" for her, that she'll be the one woman he stays faithful to, stops doing [destructive behavior] for, or finally settles down with, is lying to herself, and, even worse, is not loving herself.

Good Love Action: Don't date or marry a man's potential. Love yourself enough to be honest with yourself and not settle for less than a "good man."

Truth 3: Changing the relationship's level of commitment won't change him, and if anything what doesn't work will get worse.

How many times have you heard women say things like, "I know that in time, he'll change"? How many women convince themselves that after the wedding, or after they move in together, or once X happens, he'll be different? And how many times have you watched these women become stuck with a man who hasn't moved an inch? Maybe you've been that woman. In truth, changing the level of commitment in a relationship--marriage, kids, house--won't make any man really change. In fact, often the increased pressure worsens whatever it is that doesn't work in the relationship or with him.

Lifelong commitments like kids and marriage, not to mention financial commitments and the expectation of deeper levels of emotional intimacy, create stress. Stress creates fear and fear brings out the worst in people. Unless you are both committed to self-awareness, self-honesty and self-growth it will be impossible for the two of you to successfully navigate all that comes with intimate relationships.

Good Love Action: Pick a partner who is committed to his own self-growth, who is honest and self-aware, and who is both willing and able to be a partner on all levels with you.

About Christine Arylo

Popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love, Christine has been called the Queen of Self-Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the country, in the world's top spas and retreat centers, and in colleges and corporations. She is the founder of Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which includes a free self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com. She is also the co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual school where women go to transform their self-sabotaging voices into self-empowering ones.