Recently in Being A Woman Category

In honor of Women's History Month, I have to out myself.  As an educated mba from one of the best educations in the country, I have been ignorant to the truth of our history as women. Sure, I know the facts... but that is not the same as knowing, or feeling, the reality. What I learned in history class didn't come close to telling me the truth of what women have endured just in the last century, let alone the last three hundred, or two thousand years. I got the same scrubbed down version of history that you did -- unless you were a feminine studies major -- straight from the lips of a patriarchal society.  Oh, women couldn't vote, so there was this suffrage movement and now they can. Oh, there was this thing called Roe vs Wade that made abortion legal. Oh, women were burned at the stake during this thing called the Inquisition. And yes, there was this other thing called the Feminist Movement that created equal rights. None of those were more than a few pages in any of my history books, how about yours?

And my female relatives growing up didn't make me any wiser about the reality either. They came from the school of "that's just how things were," not the "you need to know these historical realities as a woman because we never want to forget where we come from, and what has been given by the women before us." They didn't make it part of their job as women to pass down the stories of women from generation to generation... and that is a big loss. One that I know after this weekend, I will not repeat.

This weekend -- at the age of 39 -- I finally got WISE! Sitting with 500 women in a hotel ballroom in Los Angeles at the Sister Giant conference, I tapped into and felt in my cells our lineage as women and I felt my heart ache, my eyes well up with tears, and my courage lift as I watched three movies that put me in awe at the bravery and hardships of what generations of women before me have faced. 

I say 'tapped into' because as I sat there in that room, it wasn't just the 500 women that were there, it was also the 500 generations of women that have lived before invisibly sitting in the seats. While I couldn't see them with my eyes, I felt them with every fiber of my being. I say 'felt in my cells' because I experienced the facts that used to sit in my head about women's rights, witch burnings, transform themselves from ideas to human realities. When you see a woman being forced fed with the use of a tube up her nose and a metal device being shoved in her mouth to part her lips and make her eat, suddenly the facts become about a person, they become very human, and your heart receives a message it's not likely to forget -- nor should it.

I let myself be affected this weekend by these films -- something that I am not sure we always do. Our hearts are so closed off in our society, going about our busy busy lives. But to be affected is truly an act of love, both for the self, and for others.

If you are a woman, see these films, and if you know young women watch these with her, tell her this same history.  We are visual beings... and I Imagine the world would be much different if we sat and watched movies like this together vs. chatted mindlessly about the problems of the Housewives of Orange County.


Iron Jawed Angels
You can vote, you know that. But did you know that women were arrested, beaten, forced fed with tubes up their noses and tortured with the use of iron jaws to open their mouths and force them to eat when they called a hunger strike? Hilary Swank and Angelica Houston rock in this movie that made me cry, cringe and shout with joy.
 








The Burning Times

It's estimated between 1million and 9 million people were burned, tortured and killed during the Inquisition -- 85% of them women -- in an effort to stamp out the goddess and pagan traditions and replace them with the controlling patriarchal structures. You can watch this 20 minute movie on You Tube.







Pray the Devil Back to Hell
 
 

You might have heard the prophecy that it will be women that change the world. You've most likely heard that the fierceness of a mother protecting her child is like no other. These women of Liberia prove them both. They stopped a war torn country from fighting because they said "ENOUGH! No more war. We want peace." If women with 'no money' can stop a country from killing each other, what the heck are we capable of?"










I am on board for educating myself as much as I can. If you have other movies or books or DVDs that you think every woman should see, please post it on our Madly in love with ME facebook page. Understanding our history as women is part of accepting and loving who we are. I know I gained great perspective from these films... it's a lot easier for me to love myself and be compassionate when I consider I've never had a feeding tube forcibly stuck up my nose while being detained in a jail against bogus charges.

The unsustainable lifestyle of the modern day woman

 

Feed the kids.  Get a raise.  Loose the weight.  Clean the house.  Wear the lingerie.  Whew!  It is tiring being a woman these days.  We have more opportunities, self-confidence and independence than any generation of women before, yet something isn't working. 

Why is it so exhausting?   And why do we always feel like we can never catch up?

 

Being the recovering achievement junkie that I am, as well as a woman on a quest to really understand all the ways women love and don't love themselves this is the answer I have come up with...

While we all know that the earth needs to be sustainable in order to survive, we've failed to realized that WE need to be sustainable in order to thrive. We -- our bodies, our minds, our spirits - are NOT SUSTAINABLE based on how we live today, yet we think we should just be able to downward dog,  multi-task or prioritize our way out of this... and it's not working!

Think about how many times you've said to your girlfriend, "I'm so overwhelmed" or "I'd love to but I don't have time." Or even worse, remember the times you didn't reach out and instead went to that dark place of feeling super alone, like the entire world was on your shoulders.

 

Women today face pressures like no other generation. We have more opportunities but not more happiness. A recent study by Time Magazine showed women today are no happier than women were in the 1970s, before the women's movement and equal rights.

 

Does that mean that equality was bad?  No, the feminist movement was hugely important to raising the standards of life for women around the world, and like anything it had unintended consequences which we now have to deal with so that we can figure out what is right for today's woman."

 

The unintended consequences:

 

·       Too many roles. Mom. Money Maker. And Major Caretaker. 40% of women are the major breadwinners in their families, and 55% report that they still take care of most of the responsibilities at home. So you can understand why...

·       Women Are Running Themselves Into Exhaustion. It's estimated that 80% of women are so overworked and stressed that they suffer from adrenal gland fatigue, whether they know it or not. Women slough off or mistreat the symptoms like weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, depression, cravings and mood swings, and then, because they aren't listening to their bodies warning signals, they end up with serious health concerns like auto-immune and thyroid disease.

 

 

What Can Women Do About It?

It's been said that women will change the world, and I firmly believe that, however, we won't  change anything if we don't take care of ourselves first! And we need to support each other to do so. So this year, I am daring every woman to make 2010 the year she takes care of herself as well as everything else in her life... without exhausting herself in the process!

THE DARE : a 40-day Self Love Practice

To kick off this dare, on February 13^th, the international day of self-love (a.k.a. Madly in Love with ME Day), I'm asking you to commit to a 40-day self-love practice called Taking Care of ME. Every morning for 40-days before you get out of bed, ask yourself, "What do I need to do to take care of me today?" And then listen. Whatever it says, you have to do it. Take a nap. Start work at noon. Whatever.

Why? I know that you want to take care of yourself, but your brain tells you that you don't have time. And time is so not the issue! You literally need to reprogram your brain to have new beliefs that support you taking care of you. Beliefs that you can rest, relax and take care of you... and everything will still be taken care of. Brain scientists, yogis and metaphysicans agree if you can do anything for 40 days you can change your habits. 

Do you dare???

MY DARE: What I learned from doing this dare.

I've been doing this self love practice for the past 36 days, and honestly,  there have been days it has really kicked my butt! Especially the day it said, 'Do Not start work til noon' and I said, "Are you crazy?" I have a presentation, a zillion things to do and then some. But I made the pact with myself so I had to do it, and I did, and what happened? My entire presentation downloaded into me while I was sitting in the sun at 11am, my intern showed up and did a bunch of stuff, and all the pieces fell into place.

I have been learning to trust. I have been rewiring very deep beliefs that if I don't do it, no one will. If I don't do it, my life will fall apart. And I've come face to face again with my achievement junkie who runs me harder than anyone else ever could.

Check out this clip from ABC-TV where I talk about my 40-day Taking Care of ME Dare. I wouldn't ask you to do anything I hadn't done myself!

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=view_from_the_bay/everything_else&id=7255902

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I have always wanted to have a very real conversation about her life experiences when she was in her 20s. My mom has taught me to live with no regrets, but I want to hear about what she would have done differently and when she had the best times. I would love to know what her advice would be to herself in her 20s. We have talked about her college experience and the way she lived her life, but I want to know how decisions she made in her 20s have shaped her life 30 years later. She is my best friend and confidant, and I know her 20s were filled with many ups and downs because of the way she talks about that time of her life. I want to know what moments in her life were difficult for her and how it shaped her. My mom has so much strength and hearing about her life experience gives me an insight as to how her life has taken shape.

I find my 20s have been filled with many challenges that I couldn't anticipate which make life even more fun! Some have been easier than others to get through, but my mom has always been there with sound advice to help me. She doesn't have to reference a specific time of her 20s, but I think her advice stems from her experience. When I am having a tough time with my brothers, she talks to me about her relationships with her brothers during that time of her life. The wisdom she shares is invaluable to me.

Another questions I haven't asked my mom is how she became such a great parent. I would love to know what life experiences have helped to shape her parenting skills. As a stay at home mom, she has raised 4 children with strong values, opinions, and independence. My brothers and I know we can always call her to talk about anything. My mom taught us how to walk with our heads high and stay true to ourselves. My childhood was filled with great memories of being with her at home, running errands, and great vacations. She really did it all for us and made sure we all happy. I admire the way my mom has always stayed true to herself. She is always following her dreams; because of her I have always followed mine.



Jenn, age 36, says:

I am very grateful that I have a close relationship with my mother (who lives in PA). I share a lot with her, am authentic, and ask the questions that are valuable to know.  And with the recent passing of my grandmother, my mother and I have had even more deep conversations about family, death, beliefs, and purpose. 

My parents are incredibly supportive of my unique work in the field of sex education and intimacy counseling.  Even when I started a women's sex toy company a few years ago, my mom took it in stride and asked if I offered a senior citizen discount for her and my dad (which, incidentally, she thought was hysterical, while it made me cringe ☺).

My mom means the world to me.Three years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a month later underwent a double mastectomy. It was such a terrifying experience, but remarkably she kept an amazing positive attitude throughout and continues to be healthy and thrive.  We are always learning from each other, sharing our successes and crying over the fearful aspects of life.  My biggest fear is losing my mother. I don't know that my mother knows that. 

It's important to me to not compartmentalize my life and not have different facades depending on whether I'm interacting with friends, clients, lovers, family, or students. My career is my passion. My life is my passion. I wear my emotions and vulnerabilities on my sleeve. I never want to feel that I have to hide certain aspects of myself because they will be judged or not accepted.  Oddly enough, with all the outright affection and nurturing between my mother and I, we don't end phone conversations with an "I love you." I know my mother knows how deeply I love and cherish her, but I guess this is a good reminder that it never hurts to be explicit with the depth of our feelings.

Dr. Jenn is the founder of Dr. Jenns Den at http://www.drjennsden.com/
 

Anne, age 42, says:
The one question I have always wanted to ask my mother is why did she marry my dad? Over the years, I've gotten some interesting responses to say the least. Such as "because he was the one" or "we had so much fun together" or my personal favorite, "because he was ready." I have a feeling the real
answer has yet to reveal itself.

What I think is that at the time my mother got married, she didn't feel like waiting was an option. She was 19 when they first started talking about it and in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1964, that's just what you did. I am sure she loved my dad, very sure. Unfortunately, she didn't feel she could make a decision that started with her. I don't think she has regrets, but I think
her psyche could accommodate gray.

For me, marriage is a dicey subject. I waited and explored and still did not
end up with a good situation. I wonder how my daughters will decide what is
best for them.

Anne Wagner is a writer, branding expert and the founder of NovaStoria' http://www.novastoria.com


Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Believe it or not, the one thing I never asked my mother for was advice on how to have a healthy romantic relationship. Until recently, I was married for 30 years. So, on the surface it appears that I figured this one out - at least for 30 years. But not really!

My parents just celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary. I truly believe they are a happy couple but when I was growing up I thought what I was observing was a not-so-happy couple. What I didn't understand at the time was that couples disagree. It's part of life. If everyone agreed on everything it would be a boring world! I think youth is wasted on the young. As I got older, my parents got wiser and so did I. But I never felt comfortable enough in my own skin when I was younger to muster up the courage to ask my mom how to keep the man in my life happy. Or how to be happy myself.

When I was a newlywed and my husband and I had our first argument, I remember wanting to rush to the phone and call mommy. I didn't do it. Something stopped me from taking that vulnerable moment and allowing my mother and her wisdom in to soothe me and comfort me. I think I got the "I can take care of myself" gene from her, actually. You might say we've both been stubborn. Once I got married, letting our hair down and being real with each other rarely happened. I found "extended family" to do that with over the years.  But I feel I missed a golden opportunity to connect with her for all those years in that heart centered way.

So much water is under the bridge now, there's no need for me to think about what could've been. That's a waste of energy. What I do know is that both she and my dad love me, and I love them. If you are musing over something you want to talk to you mother about, or reveal to her, go for it. I wish I had all those years ago.


Shelley Anderson is a celebrity personal assistant, and the author of the book and blog http://www.dealingwithdivas.com

Notes from the ME-Love Train -  Chicago & Mothers Day

Eight days in Chicago. Four media appearances. Three business meetings. Two speaking engagements. Two parties. Three friend dinners. Enough to keep two people busy, for way more than eight days. And plenty of 'work' to deserve a break at least one of the days that I was in Chicago. Even God rested on the 7th day right? But he wasn't a woman. And he wasn't a woman of the 21st century, born with a pair of genes that I call with both affection and despair, the Achievement Junkie gene and the Doing Addict gene. I've got them both. And chances are that if you are a woman between the ages of 0 and 100 you have them too. We've handed down these genes from generation to generation of women for centuries, like a good set of china. The problem is that unlike pretty china, these genes don't just come out for special occasions. These genes run our lives, 24/7.

My mother was a doing addict, still is. She can't sit still. Can't stop working until she has 'worked' hard enough to merit resting time. Growing up she was our full time mother, she worked full time in a big corporate building, ran a girl scout troop, ran a side business, cooked our food, sewed our clothes and fixed up our lake cottage on the weekends she was supposed to be 'resting'. I am the product of a doing addict, another generation of women doomed to feel that I either must be 'doing' all the time or feel guilty for not doing something. Even after 7 years of working to change this gene in me, it's still there. This last week in Chicago I found it virtually impossible to take one day for myself, to just relax. The universe had to actually make me sick with a sore throat (threatening my ability to speak the following day, which got my attention) to get me to stop. This was extremely ironic considering I was speaking to a group of women about the exact thing I was suffering from - the inability to take care of myself, sans guilt. But we teach what we are here to learn, and I learn more about self-love everyday.

I really don't know who is to blame for this self destructive gene that makes it hard for me to relax (it is physically painful,) to find value in just 'being', and to believe that I am enough right now without accomplishing anything else. I can't really blame my mother, she got it from her mother, and she from her mother and on and on. And I figure since I already have guilt, I sure as heck don't need blame too. So this Mother's Day, I am giving back by Doing Addict gene, again. Since I can't actually return it to a store like I could a set of china, I've decided to put my feminine super power, creativity, to use so that I can at the very least, get this gene regulated. It's time for some Doing Addict Therapy! Now, I realize that some of my therapy tactics may look like doing behavior, and it's because I've learned that the best way to get my Doing Addict under control is to get her on my side, working for me not against me. If you are a fellow Doing Addict, I invite you to try these out too:

Doing Addict Therapy

• Become a fantastic relaxer.  "I am a great relaxer, practicing many different forms of doing nothing." No TV, no crackberry. Now I am not going to sit and stare at the walls, that is painful and not relaxing for me. What I am going to do is find what relaxes me and then do that. I've been practicing with reading fiction books. It takes me to a different world and totally relaxes me. What relaxes you?
  
• Pick a sacred time when NO work can be done. "I set time each week that is just for me." I call it Goddess Sunday, and from the time I wake up until noon I do nothing that involves achieving anything. No talking about work, check lists or house work. Just me, a latte and the goddess. Maybe a book, magazine, or a talk with my guy. But no work on Goddess Sundays until noon. When is your sacred time?
  
• Have FUN with my friends, not work, not problem solving, FUN. "I have play dates with my friends when we just have FUN." I like to think of being 15 again and what we did for fun. Walk in the rain, listen to music, talk about movie stars, watch ridiculous movies, eat ice cream, drink wine (well maybe that's different). I've become much too serious with my friends - a side affect of the doing addict gene - and I am committed to laughing and being girls. When is your next play day? 

For more self-love ideas, you can download the Madly in Love with ME self-love starter kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I don't think personal happiness can be bought. I believe it is found in the simple things in life. One of my favorite things to do is go out and run/walk the Chicago lakefront. I find a sense of serenity and inner peace looking at the water. I love putting on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air on a crisp morning and clearing my mind with my iPod. I love hitting the lake after work during the summer and watching the lake change colors. The best part is that it doesn't cost a thing and I get a little more exercise in my day!

I find happiness is a bubble bath after a long day of work or weekend activities. Nothing beats great smelling bubble bath and candles, it gives me time to connect with me and my feelings. I like the water because it has the ability to melt away stresses from the day and let me relax. When I go to take a bath, the Blackberry doesn't come in the bathroom, it is truly me time. 

I believe in taking a few minutes out of my day to mediate, pray, or practice yoga. It allows me time to build a stronger connection with me on the inside. Finding time for this can be tough, and I don't do it every day, but at least a couple times a week. You can mediate or pray just about anywhere, in the car, in bed, sitting outside, or in the bedroom before bed.

Another activity that doesn't cost a thing is calling a friend or family member and talking. It gives me time to reconnect with people in my life. I can call them from just about anywhere with cell phones these days. Taking 15 minutes to connect with someone you haven't talked to in a long time, can be healing for the soul.

Happiness can be found in many activities, which don't cost a thing. I believe finding things, which don't cost a thing make me explore the possibilities of the world around me. If you take a step back and really check how you spend, you might realize that happiness doesn't cost a dime. It is in the moments where you can take a few minutes and connect with you!

         

Jenn, age 36, says:

I tend to feel my happiest when I feel free, am enjoying the company of someone close to me, and letting the flow of the moment dictate our journey. I went for a bike ride with a friend around Coronado Island (San Diego) one afternoon recently. Although unspoken, we approached it like an adventure with no set agenda. Our first stop was the beach where we pulled out a beach volleyball to practice hitting and bumping. Then through a shift in imagination, the volleyball morphed into a soccer ball, and we took turns playing goalie between two volleyball net posts. Eventually the game became who could kick the ball closest to our backpacks (I won!). We snacked on some fruit and then hopped back on our bikes to ride to the other end of the island to overlook the harbor and downtown skyline. We posed for funny photos with our camera. I did cartwheels in the grass. We made up stories about the tourists around us. It was an amazing afternoon of laughter and adventure and connection - and it was so easy.

Something else that is easy and free but brings me great pleasure is reading a book that is both intellectually challenging (whether professionally or personally) and entertaining. A friend recently let me borrow the book "The Female Brain," about gender/sexual hormonal and neuroscience research. Every chance I get to read to a few pages just lights me up. The other day I was able to settle in for a bit of reading, with a mug of blueberry green tea, curled up on my shag rug in a shaft of sunlight, learning and growing. Later that evening, while leading a free group discussion about sexual empowerment, I was integrating and sharing my new knowledge to the benefit of others. I get such a buzz off of being fascinated with new information that is relevant to my passion and work, being able to integrate it into what I already know, and then applying it to guide myself and others through our sexual and intimacy journeys. I think I'm kind of a dork that way, but it makes me so happy and excited!



Debba, age forty-something, says:

What have you done to be happier that has not cost a dime.

James Taylor sings: "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

It's been exactly a year since I quit corporate America to follow my dream and build my business (www.girlfriendology.com). With a freelance writer as a husband, that change meant no more paychecks or provided insurance. To be honest, it's been a tough year but I am proud to say we're just as happy as we were before - and maybe a bit more appreciative. All in all, we've enjoyed the passage of time and it's been great.

These are just a few things that have changed in the past year with a positive impact on my overall happiness:

• We rarely eat out. Fortunately my husband is a great cook and loves making all the meals. (Yes, I'm a dang lucky girl.) While I miss the social aspect of going to a restaurant, I believe I make healthier choices and save money - and we often have great conversations in our own dining room.
• I don't shop. Admittedly I miss it, I do. But, not that much. It simplifies my life. I don't have as much 'stuff' to clean, put away, or manage.  And, the cheap jacket and leggings (my sole clothing purchases in the past 12 months) have proven to me that I take for granted all my belongings.
• I spend time with my friends. My girlfriends and I walk and talk together. We meet for coffee every Friday (at a place where we get free coffee!). Instead of going out to lunch, my girlfriend Becky and I meet with a bag lunch or go to a park. My girlfriend Judi and I walk laps and talk through our business challenges.
• The gifts I give are either hand-made or are presents of time together. I don't need more 'stuff' and neither do my friends, so we spend time together or I share a necklace or card that I made.

Life's about the simple things - love, friends, family, health, time together. It's about passing time together. That makes me happy



Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Perhaps the subtitle for this blog could be: Where do you find your joy? This is a very timely blog for me. This past year I've really been taking a look at what brings me joy and reconnecting with those people, places or things that have given me joy in the past.

To preface, I left my husband of almost 30 years in 2007, and our divorce was finalized in 2008. So this past year has been about reinventing me. I did all the outer things one would do at a time like this. Moved, bought new furniture and necessities, severed outdated friendships, cultivated new ones, supported my teenage daughter in working through her emotions about this lifestyle change, and came to peace with my decision. All of that was necessary and helpful, but when all was said and done, I felt something was missing.

I recently realized that one of the reasons I left a very long, and generally very happy marriage, was I had lost my joy. It doesn't cost a dime to find that joy again. Happiness can mean different things to different people. For me, I find that directing my attention on what is working in my life now, instead of looking at what didn't work then (ie, a failed marriage), brings the delight and thrill of living into reality. I am charmed by the smile on my cat's face. What? You don't think cats smile? I am sure they do! I enjoy the sound of peals of laughter from my daughter and her friends as they play a silly card game in the other room. My heart is filled with bliss when I play my favorite music on my iPod as I take my morning walk. If I ever feel myself slipping back into feeling sorry for myself, I call a friend. Being interested in what is happening in another person's life is very uplifting for me. This doesn't mean I have to do anything. I don't have to fix this person or take on whatever their issues are, but to have a friend means you have to be a friend. Friendship is a great source of joy for me. Finally, I am grateful. Living a life of gratitude brings me much happiness. Give it a try.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
The ups and downs of Wall Street, foreclosures across the country, and people getting laid off every day. These are the immediate issues about today that come to mind. The bad comes to mind first. It is hard to be optimistic when the media is playing up the downfall. How can we not think about the doom and gloom when it is constantly brought up on the news, websites, and in conversation? Times are scary and having it be compared to the next great depression is hard to hear, especially being in my 20s when my career is just beginning and I am supposed to be saving for my future. Having friends, who have been laid off is another hard reality facing me during this crazy economic time. We have been doing activities that don't cost as much money, like working-out outside, having spa nights in, and bringing wine over and watching a movie together. I find these nights can be even more fun than going out. We have time to talk about real issues, hang out in sweats, and enjoy one another's company.

The time is also filled with exciting possibilities for the future. I believe my generation is learning hard lessons about how the past affects the future in ways we can't always be prepared for. The ups and downs we are experiencing at a young age will prepare us for our lives. We will be more aware about our future spending and savings which are important values that can get lost while trying to 'keep up with the Jones'. I hope we become a generation of spenders who make smart decisions about how we spend our money.

Being in the 20s age range, gives me reason to think we can make smart decisions about investing in our future and save for our families. I find it invigorating to think about making smart investments in my future as a young adult. I think this experience is bringing out true human kindness in individuals as well. People are reaching out and helping one another with small acts of kindness. I think the recession is renewing the American spirit. We are in a time where change has been coming and I think there will be positive light at the end of this time. My hope is we pull through the tough economy and grow stronger as a nation and as a generation of young women!!
         

Jenn, age 36, says:

Crazy economy? Creative economy!

The hardest thing for me is to stay in an "abundance" mentality and not slip back into a "scarcity" mentality. As an entrepreneur and a graduate student for many years before that, I'm used to bootstrapping it, and being very frugal in my spending. But I realized that the energy that I bring to this frugality is very important. If I feel like I can't buy something I think I need, I feel deprived. Then I feel like my life and the world is a scary place where I need to hold on tight and cannot be trusting. If I switch to appreciating what I do have, and knowing that the universe is abundant and I can be creative in how I get my desires fulfilled, then I feel more choices with my spending. With so much panic around the economy, it is more difficult to stay calm and trusting, but I experience so much freedom and lightness when I make that shift. For me this also translates into trusting in the value of my services and my ability to add happiness and fulfillment to the world through my career.

An exciting aspect of our current economic state is the buzz of tapping into creativity. Since I work as a Relationship & Intimacy Doctor, I joke that my field (of assisting in happier and healthier sex lives) is perfect right now, because what's more important in a down economy than our loving relationships -- and sex is free!  There's a serious part of this though, and I mean "sex" in a big picture way of appreciating our sensuality and intimate connections. I think it is exciting to have even more of an impetus to think outside the box and be creative in how we share our time with others in ways that appreciates our deep connections.  I'm lucky that San Diego is particularly great for this because there are so many free outdoor activities and adventures all year round. It's exciting to me to realize anew how much joy and fun is always available for little to no cost, whether alone or with others. Just two nights ago instead of dining out with my new beau, I whipped up a simple pasta meal, salad, and some Trader Joe's wine, and we had a sunset picnic at the beach. Fabulous!


Debba, age 40-something, says:

Women are more stressed out over the economy than men The 2008 Stress in America findings indicated that. (http://tinyurl.com/women-stress) Part of this is our nature to be 'tenders.' We take care of our families and communities so we stress for ourselves as well as our children and loved ones. (See "The Tending Instinct," by Shelley E. Taylor for more info.)

That's the hard part of this economy. Women are stressed - and stress affects us in a lot of not-so-good ways - we can't sleep, gain weight, make poor decisions in our eating and drinking, and often find other vices to help cover up our feelings. These all impact our emotions, decision making and our outlook on life.  And, generally, these negative factors have a way of combining to make de-stressing a challenge.

On the upside, there are ways we can combat the stress brought on by the financial situation. Female friendship makes us healthier, happier, live longer, feel more beautiful AND LESS STRESSED. By spending time with our girlfriends, we actually lower our stress. The enzymes released for stress decrease when we laugh with our friends, share conversations and share our lives.

You know what I'm talking about! Get together with your friends and very quickly your cares and worries fade and are replaced with happiness and the joy that comes from being in the company of friends who love you just the way you are. Laughter, hugs and the compassion of friends makes us happier and healthier - it's a great bonus of female friendship.

Stressed over the economy? Call up your favorite female friends. Get the girls together and don't talk about the economy - just hang out. Life's better (and less stressful) together with your girlfriends!I'm on vacation and pontificating, and will be getting back to you on my ideas!


Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Regarding the economy and all the fear that has been out there in the media about it lately, I'd say for me the hardest thing has been to not listen to it. Let's face it, for most of us, the internet and modern technology have enslaved us. We are so use to having everything in our lives faster, louder and funnier (okay that last part is a reality in my world, maybe not everyone else's!). Fast cars, microwave dinners, instant messaging, twitter, iPhones and Blackberries make up our world. We are connected instantly, if we wish to be. The same with the way we receive our local and global news. At any hour of the day or night, you can turn on the TV and get the latest "news". When the bank failures, unemployment numbers, and stock market panics occurred last year, it was a bit tough to not acknowledge that this was in fact a reality we needed to face. As hopeless as we may have felt, what I think is most exciting is that we can each do something about this reality as it relates to us in our lives.

We are not victims. I believe that we are the only thinkers in our mind. Last time I checked, no one else was in there doing the thinking or making the decisions for me. Maybe there was at one time. Perhaps I let my parents, teachers, bosses and friends tell me how to live my life. But not any more! We have the power to guide our life in any way we choose. I choose not be a reactor, but instead to be proactive in my life. So I am excited about making smarter choices with my money. I looked at the crazy economy news as a welcome wakeup call. My daughter and I rarely eat out any more. Instead we take the time to cook at home, which has resulted in much healthier eating habits, and saves us lots of dough (no pun intended). Instead of joining a gym, I walk a mile every day. That costs me nothing! People I believe are being more prudent with their investments and looking for interesting ways to buy the things they need (the big 3: food, clothes and shelter). Bargain hunting can be and is fun! I also feel confident that our new President is doing everything he can to stabilize the economy and with everyone doing what they can in their world this year, whatever that might be that works for them, the word economy will not be such a supercharged word by years end.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Often when we read magazines we first see... THE COVER!!! You tend to see a celebrity. Imagine: Long and wavy flowing hair. Tan and toned body. Beautiful makeup. Bleached white teeth. Couture dress. This is what some women aspire to be. They get a picture in their head and strive long and hard to become it. Why? The most common thing is simply not being pleased with how you look because it's obvious that if you LOVE who you are and the way that you look that you're not going to be trying to be something else. But women who do feel like they "must look like Jessica Beil" tend to have issues with themselves. We see our unnoticeable flaws from the EVIL OBJECTS!!!!!!!

EVIL OBJECT 1: The mirror. Everyone has one yet they are so bad! They are where we check ourselves to make sure we look our best. The mirror is where we see that non-flat stomach. The mirror is where we see our zits, unwanted hair, cellulite, etc. It's where we stare at ourselves and it just stares right back. It tends to be an image of hatred and judgment simply from not loving yourself. Isn't that the look when you see people judging you when they don't love you or think you're beautiful?

EVIL OBJECT 2: The Wii. No we do not all have the Wii but happen to own one. It has several tests where at the end it will tell you what age you are based on how well you did. I have gotten my age, 14, but I have also gotten (drum roll) 47! The Wii then tells me that I am out of shape for my age and I should continue the exercising every day will help me to become basically more close to my age. The Wii is extremely fun but evil as well. You just have to learn how to take constructive criticism.

FINAL EVIL OBJECT: MEDIA! All those magazines. TV shows and commercials, Ads, etc. are what tend to make people think they must be something they aren't. The problem with all of these is that they are unavoidable. When you see an ad that makes you feel fat, forget about it! Getting mad about it is bad for the mind. It's good just to forget about it.
In a nutshell: What makes everyone want to be something they're not is lack of confidence.

You must LLLOOOVVVEEE yourself!!! And you must remember, when people tell you something mean about your looks, it's just because they are jealous and/or self conscious themselves.



Janet, age 24, says:

Women constantly get caught in what I call the 'perfect body trap'. We are constantly bombarded with images of super models, celebrities, and other famous people, in the grocery store, at malls, billboards on the highway, at home through your TV, and on the internet. With all these points of contact, it is no surprise that most women develop some sort of body image hang-up or get stuck in the 'perfect body trap'. The articles written in some women's magazine constantly talk about what is 'perfect'. Defining 'perfect' is something that women should shape on their own, but the constant images and articles convolute our opinions. The flip side is what we don't hear enough about; and that is how hard and demanding physical body image is in the spot light. The fame can drive some of these women to take drastic measures with their health and life. When you hear the bad stories, puts reality of life and body into perspective and famous woman are real people too. If the media put a healthier spin on image and what is accepted, it might be easier for women to be comfortable with who they are. Some magazines and celebrities are speaking out against traditional images, but aren't given enough attention and resisting the change. If more women embraced who they are, it might start to influence the media to re-define 'perfect' body images.

The women that don't get caught in the 'perfect body trap' seem to have a bigger self awareness. They know that their body has the capability to do amazing things, run a marathon, hug a loved one, carry a child, and so much more. I think they also have an inner understanding of what it means to be a real woman. I myself get stuck in the 'perfect body trap' all the time. When I start thinking negatively about my body image, I remind myself this is me and I do love who I am. My body is only a part of who I am, and if I treat it right, eat healthy, and take care of myself, I always feel more confident about my body image. Some of my close girlfriends feel the same way. We talk about how much better we feel when eating right and working out. It provides a sense of self about defining who we are as women in our 20s. When you have a strong self confidence about your image on the outside, the inner spirit starts to shine through!
         


Katie, age 35, says:

The wisdom that comes with age has made all the difference in my life. When I was in my young 20's, I had three friends who were all three years old than I. I was a starving college student, and they were all in their first jobs. To me, they seemed glamorous: beautiful, fit, tan, making their own money, and all with boyfriends.

By (what I'd thought at the time was) comparison (but what I understood later was just the difference in age and priorities between me and them), I felt "cute," out of shape, pale, broke, and loveless. I fixated on the big diamond studs that all three of them had in their ears.

Adorned in their diamonds, my friends looked valuable, rare, cherished ... everything I thought I wasn't. I know now that I was all of those things; I just didn't love myself enough to realize it. For a few years after that time, while I was in graduate school and still broke, I plotted about the diamond earrings I would buy for myself one day. Of course, my obsession wasn't really about the diamond studs. Obsessions never are.

That was 1.5 decades ago. Between now and then, I've spent much time alone on beaches and in forests, reflecting on who I am. I've also written a lot in journals, in the dark of my living room at night, with candles lit and soft music playing. The more time I spend in serene settings, the more expansive my inner peace becomes ... and the farther away I get from those diamond earrings. I know I'm inherently lovable, so I no longer need "evidence" to prove it.

Looking back, I see that I could have looked just like my friends did back then, by spending more time and money on my appearance, and less on school. I wasn't wrong to go to graduate school, burying myself in psychological theory and spending weekends under library lighting; they weren't wrong to join the 9:00-5:00 work force out of college, spending their Thursday nights at happy hour and their weekends by the pool. There was never a comparison; we were and all precious in our unique ways. With maturity, I came to know that.

I never did buy those diamond earrings, and I can't imagine I ever will.


Debba, age 40-something, says:

I've heard it called 'the Oprah Factor.' We see Oprah and other celebrities with things we wish we had and suddenly we feel entitled to things beyond our lifestyle or any form of reality. We get coerced into feeling like we deserve expensive designer clothes and belongings, envying the plastic surgery-stretched or air-brushed faces and finding some appeal to the paparazzi-lives of the rich and famous.
 
My take on this, and I'm a bit passionate, if not obsessed, is that if we have friends that love us the way we are, that we're much more likely to accept our bodies and ourselves. When we truly love our friends, we respect their opinions, right? And, if their opinion of us is that we're beautiful and treasured, why should we doubt them?

Why would I want or need to emulate celebrities when I have true friends who accept me with or without make-up, love me dressed up or dressed down, and see the beauty in me when I can't see it myself? How could I ask for a better life or situation that might mean that I'm removed from the very people who encourage, challenge, support and love me?
 
Research shows that female friendships make us feel more confident and beautiful. They also make us healthier, happier, less stressed and live longer. Girlfriends are 'the secret to defining ourselves.' They see past wrinkles, scars, gray hairs or bad hair days to the beauty we possess inside of us. They don't compare us to celebrities or other popular images that may be society's measure of beauty. They just love us as we are and they make us feel more beautiful, accepted and loved.

And, as the saying goes, "The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert) With our girlfriends supporting us, we can define ourselves by looking within and by looking at us through their eyes. That mirror of an old friend reflects the beauty they see in us, and that we need to see ourselves in as well.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The 21st century lady. The one that everyone seems to want to be? What images define her? Well, it really depends but from what I can tell from watching TV and going on the computer is that most women would like to be that tall, thin, tan, voluptuous woman. You know, kind of like a Playboy bunny! You can even look at young girls. Girls around my school always say, "I'm so short!" and "Wow Olive! When I stand next to you it makes me feel so tall!" Oh but that's not it! They will also say, "Oh my gawd! Olive you're like as white as a ghost (chuckle)!" and "I'm fat!" There's a classic.

I am disappointed to say that what the 21st century lady seems to be is a self-conscious and mean person. Why does it matter to you that I am super pale? Oh I'm so sorry! Am I blinding you? What's weird is that in Asia one of the best selling cosmetics is Chanel's whitening creme! This makes it obvious to me that the 21st century lady is someone who wants what she's not. Even stick thin people say stuff like I'm fat.

The other day at school we were watching the movie "Dances With Wolves". It then occurred to me  that growing up in a Native American tribe in nature seemed nicer than having 50,000,000,000 dollars. Imagine growing up not even knowing the feeling of wanting to be someone you're not. Just living in nature. No materialistic goods. Just a huge family with culture, tradition, and acceptance. That would be the best life possible



Janet, age 24, says:

Image is a tough idea that so many women deal with in today's society, whether it comes to body issues, role models, celebrities, or just defining ourselves within our circle of friends, the topic constantly comes up within my circle of friends. Body image conversations always seem to creep up, positive (I feel great because I have been working out all week!) and negative (I am never going to have the body of ________). We have our own definition of who has an ideal body, Heidi Klum, Gisele, Madonna, and a lot of women strive to achieve them. One of my goals this year has been to accept my body the way it is and feel my best and I have come along way from where I was last year. When am feeling bad about my 'imperfections', I remind myself that I work-out, feel strong, and my body got me through the day!

Another image we face as women is that of our role models. They are mothers, friends, women in history, and so many more. Recently, Michelle Obama has been referred to as a role model and fashion icon. She has captured the attention of our nation and it is amazing to hear what other women have to say about her. I admire her for putting her children and husband first in her life and how she understands the importance of family, especially when they are in the public eye so often.

Defining who you are with your friends is another image women seek to grasp. As we mature into our mid-20s, I find my friends look to be seen as women who can do it all. Career orientated, boyfriend/husband, friend, volunteering, makes time for family, has a pet, and so much more. I look at the girls who do all of this, and don't see their happiness. I know I tend to throw myself into things head first, but have learned that doing so isn't fulfilling Sometimes it is best to take a step back, and do what makes you happiest so you can be your best self. I think it is the best way to define your own personal image!
         



Katie, age 35, says:

Today's woman steps out of her urban dwelling, briefcase in one hand and latte in the other, hair perfectly styled, enshrouded in a darling, professional ensemble. She walks in the highest of heels with the greatest of ease, never stepping in dog poo or sounding needy, as she trots through the city on her cell phone, talking to her perfect boyfriend.

That's the fantasy. That's the image of the modern woman that I hold in my mind. It's the picture that keeps me awake at night, wondering how I got here: steeped in consumer debt, with last year's fashions to show for it; bunion-footed, from mercilessly squeezing my woman feet into Barbie doll shoes for years; and lamenting that I perpetually leave the apartment with wet hair, too rushed to use the blow dryer or avoid the dog poo, as I stomp hurriedly along city sidewalks, to jump-start my dizzying, over-scheduled day. And ... boyfriend? What boyfriend? I can't find the time to meet one.

For me, the three images that most define today's woman are: 1) confident, flawless; 2) adorned with material indicators of professional success; and 3) needing nothing. I've acquired those images from several sources: my family, certain women's magazines, and social commentary. There is an externalized feminine ideal, and I believe every person in the world holds a unique version of it. That fictional picture refracts women as we truly are.

I don't subscribe to every such ideal. I don't have a negative body image; I wouldn't change a thing. I don't speak in excessively polite tones, using only the "right" words; if I feel like it and I'm in a comfortable setting, I swear like a drunken sailor. And I don't buy high-priced fashion items or pointy, high-heeled shoes anymore; I shop frugally and buy shoe brands like Dansko, Ecco, and others that introduce style to comfort.

But I do hold myself to a standard of a certain kind: the one described in my fantastical scene. Doing so has the adverse impacts on me that I've set forth in my real-life scene.

Yet, contradictory as this may seem, the same images that harm my experience bring out my authenticity. When I don't use the standard to abuse myself, it lifts me to a higher place. I just have to remember that I'm aspiring to be the best version of me, not anyone else.



Debba, age 40-something, says:

March 8th is International Women's Day. It was created in 1811 by Clara Zetkin to recognize achievements, advancements and continued challenges of women globally. Celebrated in 49 countries, it is a wonderful reminder of how far we've come and how much more we need to do - for all of us. (For more info, visit www.internationalwomensday.com)

This day has a lot of impact on me when I consider what women have achieved in the past 100 years - the right to vote and bear witness, as well as improvements in equal pay and opportunities. (We're not all the way there but we're moving in that direction.) It also reminds me to look beyond my neighborhood to other places on the planet where women don't have rights and are subjected to injustice and unfair conditions.

My idea of a 21st Century Lady is global. With the daily bombardment of mass-media and the Internet, we're confronted with travesties and challenges that lie ahead for our international 'sisters.' While we can take pride in previous accomplishments, we all are aware of women suffering, whose voices are muted from decisions and from impacting their lives and future.

Images that come to mind are the girls in Mumbai who my girlfriend Tina just visited on a mission trip. As young as ten, they are sold into sex slavery by their parents. How can that not make us stop to think - and cry? Situations like that always confuse me how we can feel that our society is so 'advanced' yet things like this take place in our lifetime.

Another image prominent in my mind is my girlfriend Becky. Becky's husband found out he has a rare and aggressive form of cancer this week. She is part of the 21st Century images because there are too many women dealing with cancer - theirs or their family and friends. And not just cancer, but we're dealing with unemployment, divorce, and often wanting to be in a different situation (work, relationship, weight, etc.). Life is short and often we get wrapped up in 'stuff.' This girlfriend reminds me to appreciate all that is in my life and how we can't take anything for granted.

To take a more positive note, another image of 21st Century women are the 160 Girl Scouts that I spoke to recently. They're full of hope and curiosity. I spoke to them on the importance of girlfriends and how we're there for each other through guys, jobs, changes in our lives. I hope they will appreciate their friends and reach out to others. That's a great image for the future of women. Debba Haupert is founder of GIRLFRIENDOLOGY, the online community for women based on female friendship www.girlfriendology.com .

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
If I can speak for most people I will say that we have more lows than highs. I personally feel half and half.

Some of the times when I have had highs are super cool. One of them is when I got a letter from Obama and it even had his signature! That just felt super cool because when I was writing him a letter everyone told me to write it in business form but I ignored them and used a hot pink card with blue birds, wrote in blue pen, and used a green envelope. I just thought to myself, who wants to open just one more white envelope? Because that's so exciting! Some other times are when people compliment me on my outfit. Whenever I wear something bright and colorful I always wonder what might be going through people's minds but when 10 people compliment me within 5 minutes, I know it's always best to just listen to my thoughts and trust ME.

My lows occur sporadically. Most of the time it's when I'm in a big crowd with people my age and I don't know anyone. All of these other girls are with their friends laughing and I just feel so lonely. No one really realizes how much we need our friends but the truth is that they are what hold us up. My friends prevent me form having so many lows. The best friends you can have are the ones that will always be there for you. For some people friends boost their confidence, for example, look at me! I'm so liked I have 30 friends!!!

I would say that people who have a lot of lows are most likely self-conscious but it could really be anything. Depression, sad feelings, etc. To have more highs I recommend thinking of things as glass half full. Just try not to be negative at all and you will truly have a better day!



Christin, age 25, says:

The lowest self love low happened for me when I was nine.  Not that I was fully conscious of my lack of self love at the time.  All I was conscious of was that I wanted to die. I can remember sitting with my legs over the balcony - staring at the pool deck below and wondering if any one would even notice.  Wondering if death was so numbing that I would even notice?  I felt useless and dirty and shamed.  I felt bad and wrong and desperate.  But most of all - I felt trapped.  I was in the self-love dumper for many many reasons, but the most prevalent was because I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse that, one day in fifth grade math class, I unexpectedly remembered.  And all of a sudden, like a supernatural sprinkling of filth all over my skin - I was worthless.  My memory of this time is shaky, at best, so I can't say for sure how long I spent in this darkness.  A week?  An entire childhood?  I do remember when I climbed out.  I was at the kitchen counter with a knife poking into my rib cage - just waiting for the courage to push.  And then it was as if an older version of myself tapped me on the shoulder, a benevolent angel whispering that this period in my life, this shadow, was temporary.  And sometime in the future I would be free.  I had already survived this long.  I would survive to my independence.  I made the choice that I would make it out alive.
 
My highest of self love highs was so opposite to this feeling of loneliness.  It is interesting to me to note the amazing contrast of internal liberation between these two stories. Not only did I make it out alive, I thrived beyond my wildest dreams of love, connection and spirit...
 
I had enrolled in a leadership course in California which was challenging and opening on so many levels.  After our first week I had a moment of such pure love for myself that I have yet to duplicate it.  I don't know what it was about that morning - maybe it was the magic of the redwoods, or the calling of the crows, or the mists of Avalon opening for me.  I looked in the mirror that morning and, for the first time in my life, without any inhibition or need for permission, I saw myself as incredibly divine and beautiful.  I WAS beauty.  I was the essence of life.  And Life was Good.  All my life I had searched for a sign that I was not alone - a touch from the hand of god.  But that morning I felt complete within myself - I knew I was loved because I loved myself.  I knew I was beautiful because I found myself to be so.  I felt so deeply the connection to all the IS - the oneness of all things - and I believed in the goodness and sacredness of my Self.                



Katie, age 34, says:

Since at least junior high, I've engaged in a self-love ritual. Whenever I've felt hopeless about the outside world or the one within me, I've waited for night to fall and retreated into my core self. The ritual is: I sink into a soft, supportive surface - these days, it's my plush, beige living room sofa - with candles lit all around the dark spaces, and soulful music lulling me into peace.
And then, I cry. I release my grief, anxiety, shame, anger, and guilt. As I listen to the heart-opening lyrics of whatever song plays, my tears create space for joy and love to come.

I call these moments my "scheduled crying jags." Even the heaving sobs are miraculous to me, because I'm euphoric when I allow them to happen, and I always heal. Knowing I can return to this sacred space at any time, I emerge feeling safe in the world again, and then I wonder why I always make the jags wait for my night to fall.

Once, one of my crying jags was scheduled for me. I was in a spiritual service, feeling shaken with awareness: two days before, I'd learned not only that the man I had loved for three years did not feel the same, but also, that he never had, even though we'd been in an intimate relationship throughout that time. As the choir sang about love, my torso threw itself over my thighs, and I sat hunched over myself, having a wailing cry that I might have put on my calendar. Except it came out unexpectedly and uncontrollably, like a screaming toddler in a grocery store, holding his mother hostage because he knows everyone is watching. This cry was going to come right there, whether I liked it or not.

I did like it. Not at first, but after I saw how hopeful those around me were, that they could care for me or say the right thing, or just sit with me in my pain. I'd arrived at that place by smiling for three years, when I could have cried a lot, letting my pain out in segments. Getting clear with each crying jag about what I wanted, who I really could be without this guy.

So when people learn about my scheduled crying jags and ask, "Isn't that depressing?" ... I smile. Not because I'm masking something, but because I'm feeling the self-love.


Janet, age 52, says:

Wow! Self-Love...the honest  truth is that for the majority of my life the word Self was always followed with those wicked three letters ish - Selfish. I grew up in a time when being a female meant you put everyone else first and yourSelf last or you were considered selfish. Growing up I was always told what I couldn't or shouldn't do rather than what I could do/be. Go figure that it took over 40 years for me to self-define and figure out what Loving mySelf was/is really about?!?

Today Loving mySelf is quite simple...whatever brings me Joy and makes me truly Happy is Loving mySelf! Walking my dogs on the beach every morning ...collecting sand dollars and heart-shaped rocks ~ makes my heart sing! Getting a manicure and pedicure makes me feel pampered and cared for...taking a bath in ancient essential oils in candle light makes me feel divinely feminine ...being okay with saying "No" to someone or something...or conversely, daring to say "Yes" to something that I really deserve and desire ~ such as going to Africa, Europe, going scuba diving in some far off exotic location or buying new lingerie... Doing and Being exactly Who I Am...rather than what others expect of me...not needing approval... No excuses...explanations or apologies!

The first half of my Life was filled with self doubt and guilt! There would be stolen moments and temporary insanity when I would run off and do something crazy like go on a shopping spree, or steal away for a long weekend for a romantic interlude. But by golly the guilt and self-recrimination was more than I could stand! How could I possibly do something so self-centered as to buy a bunch of new clothes? And how could you possibly just run off with some guy for a long weekend and forget about your responsibilities (not to mention that nice girls don't do things like that!)?!? These were all the voices in my head...the tape that constantly ran. Everything tinged with Guilt and Remorse ...the voice and prattle were always the same...you don't deserve to be happy or be fully alive. I Am a better person for having persevered and transformed these dark times into Jewels of Wisdom...the guilt has been replaced with Grace...remorse replaced with the Real-I-zation that I Am Beautiful Being In & Out!!