Recently in Divorce Category

Notes from the Self-Love Train...
Inspiration From My Portland Trip


This past Sunday I spent four hours with 12 women in Portland, Oregon -- the first ever Choosing ME before WE Book Club Chat. I anticipated that it would be an afternoon well spent, what I got was so much more. Of course there was wine, cheese, and conversation... but there was also laughter, tears and healing. I knew we would laugh and share stories, that is what we do when we get together as women, right? But what struck me most, what always strikes me most when I sit with a group of women, is the deep healing that can come when two or more of us get together and just witness each others truth. We didn't have to solve each others problems, we didn't have to figure anything out, we just had to sit there and listen, through the tears and the honest to goodness, damn-straight truth, and give witness to this and this woman's story, who of course was so similar to my own. Our stories are really not so different - different men, women and details, but the underpining storyline - same.

Although we talked about so much that day, the one thing that really struck my heart was the story of "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself" that I heard over and over again - different details, same story. And it reminded me of how many times I have faced that myself... and how the only way through it was through it, with love for myself.

ME LOVE MESSAGE TO SELF:   I FORGIVE YOU!

There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. I know for me, it took me only a year to forgive my ex-person - who was a real jerk to me -- and it took me 5 years to forgive myself. 5 years to forgive ME for putting myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, for compromising what I really wanted to keep him in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing him, for begging this man to love me, for loving a man even after he spit in my face, for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.

When I heard these same stories - different details - in Portland, it reminded me how important it is for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them, -- especially when it's in front of other women -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! What a load is lifted and WOW! how much more free she is!

Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admiting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side. So I guess in a way there is a magic pill - self-love. And there is a magic pathway -- doing it with other women as witnesses, because every time we show our pain, let it go and let the love in, we do the same for the women watching.

One book that really helped me was little book called The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello. That book saved my life. Check it out... http://tinyurl.com/mstpdt

And another that I found years later that has great stuff is Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.  And just cuz i like threes, you can also find some great ideas for amping that ME-Love affair up by downloading the free Madly in Love with ME Guide at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Okay, I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth... settling in our relationships is stupid, and after spending a week talking about it on the radio, coaching on it with clients, counseling it to friends thinking of leaving their husbands, and remembering the years I myself settled, I have to just say it out loud for everyone to hear, "Let's all get this one statement straight in our heads and hearts, Settling is a dumb choice, don't do it!"

And okay, I get that just because it's dumb, doesn't stop us from settling. I know that better than most because I did it for 15 years. And I'm not alone, we've all settled at some point in our relationship. If you say you haven't, please write me a note because I want to know who your parents were so I can send them a gold star!

So the why... as far as I can deduce from my own escapades as well as those of my friends and clients, here are two common reasons why we settle:

1. We are too afraid to leave the relationship and ask for more. Instead we brainwash and bargain with ourselves. I call it Love Poker, in which we keep dealing and playing, staying in the relationship and the game, hoping that we will win back our chips, that we will get whatever we feel we are missing. We are too afraid to fold and walk away from the table, to end the relationship, so instead, we convince ourselves of crazy thoughts like, "Well, he's not always so bad" and "Maybe I am the crazy one to want these things. Maybe I am being unreasonable." We brainwash ourselves! Sure if you are harping on your mate cuz he's not the perfect housekeeper or the biggest breadwinner, then yes, get over yourself. But if you aren't getting the partnership, unconditional love and respect your heart and soul crave, "You deserve to have it, Period! Stop settling."

2. We are on the escalator to death.  We are on a mission to get to that next life stage -- marriage, babies, big house -- no matter who we have to settle for to get there. Our focus becomes on attaining the 'thing' vs. actually stopping and asking ourselves why it's really not showing up in our lives, and being real about whether it's actually what we want, or if we've fallen prey to the brainwashing of society that until we have it, we won't be happy. I've been there myself. When I turned 30, it was time to get married. I demanded an engagement and a ring. I got it, only to be broken up with six months later. It would have been a heck of lot less painful if I had just been honest that I was trying to marry this guy for all the wrong reasons, including beating my friends to the altar. It's demented, but it's true, and I know I am not the only one.

Which is what compelled me to start a life long love affair with me so that I could stop settling in love by learning to love ME first. After I got that straight in my head, love from another literally showed up on my doorstep when I wasn't expecting it in the form of a 6 foot 3 inch bald guy named Noah. What did I 'do' to make that happen? What can you do to make sure you don't settle in love? People always ask me this question, and while there are many layers to this, it all starts with two ME-Vows you have to make to you.

Vow #1.  I promise not to settle for less than my heart and soul - not my pocketbook, fear, ego, or parents -- really desire. I honor and respect myself so deeply that I only have relationships that do the same.

Vow #2. I promise to be honest with myself, always. Uncompromising, unwavering honesty, about my motivations, my actions and my reality. When I can't be honest, I will seek out people who can help me find Truth, and listen.

Not settling is a promise and a practice. It's something that you have to commit to and choose whenever the option to waver comes up. Here's what I tell myself whenever it seems hard or confusing... Remember that you were given a great gift, your life. Do you want to live it fully and be so happy that joy is streaming out of your ears, or do you want to struggle and suffer because you were too afraid to go after what your heart and soul craved and desired? Choose to live. It's not that life is too short - it's that life is too magical, fabulous and precious!

If you want that great love and partnership, be willing to be that love and partner yourself first, and then accept nothing less from another.

To start your ME-love affair today, visit http://madlyinlovewithme.com for a FREE self-love starter kit.

 

All week long I have been talking with clients and friends and having fits of deja vu -- flashbacks of what it was like for me when I was in a relationship with a man that I SO wanted to love me... who on some occassions was able to give me the unconditional love I craved... but who on so many more days couldn't and wouldn't. In fact he would mostly do the opposite - yelling, fighting, ignoring me, telling me how F'd up I was. But yet I stayed for 15 years, waiting for the day when he would finally love ME, that he would finally be the loving partner more than the emotionally unavailable or verbally abusive mate he was 90% of the time.

After our relationship ended, which led me to loads of therapy and self-discovery, I came to realize this phenomenon as the 'BLIP EFFECT", which is when we let the small joys and moments of unconditional love make up for all the crappy times, loneliness, and struggle. It's  what kept me trapped in a relationship that wasn't much different in year 15 than it was in month six - dysfunctional and unhealthy. And it's what kept all the friends and clients I've talked with over the years trapped too.

So why do we stay in these relationships that don't give us the connection, intimacy and support we so crave? Why do we get amnesia and forget about all the 'bad' stuff as soon as Mr. Nice Guy shows up? Two reasons:

1. We get love mixed up with a reason to be in or stay in a relationship believing that  we only end relationships when we fall out of love. And that is just one big lie. The truth is that we don't fall out of love, we fall out of intimacy, trust and respect. Once you love someone you will always love that person. Unfortunately most of us push our relationships to the point of drama, deceit and devastation so we end up hating and hurting the person, thinking we don't love them anymore, when in fact the love is lurking right beneath the surface.
   
2. We are afraid to be 'alone.' We get 'alone' mixed up with 'being lonely' and the truth is that there is no place lonelier than being in  a relationship in which you don't get the unconditional love, support, trust, respect and intimacy you crave. It's way lonelier than being single. In fact when we do choose to end a relationship and go it alone, what we find, and what I found, was that there was a whole lot of love just waiting for me. I found that love inside myself, I received it from my friends and I got boatloads from the wonderful healers and spiritual communities that welcomed me in.So much more than I ever got from my ex-person.
   

There is a simple truth that we all need to embrace into our lives -- we have relationships because they make our lives and who we are better. If they don't make our lives better -- and I am not talking financially or materially here -- then there is NO need to have them. We are better off without them. That is self-love.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
I have one friend in particular.  My very best-est friend, in fact. With over twelve years of history together all of the times I have coaxed her out of the self-love dumper have merged into all the times she has drug me out (kicking and screaming usually).  It is hard to separate which memories are whose.  It occurs to me now that I am insanely lucky to have a girl friend like this.
 
The instance that comes to mind is a middle of the night phone call.  I realize that this may not seem like much thought or effort to you, dear reader.  But I will tell you this: Sleep is my Number One priority. Above sex. Above cleanliness. Even above eating. (My man-friend claims that my last life was most certainly spent as a cat.)  Anyway, what was so special about this phone call is that my friend needed help.  She needed love and she needed it right that instant. I put aside my extra-ordinary need for sleep, in order to be with her fully. Present in my adoration and listening - even at one o'clock in the morning. I don't even think I said much. I was simply there for her to cry to. I gently reminded her that she was so beautiful she was blinding. She was the strongest, most powerful and neatest person in the whole wide world. I reminded her she was going to get through this - whatever 'this' was - because she had made it through so many 'this-es' in her life. I told her I was proud of her.
 
I think these words come naturally when you love some one so very much. They are easy to say when you find someone so beyond the limits of incredible. When any girl friend - or when I my Self - am in the dumper, the easiest way to negotiate out is to remember and remind of all the power, strength, wisdom and beauty possessed naturally. Who we really are. To recall that this 'dumper' stage is temporary because we are not darkness. We are the glory and shimmery shiny glitters of light.



Katie, age 34, says:

When I was in high school, I had a best friend, Kelly (fictional name). Though she is a year and nine months younger, she was like the older sister I never had, and I admired her like a younger sister would. She was cool, hilarious, smart, morally righteous, drop dead gorgeous, an insanely creative theatre genius, and more centered than any other teen I knew.

If I'd ever found a stepladder tall enough, one that would've permitted me a peek into her darkness, then perhaps I would have seen all of Kelly then. But from my vantage point, she was a perfectly collected, emotionally balanced, one-dimensional, Zen-like creature.

Now a mature adult, I see all of Kelly's dimensions. Recently, she was in tremendous pain, and she reached out to me. She had been working in her dream job, acting and directing for a theatre company. Her extraordinary talent was on display, so she was setting her world on fire doing the work she loved. Then, she was fired. And not just fired, but fired in a cruel manner, by a man in the company's new management who was threatened by Kelly's light. Kelly only had to tell me a few insults he'd hurled at her, for me to see the truth of what had happened.

Kelly told me her story through tears, grasping to figure out what she, the most radiant example of a woman I know, had done wrong. Why hadn't she been good enough? What had she done to upset this man? How could she have prevented him from ruining her reputation and career the way he did? Each time Kelly brings up another angle on the heartbreak, I listen with love. I can hear that she's lost her center, but also that she's not far from it. As her older-younger sister, my job is to help her find it again.

I don't give Kelly advice, as she's wise and fierce and capable of seeing the truth. I elicit the power within her, by asking what I think are the right questions, until she tells me the "right" answers: "Katie, I was more than good enough. I was great." "I didn't do anything to cause this, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it." I love seeing Kelly gradually come back to herself. And I feel honored to be her partner in that journey.


Janet, age 52, says:

Recently a dear friend called to say that her LOVE bubble had popped...not only was her Loving Relationship with her beloved coming to a grinding halt but everything else around her seemed to be following the same downward spiral! Including the relationship with her aging mother (who is suffering from Alzheimer's) pushing her further down into the abyss by berating her...and my friend was taking it All in, believing that everything was her fault! She went to that deep dark hole that we have all climbed into one time or another as a result of not feeling worthy or good enough, that somehow she had not done what she was expected to do, spoke the right words or put in the right amount of time and effort into the situation ~ she was ready to pitch a tent and have a giant pity party!

Well, that was definitely not going to happen on my watch...! I reminded and reflected back to her All the Wonderful Gifts that she possesses...the Gifts that I have been a recipient of on many occasions. Her deep commitment and compassion towards others during their time of need! I continued to share with her how I saw her...a big Shining Light & Generous Spirit who would give the shirt off her back to others...a person who would  drive through the pouring rain to let my dogs out because I was delayed getting home! I shared my own inner turmoil and challenge in showing myself the same compassion I am so willing and freely giving to others ~ I know from first hand experience how much easier it is to show and give others Love before giving it to mySelf!! I also shared with her that just this past week I had a total melt-down and that my first thoughts (and reaction) was to climb into my hole...and then as suddenly as those thoughts came they went because darn it I have done way too much work on mySelf...and walked thru too many fires...to go pitch a tent in that dark stinky hole!! And I reminded my friend that she too has come too far and done a lot of hard work to so readily and easily cast it aside and buy into that crap that she is not good enough and hasn't done enough...at the end of our conversation she thanked me, and with that "Thank You" I reminded her that we are All A Reflection of Each Other...and that I was choosing to see Her Inner Beauty in the Mirror of our Friendship.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37