Divorce: September 2008 Archives

What's fascinating to me about this question is that no matter our age, big life choices happen and although when we are younger they are out of our control (our parents are making them for us), I think in many ways even as we get older they are still out of our control (our subconscious fears and limiting beliefs are making them for us.) Once we hit 18, while we may have the opportunity to say "yes" or "no" to any specific choice - marriage, kids, school, jobs - we only know what we know at the time. Think about it. All of us have made decisions where we look back later and say, "If I only knew then, what I know now." 

Of course, as we grow, we learn and we make better decisions, hopefully ones that better reflect our true selves. But, what I wonder is, what would happen if older women and younger women actually talked more, shared more of their experiences and fears. Could we then alleviate some of the painful mishaps we fall into? That curiosity is actually what caused me to start this blog in the first place. 

No one me that I was making a big mistake when I decided to marry my ex-person, the guy that dumped me two hours before our engagement party. But then again, I am not sure I would have listened. I was too caught in my fear of being alone. I was not self-aware enough to admit that he and I were a disaster in the making. It was only after he dropped the bomb that I went to an older woman for some sage advice. She said "Honey, you can chase him around for years, or you can leave and your life will open up into possibilities you can't imagine." On that advice, I left and she was right. My life did change so much for the better. Now, would I have listened before the bomb of the breakup? Maybe, maybe not. But what I know today is that if I had been really honest with myself, I would have saved myself a lot of pain. 

So my commitment to ME today is: in all life choices, I trust and listen to what my inner voice a.k.a. my intuition has to say. And when a wise woman has something to say, even if I don't like it, I challenge myself to get real. 

Olive, age 13, says: 

Since I am only 13 I haven't made any of my life choices, my parents have. 

My parents have always been very supportive of my wants but they have also controlled the way my life has turned out by their life choices. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be life if my parents had never gotten divorced. Would my life be better than it is now? I definitely think that my life would be different but if my parents had never gotten divorced they would always be fighting and I have a strong feeling that I would want them to get divorced. They are so much happier now and that honestly makes me happier. 

In some ways I feel like I have no control whatsoever over my life but at the same time I feel as free as a bird. That is another good thing about how my parents raised me. Whenever I hear girls say how much they hate their parents I really can't blame them. It's like their parents are keeping them locked up in a jail cell and at the same time they don't seem to trust their kids at all. Sometimes I like to go off into the city and just walk around and when I invite a friend to go with me their parents almost always say no.

You need to let your child be independent! Let them experience life and then when they go off to college they won't be scared to death. Of course you should always give your child boundaries but let them have a little bit of freedom otherwise they will just rebel. Trust me. 

 

Divorce was a decision that altered my paradigm in a way I could never have imagined. For that reason, I wouldn't ever change that choice. I've learned so much about myself because of it and the extent of my personal strength became evident as a result.  But if I could change anything about it, I would change how I handled the process.  If you had asked me then what compelled me to agree to marry a man within weeks of meeting him, I would not have been able to articulate it.  It was driven by something other than friendship, partnership and respect.  I was determined to make it work even though almost immediately afterwards, I knew I had made a mistake. I simply refused to acknowledge it. I wanted to stick by my word, choosing to believe all the while that the intense fighting between us was just growing pains of the first few years together. As time went on, I lost connection with my family and some of my friends, partially by choice to protect my false sense of security.  

Towards the end, I caved in under the weight of my inability to be real with myself, my partner and others in my life. Rather than opting to end it with dignity and respect, it ended as it began: a whirlwind of immediate action. One night, the words "I don't love you anymore and don't know that I will ever get that back" burst out of my core. Pure emotional vomit. My truth had emerged and the next day, he was gone. Over the weeks that followed, he tried many, many times to get a hold of me, to talk to me, often crying and distraught.  Sometimes I'd respond and attempt to explain, but even I was scared of the birth of my truth. I ended up completely shutting him out. I intuitively chose to make room for truth in my life over facing the damage I had done to both of us by ignoring it.  On one hand, I felt like a coward but on the other, I saw no other way to move on at that time in my life.



To this day, he doesn't understand why we fell apart and I've been living with that guilt ever since. But year after year, my heart has freed itself more to fully embrace the gifts I have now as a result: renewed dignity, ability to own my truth, a stronger bond with family and friends and a sense of inner peace.