Recently in Feminine Super Powers Category

On June 22nd, I along with hundreds of women started on a 40-day virtual retreat called the Summer of Self Love... our mission? To take the pressure of having to do, be and have it all off... and to apply instead the power to RECEIVE all the love, happiness and peace we work so hard to attain.

You see, we are achievers... we've been bred to believe that we have to do, do, do, and we do, we are great doers! We get more done than most, and we do it well. We have big hearts and lots of energy so we give a lot - to the people and things we love and care about. BUT the truth is that we are NOT great receivers.

We work harder than we have to.
We are more comfortable doing than being.
We are pros at driving and striving, novices at relaxing and allowing things to unfold.
We believe we have to make it happen.
And we are tired.
Exhausted.

Isn't there a different way?

In the past three years, I have been on my own personal mission to find this way... as a woman dedicated to bringing more and more self love to myself and to the world, I am convinced that we have created lives that are unsustainable (and not self-loving... and while we all want to take care of ourselves, we find it almost impossible.

The truth is that the hippies of the 60s really had something right - all we really want in life is peace, love, happiness and freedom. It's why we all work so darn hard, isn't it. But what I have discovered over the past three years is that we never fully open to receive all that we work so hard for. Why? Cuz we are blocked.

Following are seven blocks I discovered after spending one year and 40 days learning how to receive. As you read each one, notice which you employ the most, and then use the questions at the end of this posting to start transforming your non-receiving pattern into a self-loving Feminine Super Power of RECEVING:


7 WAYS WE BLOCK TO RECEIVING...

1. Chasing the Carrot Syndrome. Always living for the day I will be X. Happy, thin, in love, etc. You are always in the future. You are future focused, not present focused. It's like being at the best 4th of July Fireworks, and thinking about your Christmas presents - you miss the fireworks, and feel unfulfilled.
2. Force vs Power. You rely totally on your man powers to make it happen, instead of your feminine super powers. You control. You are always moving and doing, because you are used to pushing. And when you are always pushing there is no space for anything to come in. This is like the woman who goes out search for a man, instead of putting out the vibration for him to come into her life. She has a plan, a strategy, she's on the dating sites, she uses a lot of her own energy to make it happen. She doesn't listen to her intuition or have any sense that there are things outside of her control. Now compare that to Sophia Loren, who uses her feminine power to the millionth degree. She just stands there, vibrates off energy, and attracts men to her, little effort, no sweat... even at the age she is today! Talk about Aphrodite energy.
3. Energizer Bunny Syndrome. Cannot Turn Yourself Off. You are always going going doing doing so again there is NO space for anything to come in. And you are the one doing it all, till you drop. Ex. You have a mind that always moves. You can't relax. In fact relaxing makes you twitch. You don't know how to "be", and maybe even see the value in 'Being', after all how much can you really get done if you are being? (hint, alot!). You may also be the type of person who thinks they can't meditate. You are addicted to doing.
4. Disconnected from Source. There is an abundant universe that wants to give you many many gifts. When you think you have to do it all on your own, when you don't have a daily practice where you connect to source, when you don't operate on faith, or are over attached to outcomes, you are out of the flow, and you are not receiving all you could. When you cut the flow off you have to work way harder.
5. Atlas Syndrome - Over-responsibility. You take everything on because you can do so much but then you end up with the entire world on your shoulders. You see something that needs to be done, so you do it. You volunteer even though you are already busy. You overcommit and then stress out because you have so much to do (although you always get it done.) Often, you think you are the only one that can do it right. You pride yourself in your maniac multi-tasking abilities. And then you get mad and burnout, because you know what, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is too heavy, even for you.
6. Master of the Universe Complex. You try to control it all. Organizing it. Covering all the possibilities. You don't let anything fall through the cracks, and you'll work extra long and hard to make sure everything nothing can go wrong. Trust, Surrender, Accept, are not words you live by. You may be prone to stuffing your feelings... don't have time to fall apart. You would rather know exactly what is going to happen, plan for all possibilities. You really aren't into allowing things to happen. Stepping into the unknown is not your favorite thing to do.
7. Closed Heart - to yourself or to others. Your heart isn't open fully to give or receive love. You've built Fort Knox around your heart. You've learned to protect yourself. Vulnerability is not your strength and you aren't even sure if you would want it to be. No one, not even you, gets totally into the softest parts of you. And when it comes to loving yourself, lets just say that if people could see how mean you are to yourself, they would call the authorities.
   

WHICH BLOCK DO YOU HAVE... then ask yourself the question?

1.     What is the benefit?
2.     What is the cost?
3.     What is the truth?
4.     What is the consequence of admitting the truth?

I invite you to become aware of which of these blocks show up in your life... the entire 40-day practice of the Summer of Self Love is built to open up these blocks. You can learn more about the practice at www.summerofselflove.com

 
The year I left my corporate job in 2007, I named "The year of receiving"... I always pick a mantra for the year based on the quality that I really want to bring into my life and my self. While I had always been great at making it happen, a skill very valued in the man-powered corporate world, I knew that to thrive as a an entrepreneur and a visionary leader I had to learn how to let things happen, I needed to activate my feminine super power of Receiving.

Three years later, even after a full year of learning it, I still find the Feminine Super Power of Receiving one of the hardest to explain, which seems weird to me on one hand because it should be as simple as saying, it's just like accepting a present from someone. They give you a gift, you say thank you. But that doesn't seem to quite cut it. It's like my achiever brain doesn't register something when I think about receiving in the biggest context of that is how I live my life. "What do you mean receive? Do I just sit here on my throne like Queen of Sheba letting my subjects bring me gifts?" Not exactly. And then you couple that with my social conditioning that it is better to give than to receive and then all those frayed guilt synapses I've spent years rewiring start to sparkle just a bit.

So in the absence of being able to appropriately explain the Feminine Super Power of Receiving to you, I did what any good achiever does, I decided to do something about it. But unlike my former achievement junkie self, I waited until I was 'invited' to do something about it.

After finishing my 40 day taking care of ME practice on February 13th, that little but mighty voice inside my head, who I have come to know and love as my intuition said to me... let's try Receiving again. At first my ego was a little bruised, "What do you mean? I spent an entire year learning how to receive? Do you mean I have more to learn?" An undeniable YES! was her answer, and now I sit here roughly 20 days since I began, and here is what I have learned...

You'll spend less energy and you'll receive more if you wait for an "invitation" vs. pushing to make it happen.

Several months ago one of my dear friends Catherine told me that she had proclaimed a new life rule (she does this on occasion)... and this time her new life lens was 'I wait to do anything until I am invited.' And I thought to myself, "Well that is nice, good for you! And that is a non-apply to me." It was like one of those moments when you kind of get what someone is saying and on the other hand kind of don't but in either case, know you don't really want to know more. Of course what I realize now is that what she shared with me was just sheer brilliance, I was just not ready to see it

Fast forward to two weekends ago, early into my 40-day Receiving when I attended the Sister Giant conference in Los Angeles put on by Marianne Williamson... an event mind you that I was 'invited' to come to another friend. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall.

This other friend is a master at the invitation... although I didn't know it at the time because we've only know each other a few months. When I say she is a master at the invitation what I mean is that she let's things come to her. Opportunities arise, she notices them, she says, Yes or No, and then she moves into them. She's lived her whole life this way she tells me. And this time my achiever brain goes, "Huh, I think there is something to this invitation thing!" Both she and Catherine expend tremendously less energy than I do. No toil to 'make it happen' or 'get it all done' or 'be in the right place at the right time' or 'have the right plan'... and yet they are both successful, they are both happy and the truth is that they are more free to enjoy their lives than I am.

It's not that they aimlessly float around their lives waiting for someone to invite them to a party or tell them what they want to do. They have a knowing and a focus on what they want. They are women of action. And they accomplish great things - from raising daughters, to writing best sellers, to choregraphing beautiful dances and changing people's consciousness - no small feats! But they do it with a grace and ease that until now I know I have lacked, and that I believe that I have officially not believed worked as well as my tactic of push, push, make it happen.

living by invitation only

I lived by invitation for the entire weekend at Sister Giant and the magic that happened for me was profound - I had experiences and met women that I never would have if I had been up to my old achiever ways... and it all unfolded for me.

I am currently still living by invitation which has continued to bring more magic... and questions... but I will save those for another blog.  For now, consider yourself the 40-day receiving practice and living by invitation only.

In honor of Women's History Month, I have to out myself.  As an educated mba from one of the best educations in the country, I have been ignorant to the truth of our history as women. Sure, I know the facts... but that is not the same as knowing, or feeling, the reality. What I learned in history class didn't come close to telling me the truth of what women have endured just in the last century, let alone the last three hundred, or two thousand years. I got the same scrubbed down version of history that you did -- unless you were a feminine studies major -- straight from the lips of a patriarchal society.  Oh, women couldn't vote, so there was this suffrage movement and now they can. Oh, there was this thing called Roe vs Wade that made abortion legal. Oh, women were burned at the stake during this thing called the Inquisition. And yes, there was this other thing called the Feminist Movement that created equal rights. None of those were more than a few pages in any of my history books, how about yours?

And my female relatives growing up didn't make me any wiser about the reality either. They came from the school of "that's just how things were," not the "you need to know these historical realities as a woman because we never want to forget where we come from, and what has been given by the women before us." They didn't make it part of their job as women to pass down the stories of women from generation to generation... and that is a big loss. One that I know after this weekend, I will not repeat.

This weekend -- at the age of 39 -- I finally got WISE! Sitting with 500 women in a hotel ballroom in Los Angeles at the Sister Giant conference, I tapped into and felt in my cells our lineage as women and I felt my heart ache, my eyes well up with tears, and my courage lift as I watched three movies that put me in awe at the bravery and hardships of what generations of women before me have faced. 

I say 'tapped into' because as I sat there in that room, it wasn't just the 500 women that were there, it was also the 500 generations of women that have lived before invisibly sitting in the seats. While I couldn't see them with my eyes, I felt them with every fiber of my being. I say 'felt in my cells' because I experienced the facts that used to sit in my head about women's rights, witch burnings, transform themselves from ideas to human realities. When you see a woman being forced fed with the use of a tube up her nose and a metal device being shoved in her mouth to part her lips and make her eat, suddenly the facts become about a person, they become very human, and your heart receives a message it's not likely to forget -- nor should it.

I let myself be affected this weekend by these films -- something that I am not sure we always do. Our hearts are so closed off in our society, going about our busy busy lives. But to be affected is truly an act of love, both for the self, and for others.

If you are a woman, see these films, and if you know young women watch these with her, tell her this same history.  We are visual beings... and I Imagine the world would be much different if we sat and watched movies like this together vs. chatted mindlessly about the problems of the Housewives of Orange County.


Iron Jawed Angels
You can vote, you know that. But did you know that women were arrested, beaten, forced fed with tubes up their noses and tortured with the use of iron jaws to open their mouths and force them to eat when they called a hunger strike? Hilary Swank and Angelica Houston rock in this movie that made me cry, cringe and shout with joy.
 








The Burning Times

It's estimated between 1million and 9 million people were burned, tortured and killed during the Inquisition -- 85% of them women -- in an effort to stamp out the goddess and pagan traditions and replace them with the controlling patriarchal structures. You can watch this 20 minute movie on You Tube.







Pray the Devil Back to Hell
 
 

You might have heard the prophecy that it will be women that change the world. You've most likely heard that the fierceness of a mother protecting her child is like no other. These women of Liberia prove them both. They stopped a war torn country from fighting because they said "ENOUGH! No more war. We want peace." If women with 'no money' can stop a country from killing each other, what the heck are we capable of?"










I am on board for educating myself as much as I can. If you have other movies or books or DVDs that you think every woman should see, please post it on our Madly in love with ME facebook page. Understanding our history as women is part of accepting and loving who we are. I know I gained great perspective from these films... it's a lot easier for me to love myself and be compassionate when I consider I've never had a feeding tube forcibly stuck up my nose while being detained in a jail against bogus charges.

If you are like me, you probably grew up knowing nothing about Winter Soltice, except for noticing it on a calendar. As you grew up you probably learned that Dec 21st was in fact the shortest day of the year, the darkest day, the date when the days started to get longer again and the nights shorter, and the official first day of winter. Which, while are all nice tidbits of information to know,  so don't even begin to scratch the surface of the power of this day... a day, or actually days, that have the power to change everything about how you live 2010.

In the last 8 years, I've been fortunate to learn first hand about Sotlice from many of my teachers from many different traditions. And over these years I taken their ancient wisdom and translated it into my "Modern Girl's Approach to Winter Soltice," or what is also the first step in the super power of PAUSE. This time, right now, gives you access to super powerful energy that has the power to fuel your 2010... but only if you slow down to tap into it.  Slowing down to let yourself be emptied and filled up vs. being out there on constant doing mode is an act of self-love, no doubt about it.

So in service to your self-love, and the self-love of all beings on this planet, I offer you access to powerful wisdom and a few structures to help you use Winter Soltice to its fullest.





About Winter Soltice
The official day of Winter Soltice is Dec 21st, however the energy of Soltice can be felt and used for the three day period from Dec 20-23, the days leading up to Dec 25th which regardless of your religion is what I call "Restart Day".... the day you get to wake up like a new born baby, jump out of bed, in love with the world, and yourself and start with a fresh clean slate, just like the whitest of white snow.

The days leading up to the 25th, the time of Soltice are the darkest days of the year, because it is a time for reflection, for going inward, deep inside yourself to look back at the year that has been, to celebrate and learn from your surprises, successes and failures. It's a time to decide what you want to leave behind in 2009, and what you want to take with you into 2010. It's a time to be quiet and with yourself. It's a time for being grateful for all that you have created in the past year (because let's face it, it is so easy to forget all that you have accomplished).

There are 7 key times during the year when super duper potent energy is available to us, times when it's important to stop, pause and tap in. Times when the earth and the universe actually open up energy streams that we can tap into. Winter Soltice is one of those times. When you choose to stop and plug yourself in, you can stop having to be the energy stream, and you can tap into an energy stream that is 1000x more powerful than your one body (no matter how buff she is). It's the difference between you being a strand of Christmas tree lights and trying to power them with a foot pump vs. plugging them into the wall with a constant energy source from some mega energy plant. Plugging yourself into Winter Soltice lights you up vs. you having to do all the pumping.  

What's A Girl to Do On Soltice?
If you are an achiever like me, you've probably been conditioned to believe that if you are not doing something, you are not creating value. I beg you girlfriend to girlfriend to let go of that belief today. I've learned the exhausted way, that this demented achiever mentality only leads  to working way harder than necessary. Your task during Solitce is to take some time to BE with yourself, and to literally experience the wisdom, the energy and the happiness that becomes available to you when you take the time to BE. It's like rewiring yourself to be a more energy efficient model of you!

During Winter Soltice I take a least one whole day and evening to process the year that has been, to let go of twiggly danglers and to start getting signs for the next year. If you are just getting started, you can do Winter Soltice in 2009 with a few hours of BEING vs a few days - even two hours will start to give you the feel. We all have two hours to give to ourselves, and if you don't, please stop and ask yourself why not. How you end this year will be exactly how you live 2010, and taking care of you is the best thing you can do for everyone and everything in your life.

 

Winter Soltice / Power of PAUSE steps to get you started:

1. Pick a time when it will be just you, your thoughts and a journal by Dec 23. Everyone can do a minimum of 2 hours. If you can do more great, if not, give yourself the gift of 2 hours. No cell phones, computers, kids, texting. Just you. Paper and pen or markers, the old fashioned way is the best way to do this, as it connects things inside your brain and body. Go somewhere in your home that is quiet. Light a candle. And move to step 2.
2. REFLECT.  Play back 2009 in your head like a movie and see all that you have done, all of who you have become and all you have amassed. Literally close your eyes and imagine the last year visualizing in your mind. Then get that paper and pen and do a formal reflection process where you write out all of your surprise, successes, failures and learnings for the year. In the super power of PAUSE, I use a process called the Wheel of Reflection, taught to me by Pele Rouge and Firehawk. You can download it here. Also you can download an audio where I teach you how to use it.
   
3. Ask yourself the following questions, and write the answers out: 

• What do I want to leave behind in 2009?
• What do I want want to bring with me into 2010? (learnings, perspectives, wisdom, etc)
• What twiggly danglers do I want to clean up this year?
• What one quality do I have today, inside of me, that I didn't have at the beginning of the year? Acknowledge yourself for it and give yourself a big dose of self love for becoming an even better you.

Every year things change, and the specific energy for Solitce time shifts too. This Soltice according to wise woman Ariel Spilsbury offers every one of us a extra super dooper opportunity to let go of any of the patterns that have been holding us back from being our biggest, brightest selves. We all have patterns, ones that we have created in this lifetime and ones that have been passed down from generation to generation from our ancestors. Yes, like it or not, your mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc. give you both their best qualities and their 'shadow' qualities.

The great news is that this Soltice there is powerful energy available to burn up and let go of any familial patterns or personal patterns that no longer serve yo
u. So if you are into tapping into this mega power here's the three step process... (note: I am up to 8 releases so far, and I feel 1000 lbs lighter even after eating all those holiday cookies!)

1. Look at what single shadow you have carried in your life that is like a "curse" or "spell" that you have "been under", that you are truly ready to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ITS CREATION AND FULL RESPONSIBILTY FOR ITS RELEASE! What pattern has come down your family line that you have felt to be completely unable to be changed, so powerful was its "spell"?  Say it out loud or close your eyes and see it in your mind and heart. Close your eyes and see all the people in your family that have had that pattern too.
   
2.  Say out loud "I release the pattern of XXXX." Pause, and feel it releasing.
   
3. Take a vow that is the opposite of this negative pattern, a vow that will fill that void with a positive behavior or belief. Say out loud "I vow to .... " Pause and feel the new vow and pattern forming.
   
4. Write down both the curse/spell/pattern and the new vow/belief.  And give yourself a few minutes to just BE with the feelings of it. This is a critical part of the process. It allows you to INTEGRATE. So don't go right into moving. BE for at least 3-5 minutes.

 
For more information on the Super Power of PAUSE and how to keep using in to make 2010 a year that you live from self-love, success and happiness, visit http://www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause/

Don't be an OX in 2010! 

Just in case you didn't get the memo last January, Chinese astrology told us that 2009 was going to be the year of the OX. I remember reading about the OX, about how it meant hard, hard work, and I thought to myself, well how hard could hard really be? I don't know about you, but this year was FULL of hard work in every way, even for a recovering achievement junkie, professional do-er like me.

Like most achievers, each year is like a mountain for me. One that I set my sites on, imagine what the top will look like, and then go about doing whatever it takes to get to the top. And for the most part this serves me well. I accomplish a lot. I've reached some fantastic milestones. And most of you achievers I know can relate... most people are probably astounded by what you get done.  BUT, before we pat ourselves on the backs too long, I have to share with you a realization I had 6 years ago that brought me face to face with the importance of taking PAUSE. Before which I gave little value to being, and was quite addicted to doing.

So here is the AHA i had ... if every year is a mountain, and I spend the year climbing and climbing it, eventually reaching the top, when do I ever get to enjoy all the hard work I just did to get to the top? If I am always onto the next mountain, when do I get to relax? And hey, don't I deserve to set up camp for a while a take in the view... wouldn't that be the wise thing to do? If the Dali Lama climbed a mountain do you think he would just keep going, or would he pause, meditate, contemplate and become even more enlightened? I am sure he wouldn't do what I had been doing which was stopping for a moment, getting a quick breath in and then get moving again up the next mountain! What I learned when that AHA smacked me in the face was this...

• The wise achiever stops to take in the view, to get the lessons learned from busting our butt to get up this mountain, traveling through the crevices, plunging over ravines, and moving through gnarly rocks.
• The smart achiever notices what failures happened so she can avoid them the next year.
  
• The happy achiever stops and celebrates all of their successes, and even does a little mountain top dance. Knowing that it is this JOY that will fuel her forward into 2010. 

This wise, smart, happy achiever also looks in her backpack, knowing that she has a long journey ahead of her come 2010, and looks at what she wants to leave behind and what she wants to take with her onto her new mountain journey.

Think back over your In the past year, she -- you and I -- have become different, hopefully better people. We've learned to love ourselves more. We've become more patient, nurturing, confident, sovereign, focused, happy, open, insert your particular brand of growth... In the past year, you have become stronger as a person and a spirit, and that strength is something that you get to carry with you, or that actually now gets to carry you, for the rest of your life. Achievers are notorious for thinking they have to be the ones that carry all the weight... wise achievers let momentum carry them! 

Too often, we don't stop on the mountain top to recognize the parts of ourselves that have strengthened... the weaknesses that have diminished or transformed... the strengths that have become stronger. And so we don't get to use the momentum we've created to help us fuel are new year. It's way easier to measure our 'success' by $$, accolades or material things. And while these things are fantastic and to be celebrated they are things that get used up. And then you have to replenish them. But the inner parts of ourselves... when you build those, they are with you forever, and you can use them to propel yourself vs. having to be like an OX doing all the hard work!

This year take a PAUSE on your mountain top...  look back on 2009 and notice who you have become, acknowledge those parts of you that have grown and shifted, and make a conscious choice about bringing those parts into the new year with you.

Use this PAUSE exercise for a guide:

1. Close your eyes and take yourself back to the beginning of this year. See the person that you were then. What were you doing, how were you feeling, what were your beliefs, who were the people surrounding you?
2. Fast forward yourself month by month - Feb, March, April... all the way to today and notice what changes in you as you go through the challenges and triumphs of this past year. Notice your character, your connection, your strengths, your perspectives and understandings, your wisdom
3. Write down the words, sentences, feelings of what you have amassed inside of you in 2009, qualities, strengths, wisdom, etc. that you want to take with you into 2010. 
4. Acknowledge yourself for your growth. Give yourself a HIGH FIVE! And feel these pieces of you strongly in place, with you now for all of your life.

For more information on the super power of PAUSE, visit www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause

TWIGGLY DANGLER
i couldn't find a picture of one, so I will just have to define it here for you right now. the word comes from the imagination of my teacher Ariel Spilsbury. I think it's fairy language for any kind of bad ju ju or undealt with energy that you would rather sweep under the carpet but no matter how hard you sweep, or how hard you try to ignore it, you know that 'thing' is still there.

TWIGGLY DANGLER EXAMPLES
so maybe if i give you a few samples, that will help?

• that unpaid bill you haven't dealt with, 401k you haven't transferred, bank account with $5 in it you haven't closed... $$ twiggly danglers cut off your flow in 2010.
  
• that friendship, relative, co-work relationship that hit a bump sometime this year and that you haven't really straightened out. You haven't totally severed the relationship, but you are either not being straight, or you are avoiding them or the issue, or you are harboring negative energy. Let the bump between you go. Twiggly danglers in relationships stop love from coming in.
• that romantic relationship that ended but that you are still hanging onto. if you have this twiggly dangler in your heart, you can kiss great love from another goodbye in 2010. Let go of as much of that person you can - old clothes, letters, and dreams.
  
• that unsaid sentiment or feeling. whether its love or hurt, if you have unsaid words between you and another person in your life, say them. Directly, or indirectly. You can write a letter and never mail it. These unsaid words fester and keep truth and peace out of your life.

the truth about twiggly danglers is that there is NO self love present.... the energy feels yucky... and you feel lousy, guilty or drained. You'll have plenty of chances to create more in 2010, so starting the year clear and free can avoid the twiggly dangler pile up!

TWIGGLY DANGLER REMEDIES
i think that many people go from one year to the next with this twigglies because let's be honest, dealing with them is uncomfortable. Dealing with twiggly danglers head on can bring up all kinds of icky feelings none of us like - shame, rejection, loneliness, disappointment. Talk about not feeling self-love! But the truth is that self-love is on the other side, if we are willing to untangle the twigglies. So this year, before 2009 ends, meet your twiggly danglers head on, just don't do it in a super public way. No one said you had to splay your twigglies out there for all to see. If it's a bill you've been neglecting, pick it up and send them $10. If it's a friend you've had a falling out with, write them a letter telling them how you feel including how much you love them and are mad at them. You don't have to ever send it. If it's a relationship that has become like an addiction, make the vow to fall in love with yourself this coming year.

You deserve your best year yet this 2010! So take PAUSE and let those twiggly danglers go.

To learn more about the super power of PAUSE visit http://www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause/

  

Trade in Overwhelm for the Power of Pause

 

Every year, it's the same old drill isn't it. We start off with the best intentions, with gusto, resolved to reach our goals and make this 'the' year. But by February that gusto has been drained down by the overwhelm, pressure and realities of day-to-day life. Come October, we're wondering where the year went, and not feeling quite as successful as we had hoped we would when the year started. And then without warning, it's Thanksgiving, then December and a flurry of presents and parties. Before we know it Jan 1 has arrived, and with it the immense pressure to make this 'the' year. 

 

If you are a Type A person, you likely go into New Year's resolution and goal setting mode. If you are the Type B variety, you're likely more relaxed and avoid serious goal setting, stepping into the new year with faith that it will all work out. The truth is that neither of these strategies work. Type A or Type B, these approaches are insane. They keep you doing the same thing year after year expecting different results, which by definition is insanity.

I lived this way for most of my life. Born as a Type A, I began every year with a die-hard New Year's Resolution - quit smoking, lose 5 lbs, start jogging - that I was determined to meet, I never did. By my late 20s I realized that resolutions don't work, and I turned to another Type A tool - goal-setting. For the next three years I created elaborate spreadsheets with quarterly S.M.A.R.T. goals, just like my m.b.a. corporate training had taught me. With specific, measurable, actionable, relevant and timely goals success had to be imminent, right? Nope. Sure, I met some of my goals, but the only thing I saw when I looked at my massive spreadsheet was everything I hadn't accomplished. Another Type A, achiever quality, always more to do. What my goals did do was make me feel worse about myself.

 

Finally around the age of 33, I got smart, and decided to set aside my achievement junkie tools, and find out what people who were really living successful lives did. What I realized very quickly was that I had three big flaws in how I approached each year:

 

1.     I didn't stop to reflect on the year that had passed. I went right from one year into the next, without stopping to recognize all that had happened. I was living my life as if I was a mountain climber, arriving at the mountain top of each year, but not stopping to take in the view that I worked so hard to achieve. Instead, I just took a quick breath, and kept pushing up the next mountain, the next year, without celebrating my successes or learning from my failures. No wonder I was exhausted. No surprise that I never felt like I really accomplished what I wanted, all I could see was the next mountain.

·       Truth: In order to grow, we must stop, celebrate, reflect and learn at the end of every cycle

·       Action: Ask yourself four questions about this last year before Jan 1^st, and journal the answers: What were my Surprises? Successes? Failures? Learnings?

 

2.     I pressured myself to have my entire year mapped out by the first week of January. I had created timelines in my head that had to be met so I could get busy doing what needed doing. One week at the beginning of the year seemed reasonable. What I failed to realize was that I was working against nature. December is meant to be a time of slowing down and going inward, not running around like a maniac visiting people and shopping for presents. People and presents good, mania not. I should have started my year-end process way before Jan 1. I also learned that January is meant to be the 'dreaming time' because everything is frozen and still. It's a month long for a reason... to give us that long to dream our new year. And here I was trying to stuff 30 days into a week, such an over-achiever!

·       Truth. December is for reflecting. January is for dreaming and setting the intentions of what you will seed and grow in the coming year.

·       Action: Looking at the year ahead, ask yourself three questions, "What do I want to do? What do I want to have? And who do I want to become?"

 

3.     My head wrote my goals. Trained to think and live from my head, trained to think dreams were fluffy puffy events that happened when I slept, I wrote goals through the lense of what would drive my career, bank account and fitness level forward. I focused on the achievements I believed would bring me success, as I understood success then. What I failed to realize was that my understanding of success was extremely limited and that the real goal of it was only one thing: my happiness. And happiness didn't come from my head, it started in my heart, which is the place from which I would be better served to write my goals from. Yes, my mind is extremely valuable but it is only a tool to making my dreams realities. I had been starting in the wrong place.

·       Truth. Goals must start with the dreams we have for ourselves, which can only be found in our heart.

·       Action: Give your goals the 'energy litmus test.' Read them aloud to yourself or a friend and rate the energy and passion you feel behind it. If it's not at least a 9 or 10, rewrite it until it is. Example: It's the difference between "I will go to yoga three times a week. I will eat food that is good for me. I will lose 5 lbs." and "My Body is my Moving Temple." That is a real example from my 2009 intentions.

 

Each of these flaws can be boiled down to one thing: my previous failure to understand the power of PAUSE. I had been trained to hit the GO GO GO button all my life and while that made me a very good achiever, it also made me a very busy and exhausted woman that didn't always spend her energy, time and money on what was most important, and what truly had the power to accelerate my progress to my dreams... or bring me happiness on a daily basis.

 

What I learned was that PAUSE is like a super power, when we activate it, PAUSE accelerates our ability to make our dreams realities because it provides us with something we can't get when we are running through life as a frenzied, frazzled energizer bunny -- PAUSE gives us wisdom.  Alice Walker, Pulitzer prize winning author of the Color Purple said in a commencement address in 2002 , "Wisdom, however, requires a pause... it is the pause that gives us clarity...." And, if I look at this woman's life, witnessing her grace and her success on all accounts, I think to myself, the Pause has served her well, so I know it can serve me well too.

 

This December and January, I will be taking a set of PAUSEs, using a simple but powerful structure I created based on the wisdom I found during my last five PAUSE periods. I'm glad to report that there are no spreadsheets and that this process makes me feel great about ME at the end of the year, instead of pointing out my shortcomings. Now that doesn't mean that I am going to cut myself off from the world for two months. I still have plenty to do these months, but I will slow down and I will take big blocks of time to be with myself, my dreams and my thoughts. I invite you this December and January to activate your super power of PAUSE, to find a structure that works for you, one that allows you to reflect first and then expand, focus and energize your intentions for 2010.

 

Your Invited to Pause On December 17^th at 12pm PST.

I'm hosting a free PAUSE tele-call on Dec 17 where I will share and teach the ancient and super energizing system for RELFLECTING. It's the first step in creating a fantastic 2010. The time between December 21^st and December 25^th is the most powerful time of the month for reflecting, so set aside at least one day during that time to reflect. Register for the call by clicking here http://www.daretoliveyou.com/christine_events.htm#prepause

 

 

About Christine Arylo

Inspirational catalyst and self-love expert, Christine Arylo is a self-admitted, but recovering, achievement junkie and doing addict. A teacher, writer, coach, speaker, m.b.a., author, and conversation provocateur,  Christine has appeared on E! Entertainment, CBS, FOX and ABC and over 100 radio stations around the country. You can find her online at www.daretoliveyou.com or www.madlyinlovewithme.com, in person teaching her Feminine Super Powers to women and men, or at home with her partner Noah and their Husky Nanook.

Bears never feel guilty about staying home for the holidays, so why should we?

I was thinking again about those self-loving bears and how they spend the holidays. At home, in their cave, probably with a nice fire and some honey. And definitely without the guilt, obligation or pressure so many of us feel laden with at this holiday time.

In our day to day life, we do feel pressure to take care of everyone and everything else and at the holidays this feeling doesn't go away, it usually gets stronger. Whether it's making sure the holiday dinner is cooked perfectly, the holiday party is a smash success, cards are sent out on time, or we've bought presents for everyone so no one feels left out. As women we are naturally giving, and that is a feminine super power that we want to hold onto, for sure. But, sometimes we give so much to others, that we forget to give to ourselves. We put our self-love on hold, especially during the holidays.

Guilt. Stress. Obligation. Our lack of self love and over giving nature can show up in a million ways. Like maybe you don't really want to go visit Aunt Sally or spend the entire day with your husband's family or pack up everything and travel during this crazy holiday time. Maybe you just want to stay home and cook dinner for your close friends and family. Or maybe you want to go skiing in Tahoe or even spend the day doing absolutely nothing. Or maybe something totally different. But you don't feel like you can just say, "NO, I don't want to do 'that' I want to do 'this' instead. Or maybe you don't even feel like you know why you want, you just know it's not that.

We are usually so busy doing the holidays, that we never even pause to "How do I really want to spend the holidays?"

It's December, so what do us crazy humans do? Run around like energizer bunnies gone mad, running from party to party, store to store, gift wrapping to cooking baking. Bright lights, big sales and big pressure to see and be everywhere. It is a season that we spend DOING.


\Now compare that to the animals that live in the forest, that live lock and step with nature, following the natural cycle of living on earth. Take the bear for instance, what is he or she up to in December? Is she out canvassing all the holiday sales hoping to get that DVD player on sale? Is he running around from grocery store to grocery store worrying that he won't have enough food to feed the guests for the party he's planned? No way! This smart four legged creature is getting her house (or cave as the case may be) in order, stocking up on all the goods she will need to get her through the frozen winter. She's not spending her stock, she's savoring and saving it, using it slowly. This wise animal has tuned into a station we too often ignore: nature. And for the entire month of December this station is broadcasting one message: SLOW DOWN!

So what do we humans do? We speed up! The opposite of what the energy of the season is asking for. No wonder we are dead tired come Dec 28th, and then we pep up for one last go around on New Year's and then spend the next two months trying to work off all the excess we sped up to create.

Now to be fair, bears don't face the pressure you do. They aren't bombarded with Christmas advertising campaigns. Or relatives and friends that all want to share in the holiday cheer. Self love comes easier to them. But they do have some behaviors you can use this holiday season that can help you SLOW DOWN and at the same time still enjoy all the love and fun that abounds. I know you may not believe me, but it is actually in your nature to SLOW DOWN... when you tap into your Feminine Super Power of PAUSE.

You've just got to slow down long enough to listen. Try these bear-proven tactics:

1.  DON'T GIVE ALL YOUR HONEY AWAY, SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF
The self-loving, smart bear loves to share her gifts, time and energy, with those she loves, especially her prized honey, but she never empties her shelves. And she never feels guilty for keeping honey for herself. So for you... yes, give to the people and things that you love this holiday season, and RETAIN energy for yourself too. Remember to GIVE to yourself. And do it before you run yourself into a cold or a sore neck. When you start feeling that run down sensation or the stress kick in, ask yourself, "Am I giving all my honey away?" And then do something to replenish.

2.  SPEND EXTRA TIME IN YOUR CAVE
The self-loving, smart bear isn't romping around the forest in December using up all her energy, she is spending extra time loving being in her cave. After all, she's worked hard all year to make it cozy. December is a time of going inward and it's more natural to want to cozy up at home than to flit from party to party every night. Pick your social outings wisely, doing the ones that fill you up the most. Don't be afraid to pass on social obligations that don't totally light you up. Decline politely, wish them holiday cheer, and then create a cozy, warm space inside your home full of self love, magic and holiday beauty. Use that energy to fill you up.

3. DON"T APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WHAT YOU WANT
The self-loving smart bear knows that she knows what is best for her and she doesn't waste her vital energy carrying around feelings of guilt or obligation. She does what she needs to do and wants to do, without apologizing to the other bears. She's never rude, always full of love, and she has no qualms about setting healthy boundaries. Make this a holiday that you do your way. Set the intention that you will fill yourself up with energy, love and happiness this holiday, and anything that doesn't ftl those three bills, you can pass on, without guilt or obligation.


For more ideas on how to fall more in love with you, every day this winter, download the free madly in love with me kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com