Recently in Friendships Category

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
I have one friend in particular.  My very best-est friend, in fact. With over twelve years of history together all of the times I have coaxed her out of the self-love dumper have merged into all the times she has drug me out (kicking and screaming usually).  It is hard to separate which memories are whose.  It occurs to me now that I am insanely lucky to have a girl friend like this.
 
The instance that comes to mind is a middle of the night phone call.  I realize that this may not seem like much thought or effort to you, dear reader.  But I will tell you this: Sleep is my Number One priority. Above sex. Above cleanliness. Even above eating. (My man-friend claims that my last life was most certainly spent as a cat.)  Anyway, what was so special about this phone call is that my friend needed help.  She needed love and she needed it right that instant. I put aside my extra-ordinary need for sleep, in order to be with her fully. Present in my adoration and listening - even at one o'clock in the morning. I don't even think I said much. I was simply there for her to cry to. I gently reminded her that she was so beautiful she was blinding. She was the strongest, most powerful and neatest person in the whole wide world. I reminded her she was going to get through this - whatever 'this' was - because she had made it through so many 'this-es' in her life. I told her I was proud of her.
 
I think these words come naturally when you love some one so very much. They are easy to say when you find someone so beyond the limits of incredible. When any girl friend - or when I my Self - am in the dumper, the easiest way to negotiate out is to remember and remind of all the power, strength, wisdom and beauty possessed naturally. Who we really are. To recall that this 'dumper' stage is temporary because we are not darkness. We are the glory and shimmery shiny glitters of light.



Katie, age 34, says:

When I was in high school, I had a best friend, Kelly (fictional name). Though she is a year and nine months younger, she was like the older sister I never had, and I admired her like a younger sister would. She was cool, hilarious, smart, morally righteous, drop dead gorgeous, an insanely creative theatre genius, and more centered than any other teen I knew.

If I'd ever found a stepladder tall enough, one that would've permitted me a peek into her darkness, then perhaps I would have seen all of Kelly then. But from my vantage point, she was a perfectly collected, emotionally balanced, one-dimensional, Zen-like creature.

Now a mature adult, I see all of Kelly's dimensions. Recently, she was in tremendous pain, and she reached out to me. She had been working in her dream job, acting and directing for a theatre company. Her extraordinary talent was on display, so she was setting her world on fire doing the work she loved. Then, she was fired. And not just fired, but fired in a cruel manner, by a man in the company's new management who was threatened by Kelly's light. Kelly only had to tell me a few insults he'd hurled at her, for me to see the truth of what had happened.

Kelly told me her story through tears, grasping to figure out what she, the most radiant example of a woman I know, had done wrong. Why hadn't she been good enough? What had she done to upset this man? How could she have prevented him from ruining her reputation and career the way he did? Each time Kelly brings up another angle on the heartbreak, I listen with love. I can hear that she's lost her center, but also that she's not far from it. As her older-younger sister, my job is to help her find it again.

I don't give Kelly advice, as she's wise and fierce and capable of seeing the truth. I elicit the power within her, by asking what I think are the right questions, until she tells me the "right" answers: "Katie, I was more than good enough. I was great." "I didn't do anything to cause this, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it." I love seeing Kelly gradually come back to herself. And I feel honored to be her partner in that journey.


Janet, age 52, says:

Recently a dear friend called to say that her LOVE bubble had popped...not only was her Loving Relationship with her beloved coming to a grinding halt but everything else around her seemed to be following the same downward spiral! Including the relationship with her aging mother (who is suffering from Alzheimer's) pushing her further down into the abyss by berating her...and my friend was taking it All in, believing that everything was her fault! She went to that deep dark hole that we have all climbed into one time or another as a result of not feeling worthy or good enough, that somehow she had not done what she was expected to do, spoke the right words or put in the right amount of time and effort into the situation ~ she was ready to pitch a tent and have a giant pity party!

Well, that was definitely not going to happen on my watch...! I reminded and reflected back to her All the Wonderful Gifts that she possesses...the Gifts that I have been a recipient of on many occasions. Her deep commitment and compassion towards others during their time of need! I continued to share with her how I saw her...a big Shining Light & Generous Spirit who would give the shirt off her back to others...a person who would  drive through the pouring rain to let my dogs out because I was delayed getting home! I shared my own inner turmoil and challenge in showing myself the same compassion I am so willing and freely giving to others ~ I know from first hand experience how much easier it is to show and give others Love before giving it to mySelf!! I also shared with her that just this past week I had a total melt-down and that my first thoughts (and reaction) was to climb into my hole...and then as suddenly as those thoughts came they went because darn it I have done way too much work on mySelf...and walked thru too many fires...to go pitch a tent in that dark stinky hole!! And I reminded my friend that she too has come too far and done a lot of hard work to so readily and easily cast it aside and buy into that crap that she is not good enough and hasn't done enough...at the end of our conversation she thanked me, and with that "Thank You" I reminded her that we are All A Reflection of Each Other...and that I was choosing to see Her Inner Beauty in the Mirror of our Friendship.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37

Oh my gosh! Olive makes me remember that we start this bad behavior as teenagers with the "innocent" act of judging the girl next to us for her horrible fashion choices. Then, as we get older, the stakes get higher. We judge other women, including our friends, for their choice in men, children, career, and yes, even still their clothing... based on nothing more than what we deem to be right and wrong, a.k.a our opinions.

I know that I myself am like walking opinion machine. Think about your own typical day and how many opinions you form ("I like this, I don't like that") and add those minor thoughts to the deeper opinions that stem from your core values -
"I am... pro-choice, for gay marriage, against chickens running free, just name a cause." It rocks that as women we are free to have our opinions, ones that we are passionate about, that we believe in, that make up who we are. But what's figged up is using our opinions to make harsh judgments about someone else.

This election has tested me beyond, beyond and even more beyond, and I admit that I have failed again and again in my commitment to being "judgment free." I do have opinions, and I've been told "passionate ones." So what do I do when I meet or see someone who disagrees with me or that I really disagree with? Do I try to convince her? Do I shut up and walk away? Do I scream at the television as if she can really hear me?

In my 20's I would have died trying to "show her the light." But in my third decade, I've wised up and learned that it's not my job to convince anyone of anything. Instead, it's my choice to share from my heart and soul, not my righteous mind. It's my commitment to myself to share what I believe, with emotion and conviction but without judgment. And it's my responsibility to meet every woman with both my truth and my heart and leave their opinion up to them. I am no longer interested in arm wrestling another woman to the floor, and I can still fight for what I believe in, without having to tear her down in the process.

 

Olive, age 13, says: 

One thing that all humans have in common is that deep down inside we all like to be right. Sometimes there are women who are more open than others but sometimes we like to have our opinions and stick with them.

When a woman gives you her opinion saying that she is against gay marriage and you disagree you might judge her vary harshly. When you don't judge women as much is when they don't like a shirt that you think is super cute. This is because if we were to judge a woman because she doesn't like a shirt, we would never have really good friends.

Something that we could do to help fix this is to open our minds and realize that no one will ever be exactly like you. We might have more things in common with some than others but we just have to know that everyone has their opinions.

Some examples are: You go out to a store and your friend tries on something that you would describe as hideous. When she comes out of the changing room it looks worse. The shape, color, and style looks bad on her but she thinks it looks fabulous. You can just find something positive to say about it like it is very creative and then just be happy for her that she found something that she loves.

Anne, age 41, says:

 

Funny thing. This question is coming at a perfect time. I have this new friend. We get along and then suddenly, the energy shifts and we are not communicating and I am saying things that hurt her and she is saying things that offend me. Doesn't sound pleasant right? I am judging how she is handling her life, her taste etc. And I feel it right back. So what does this mean? Why am I partaking in the vices of judgment and blame? Well...I find that when I am triggered this intensely by a situation or a person, I am really fighting with a part of myself that I do not like or am afraid of. This person and I share many of the same life situations. And I think I am finding it painful to view up close a side of myself I am not proud of.

So to answer the question, when conversations and interactions with someone get you in a position of anger and blame, you have to start with yourself. Why are you getting so personally involved? If you can't come from a place of detachment and love with someone, then you need to look at yourself and your own beliefs to be clean about what negative stuff you are bringing to the relationship.

Linda, age 60, says:

 

My belief is that opinions are a derivative of personal values combined with life experience, and my sense is that it's our values that provide the emotional heat behind our opinions.  I'm not so sure that being "stuck" with an opinion is such a bad thing if it's a true reflection of one's values.  What we do with those opinions seems to be the question at hand, however, and I have no doubt that the level of judgment directly relates to the element of what we hold to be truth.

A couple of years ago, a woman moved into town who became connected to my social circle.  Her need for inclusion was so strong that she began to take over the planning of many unique social events, and the group's acceptance level was high.  However, after a period of time, another side of her became more pronounced that displayed a sarcastic, derisive nature as well as many negative behavioral traits. Where she had once been included, people were now going out of their way to exclude her from social gatherings. Most of the women had changed their opinion of her, not because she couldn't give a good party, because no one could relate to the negative side of her nature.  She suddenly was being judged for a value system that was different from most of the others.

Could anything have been done differently? Should we have been more accepting of her behavior? In a perfect world, we'd all just get along and not let someone's "stuff" get in our way. We'd all work hard to see through others and be accepting of who they are despite their behaviors. But, the truth be told, I'm not sure I want to work that hard any more. And maybe that's all about being 60.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37

The thing that struck me most about the topic and blogs this month was the idea of respect. We all want it, but we don't always give it. Relationships that work have it, ones without it don't... and that goes for friends as well as lovers and family members. We can have different opinions from our friends if there is respect on both sides, it's what allows us to say, "I respect that you have an opinion, I am willing to hear what that is, and I don't have to agree with you." In fact, if we have a safe place to disagree we can really stretch ourselves to get curious, see other points of view and grow as women. 

But like most things, this is easier said than done. I am a passionate person and when my friends and I disagree it hasn't always been pretty, especially when it involves social and political issues. Some topics are really hard, especially when you are at polar ends of  the earth. What usually happens in those friendships is that we avoid those topics or only engage in them occasionally. 

Most of us stay away from uncomfortable discussions, or we limit our close friendships to people who think like us. But avoidance is not the answer. While most of us wouldn't be super excited about walking into a room full of people who staunchly oppose our opinions, we can all challenge ourselves to use our friendships as a safe place to share our opinions, even when they differ. The important thing is that we hold R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we stop ourselves from trying to convert the other, and we listen. We may not agree, and that's okay, as long as we have respect and heart with our friend. 

Olive, age 13, says: 

Whether or not it is possible to be friends with someone that is totally different than you really depends on what kind of friend they are to you. Are they a best friend or just a buddy?

If they are just a buddy then it should be okay. You might still have trouble though if you don't even have fun together. When you hang out together you have to have something to talk about without always disagreeing otherwise your time together will just be miserable. If you do have fun together though it is just best to enjoy each others opinions and just be open. 

If they are your best friend then you have some trouble. Most people like to be right and prove their point so if you are constantly talking to them and hanging out with them you will just argue all of the time. Arguing is okay but when you do it all of the time it just means that you have an unhealthy relationship.

When you go out shopping with your friends you want to be able to find something that is cute and have them agree with you. That's just the type of person that most people want to be around. If you have friend and all you can think about them is bad thoughts, that's a good sign that maybe it's time to talk or it's time to let go and find a new friend.

Anne, age 41, says:

 

It's funny. I have become very good friends with someone whose religious beliefs, on the surface, are quite different from my mine. However, I really value her friendship. We never discuss the specifics of her worldview or mine, but rather have worked out a way to have really meaningful conversations about ethics, life, death, raising children, etc. and we do not always agree. On the other hand, I have had a friendship fade, even though we were raised relatively the same way and had mostly the same general beliefs. I think why the first relationship works and latter one didn't isn't what we disagreed about, it was what we really thought and felt about each other on a personal level that made it impossible for us to have a safe place to have disagreement and ultimately a friendship. 

So maybe at the end of the day it is a yes and no answer. I find you can have significant differences of opinions about almost anything as long as you have mutual respect and honesty. So another question is when you do disagree with someone and it gets you really angry or upset, why do you want them to see the world the way you do? What are you trying to convince them or yourself of?

Linda, age 60, says:

 

This question really brings up another:  How do we define friendship?  And one's answer to that question provides a clue to the first.

When I choose to move an acquaintance into my circle of friends, it's because we are of a like mind.  We share similar values, enjoy similar activities, and view the world in a similar fashion.  Granted, our political or spiritual views may differ somewhat but the essence of who we are as people is very much the same.

Opinions are what they are, and everyone can give one on just about any topic.  They really don't define an individual; they only present us with information about what that person thinks.  The problem with opinions is when someone insists on being "right."  And these are the people who are difficult for me to be friends with.

Why?

In my experience, people who define opinions as right or wrong make judgments about others on a somewhat superficial level.  What someone thinks becomes more important than who someone is.  And, in that process, I feel very judged not by who I am but by what I say.  It's very difficult for me to engage in friendship with someone who lacks the openness to accept my views or choices as the results of my own life experience.