It's day 5 of the New Year and I don't know
about you, but I can just feel all the pressure, obligations, and have
to's trying to creep in to this beautiful month of January which is
meant to be all about dreaming in your year to come.
A year that you, me, everyone wants to be full of happiness and love.
That's always how we start each New Year isn't it? With those hopes?
And then we think if we are lucky, we'll live and end the year that way.
But what I've learned over the years is that hope doesn't really cut it.
Just hoping is like a crap shoot, and life's too precious for that.
And being over controlling, or over goal oriented doesn't work either.
Cuts off the miracles and the magic that your brain can't even think of yet.
What does work is clarity...
Clarity that only comes from asking your heart & soul what THEY really want.
Because they're the ones with the answers that lead you to happiness and love, always.
As my 2012 New Year gift to you, I taped this video...
It includes 3 questions that I believe every person should ask
themselves in these first few weeks of 2012... and then make your
choices from there.
I'm using these questions myself!
They are simple questions, and
they will make you clear on what really brings you happiness and love...
and lead you down the path of making decisions that lead you to where
you want to go... not just keep you busy.
AND I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR ANSWERS to the QUESTIONS... just like I shared mine. Post them below and I will bless them with LOVE!
Three weeks into dating my current
husband, Noah, he looked at me and said, 'Christine, I don't know
what is going to happen between the two of us, but you have to raise
your standards for men.
"You can't like a guy because
he's nice to you. He's supposed to be nice to you."
"Whaaaaaat???" My head cocked to
the side and I looked at Noah like he had just told me my parents
were really aliens from Mars. How did I - super smart and
successful woman - not know this? Of course, my logical brain was
aware that people should be nice to you, but deep down, I had no
clue.
Based on my experience of men, I had
come to expect men to be hypercritical, verbally abusive, angry for
no good reason, self-centered, and controlling. Deep down, I didn't
believe that men cared about 'relationships,' intimacy and being
loved. And so, I, and most of my girlfriends, dated what we expected,
and ended up unhappy. Or if a "good guy" did come along, we tried
to get rid of him for 'being too nice." We say we want one thing,
but then we attract and hang onto something quite different.
That day, I made myself a promise that
I would follow these three "Happy Rules" when it came to my love
life, that way I'd never forget again that my relationships are
supposed to make me happy, not stressed out, crazy or sad.
THE 3 HAPPY LOVE LIFE
RULES:
If your guy or gal isn't
nice to you, then they don't deserve you.You
deserve unconditional love and respect, and you must demand it in
your relationships, or the relationship has to end (friendships
included!) The catch is that you can't get what you don't give
yourself, which means you have to give unconditional love and
respect to yourself and others if you want it in return.
Don't settle for less than
your heart and soul desire for your life, even if it means ending a
relationship.Pick a partner who helps you reach your
dreams and be the best you possible. When looking for a relationship
or deciding if the one you have is right for you, ask yourself
first, "What are my dreams for my life?" Then ask, "What kind
of partnership do I want to support me in that life?" and then you
can ask, "So who would that person be?" ME. WE. HE. In that
order. Choose ME before WE. This is your ticket to life, live it for
yourself first, and you'll be more likely to find and keep a mate
that is happy to be on the ride with you. Better to go solo than to
have someone dragging your life ship down.
Take a vow to Be Honest With
Yourself - NO MATTER WHAT!And engage the help of
friends when you can't get to honesty on your own. Take this
self-love dare: Hold an "Honesty Hearing." Say to them, "I
need your help on getting honest with myself. You can be totally
honest and I won't get mad. How do you see me lying to myself
about XX relationship?" Just listen. You can ask questions, but
you cannot comment back or engage in a debate. After they are done,
say "Thank You." Ask yourself, "What is the consequence of
admitting the truth?" Let that sink in and then make a commitment
to take at least one action that addresses this truth.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
people how to put their most important partnership first, the one
with themselves, so that they can create the love and life their
hearts and souls crave. The popular author of Choosing ME
before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com,
Arylo is known as the "Queen of Self-Love." She created Madly in
Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated
to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the
world. Check out her free Self-Love Kit at www.ChooseSelfLove.com
Not from your head or your ego, or what
you think you should have to make you happy.
Go deeper.
To the place where real dreams,
dreams worth having and dreams that
actually have the power to manifest in reality come from.
Go in to your heart.
Who already knows exactly what dream is
raising its hand screaming, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!!"
Who already knows the first few steps
you could take right now to turn it from dream to reality.
What does your heart have to say?
Can you hear her or him?
Okay, let's do this together.
Close your eyes right now. Take a
breath and put your hand on your heart and ask,
"What is the one dream I have for
myself that right now is most important to me?"
What does your heart say?
And if you were to ask
"What is the one or two steps that I
can take in the next three days to move towards that dream?"
What does your heart say?
And wait, one more question...
"What is the one thing that will stop
me from this dream becoming real?"
What does your heart say?
Okay, just one more...
"If I didn't listen to fear but
instead to the truth in my heart, what do I know?"
Whew! Great work moving past your fear
into love... if you were really listening to your heart when you did
this exercise, then when you asked yourself what would stop my dream
from becoming real, you would have felt your heart contracting,
fluttering or some kind of feeling that was BLAH! That's because
fear had the microphone!
And as an ambassador of Team Love, I'm
just not going to let fear win over you and smash your dream. All you
have to do is take the love dare!
SELF-LOVE DARE... Take one giant
step toward your dream!
Write down the guidance you
received in your journal, on a piece of paper, heck even a sticky
note. Just somewhere you can see it.
Then write down, say out loud or
share with a friend the one or two actions you are going to take in
the next 3 days to take a giant leap toward
For those of you that are looking to kick fear out of your love life, and haven't yet taken the self-love stand to choose ME before WE... take a swing by my book page for Choosing ME before WE, check her out, and if you are ready to really truly put the love back in your love life, starting with the love you have for you, pick yourself up a copy.
Wherever this finds you today, read
this knowing that fear only has the power you provide it and at any
time you have a choice ... To choose to have faith in LOVE or to
choose to have faith in FEAR. I really encourage you to try on having
faith in LOVE. And of course, that love starts with the love you have
for yourself. Love yourself well today. You deserve it.
About Christine
Arylo
Popular author of
Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love,
Christine has been called the Queen of Self-Love. Her insights, fresh
perspectives and daring take on love, in all its forms, have been
featured on TV and radio stations across the country, in the world's
top spas and retreat centers, and in colleges and corporations. She
is the founder of Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of
self-love, which includes a free self-love kit downloadable at
www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual school where women go
to transform their self-sabotaging voices into self-empowering ones.
What to do when you get smacked down by the universe...
How to interpret the message and come out happier because of it.
No kidding... Last week the universe hit me in the head, literally!
What started as a spontaneous trip to the Ashram Okay, I know the story is already kind of unusual, spontaneous ashram trips! But as it turns out the Ashram of one of my original spiritual teachers Just happens to be down the road from the wine country home I've been writing my next book from. Of course, there are no coincidences.
So Wednesday afternoon, unannounced, I stopped by I was greeted with love, and lunch Sat with a guru Prayed for the removal of obstacles And two hours after my spiritual bliss and what I thought was the removal of any obstacles hanging out in my life, I smacked my head right into one
Literally walked right into an open cabinet door and received not just a bump but a gash that at the time to me looked just as awful as Harry Potter's scarred head. (more later on my magical medical adventure) What the heck kind of answer to a prayer was that?
Prayer is powerful, no question. I know that. I just didn't expect what got delivered. But when the universe is trying to get your attention. It will do whatever it takes.
In what ways has the universe been trying to get your attention lately? And have you been listening, or Like me are you headed for a smack in the head?
I hope your message comes in a more gentle manner. But just in case you end up with a more aggressive messenger, I thought you'd like to be prepared on how to handle it.
So I taped this super-powered video your new moon Love Letter!
Would love to hear from you about when you got smacked in the head from the universe - What was the message and how were you finally able to hear it?
The truth is that inside of me, hidden way down deep inside Has lived a fear of rejection that no one could ever tell was there Even me for many years.
Successful. Driven. Ambitious. Go Getter. Fear of rejection? What are you talking about.
I am talking about the fact that we ALL have fear. You have fear. I have fear. Everyone you know has fear lodged somewhere in our hearts and souls... and too often, we, me, let it hold us back from what our hearts and souls really want... we may not admit it, but we settle.
And right now Right here in this moment Your personal brand of fear - while it may not be rejection - Is likely sitting on top of some dream or desire you have.
Telling you to play it safe. Wait for tomorrow. To be more practical. Just do it on your own. To settle for less.
But what if you didn't have to settle? What if you could move that fear aside (even if you didn't know it was there until now)... and you could reach beyond comfortable, beyond trying to make it happen all on your own, into massive happiness and freedom, where the universe was actually creating miracles on your behalf!
Today is the full moon - a super powered day of expansion. Prime time for busting through limitation. The best time for opening up to miracles. Have you already got your full moon, miracle-opening, fear-busting moment planned?
Well, no worries, if you haven't...I've got your back so you don't miss out! I taped this video for you, where I'll tell you all about the power of this moon, help you connect to that "IT" you really want, I'll even expose my own desire and fear around this India thing and use a very special friend to bust me through fear to love... And, then my very special friend will even do the same for you.
Do you have 5-7 minutes to open to miracles today?
After you watch the video, I double love invite you to do 2 things to REALLY make this so
1. Make your one full-moon, fear-releasing, miracle-making action public... Post your stand on my blog or on the you tube page, and prepare to open yourself up to more than your mind can imagine.
Because here's the thing - the power in all this isn't in being able to manifest exactly what you want as your mind sees it. India Arie may or may not say YES to my request. But I will be different because I asked, because I chose love over fear. The power and the benefit available to you in this moment comes from choosing love over fear and expanding your own sense of what is possible, because in that expansion you open to more success...
and the truth is that almost always you receive something even better than you ever thought... that is the power of magic... that is the power of love... that is the power of the full moon! Tap on in... watch the video... and...
2. Consider join me and my spiritual running buddy Gabrielle Bernstein for the BEST SUMMER YET... we are taking fear on, opening up the doors to freedom, happiness & miracles, and YOU ARE INVITED.
You can learn more about the 40-day Fear Cleanse by CLICKING HERE.
And if you haven't listened to our free call on how we faced our own fears to become the happiest people we know - where we share 3 of the KEYS to having it all we found along our path, there is still time to listen LIVE on June 16th, or we will send you the recording. CLICK HERE TO GET THE FREE CALL.
If you were to stop and look around your life
At your job
Your relationships
Your finances
Your responsibilities
The goals driving your decisions
How free do you really feel?
And if the answer isn't SUPER FREAKING FREE ... then why is that?
Isn't FREEDOM - really what you, me and we are all working so dang hard for?
Because, let's face it -- we all do work pretty hard, and for what?
Money? Time? Security? ...
or is what we are really after Freedom? Happiness? Love?
In the wake of thinking a lot about life and death these last few weeks,
(thank you so much everyone for all the loving emails, they've meant so much!)...
I've been having some deep conversations with the universe...
About the why so many people feel TRAPPED.
Why we WORK so dang HARD.
About why we WAIT to live the lives our hearts and souls yearn for. How is it possible that our generation has more opportunity
than all the generations before us combined...
Yet most people aren't any happier?
Today, I can say that I have created a life in which I feel very free.
I know that I am one of the most free and happy people I know.
I still have a mortgage, a car lease, and people who count on me...
I still have aspirations and big dreams
I don't live in a tent, and I haven't had to relinquish my worldly possessions! My freedom comes from within, from who and what I give power to.
To what I truly have faith in.
To what I trust most in.
It's taken me 10 years of conscious decisions to get off
what I call the "Escalator to Death" ... some it the call "The Road to
Nowhere"... and others call "The American Dream," or what the American
Dream has morphed and twisted into: work your butt off, every day to
get farther ahead, amass more stuff, and create "enough" financial
security so that you can feel safe... or like you have finally gotten 'there' But most of us, even when we get 'there' just feel more trapped than we did before. Crazy!
After you watch the video, I'd love to hear from you about how you would like to be more free in your life -- is it in
your career,
your financial freedom,
your relationships,
your self expression,
your capacity to let love in?
And then pick ONE step you will take in the next 48 hours to give
yourself more freedom in that area... claim it here on the blog (what you state you are a gazillion more times likely to do!) and watch your happiness and love
quotients RISE!
3 ways to feel super loved even when
your relationship is ending
Most of us have been
trained to believe that when a relationship ends, we lose the love of
the person who we once felt so loved by. This belief is an instant
misery-creating lie that is simply not true. The truth is, love is
impossible to lose. Yes, you feel pain because of this breakup, but
not because you've lost your former person's love. You hurt
because endings of any kind are sad. You hurt because you have lost
the dream of what could have been. You hurt because the loss stirs up
your own fears and past pains. You hurt because there is an empty
space in your life that wasn't there before, a space that you've
been told is the loss of love, but it's not.
The space you feel is an
opening for more love to come into your life - starting with the
love you have for yourself, and then expanding to include all the
love that the world is just salivating to give you. Love is
everywhere, when you are open to receiving it, and when you know
where to look. Opening to love can be hard during a breakup, but I
know no better medicine than love for mending a bruised or broken
heart.
If you are interested in
taking yourself off the pain train and moving into a space where you
can honor your sadness and at the same time feel more love, happiness
and possibility, then read on and put these three Love-Generators to
work for you:
LOVE GENERATORS
1. Tell yourself the
truth. You are not losing love. You are ending a relationship.
Do yourself a BIG favor
and be honest about why your relationship ended, and don't make it
about love.
Love is an easy excuse
when you don't want to be real about why your breakup is necessary
to stay true to the most important partner in your life ... you.
Love is indestructible. It
may get masked or deeply buried under feelings of anger and
disappointment, but even in the most gnarly circumstances, love never
disappears, it just goes into hiding.
Relationships are dynamic,
they are always changing form, and sometimes in order to be happy,
two people have to go their separate ways - which has nothing to do
with love. Relationships end not because the love dies, but because
the intimacy, trust, respect or connection fades, because the
contract with each other completes, or because you each want and need
different things from life. Not all relationships are meant to 'be
forever,' if they were, you'd never meet anyone new.
Make a list of all the
reasons why the ending of this relationship is GOOD for you,
necessary for you to live the life you were destined to live. Then,
take an act of self-love and state the reasons out loud. Self-honesty
is self-love.
Know this. You are loved.
Always. And that love, starts and end with you. It's ridiculous to
give the power of feeling loved away to another, when you have the
power to feel loved at will inside of yourself.
2. Mourn the loss of
the dream, not of the person. And remember your dream didn't die.
We often cause ourselves
more pain than needed during a breakup because we misplace our
mourning energy and end up grieving more than we need. We've
already established that the love lives on, so you can take "loss
of love" off your mourning list. You can also take off 'grieving
the loss of my ex-person' - because they are not dead, they just
aren't sleeping next to you anymore. What is dying and important to
grieve is the loss of the DREAM you had for this relationship. Your
hopes, intentions and co-created dreams came to a crashing halt when
the choice was made to end the partnership, and the loss of those
dreams is where much of the pain lies. But when you aren't clear
that's it's the lost dream you are mourning, you get all caught
up in trying to change and control things you can't.
So be sad. Get angry. Move
into acceptance and surrender that this particular dream is gone. But
don't stay stuck there. Keep your mind out of dramatic thoughts
like "My relationship is over!" or "I'll be alone forever!"
or "What if he finds someone else and loves her more?" Thoughts
like these create unnecessary pain - kind of like poking your
tongue into fresh dental work. Ouch! It hurts. Don't do it.
Move your focus from what
you can't control - bringing the old dream back - and dive into
what you can, reconnecting with the dream you have for your life! The
ending of one dream means the beginning of another, and you still
have the power to dream forward the life your heart and soul want.
When you dream yourself
forward, you create more love in your life because you are telling
yourself that you are worth dreaming for. And you are. Yes, the dream
of your former relationship may have ended, but your dreams for
yourself didn't, so why would you give up on yourself? If you
aren't dreaming yourself forward, who will? Love yourself enough to
move towards your dreams.
3. Find proof that love
exists everywhere. Fill your life with love.
While you might not be
receiving the oodles of physical love you once did from your former
mate, he/she is not the only love source on the planet. The worst
thing you can do during a breakup is starve yourself from love...
that is the surest way to get your Inner Mean Girl all riled up with
rants like, "You'll never be loved again." Which of course, is
a straight up lie.
The best thing you can do
for yourself is to find proof of love and fill your life with it. You
live on a planet that is abundantly full of love - it's
everywhere - and it's your job to see it, ask for it, and let it
in. The more love you surround yourself with, the more love you will
feel, and the easier this transition will be for you.
Here is your shopping
list of love generators. Put the list up somewhere you can see it,
and make sure each week you are getting your fill.
Connection.
Connection creates love. Be with people who
love you. Not to talk about 'the relationship' or fix you but
just to be with. Walk. Snuggle. Play. Let them love on you.
Smiles. Show
those pearly whites to anyone you can - baristas, strangers, the
person sitting next to you on the bus - and when they smile back,
let the love in. When they don't - and some won't - smile
anyway and send them love. A great way to feel love is to give it.
Music. No
sappy love songs, only inspiring, uplifting music for you. Turn it
on, dance it out. This is an instant way to turn your obsessive mind
off and open your heart to love. India Arie is my fave.
Animals and
Children. Like instant shots of love, hug a
puppy, look into the eyes of a baby, pet a kitty, and just feel
their innocence and love permeate your cells.
Self-Love. Do
nice things for yourself. Take yourself on dates. Do the things you
love. Take a risk. Remind yourself of why you love you. Make an
I-Love-ME list - 108 reasons why you love you. Keep it in your
purse, and on hard days, read it to yourself. Instant love.
About Christine Arylo
Popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Lovewww.mebeforewe.comChristine has been called the Queen of Self
Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in
all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the
country, in the top spas and retreat centers in the world, and in
colleges and corporations throughout America. She is the founder of
Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which
includes a FREE self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual
school where women go to transform their self-sabotaging voices into
self-empowering ones.
When I first met my husband Noah ten years ago, if you had met me, you would have thought to yourself, "Now here is a smart woman. She's getting her m.b.a., great job, confident. Here is a woman with tons of self esteem." And you would have been right. That was all true. Which is why what I am about to tell you is even more shocking.
By our third date, Noah was so taken aback by my big reactions towards his small acts of kindness, that he felt compelled to take me by the hands and say to me, "Christine, I don't know what is going to happen between the two of us, but regardless, you have to raise your standards for men. You can't like a man because he is nice to you. He is SUPPOSED to be nice to you!"
What??? My M.B.A. brain reeled in total confusion as if Noah had just proven to me that the world was actually flat. In all my 30+ years I had never considered the fact that the minimum bar of acceptance was a man who was nice to me. And like a time-stamped rolodex, my brain reeled back to all the not-so-nice behavior I had endured, experienced, and come to expect.
So yes, it was true, I was a mentally intelligent woman, but I was emotionally retarded. And as I looked around at many of my friends, I noticed a definite trend. Beautiful and well-liked women with successful careers who constantly chose men that didn't treat them with the unconditional respect and love they craved and deserved. Which, of course, just like me, made them chase them, want them, and change for them more.
Yes, we all had smarts. What we were missing was self-love.
What we didn't know was:
Unconditional Love and Respect in Your Relationships is NOT an Upgrade.
It's a Must.
While we all knew that we could do the job, get the grades and build the career, what we had failed to see was that unconditional love and respect was where our expectation bar for men should be sitting, and that in order to do that, we had to be able to give that same unconditional love and respect to ourselves.
Fortunately for me when I had this epiphany, I was three months into my now ten year journey of self-love, so I really took a step back and asked myself, 'How did I get to the age of 30 before I realized that men were supposed to be nice to me?' and 'What can I do to make sure I never sell myself short again?'
From one smart woman to another, who finally did learn to love herself, here is what I discovered:
3 reasons why we expect men to not be nice:
Bad training. If you were lucky, your mother told you to expect men to be nice to you, or you were out of there. My mother, like most, never made it around to that talk. Not because she had some sick desire for me to suffer, she just didn't know this fact herself. Ignorance and tolerance are like bad family heirlooms passed down generation to generation. The good news is that you have the power to break the cycle whenever you choose.
Set points were set with immature boys not good men. Our first experiences with the opposite sex in regards to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic are set on the playground, playing out adult dramas in totally childlike ways. One minute he's your boyfriend. Next, he's spitting spitballs at you. This continues through high school and college, so your brain creates set points that say this is the normal state to allow. Problem is, "spit balls" don't feel any better at the age of 27 or 37 than they did when you were 8
Bad examples, everywhere. From the movies, tv shows, music and internet, it's a constant barrage of men being jackasses. This is bad rap for men, and bad input for you. Subconsciously your brain stores bad as normal (92% of the images you see go right around your conscious thoughts into your subconscious). Add your own personal experience of men - from family, friends and strangers - and you could see how your subconscious brain could form all kinds of thoughts you had no idea were there.
So What Do You Do? Choose Self-Love.
All of the bad programmings and low expectations can be reversed and avoided by changing one thing - your relationship to yourself. The truth is that every relationship you have is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. If you don't have unconditional love and respect for yourself, there is no way that you can expect it from someone else, which is quite often why you will settle for less.
In my book Choosing ME before WE, I talk about the 5-vows of self-love every woman must make with herself first, before she can have a loving relationship with another. Here are two of those vows. I invite you to take it and keep it, and honor the most important relationship you'll ever have - the one with you.
Self Love Promises:
I honor myself.
I never settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live my dreams, or I don't have them.
I give unconditional love and respect, and I expect it in return.
This doesn't mean that all of your relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect and love you desire. Unconditional love and respect go both ways. It also doesn't mean that you go cutting people out of your life without taking a good deep look at what you want from your relationships, what part you play in creating that relationship dynamic, and then taking steps to transform, let go or grow the relationships you currently have so that EVERY SINGLE ONE reflects that same unconditional love and respect you have for yourself.
Self-love requires that you choose me before we in every relationship, which is not about being a self-centered, narcissistic, its-all-about-me kind of person. What choosing me before we means is that because you have made a commitment to create what your heart and soul desire, you don't have space in your life for relationships that drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju ju feelings (like shame, guilt, self doubt) or take more energy than they give.
You are a beautiful woman. Be nice to yourself. And believe you are worth being nice to.
About Christine Arylo Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches women how to love themselves. A recovering achievement junkie and doing addict, Arylo is the co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School and the popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com. Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
Few of us would deny that self-love is a good idea. Could you imagine
telling a child, "Hey you, don't love yourself, that's selfish."
Of course not. And chances are that if asked, "Do you love
yourself?" most people would say, "Yes, of course I do," when
in fact the majority of us don't really have a clue what self-love
actually means, or requires.
This lack of understanding about self-love isn't surprising when you
consider that the current definition of self-love on dictionary.com
is 'conceit, vanity and narcissism' (no kidding!) Or when you
look at the pressures today's woman faces, equal to men in many
ways, knowing she can do anything, but exhausted by her attempts to
do and be everything.
As an independent, self-confident women with tons of self-esteem, I sure
thought I had self-love, until I found myself at the age of 30 almost
marrying Mr. Wrong because I was afraid to be alone. Add on how much
I hated my cellulite and called myself fat (I am a size 8), beat
myself up for everything that I didn't accomplish (I have my MBA
from one of the best business schools in the country), and drove
myself to exhaustion because 'resting' made me feel guilty, and I
had to stop and ask myself, "While I might have self-esteem, I am
surely missing something." And that something was self-love.
My definition of self-love is quite different than the dictionary.com
version - and it boils down to this: Do you have unconditional love
and respect for yourself? A big question for sure. Self-love can feel
so intangible and vast to attain, but there is a path, there are
milestones - I've experienced at least 5 of them myself over the
past 10 years. I call these milestones the gates of self-love. And
you can use them to see where you have load of self love and where
you don't.
In honor of this February 13th, the international day of self love, I've created The Self Love Test to give you insight on where you are ready to grow more self love. My self-love dare to you is that on Feb 13th, you choose one gate of self-love and make that the gate you focus on this year. You can learn more about each gate as well as the vows and
hows of self-love in the free self-love kit at www.ChooseSelfLove.com For now, take this test and as you read about each gate, ask yourself, have I already passed through to the other side, or am I
still climbing my way up to new levels of self-love here? Then ask yourself, "If I was to choose one area of self-love to grow in 2011, what would that be?" Dare to choose self-love.
The 5 Gates of Self-Love
Gate #1: I know who I am and what I want from this life.
This is the first factor to loving yourself, because if you don't know who
you are, how can you love that person? Most of us go through life
doing what we think we are supposed to do and be, influenced by the
society around us. These experiences and people form our beliefs,
attitudes, and perceptions, until the day we realize that how we
really feel and think is different. While you will continue to learn
about yourself forever, self-love requires that a. You make a choice to live self-aware, b. You know you want from your life and you are not settling for less
than your heart and soul desire. c. You know who you are NOT, as well as who you are. d. You have healed your emotional gapers.
Gate #2: All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live
the life I want, or I don't have them. This can be one of the hardest milestones, because it means setting boundaries and being honest about your relationships. It requires honoring yourself SO much that you only have relationships in your
life - friendships, romantic partners, even relatives - that give respect, trust, unconditional love and truth. You love and honor yourself so deeply that all relationships in your life make your life better, help you reach your dreams and be a better you. This doesn't
mean that the relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect you desire. What it does require is that you choose me before we in every relationship - let go of ones that don't serve you, change ones that have the potential to grow, and open up to let new ones come in.
Gate #3: My body is my temple. I recently took part in a survey in which 78% of women admitted that the thing they were hardest on themselves about was their body. Not a shocker, but sad. Let's face it, we are all guilty of body hate and what I call 'body slavery' - treating your body like a drive-me-til-I-drop workhorse, ignoring her needs completely. For me like I said, it was my cellulite. "Every time I sat down wearing
shorts it screamed at me, 'Here I am! Look at me!' After being tortured by it for years, I did a self-love practice of loving my cellulite. Every day, I told it, "I love you." I meditated daily,
visualizing my cellulite pockets being filled up with love. Today, I can't tell you if I have any less of it, but I do know that I very rarely notice it. And when I do, while I may not like my cellulite, I can love it. Its appearance now motivates me to walk more, instead of
hating my body for having it. Self-love requires that when you notice something about your body you don't like you choose love vs hate. Self-love also means shifting your relationship to your body from her being in servitude to you to you being grateful for this beautiful temple you get to inhabit while on this earth.
Gate #4: I am nice to myself. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. In fact, if the outside world could hear the thoughts inside your head, they
would call the authorities. Every woman has an Inner Mean Girl inside of her spewing out rants like, "You are not enough. You should be able to get more done in a day. You
don't belong." She compares your worst to everyone else's best. Some call her the
inner critic, but she is way more personal than that! As part of your self-love journey, your job is to love this Inner Mean Girl to death, so that instead of hurting you with her self-sabotaging thoughts and habits, she can help you see how beautiful, powerful and whole you are right now, just because you are you.
Gate #5: I can and do take care of me without the guilt or burden. It's like we have a DNA pattern that says take care of everyone else before you take care of you, and if we try to buck that pattern by actually taking care of ourselves, we can't help but feel guilty or like we should be doing something more productive. This self-love milestone means being able to say, "Yes... I make self care a must, not a nice to do... I take care of me without feeling guilt... I meditate, relax, or take a walk and see it as productive time vs
wasting time. I am aware of what I need, I am make sure I receive it.
A new kind of self-love expert, Christine Arylo takes a fresh approach to redefining and teaching self-love. Popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Arylo is also the founder of Madly in Love with ME™, an international self-love movement, and Inner Mean Girl Reform School, a place where women come to learn how to stop being so hard on themselves. Visit her at www.daretoliveyou.com.
While the holidays are advertised to bring us cheer, joy and gifts, what many
of us also end up with is a rack full of stress, guilt and debt. Why?
Because we listen to the negative voices in our head telling us to
buy more, eat more, visit more and do more - when we are already
stretched for time, money and energy.
These
self-sabotaging voices are the voices of your Inner Mean Girls and
Inner Bullies. Some call them the "inner critic," but they are
way more personal than that! They are like the Grinch who stole
Christmas. They too will steal the joy, peace and happiness from your
holidays!
You have to
be smarter than these Inner Grinches and take back your power this
holiday season so you can really soak in the joy, connection and
celebration you deserve. Following are 10 ways you can outsmart your
Inner Mean Girl or Inner Bully. And for more secrets to holiday
happiness, get a download of a free 'holiday rescue' call at
www.innermeangirl.com
1. Stop
Worrying About What Others Think
You can't
be responsible for how everyone around you feels about how you live
your life, so stop worrying about how your family, partner and
friends will react to your choices and start getting real about how
youfeel about your life. Ask yourself, "How do I feel about..." Give yourself permission to put yourself first.
2. Do
Things Because You Want To
Throw away
the big "O", Obligation. Give up the gnarly "G", Guilt. And
make a commitment to do what you want this holiday season, even if
that means you don't do what other people want or expect of you.
And if you do choose to do something you aren't so jazzed about,
challenge yourself to do it from a place of love. Ask "What is it
about this action that does matter to me?" and act from that place.
It's all about the attitude. You can choose to be a martyr and a
victim, or you can choose to be happy.
3. Give
Up the Image
We all
construct images of who we think we are and who we want the world to
see, and then attempt to live up to them. Don't try to live up to
other people's expectations, or for that matter your unrealistic
expectations either. If you're low on cash this year, be okay with
that. If you aren't feeling super happy don't put on a fake
smile. Don't try to impress your guy's family or friends or fit
in to what everyone else is doing. Be yourself, exactly where you are
right now.
4.
Boldly Express Your Unique Spin on the Holidays
Want a
Christmas wreath instead of a tree? Prefer Chinese food instead of a
turkey? Celebrate Solstice instead of Christmas, but love to light
candles at Chanukah? Like sending New Year's cards and gifts vs
holiday cards? Love plaid pants. Tradition isn't always better, and
it certainly doesn't always make you happy. Be bold enough to express
the way you choose to interpret the holidays.
5.Know What Makes You Happy
Stop trying
to fit into the expectations and ideals that outside forces -
society, family, work, friends -- have said you 'should' be in
order to be successful, happy and accepted, this holiday and ask one
really simple questions, "What really makes ME happy?" Think
about the times that you've been happiest during the holidays. Who
were you being? What did you have? What were you doing? Do the same
for your most unhappy times. Compare the two to your life today and
notice the gaps.
6. Pay
Attention To Your Emotions
We all have
emotional triggers, things that set us off or that evoke an overly
strong reaction, and the holidays are prime time for them to come up.
Pay attention to situations that make you spin, get your mad factor
going or that send you into the pool of suffering. Be the boss of
your emotions by having and taking responsibility for them, and don't
let them drive your life. Happiness is a choice (yes, even when a
relative is driving you crazy.) Put yourself in situations that
create happiness and remove yourself from conversations and
experiences that don't.
7. Act
On What You Know Will Make You Happy, Even It's Hard
Putting
your happiness first isn't always easy. It often requires going
against what everyone else is doing or thinking. But if you aren't
true to what feels right for you, even if it doesn't fit the needs
and sensibilities of other people -- parents, partners and friends
included - aren't you just selling yourself out? You always
know what the best action is to take for you, it's just not always
easy. Be committed to your happiness, even when it's scary, and
even when other people don't like it.
8. Have
an Opinion and Express It
If you
don't like the way things are going - like the plans your family
is making or the way the holidays have created stress in the past -
speak up. Know what you believe and don't be afraid to express it.
Happy people have convictions that come from inside their souls,
minds and hearts. They know their Truth and are willing to stand in
it, even when what they have to say makes others uncomfortable. Know
your truth deserves to be heard just because you're you.
9. Let
Others See You. Be Vulnerable.
Share your
most real self with the people around you - family, friends, and
colleagues - and let them see all of you. The strong, the weak, the
self-assured, the self-doubter, the funny and the serious. Have and
show your emotions fully - from sadness to happiness to anger and
joy. When you keep the full range of you hidden, no one can know who
you truly are, and that creates unhappiness. While it may feel scary
to be vulnerable, you'll find that the more you show the real you,
the more others will be willing to share their authentic self too,
and the more connected and happy you'll be.
10.
Don't Compare Yourself.
One of the
fastest ways to rob yourself of your joy is to compare yourself to
someone else, or to who you think you should be. Put yourself on a
Comparison Diet over the holidays. Every time you find yourself
thinking or saying a comparison, stop, change the channel in your
head and say something that you are grateful for in your life or
something that you love about yourself. Ask your friends to do the
Comparison Diet with you. You'll all be happier.
About Christine Arylo Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
women how to stop being so hard on themselves. A recovering achievement
junkie and doing addict herself, Arylo is the co-founder of Inner Mean
Girl Reform School and the author of Choosing ME before WE, Every
Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com.
Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love with ME,
the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated to making
self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
