The unsustainable lifestyle of the modern day
woman
Feed the kids.Get a raise.Loose the weight.Clean the
house.Wear the lingerie.Whew!It is tiring being a woman these days.We have more opportunities, self-confidence
and independence than any generation of women before, yet something isn't
working.
Why is it so
exhausting?And why do we
always feel like we can never catch up?
Being the recovering achievement junkie that I am, as well as a woman on a quest to really understand all the ways women love and don't love themselves this is the answer I have come up with...
While we
all know that the earth needs to be sustainable in order to survive, we've
failed to realized that WE need to be sustainable in order to thrive. We -- our bodies, our minds, our spirits - are NOT SUSTAINABLE based on how we live today, yet we think we should just be able to downward dog, multi-task or prioritize our way out of this... and it's not working!
Think about how many times you've said to your
girlfriend, "I'm so overwhelmed" or "I'd love to but I don't have time." Or
even worse, remember the times you didn't reach out and instead went to that
dark place of feeling super alone, like the entire world was on your shoulders.
Women today face pressures like no other
generation. We have more opportunities but not more happiness. A recent study
by Time Magazine showed women today are no happier than women were in the
1970s, before the women's movement and equal rights.
Does that mean that equality was bad?No, the feminist movement was hugely
important to raising the standards of life for women around the world, and like
anything it had unintended consequences which we now have to deal with so that
we can figure out what is right for today's woman."
The unintended consequences:
·Too
many roles. Mom. Money Maker. And Major Caretaker. 40% of women are the
major breadwinners in their families, and 55% report that they still take care
of most of the responsibilities at home. So you can understand why...
·Women
Are Running Themselves Into Exhaustion. It's estimated that 80% of women are so
overworked and stressed that they suffer from adrenal gland fatigue, whether
they know it or not. Women slough off or mistreat the symptoms like weight gain, fatigue,
insomnia, depression, cravings and mood swings, and then, because they aren't
listening to their bodies warning signals, they end up with serious health
concerns like auto-immune and thyroid disease.
What
Can Women Do About It?
It's
been said that women will change the world, and I firmly believe that, however,
we won'tchange anything if we
don't take care of ourselves first! And we need to support each other to do so.
So this year, I am daring every woman to make 2010 the year she takes care of
herself as well as everything else in her life... without exhausting herself in
the process!
THE DARE : a 40-day Self Love Practice
To
kick off this dare, on February 13th, the international day of
self-love (a.k.a. Madly in Love with ME Day), I'm asking you to commit to a
40-day self-love practice called Taking Care of ME. Every morning for 40-days
before you get out of bed, ask yourself, "What do I need to do to take care of
me today?" And then listen. Whatever it says, you have to do it. Take a nap.
Start work at noon. Whatever.
Why? I know that you want to take care of
yourself, but your brain tells you that you don't have time. And time is so not the issue! You literally need to
reprogram your brain to have new beliefs that support you taking care of you.
Beliefs that you can rest, relax and take care of you... and everything will still be taken care of. Brain scientists, yogis and metaphysicans agree if you can do anything for 40
days you can change your habits.
Do you dare???
MY DARE: What I learned from doing this dare.
I've been doing this self love practice for the past 36 days, and honestly, there have been days it has really kicked my butt! Especially the day it said, 'Do Not start work til noon' and I said, "Are you crazy?" I have a presentation, a zillion things to do and then some. But I made the pact with myself so I had to do it, and I did, and what happened? My entire presentation downloaded into me while I was sitting in the sun at 11am, my intern showed up and did a bunch of stuff, and all the pieces fell into place.
I have been learning to trust. I have been rewiring very deep beliefs that if I don't do it, no one will. If I don't do it, my life will fall apart. And I've come face to face again with my achievement junkie who runs me harder than anyone else ever could.
Check
out this clip from ABC-TV where I talk about my 40-day Taking Care of ME Dare.
I wouldn't ask you to do anything I hadn't done myself!
It's day 15 of my 40 day self-love practice of Taking Care of ME first, and I have to laugh. I often call myself a recovering achievement junkie because I am still recovering. Case in point is that not only I am on this 40 day practice, but I added another 28-day practice to it, LOL! I rationalize this by saying that I'm not doing the practices to achieve anything, but to actually make myself happier.... so that means that it's not junkie behavior right??
So to get to the point and the AHA that I am just dying to share with you! So my second practice has been to embody the quality of IMPECCABILITY. Which to me takes the quality of meeting your commitments, doing what you said you would do, basically having integrity at a whole new level. There is just something about the word impeccable that doesn't leave any room for wiggle. If you say it will be there by noon, by noon it is. If you say within 24 hours, within 24 hours. No wiggle.
And while that may sound restricting and like it adds way more pressure than one would want to put on themselves, especially during a 40-day take care of myself practice, I have to tell you it's actually been liberating and really eye opening. So much so that...
I think I've found yet another key to why we as women often end up last on the list and find it so hard to take care of ME.
We like to say YES! And we don't like to say no. You get an invitation to dinner. A girlfriend invites you to a drink. Your mother asks you to go shopping. Your boss asks you to take on a new project. A colleague asks for an hour of your time for brainstorming. Most of the time you say YES, right? Unless you are totally stressed out, and then you decline, but only after you've completely explained how overbooked you are. We are givers and that is a great thing, however, most of us give more than we have to give. We give and give until we have nothing left. We say YES when if we were really taking care of ME, the answer would be, "Thank you but no." Whether we are afraid we won't be liked, we don't want to let the person down, or we feel like we 'should' be able to do it all... our inability to say no costs us a lot on the taking care of ME scale.
We overpromise and then push ourselves to deliver. I had a male boss once, Joe, a white-haired man 20 years my senior. And Joe had three rules, which he shared with our team via a power point presentation when he became our leader (seriously). I'll save you the entire presentation, but I will share this one rule with you that he lived by ... "Always underpromise and overdeliver." Viola'... because they you will always give them more than they want with less effort from you. And he did it, all the time. Me? When someone asks me when I will get back to them, or when I am giving someone the timeframe in which I can complete something, I fail Joes' advice more often than not. The overpromises fly out of my mouth while my body and intuition are saying, "NO! Make that date later in the week... make that turnaround time 2 days later," my ego mind overrides them and like the achiever it is, picks a date that will make me work harder than anyone but me expects me to.
We have the power to take care of ourselves, we're just not using it! The interesting thing about these two AHA's is that I've known all of it for many years. But I never ever connected them to my ability, or non ability to put taking care of me first, to make taking care of me easier.
But by doing these two practices together, I really got that I have the power to make taking care of me easier or harder by what I commit to. And much of the pressure I put on myself, is just that, pressure I put on myself. When I am making promises to do a favor or complete a task... or am agreeing to a deadline... or making plans with a friend... they don't have crazy expectations of me in most cases, they just want to know what I can feasibly do. And whatever I tell them, they will react to and assume to be true. If they need something more they will ask. It's not my job to figure out what they need and the overcompensate and overstretch myself to provide it. It is my job to take care of me, and taking care of me means showing up as the person that I want to be in this world and making sure that she is taken care of.
Impeccable and Taking Care of ME, the How to... I am committed to both, and I invite you to try both too, so that you can feel good about yourself, and feel good inside of yourself.
1. Like being impeccable. Live by the energy of impeccability and let yourself feel how great it is to be able to do exactly what you say you will do. How good it makes you feel to give to others what they need when they need it... but this time, you are going to do it because you've made a promise to yourself to be impeccable, your actions come from a place of integrity and honoring of yourself. They don't come from the place in you that wants to please someone else, or are afraid of making them mad or having them not like you, or because you think you should be able to accomplish the task. 2. Check in with yourself before you say YES. If you've made a promise of impeccability you want to set yourself up to be successful and that means taking the time to decide what you really want to commit to -- without fear that what you are asking for is too much. You ask for what you need and let people come back to you. This is about checking in with your intuition before you say Yes to anything. Trying to schedule a meeting or respond to an invitation to a party? Stop. Check in with your intuition. When you force it what is the answer? When you act from the truth which feels easier and more spacious, what is the answer? This is a skill you're going to have to develop over time. The goal is to find the spacious feeling inside your body and act from there. It's funny, but true, that your body always knows, you just need to learn to listen to it. 3. Make your sustainability a priority. When committing to something really check in to see how this would affect your energy levels. What do YOU need right now and what will you need then? I declined a dinner invitation to a friends birthday party not because I didnt want to see her but because I needed to recharge me that night, and although I wanted to appear like I could do it all, I needed this time for me. So instead, I went to her house for 3 hours in the afternoon for a more intimate gathering, more relaxed and still got to give her love. I made my sustainability a priority, and guess what, she's still my friend!
Make this the year you take care of YOU! so that you can reach your dreams, make a difference, be there for those you love and not exhaust yourself in the process.
There are thousands of women taking this challenge this year, and you can join us!
It's day 11 of my self-love journey of taking care of me first, and my answer of how to do that today is that I need to write this blog, today for me and for every woman and girl out there in the world who doesn't know or have self love or understand why it truly matters.
Last night I was in a room full of 50 women talking about self love, what self love is, what self love isnt, and why self love really is the answer to getting the relationships and love we want in our lives. And it was great! The women who came up to me after the interview told me of their own journeys to love themselves and what an impact it had on them. They told me of the work they were doing in the world to support other women... coaching women through divorces... supporting women in abusive relationships... filming a documentary on the desire for forever love. Work they could only do after they themselves had learned to love more of themselves. Leaving me even clearer that self love is so NOT selfish... that actually loving ourselves allows us to help, inspire and support other women and girls around the world to find safety, peace, and love.
Now I compare that blissful experience to the one I had this morning at my dining room table in which I was really saddened by these very different responses from women I received in the last two days:
I had reservations in calling you because of all the self love stuff that is on your website. I think self love is pretty hippy dippy.
Is Madly in Love with ME Day about masturbation?
Self love isn't for me.
These answers befuddle me. And they make me sad. What about self love is hippy dippy? Why do we think masturbation when we hear the words self love? And masturbation in this case isn't said in the kind of way that masturbation is good, but in that it is dirty. How can self love not be for you? Would you ever tell your daughter not to love herself? Don't we want our girls to respect and honor themselves so deeply that they take care of themselves... that they only have relationships that respect them... that they love their bodies for exactly what they are... that they love themselves for who they are... AND don't we want that for ourselves, and for every other woman in our lives, and in the world?
I think we do... I think we do want these things for ourselves and our girls. Do you want these things for yourself? for your daughters, nieces, godchildren, and for the world?
Up until recently, self love has been a word reserved for therapy rooms or spiritual circles, not a topic for conversation at the dinner table or among mothers and daughters, or even girlfriends. Most of us don't know what it means, nor do we know how to find it. And if I am honest, if you had told me 8 years ago when I was still neck deep in trying to find my happiness through my career titles, the size of my house, and getting my fiance to love and see me, I would have thought the same kinds of things. Self love would have felt totally irrelevant at best and it would have sounded like a dirty word at the worst.
As I sat at my dining room table today, being with the sadness I felt about the fact that women today still have these responses to self love, as if it is a luxury or nice to have, vs a critical component to true happiness, I remembered, "Oh yes Christine, your life mission, to reclaim the definition of self love for every woman and girl. And today in 2010, that journey has just begun. It's your job to share what you've learned over the last 8 years, and keep learning... going from a woman who thought she loved herself to one who understands that self esteem is not self love... and that without self love, happiness, success, a great relationship, and a career that you love and that loves you back, is not attainable.
If you are not sure whether or not self love is for you... here are 4 reasons why it's critical. If you have self love...
You won't have abusive relationships or toxic friendships. Women and girls who love themselves would never stay in a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship. 1 in 3 girls will be in an abusive relationship by the time she is 20, 80% will go back. Women who love themselves know they don't need the love of another to survive, so if they find themselves in these situations, they leave. Women who love themselves don't stay friends with people who drain their energy or that are not supportive. When a woman really loves herself she doesn't attract 'negative' people into her life any longer.
You won't beat yourself up for everything you're not. Women who love themselves never compare themselves to other women. They don't judge themselves harshly. And they don't focus on what they should have done but didn't do. They are able to accept the person that she is right now and love that person, not for what she gets done it a day, or for what she accomplishes but just because of who she is.
You'll be able to take care of yourself, as well as everyone else, without exhausting yourself to do it. Women who love themselves believe and trust that if they take care of their bodies, their health and their needs first, that they will be able to do everything that needs to get done in a day to take care of their jobs, families, communities and responsibilities. And they don't feel guilty for doing it. Women who love themselves do not take on the burden of everyone elses life or problems, and they don't try to control everything around them. They are not martyrs or victims to their busy lives. They refuse to be busy. And they refuse to let themselves become exhausted. They are able to create a harmony in their life that make their life run for them, not them run through their lives.
You'll take care of your body because you realize that it's what allows you to do what you love, not because you need tight buttocks. Women who love themselves understand that their bodies are like temples on loan, structures that need to be adored and taken care of, vs. shifted and shaped for appearances sake. She exercises, eats well and cares about her health not because she needs to lose 10 lbs, have flat abs or keep up with the looks of younger women. She does these things because she loves her body so much she wants to take care of it... the weight loss and the youth are the outcomes, not the drivers. Self Love is the source. It's a big mental shift that women who love themselves understand, and women who drive or abuse themselves and their bodies without compassion don't.
Those are only 4 of many many more reasons why self love isn't a luxury, a dirty word or something that's 'not for you.' If you truly want to help women and girls around the world, love yourself first. If you want to raise daughters who make great choices, love yourself first. If you want to be happy in this lifetime before you die, love yourself. If you want to experience great love, love yourself first. And if you need help doing it, join me and other women who know the power of self love at www.madlyinlovewithme.com
When someone asks you how you are, do you ever say "I am so busy! Or good but busy." Try it now. Stop and say that word, "busy" over and over. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. How do you feel when you say busy? It makes me feel all wound up. No wonder since some of the definitions of busy Include "not at leisure; otherwise engaged" and "officious; meddlesome; prying."
When you say the word busy and busy over again, you can actually feel the vibration of the word, it's is like a bee buzzing all over the place. Remember bees are always busy buzzing. No time for play. They just work and work and work until the queen bee kills them. Not a good deal!
Love Fact: Words matter. Words are sound and sound is vibration and vibration is energy. It's like sonar that you send out into the universe from your voice box. The words we speak send out a vibration that tells the universe who we are and what we want. If you use the word 'busy' you in effect, telling the universe you have too much to deal with and you don't want any more. So if you don't like what you are doing and what is filling your time, use the word busy. It has a negative vibration that will tell the universe, "I am doing lots of things that are keeping me from what I really want to be doing." And the universe will help you take those things away. But, if you like what you are doing yet sometimes feel like it's a lot, say something more like, "My life is really full right now, and I love everything that I am doing... and I could use some playtime!" Then the universe will gift you with that playtime instead of taking away what you love. It's more words to say, but it's worth every syllable. What you need: 1. clarity on how you really love to spend your time 2. a willingness to be your own word police... listening for when you use the word 'busy' 3. a willingness to try different words and notice their impact on how you feel and what you create
Actions
Make the commitment. Say out loud, "I give up the word busy."
Go on word police alert. Notice when you use the word 'busy' to describe your current life state.
When you say 'busy' notice how you feel and the energy it creates ... does it make you feel good or does it close you down?
Experiment with other words. When someone asks you, "How's life?" Instead of saying "Busy." Say, "It's really full right now. I am loving what I am doing and I could use some playtime." Notice the difference in how that feels.
Keep experimenting.
After a week of experimenting, notice what you've learned. And take the vow again, "I give up the word busy." This time stick to it.
When was the last time you picked up a football and kicked it across the yard and yelled "Score!" ... or did a cartwheel, handstand or somersault in the grass ... or skipped down the street singing your favorite song... (without looking around to see if anyone was watching.)
How many years has it been since you put your hair in pigtails and left the house? Or pulled out your makeup case and experimented for fun pretending like you were a runway model? Or picked up Mr. Microphone and slid across the floor Risky Business style singing your favorite song? Or made fart noises with your armpit (okay well maybe you never did that but I always thought it was so funny)?
If you are like most of us 'adults' walking around in our busy lives, the answer is "It's been far too long!"
Somewhere between the age of 7 and 37 we get all bunched up and laden down with all kinds of rules, social norms and what I call 'robes of repression' that stop us from just letting ourselves totally go, with wild abandon, to experience the pure joy that comes from playing. Somehow we let seriousness and busy-ness take over the giggles. We let our to-dos take over our lives. And we start believing and living so many of the lies the love stealers told us growing up... "Don't be silly. You can't play until your work is done. Don't do that in public, what will people think?"
We take our little girl, tell her to behave, be good, be responsible and act like a lady, and in effect we rob ourselves of the pure love that comes from letting ourselves just play! So today I dare you to liberate your little girl, to set her free to play with total freedom, to express and laugh and play. Today I dare you to...
THE DARE: PURE PLAY Do Something You Haven't Done Since You Were A Little Girl
Close your eyes and remember being 5, 7, 11 when fun didn't involve credit cards. See yourself smiling, feeling great, just having fun. What are you doing? What are you feeling? If it felt good then, chances are it will feel good today, if you let yourself fully experience it. It might take you a little bit to get through the robes of repression to fully experience the joy, but I double dog dare you to do be your little girl again and do whatever it is that fills you up with pure joy, so much so that any of that adult worry, stress, or anxiety melts away, if even only for a short time. The more you keep letting play in, I promise the more that other gunk will stay away.
Just in case your memory is a little foggy due to those heavy robes of repression, here are some PURE PLAY ideas. Pick one, heck pick three or four, or do them all. Be crazy!
TWIRL. Twirl a baton or a baton like object. Make your own baton even.
SKIP. Skip down a busy sidewalk alone or with a friend. When you skip you have to smile, it just happens. In fact there is an entire skipping movement started by my friend and publicist Kim Corbin, check it out http://www.iskip.com
DRESS UP. Play dress up in your closet or a friends. Or go to a store and play. Mix and match stuff you never would. Try on stuff that you never would.
CLIMB. Climb a tree, a fence or even a rock wall, with no agenda and no judgment. Just for fun.
MAKE UP. Pretend you are a model with different looks from the runway. Crimp your hair like from the 80s. Make your face a painting. Go red lipstick and smoky eyes.
FLIP. Okay, maybe your backflip days are over, but do a cartwheel, handstand or somersault in the grass. After you do it, stop and notice how you feel (besides any body part that may slightly hurt).
HOPSCOTCH. Get some chalk and get ready for Sky Blue! Make a hopscotch and do it in public!
Miss MARY MAC. If you dig way down deep I bet you remember one of those slap your hands and sing things you used to do on the playground. Find a friend and have at it.
PIGTAILS & PINK. Guaranteed to bring out your little girl... put in some pigtails and put on some pink. And then go out the town, without a care for what anyone thinks.
COLOR. A instant soul soother. Head to the stores, get your coloring books and box of 48 and have a ball coloring inside and outside the lines.
It's crazy how often we spend way more effort and emotion than we need in order to reach our goals, organize our lives or 'do' all the things we have set out to do in a day, a week or a year. We 'work' at it vs. 'creating' it. We 'make it happen' vs. 'let it happen.' We force our will and our agendas vs. listening to and using the energy of the moment, letting the universe do the heavy lifting for us. It's like choosing to walk up a mountain with 200lbs on our back vs. taking the sky cap up, giving us the ability to enjoy the view when we arrive as well as all the way up. While you might build some great calves and quadriceps from the heavy lifting approach, living your life this way means missing out on lots of the beauty, views and magic because you'll be too darn tired from working and pushing to enjoy what you've created. Love Fact: When we force and push ourselves, our agendas and others, we work harder not because of some valiant ideal that hard work makes us a better person. We force because we are afraid to trust. We push because we believe that once we attain that status, material thing, accomplishment, task, whatever, we will be happy, successful and enough. The truth is that you are enough right now, that you have nothing to prove, and that if you can stop pushing, you will actually create and draw to you what really makes you happy. Stop working so darn hard at your life, and start loving yourself for who you are today and what you've already created.
What you need: 1. a commitment to find your personal push 2. a physical awareness of how you feel when you push and when you let it happen 3. a willingness to trust
How to Find Your Personal Push & Let it Go To succeed at this tip, you are going to amp up your awareness big time to the difference in how you feel when you are pushing vs. when you are working with the natural flow of things. We all have different types of pushes, but they all stem from a basic lack of belief that we are not enough right now or from a basic fear of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt.
Common personal pushes include:
The Do It All Myself: as long I am busting my butt I am okay.
The Grab For Whatever I Can Get: as long as I am busy I am okay.
I Can Do More! I Can Do More!: as long as I get acknowledgement I am okay.
Once I Get There I'll Be Good: as long as I keep working hard towards my goal, I am okay.
And a whole lot more. What's your Personal Push?
Actions
Make a commitment to find the Personal Push that's running your life right now.
Remind yourself each morning that you are on the look out for your Personal Push.
Throughout the day, as you find yourself feeling stressed, overwhelmed or pressured, notice how your body feels. If it feels tense, overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or really sluggish you are pushing. This is the first step of awareness.
Ask yourself the question, "What am I forcing? What am I trying to push?"
Listen to the answer. You have found your current Personal Push.
Ask yourself, "Why am I pushing this? What happens if I stop pushing?" What about that scares me, or makes me uncomfortable?"
Listen to the answer. You have found the fear behind the Push.
Release the fear using any one of these:
Give Yourself Love On the Spot. Tell yourself, "I am enough right now." Say it til you believe it.
Get Grateful. Make a list out loud of all that you have created already in your life and
Change the Negative to Positive. Say out loud the exact opposite of the fear. For example, if your fear is that if you don't do this one thing, you won't make the money you want, say out loud, "I have all that I need right now. I am totally taken care of." Say it til you feel it.
To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com
For the past 38 years I have suffered from something I have come to call the Achievement Junkie Syndrome. I say suffered purposefully because although I joke about this Syndrome by giving it a funny name, I know that what this syndrome has cost me is no laughing matter. There's nothing funny about being unhappy with what I have and who I am today, with having a sense of self-worth tied only to what I accomplish, and to having a constant battle with exhaustion and overwhelm due to my relentless drive to achieve that one last step on the ladder where I will finally be able to relax and declare I've made it.
After I left my corporate day job three years ago, making the decision to get off the treadmill up the corporate ladder to forge my own way in the world, I thought I had this junkie thing licked. Hah! Addictions die hard. In reality what happened was my need to achieve just got recalibrated, so instead of needing to make it to Vice President status, in my new role as an author, speaker, coach I just created a new expectation bar - to make it to Oprah status.
Three years later, sitting here today writing to you from Dallas Texas, on the heels of three TV interviews, a book appearance and more to come, I've come to a realization that I've had over and over again since embarking on this journey, but for some reason I think I just really got it. Let's call it an "ephinany on the heels of a bunch of ephinettes." You could say it feels like some large piece of wisdom just broke through and broke open a big piece of the Achievement Junkie in me, or maybe I finally was just ready to hear something the universe has been trying to get through for some time ☺
Here it is: I am tired of pushing.
I am tired of pushing so hard to be in the place that I want to be, the place that I see for myself in my head but that isn't the reality of where I am today. I'm tired of the effects of this pushing - exhaustion, working too much and forgetting to have fun, and feeling overwhelm to the point where my life feels like I am drinking out of a firehose, gulping for air between blasts.
So does that mean that I am tired of being an achiever? That I am just going to stop, throw my hands up the air and say forget it! Stop doing? Of course not! Being a person who achieves great things is something I really value about me. Being a person who needs to achieve those is like giving myself a death sentence. I love being an achiever, it's the junkie that I am letting go of again, but this time for good!
If any of this is resonating with you, maybe you have some achiever junkie in you too? If you'd be willing to join me, I have a suggestion that we take this Self-Love Dare together. We all came to this world to give all that we can, and we also came to this world to receive all that we can. Both! So my dare to myself and my dare to all you sister and brother AJs, is to take these three vows with yourself and for yourself:
THE DARE Stop Pushing. And Be Happy & Enough Today. Take these 3 Self-Love Vows
1. I stop pushing & I start receiving. Pushing is a totally ineffective and exhausting way to make things happen. The wise ones use their super powers to set powerful intentions, set the action into motion, and then wait to receive the good stuff, letting the universe do the hard work for us. A wise man once told me, "Spend your energy paddling to the stream that's already flowing, not trying to create your own stream." Another said, "Don't try and climb Mt. Everest by yourself, find others who have climbed it before you, ask for help and pray for good fortune." 2. I am happy today. There is no magic 'there', the place that we imagine that when we get there we will finally be happy. Stop saying, "When I move ... when I get this promotion... when I make this much money... when I get on Oprah... I will be happy." Making your happiness conditional on outside circumstances never makes you happy, and it makes you miss the moments of magic in your life.
3. I am enough right now. Even if you do nothing else that what you have already accomplished in this lifetime, you are enough. Your success is not measured in how much you do or do not accomplish, it will only be measured in the hearts and souls that you touch while on this earth. That can be accomplished only by being truly present and authentically yourself with other people - no title, bank statement or accolades required.
Take the Vows To take these vows one must literally say them out loud. Three times, it's the magic number! Even better stand up, look in the mirror and say them to yourself with conviction and with love in your heart for you! Self Love is a daring act, because it does require us to do some seemingly oddball things, that are only really oddball because they make us uncomfortable. And to quote my third wise man of the day, "Get comfortable being uncomfortable!" I'm heading off to the mirror right now - what are you waiting for??
To get more self-love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com
Love Dare #3: Make A ME-Love Map know your personal journey of self-love
TRUTH Did you know that you were born totally and 100% in love with yourself? That's right, love was oozing out of you, everywhere. You were walking, talking love. And you lived this way for some period of time - how long differs for all of us. But the thing that is the same for all of us unfortunately, is that at some point that love time ended. And it ended because a love stealer found you and put a crack in your self-love. That initial crack opened the space for more love stealers to come in and before you knew it, the spaces inside you that used to be pure love were full of gaping holes.
Love stealers come in all forms - parents, siblings, kids on the playground, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends - and unfortunately they attack every one of us. Which means that the love stealers who caused your wounds had wounds of their own caused by other love stealers - and it's those wounds that cause them to hurt us. It's a crazy love stealing circle!
The only way out of this circle is to go back and fill in all those holes with love, your love for you. Most of us don't figure this out until we are older - fortunately it's never too late to fill yourself back up with love.
DARE: Make A ME-Love Map. Take a trip back through your entire life and map out your real self-love journey.
To make a ME-Love Map take an adventure back throughout your entire life - from when you were the littlest person full of innocence and love... to the moments when the love stealers showed up... to the protection and armor you built in response... to the journeys you've taken to heal and fill up your wounds with love... to the person you are today. Journal that adventure - write it, draw it, paint it, do a combination of any of this just make sure you document it. And then go back and find your own personal revelations. What do you see?
ME LOVE MAP starter tips:
Set some time aside to take this journey. Bring supplies with you like pens, pencils, computers, paper, notebook. Make it only you time. Give yourself at least 1-2 hours.
The Beginning. Start with who you were as a little ME. Write or draw who you were, what you loved, what you saw. Tap into the magic that was you when you could still feel the innocence.
The Love Stealers. Start to let the love stealers back in, remembering the events that caused the holes to form. Actually draw these events as holes on your map.
Building the armor. How did those events make you feel - write down those emotions. What did you do in response to these love stealers and holes? Sketch out the armor that you built around yourself and your heart.
The Dark Ages. How long of a period did you spend between the time your armor was in tact and before you started letting real love in again?
The Awakening. When did you start to crack open the armor to let love it? What did you do to crack it open.
The Healing. What did you do to heal the holes? Pour love in?
Today. Where are you today?
Once you've finished your ME Love Map, ask yourself these questions? 1. What parts of you are you remembering to love again? 2. What parts of the little ME do I want to bring forward into the now ME? 3. What is the AHA for me here?
If you are ready to fall even more in love with YOU, then visit the #1 self-love site this side of the internet and get your free Madly in Love with ME Guide, full of zany, yet proven, Love Tips, Love Adventures and Love Inspirations. http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com
TRUTH Okay, let's face it ladies, we have all lied to ourselves at one time or another... to hang on to a relationship way longer than we should have... to avoid having to admit our weaknesses and failures and insecurities... to avoid being present with the truth of our reality so we wouldn't have to admit to our part in creating a mess or a stress out of our lives.
I'll admit it... I am a former Queen of Illusion. If there was a lie to be told about relationships and love, I told it to myself just so I could stay in a 15-year relationship 14 years too long. I have on ocassion, let myself feel like a victim to what was happening around me, and I have at times so wanted to make something the other person's fault, completely. But about 5 years ago I took a vow that changed my life ... that I would be 100% honest with myself always, uncompromising, unwavering self-honestly. I took that promise because I learned one really important LIFE TRUTH...
How honest we choose - and it is a choice - to be with ME affects everything in our lives
If we want the lives we say we really want... then we have no choice but to be honest - all the time.
What Stops Us from Being Honest... Why Do We Want to Lie To ME? What I learned was that it wasn't the truth that I was afraid of, it was the consequences to admitting or sharing that truth that scared the daylights out of me. I lied to myself about my relationship because if I was honest, that meant I would have to leave him. And the hard truth was, I was afraid to be alone. The woman from Oregon who said she never ever wanted to get married, told herself that lie, because she was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I listen to my clients tell themselves lies like "I'm not good enough to be a published author. I don't have this degree so I will never be successful."
Those are lies too! And we cannot afford to tell ourselves lies any longer! If you really want the life you say you do then you MUST get downright real with yourself about everything in your life! And that is my challenge to us all this week on our adventure to self-love.
DARE: Find at least one lie that you are telling yourself about who you are, about your life situation, or about your current life choices and CHANGE IT from a lie to the TRUTH!
Now since you are lying to yourself it might be hard to discover this lie, so be bold and ask someone who knows you really well, "In what ways do you think I am lying to myself - about me, about my relationships, my career, my finances, etc." Pick someone you trust and give them permission to be 100% honest with you, promising them that you won't get mad at them and that you really do want to know. When you have convinced them that it is safe (and if you aren't doing any promising here, you probably aren't going to get a very deep answer), shut up and listen. Take in what they say, don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, just listen. After they finish simply say "Thank You for being so honest." And then if you can share from your heart about how their insight is affecting what you see in yourself, share. Like "Wow, you know, I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, etc. because .... " If you can't share from your heart, just stick with the THANK YOU and mull over what they had to say on your own, using it to find your truth.
TRUTH: The first step in loving ME is knowing ME... and while it sounds crazy that it's possible to not know ourselves, most of us really don't.
Yes, most of us have some idea of who we are. We've taken a personality test at work... we've done some soul searching... we know our astrological sun sign... and we've been working long enough to know our strengths and 'weaknesses', but truly knowing ME beyond the image, the fears and the societal pressures takes more than that. It takes a conscious choice to actually say, "You know what, I am going to get off this crazy treadmill called life, where everyone is running around trying to get to the next job, house, etc. and I am going to find out what I really want from my life... and to do that I need to first understand who I really am!" And it takes help from people who can help you peel away of the layers of images, masks and yuck that aren't you.
I have worked with lots of women to help them find their REAL ME ... I've spent years finding my own REAL ME... and what I can tell you is that knowing ME happens on at least three levels, probably more. But let's start with two this week, and next week we will cover the third:
LEVEL ONE: Who are you NOT? The gremlins or the mean girl in your head.
Before we wake up and live on what I call 'self awareness mode' vs. autopilot, we are driven by our fears, defense patterns and belief systems -- all yucked up stuff that has nothing to do with who we really are, in fact they keep us from the REAL ME. They are the voices in your head that tell you that you can't, the defenses that push people and good situations away, and if you don't know what yours are, they will silently run your life. How do you find them? Check out the Dare #1 below to get started identifying and redeploying your Gremlin Crew.
LEVEL TWO: Who are you NOT? The baggage you were handed but that you don't have to keep carrying.
Obligations, shoulds, musts... all those hard, heavy bags that we pick up from society, relatives and the media. They tell us what we should do, who we should be, how we have to act and they are full of heavy emotions like guilt, self doubt, and overwhelm. But you know what? Yes, we've all been handed these bags along the path of our life, AND no one is making us continue to carry them. We choose to carry them and the are H-E-A-V-Y! So heavy, that they keep us from seeing the real me. Women have been carrying these bags for centuries, so it's no wonder we have things like guilt programmed into our DNA... but we can no longer afford to carry these heavy bags around. How do you start kicking them to the curb (or to the recylcing bin?) Read Dare #2 and get started!
DARES: take one, take two-- what do you have to lose?
Dare #1: Have a Face Off With Your Inner Mean Girl You know that voice in your head that loves to tell you what you did wrong, what you should have done or how you will never be good enough? Some call it the inner critic. I call her your inner mean girl, and as my friend and host of the Women's Master Series Amy Ahlers says, this girl loves to tell Big Fat Lies! My mean girl is named Mean Patty and she has red pigtails and freckles. What does your mean girl look like? What is her name? What are the lies she tells you? Write that all down. Draw a picture. And then have a Mean Girl Face Off. I want you to literally talk to her and tell her that she needs to knock it off! Give her a new job. Ask her to say the opposite of the mean big lie. And tell her to give you a break!
Dare #2: Give up Guilt. Guilt is a totally useless emotion
- as least as far as we use it as women to beat ourselves up. I dare
you to give up guilt... and to do it by stopping the obligations, the
shoulds and the could haves. Don't take the guilt from other people -
if they try to guilt you, name it and call them on it. If you find
yourself wallowing in the guilt, notice how it makes you feel and what
it is actually helping you accomplish. And then ask yourself in that
moment - what do i WANT to do right now? And then do it.
Have a great week getting to know YOU even better by getting rid of all the junk that's not you -
remember this self love stuff is a fun adventure you get to take, not
that you have to take. Enjoy loving you more and more every day!
