Happiness: May 2009 Archives

Okay, I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth... settling in our relationships is stupid, and after spending a week talking about it on the radio, coaching on it with clients, counseling it to friends thinking of leaving their husbands, and remembering the years I myself settled, I have to just say it out loud for everyone to hear, "Let's all get this one statement straight in our heads and hearts, Settling is a dumb choice, don't do it!"

And okay, I get that just because it's dumb, doesn't stop us from settling. I know that better than most because I did it for 15 years. And I'm not alone, we've all settled at some point in our relationship. If you say you haven't, please write me a note because I want to know who your parents were so I can send them a gold star!

So the why... as far as I can deduce from my own escapades as well as those of my friends and clients, here are two common reasons why we settle:

1. We are too afraid to leave the relationship and ask for more. Instead we brainwash and bargain with ourselves. I call it Love Poker, in which we keep dealing and playing, staying in the relationship and the game, hoping that we will win back our chips, that we will get whatever we feel we are missing. We are too afraid to fold and walk away from the table, to end the relationship, so instead, we convince ourselves of crazy thoughts like, "Well, he's not always so bad" and "Maybe I am the crazy one to want these things. Maybe I am being unreasonable." We brainwash ourselves! Sure if you are harping on your mate cuz he's not the perfect housekeeper or the biggest breadwinner, then yes, get over yourself. But if you aren't getting the partnership, unconditional love and respect your heart and soul crave, "You deserve to have it, Period! Stop settling."

2. We are on the escalator to death.  We are on a mission to get to that next life stage -- marriage, babies, big house -- no matter who we have to settle for to get there. Our focus becomes on attaining the 'thing' vs. actually stopping and asking ourselves why it's really not showing up in our lives, and being real about whether it's actually what we want, or if we've fallen prey to the brainwashing of society that until we have it, we won't be happy. I've been there myself. When I turned 30, it was time to get married. I demanded an engagement and a ring. I got it, only to be broken up with six months later. It would have been a heck of lot less painful if I had just been honest that I was trying to marry this guy for all the wrong reasons, including beating my friends to the altar. It's demented, but it's true, and I know I am not the only one.

Which is what compelled me to start a life long love affair with me so that I could stop settling in love by learning to love ME first. After I got that straight in my head, love from another literally showed up on my doorstep when I wasn't expecting it in the form of a 6 foot 3 inch bald guy named Noah. What did I 'do' to make that happen? What can you do to make sure you don't settle in love? People always ask me this question, and while there are many layers to this, it all starts with two ME-Vows you have to make to you.

Vow #1.  I promise not to settle for less than my heart and soul - not my pocketbook, fear, ego, or parents -- really desire. I honor and respect myself so deeply that I only have relationships that do the same.

Vow #2. I promise to be honest with myself, always. Uncompromising, unwavering honesty, about my motivations, my actions and my reality. When I can't be honest, I will seek out people who can help me find Truth, and listen.

Not settling is a promise and a practice. It's something that you have to commit to and choose whenever the option to waver comes up. Here's what I tell myself whenever it seems hard or confusing... Remember that you were given a great gift, your life. Do you want to live it fully and be so happy that joy is streaming out of your ears, or do you want to struggle and suffer because you were too afraid to go after what your heart and soul craved and desired? Choose to live. It's not that life is too short - it's that life is too magical, fabulous and precious!

If you want that great love and partnership, be willing to be that love and partner yourself first, and then accept nothing less from another.

To start your ME-love affair today, visit http://madlyinlovewithme.com for a FREE self-love starter kit.

 

All week long I have been talking with clients and friends and having fits of deja vu -- flashbacks of what it was like for me when I was in a relationship with a man that I SO wanted to love me... who on some occassions was able to give me the unconditional love I craved... but who on so many more days couldn't and wouldn't. In fact he would mostly do the opposite - yelling, fighting, ignoring me, telling me how F'd up I was. But yet I stayed for 15 years, waiting for the day when he would finally love ME, that he would finally be the loving partner more than the emotionally unavailable or verbally abusive mate he was 90% of the time.

After our relationship ended, which led me to loads of therapy and self-discovery, I came to realize this phenomenon as the 'BLIP EFFECT", which is when we let the small joys and moments of unconditional love make up for all the crappy times, loneliness, and struggle. It's  what kept me trapped in a relationship that wasn't much different in year 15 than it was in month six - dysfunctional and unhealthy. And it's what kept all the friends and clients I've talked with over the years trapped too.

So why do we stay in these relationships that don't give us the connection, intimacy and support we so crave? Why do we get amnesia and forget about all the 'bad' stuff as soon as Mr. Nice Guy shows up? Two reasons:

1. We get love mixed up with a reason to be in or stay in a relationship believing that  we only end relationships when we fall out of love. And that is just one big lie. The truth is that we don't fall out of love, we fall out of intimacy, trust and respect. Once you love someone you will always love that person. Unfortunately most of us push our relationships to the point of drama, deceit and devastation so we end up hating and hurting the person, thinking we don't love them anymore, when in fact the love is lurking right beneath the surface.
   
2. We are afraid to be 'alone.' We get 'alone' mixed up with 'being lonely' and the truth is that there is no place lonelier than being in  a relationship in which you don't get the unconditional love, support, trust, respect and intimacy you crave. It's way lonelier than being single. In fact when we do choose to end a relationship and go it alone, what we find, and what I found, was that there was a whole lot of love just waiting for me. I found that love inside myself, I received it from my friends and I got boatloads from the wonderful healers and spiritual communities that welcomed me in.So much more than I ever got from my ex-person.
   

There is a simple truth that we all need to embrace into our lives -- we have relationships because they make our lives and who we are better. If they don't make our lives better -- and I am not talking financially or materially here -- then there is NO need to have them. We are better off without them. That is self-love.