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Recently in Life choices Category
 
Self-Love Adventure:
learn more about you by traveling back through your life and remembering what FUN was for you at different times and ages. One thing that I have learned about fun is that it changes as we age and it also stays the same. Both are true. There are things that were fun for you when you were 7 that would still be fun if you gave yourself the permission to just let go and be your little girl again. And there are things that you thought were fun as a teenager and in your early twenties that would so not be fun today. And that information - about what fun used to be and about how your definition of fun has changed as you have are great ways to get to know the woman you are today even better. So many of us 'adults' have come to think of play as something we have to buy or save for when in fact if we just take a look back through time, we can find all kinds of ways to have fun that don't require a credit card or a down payment. And so many of us think back to the times when we were more 'free' and think they were full of such fun, but what we realize when we go back in time is that those things weren't really as fun as we thought. And that realization brings even more freedom!
So today I invite you to take a self-love adventure to learn more about your personal definition of fun by taking a trip back in time ... it's called Fun-Time Travel and this is how you do it:Step One: Create some space in your life to take a couple of hours for this journey. Pack the materials you'll need: a journal or some paper, writing or drawing utensils, and your memory. If it helps, bring some pictures of you from different ages.
Step Two: Take your materials to a place where you can just be with you. It can be a public place like a coffee shop, out in nature or a personal space in your home. Just make it somewhere you can really sink into this adventure. Step Three: Once you are all settled in, first on the top of one page write, "When I was 5 and 7, fun was..." Turn to the next page and write "When I was 13 and 15 fun was... " Turn to the next page and write "When I was 17 and 19 fun was", then "21 fun was..." and so on using whatever ages make sense for you, up to and including the age you are today. Step Four: Starting with your youngest age, answer the question, "When I was 5 and 7, fun was...." Imagine yourself at that age. See yourself as you were then. Remember what it was that you did that made you laugh, smile or just have a good time. Write in really great detail what fun was for you. Describe what you did. Write down how you felt. Notice what you think about that today. Repeat the same for each year that you wrote down. Step Five: Go back and look at all your wrote. What do you notice? Use these questions as a way to find the nuggets of wisdom that you can apply to your life today: • What surprises you? • What makes you happy? What makes you sad? • How has your idea of fun changed over the years? • What are common themes throughout the years? • What can you take from the past to bring more fun into your life today? • What do you need to let go over to bring more fun into your life today? Step Six: Pick three actions based on what you learned from your time travel that you can take immediately to start bringing more fun into your life. Write down what you will do and by when. And then tell someone what you've decided to do. Ask them to be your Play Partner and help you stay accountable to having fun and doing your three fun actions!
To get more self-love adventures, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com
TRUTH
Okay, let's face it ladies, we have all lied to ourselves at one time or another... to hang on to a relationship way longer than we should have... to avoid having to admit our weaknesses and failures and insecurities... to avoid being present with the truth of our reality so we wouldn't have to admit to our part in creating a mess or a stress out of our lives.
I'll admit it... I am a former Queen of Illusion. If there was a lie to be told about relationships and love, I told it to myself just so I could stay in a 15-year relationship 14 years too long. I have on ocassion, let myself feel like a victim to what was happening around me, and I have at times so wanted to make something the other person's fault, completely. But about 5 years ago I took a vow that changed my life ... that I would be 100% honest with myself always, uncompromising, unwavering self-honestly. I took that promise because I learned one really important LIFE TRUTH...
How honest we choose - and it is a choice - to be with ME
affects everything in our lives
If we want the lives we say we really want... then we have no choice but to be honest - all the time.
What Stops Us from Being Honest... Why Do We Want to Lie To ME?
What I learned was that it wasn't the truth that I was afraid of, it was the consequences to admitting or sharing that truth that scared the daylights out of me. I lied to myself about my relationship because if I was honest, that meant I would have to leave him. And the hard truth was, I was afraid to be alone. The woman from Oregon who said she never ever wanted to get married, told herself that lie, because she was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I listen to my clients tell themselves lies like "I'm not good enough to be a published author. I don't have this degree so I will never be successful."
Those are lies too! And we cannot afford to tell ourselves lies any longer! If you really want the life you say you do then you MUST get downright real with yourself about everything in your life! And that is my challenge to us all this week on our adventure to self-love.
DARE: Find at least one lie that you are telling yourself about who you are, about your life situation, or about your current life choices and CHANGE IT from a lie to the TRUTH!
Now since you are lying to yourself it might be hard to discover this lie, so be bold and ask someone who knows you really well, "In what ways do you think I am lying to myself - about me, about my relationships, my career, my finances, etc." Pick someone you trust and give them permission to be 100% honest with you, promising them that you won't get mad at them and that you really do want to know. When you have convinced them that it is safe (and if you aren't doing any promising here, you probably aren't going to get a very deep answer), shut up and listen. Take in what they say, don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, just listen. After they finish simply say "Thank You for being so honest." And then if you can share from your heart about how their insight is affecting what you see in yourself, share. Like "Wow, you know, I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, etc. because .... " If you can't share from your heart, just stick with the THANK YOU and mull over what they had to say on your own, using it to find your truth.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The low of course is the easy one to start with. My self-love low was without a doubt the two weeks I spent begging, pleading, bargaining with my ex-fiance to take me back, to love me again, to do anything but leave me. Never mind he'd been cheating on me for 6 months, or that he dumped me two hours before our engagement party, I wanted this man to love me. I wanted him to love me so much that I groveled and cried my heart out, believing my life to be over if he wasn't in it, if he didn't love me. At the time I was a marketing executive, an m.b.a. student at a top three school and a self-confident woman, but when it came this guy, I was convinced I was nothing without him. This was the lowest point of my life. The point that as an educated, smart woman, I would rather marry a man who didn't want me and who had been sleeping with other women, rather than be alone. What I realized after two weeks of feeling as if my heart had been torn out of my chest by a wild boar, was that the pain I felt wasn't because he wasn't there. It was because I wasn't there. The pain wasn't so intense because he didn't love me. It felt so bad and so deep because I didn't love me. Like myself a lot, yes. Self confidence present, yes. Self love anywhere in sight, no. That was the last time I let my self-love dip that deep. That was the last time I ever believed that I needed a man to complete me. Fast forward, three years, to the moment that I first really felt total unabashed self-love. I had moved to San Francisco by this point, a city I had always wanted to live in. I had completed two-years of intense therapy to heal my gaping wounds. And I had started on what I call my journey to be, love and live Christine without apology, and without holding back. This particular day I had booked a hotel room in the very romantic wine country at an inn just teeming with lovey dovey couples, and me. I arrived, by myself, I took sauna, by myself, and I visited the fireplace lit restaurant with a five-course meal, by myself. Surrounded by couples holding hands, I felt no twinges of loneliness, only utter joy and contentment at being with myself and at being able to taste such delicious food and wine without having to talk to a table mate. After dinner, I strolled back to my room, by myself, ordered dessert via room service and sat in my pillow feathered bed savoring each piece of delectable chocolate cake. I was in heaven... and in that moment, for the first time ever, I realized that I was in love with myself, completely. I realized that for 33 years I had been afraid to be alone, and in that moment I knew that I could never really be alone because I was always with myself. That was the night I fell in love with ME. Which is why it is my self-love high, because it was the first time, but the first time with me! Olive, age 13, says:
If I can speak for most people I will say that we have more lows than highs. I personally feel half and half. Some of the times when I have had highs are super cool. One of them is when I got a letter from Obama and it even had his signature! That just felt super cool because when I was writing him a letter everyone told me to write it in business form but I ignored them and used a hot pink card with blue birds, wrote in blue pen, and used a green envelope. I just thought to myself, who wants to open just one more white envelope? Because that's so exciting! Some other times are when people compliment me on my outfit. Whenever I wear something bright and colorful I always wonder what might be going through people's minds but when 10 people compliment me within 5 minutes, I know it's always best to just listen to my thoughts and trust ME. My lows occur sporadically. Most of the time it's when I'm in a big crowd with people my age and I don't know anyone. All of these other girls are with their friends laughing and I just feel so lonely. No one really realizes how much we need our friends but the truth is that they are what hold us up. My friends prevent me form having so many lows. The best friends you can have are the ones that will always be there for you. For some people friends boost their confidence, for example, look at me! I'm so liked I have 30 friends!!! I would say that people who have a lot of lows are most likely self-conscious but it could really be anything. Depression, sad feelings, etc. To have more highs I recommend thinking of things as glass half full. Just try not to be negative at all and you will truly have a better day! Christin, age 25, says:
 The lowest self love low happened for me when I was nine. Not that I was fully conscious of my lack of self love at the time. All I was conscious of was that I wanted to die. I can remember sitting with my legs over the balcony - staring at the pool deck below and wondering if any one would even notice. Wondering if death was so numbing that I would even notice? I felt useless and dirty and shamed. I felt bad and wrong and desperate. But most of all - I felt trapped. I was in the self-love dumper for many many reasons, but the most prevalent was because I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse that, one day in fifth grade math class, I unexpectedly remembered. And all of a sudden, like a supernatural sprinkling of filth all over my skin - I was worthless. My memory of this time is shaky, at best, so I can't say for sure how long I spent in this darkness. A week? An entire childhood? I do remember when I climbed out. I was at the kitchen counter with a knife poking into my rib cage - just waiting for the courage to push. And then it was as if an older version of myself tapped me on the shoulder, a benevolent angel whispering that this period in my life, this shadow, was temporary. And sometime in the future I would be free. I had already survived this long. I would survive to my independence. I made the choice that I would make it out alive. My highest of self love highs was so opposite to this feeling of loneliness. It is interesting to me to note the amazing contrast of internal liberation between these two stories. Not only did I make it out alive, I thrived beyond my wildest dreams of love, connection and spirit... I had enrolled in a leadership course in California which was challenging and opening on so many levels. After our first week I had a moment of such pure love for myself that I have yet to duplicate it. I don't know what it was about that morning - maybe it was the magic of the redwoods, or the calling of the crows, or the mists of Avalon opening for me. I looked in the mirror that morning and, for the first time in my life, without any inhibition or need for permission, I saw myself as incredibly divine and beautiful. I WAS beauty. I was the essence of life. And Life was Good. All my life I had searched for a sign that I was not alone - a touch from the hand of god. But that morning I felt complete within myself - I knew I was loved because I loved myself. I knew I was beautiful because I found myself to be so. I felt so deeply the connection to all the IS - the oneness of all things - and I believed in the goodness and sacredness of my Self.
Katie, age 34, says:
Since at least junior high, I've engaged in a self-love ritual. Whenever I've felt hopeless about the outside world or the one within me, I've waited for night to fall and retreated into my core self. The ritual is: I sink into a soft, supportive surface - these days, it's my plush, beige living room sofa - with candles lit all around the dark spaces, and soulful music lulling me into peace. And then, I cry. I release my grief, anxiety, shame, anger, and guilt. As I listen to the heart-opening lyrics of whatever song plays, my tears create space for joy and love to come. I call these moments my "scheduled crying jags." Even the heaving sobs are miraculous to me, because I'm euphoric when I allow them to happen, and I always heal. Knowing I can return to this sacred space at any time, I emerge feeling safe in the world again, and then I wonder why I always make the jags wait for my night to fall. Once, one of my crying jags was scheduled for me. I was in a spiritual service, feeling shaken with awareness: two days before, I'd learned not only that the man I had loved for three years did not feel the same, but also, that he never had, even though we'd been in an intimate relationship throughout that time. As the choir sang about love, my torso threw itself over my thighs, and I sat hunched over myself, having a wailing cry that I might have put on my calendar. Except it came out unexpectedly and uncontrollably, like a screaming toddler in a grocery store, holding his mother hostage because he knows everyone is watching. This cry was going to come right there, whether I liked it or not. I did like it. Not at first, but after I saw how hopeful those around me were, that they could care for me or say the right thing, or just sit with me in my pain. I'd arrived at that place by smiling for three years, when I could have cried a lot, letting my pain out in segments. Getting clear with each crying jag about what I wanted, who I really could be without this guy. So when people learn about my scheduled crying jags and ask, "Isn't that depressing?" ... I smile. Not because I'm masking something, but because I'm feeling the self-love. Janet, age 52, says:  Wow! Self-Love...the honest truth is that for the majority of my life the word Self was always followed with those wicked three letters ish - Selfish. I grew up in a time when being a female meant you put everyone else first and yourSelf last or you were considered selfish. Growing up I was always told what I couldn't or shouldn't do rather than what I could do/be. Go figure that it took over 40 years for me to self-define and figure out what Loving mySelf was/is really about?!? Today Loving mySelf is quite simple...whatever brings me Joy and makes me truly Happy is Loving mySelf! Walking my dogs on the beach every morning ...collecting sand dollars and heart-shaped rocks ~ makes my heart sing! Getting a manicure and pedicure makes me feel pampered and cared for...taking a bath in ancient essential oils in candle light makes me feel divinely feminine ...being okay with saying "No" to someone or something...or conversely, daring to say "Yes" to something that I really deserve and desire ~ such as going to Africa, Europe, going scuba diving in some far off exotic location or buying new lingerie... Doing and Being exactly Who I Am...rather than what others expect of me...not needing approval... No excuses...explanations or apologies! The first half of my Life was filled with self doubt and guilt! There would be stolen moments and temporary insanity when I would run off and do something crazy like go on a shopping spree, or steal away for a long weekend for a romantic interlude. But by golly the guilt and self-recrimination was more than I could stand! How could I possibly do something so self-centered as to buy a bunch of new clothes? And how could you possibly just run off with some guy for a long weekend and forget about your responsibilities (not to mention that nice girls don't do things like that!)?!? These were all the voices in my head...the tape that constantly ran. Everything tinged with Guilt and Remorse ...the voice and prattle were always the same...you don't deserve to be happy or be fully alive. I Am a better person for having persevered and transformed these dark times into Jewels of Wisdom...the guilt has been replaced with Grace...remorse replaced with the Real-I-zation that I Am Beautiful Being In & Out!!
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
As I read the blogs and think of my own life, I know that doing what you want for the holidays regardless of the expectations people throw at you are is easy, and hard, as two things: Truth and Love. TRUTH. Every one of us owes it to ourselves to be honest about what we really want and need during the holidays. For me, it's different every year. This year it's space, my home, joy and good food. I'll spend my holidays nestled into home with my partner, my dog and the Christmas music and white lights that make my heart all warm and fuzzy. I always ask myself, "What do I need and want this holiday? And what will give me what I want?" I think all women should ask those same questions, and then commit to doing what they want - before telling their friends and family. You've got to be super resolved inside yourself to claim what you want or else you'll crumble at the first sign of resistance. Let's face it, it's one thing to say what you want; it's another to follow through. I know that when I am clear on my intentions and committed to doing what makes me happy, I end up in situations in which I feel great. Whatever your holiday wish is this year, find it, and give it to yourself. LOVE. First, we've got to love ourselves enough to believe we deserve what we want - time by ourselves, intimate conversations, a trip to the snow, staying home, etc. Then, when we step forward and express our plans or desires, we've got to do it from the place of love instead of from the place of being the dutiful daughter, the good girl, the victim or the raving righteous madwoman. I stopped flying back to the Midwest for holiday gatherings the year after I moved to California. I didn't make some grand statement that pronounced, "I will not be returning for the holidays whether you like it or not, so deal with it" and I didn't get all wimpy by apologizing for not showing up. After getting really clear that I loved being in California for the holidays (aka LOVE for ME first), I shared why I was staying in California to the relatives that asked. Some got it, some didn't. But I spoke from my heart with all of them, and that left me guilt-free, full of joy and ready to enjoy my holiday, my way. Step forward this year with love in your heart, truth in your soul and spend your holidays, your way... whatever that looks like for you.
Olive, age 13, says:
One thing I hate about the holidays is having to pretend that I believe in Santa. I don't! He's not real! I always have to have presents from Santa for my cousins and siblings so that they think Santa is real. I hate having to play a part in all of this. Last Christmas, my step-mom put chocolate covered raisins on the floor saying the reindeer pooped in our house. Sure, IT'S HILARIOUS! But having to go along with all of it just bugs me. I have to say, "Oh my gosh! They pooped in our house!" And then of course my dad and step-mom eat the cookies and carrots so even though I play along with this lie, I don't even get to eat the cookies! Also, since "it would drive my little sister crazy" I don't get to have an advent calendar! Or if my little sister has one I'm not allowed to have one because then she will want to have mine. How about just tell her that she can't have mine and she'll have to deal with it?! I really don't know how my Jewish cousins do it either. Them going to school and singing songs about Santa when they know that Santa isn't real and they have to lie to everybody? It would drive me nuts! I deal with it because I love my family and if that's what I need to do to make them happy then so be it. They do so much for me and I really just love the holidays, snow, and presents so it's hard to complain. I just hope that when my cousins and sister are older they won't ask me why I lied to them. Happy Holidays Everybody!
Christin, age 25, says:
This is a tough question because guilt is a very dear friend of mine. ☺ The concept of detachment is one that has helped me tremendously. Not a heartless sentiment but the divine detachment that comes with tremendous compassion and presence. One very valuable trick I learned came from a fabulous book called "When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People" - when a relative or a friend engages in outrageous behavior that is embarrassing and would usually result in feelings of guilt; the trick is to step back in your mind observing the situation like a complete stranger and calmly say to yourself, "Hmm. I wonder whose relative that is." Removing the reactive emotions from the situation keeps me guilt free, still part of the social event and my personal power intact. Plus, it makes me giggle inside. This question reminds myself that the other person's behavior is neither my fault nor is it my problem. The other thing I do is take stock of the situation with my "realistic goggles" on. If I know that after four hours of drinking, Brother Timmy says hurtful things he doesn't mean, or that at 8:00 o'clock Aunty Mildred shows up and judges my lifestyle choices, or after two hours my friend from college gets over- the-top bossy - I prepare myself for the situation by accepting it with detachment or arranging my schedule to exit the situation before the inevitable happens. It is usually perfectly acceptable as long as I am upfront about my expectations and time frame with other members of the social gathering.
Anne, age 41, says:
I remember one year I didn't want to go home for Thanksgiving, I wanted some type of adventure. I ended up going to London with my friend and I had a great time... and I got the guilt from my family. Major guilt. I had that Norman Rockwell family complete with the value system of family first no matter what. It was really hard to say, I won't be home. But something inside of me really wanted to create an independent experience that year. So I summoned up the courage, told my mom, and she took it very passive aggressively, but ultimately understood. Thanksgiving night I ate fish and chips and felt a little homesick but still had a great time. So I think that you can't control how others will respond to your decisions about things, especially when it comes to everyone's expectations around family and holidays. What I do think is that you have to make decisions about how you want to spend your time and then be aware of how your decision will affect others. And then be prepared for the consequences. The trick is to be true to yourself while honoring those around you.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Today I live my holidays my way. I decide what they mean to me, who I want to spend them with, and I never do anything out of obligation. I make my choices from my heart and from what really brings me joy. But it wasn't always that way. I used to be a holiday nut. When I was in my 20's, I was that crazy Christmas chick with 12 boxes of ornaments, an 8 foot tree and enough lights to make the Griswold's jealous. I baked cookies, I sent holiday cards, I listened to Christmas music 24/7 and I had a gift list longer than Santa's. While part of this obsession was truly because of my love of the holiday spirit (It's a Wonderful Life is still one of my favorite movies), the real underlying driver was my unhappiness during the rest of the year. November and December became the months when I could forget how unhappy I was in my relationship, in my mini-mcmansion, in a life that didn't always feel so Wonderful. The holidays were like a magical wand that just whisked my memory of the unhappiness away, and for 6 weeks I was living in the jolliest of Winter Wonderlands. Thankfully, like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, I got a second chance when my old unhappy life ended at the age 30. While I didn't get my wake up call from an angel named Clarence, I did realize that I didn't need all this Christmas ornamentation and hoopla to be happy. I got real about the fact that my over-drive of Christmas activities had been a way to make up for my unhappiness the other 10 months. Deep inside, the reason I had loved the holidays so much was that it gave me the opportunity to express all the love and happiness that I couldn't the rest of the year... like it had been stored up for months just waiting to be released. Over the last seven years, I shed all but 1 box of Christmas ornaments, I now keep my white lights up all year long, and I express my love and joy all year-long. I create my own Holiday rituals and gatherings based on what the holidays mean to me. This year I flew to Chicago in early December to give and receive the gift of spending time with two little girls I love to pieces... I bought a jingle bell bracelet that makes me smile... I will celebrate Winter Solstice on Dec 21st in the mountains reflecting on the year past and creating the year to be... I will spend December 25th with my soul partner and my dog remembering all that I am grateful for (and drinking fabulous wine and eating delicious food)... and I will give only those gifts that I feel inspired to give. I don't make any excuses or apologies to anyone for not being or doing what I "should." I express my choices with the holiday spirit and from a place of love, and let them do with that what they may. My holiday wish for all of us is to be and act from the truest place within ourselves, where we express the holiday spirit of love, laughter and connection while doing what brings us joy.
Olive, age 13, says:
I love the holidays. There's really not that much I would change. I do hate how people will be walking around with Santa hats on. It's not that I mind the silliness of it but are the holidays about Christmas? Absolutely...NOT! I celebrate Christmas even though I am not religious but there are so many holidays that when I see Santa it makes me realize how the US is Christian. You can even take prop. 8 as an example. Church and state don't mix. There different. Same thing here. "Well most people are Christian so let's just paint Santa all over the place." Maybe paint eight candles instead for a change. My other issue with Santa is crazy adults. Sure, I loved believing in Santa when I was growing up but this is what bothers me. "What do you want from santa this year Olive?", says some crazy person. "Um...well Santa's not real but I want-" "WHAT!?!?!?! Of course Santa is real! He always brings me presents!" "Uh, I'm 13 and I found out that Santa wasn't real when I was 8" "AWWWWW BOO-HOO! You're hurting my feelings! Santa's real!" "Well he's not real and...well...yeah I gotta go ask my mom something.. uhh yeah" I swear this happens EVERY holiday season. I don't like to be that annoying teenager who rolls her eyes at people but come on! It's ridiculous. I should not have to take that kind of harassment. I could see if maybe I was 5 but 13? I may think poo is hilarious but in this case I definitely am having to say GROW UP. I think it's funny how my parents will still label things from Santa but that's just for my little sister because she really does think that everyone gets presents from Santa. She even thinks that Santa's reindeer poo in our house judging by her reaction to my step-mom putting chocolate covered raisins on the floor. Now that was funny. I encourage everyone to embrace the holidays with welcome arms, but please, don't insist that Santa gives me my presents. If he did I would have everything ever made by Vivienne Westwood, Betsey Johnson, and Marc Jacobs. So chillax.
Christin, age 25, says:
This particular holiday go round I feel like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch when she sings, "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? ...." I feel like the whole she-bang is one big fat 'supposed to'. I mean really; parties, gift exchanges, family dinners, decorating, cleaning, fancy work get together's, presents, wrapping, baking - Even reading the list is exhausting! Why do we do this to ourselves? What is the point? One of my favorite Christmases was the year I got snowed in with my boyfriend. We woke up with no presents, warm cups of coffee and fresh snow. I remember the magic of the morning being with someone I loved so deeply and the feeling that the world was fresh and anew and special just for us. All the other rubbish - sure I missed it a little. Okay, I missed it a lot - but it was a nice change to keep it so simple. What I want this year is to remember that the resonance of the season is uncomplicated; Love, Family, Friendship, Laughter. I want us, especially as women, to hold those as priorities. To keep those as the Why's and let the What's fall into place on thier own. And when we don't show up to the proverbial Holiday Soirees held by our local Seasonal Sandy's (whom you know deep down, we don't really like anyway) - I think we might just enjoy that egg nog, take more than one pleasurable sigh, and smile.
Anne, age 41, says:
I have to say that I usually do exactly what I want for the holidays. This wasn't always the case. There was a time I definitely tried to recreate my mother's version of Christmas, complete with pie crusts made from scratch, perfect Christmas cards, and tons of cookies and gifts for everybody I knew. Now I try to keep all that to a minimum. I think the pressure to make everything all Martha Stewart comes from the frenzied need to feel like we have all of this community and attention around us. Also, the pace seems to completely speed up this time of year and I am sure that adds to it. Let's face it, the stores are playing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving complete with messaging that instructs us to show how much we care by going into credit card debt to buy more than we can afford. But the thing for me is I found the more I tried to do all that stuff, the less fun I would have and Christmas became about achievement, not Fa La La. So I have a tree, I send some cards, buy a few gifts and really try to enjoy myself without guilt. And for those people I didn't reconnect with via phone, email or cards, I will when the time is right. I think it makes it about calming down and simplicity and really enjoying my friends, kids and family. This year, my sister and I only giving each other's children one book, which is great, because I really hate the Disney store.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The thing that struck me most about the topic and blogs this month was the idea of respect. We all want it, but we don't always give it. Relationships that work have it, ones without it don't... and that goes for friends as well as lovers and family members. We can have different opinions from our friends if there is respect on both sides, it's what allows us to say, "I respect that you have an opinion, I am willing to hear what that is, and I don't have to agree with you." In fact, if we have a safe place to disagree we can really stretch ourselves to get curious, see other points of view and grow as women.
But like most things, this is easier said than done. I am a passionate person and when my friends and I disagree it hasn't always been pretty, especially when it involves social and political issues. Some topics are really hard, especially when you are at polar ends of the earth. What usually happens in those friendships is that we avoid those topics or only engage in them occasionally.
Most of us stay away from uncomfortable discussions, or we limit our close friendships to people who think like us. But avoidance is not the answer. While most of us wouldn't be super excited about walking into a room full of people who staunchly oppose our opinions, we can all challenge ourselves to use our friendships as a safe place to share our opinions, even when they differ. The important thing is that we hold R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we stop ourselves from trying to convert the other, and we listen. We may not agree, and that's okay, as long as we have respect and heart with our friend.
Olive, age 13, says:
Whether or not it is possible to be friends with someone that is totally different than you really depends on what kind of friend they are to you. Are they a best friend or just a buddy?
If they are just a buddy then it should be okay. You might still have trouble though if you don't even have fun together. When you hang out together you have to have something to talk about without always disagreeing otherwise your time together will just be miserable. If you do have fun together though it is just best to enjoy each others opinions and just be open.
If they are your best friend then you have some trouble. Most people like to be right and prove their point so if you are constantly talking to them and hanging out with them you will just argue all of the time. Arguing is okay but when you do it all of the time it just means that you have an unhealthy relationship.
When you go out shopping with your friends you want to be able to find something that is cute and have them agree with you. That's just the type of person that most people want to be around. If you have friend and all you can think about them is bad thoughts, that's a good sign that maybe it's time to talk or it's time to let go and find a new friend.
Anne, age 41, says: It's funny. I have become very good friends with someone whose religious beliefs, on the surface, are quite different from my mine. However, I really value her friendship. We never discuss the specifics of her worldview or mine, but rather have worked out a way to have really meaningful conversations about ethics, life, death, raising children, etc. and we do not always agree. On the other hand, I have had a friendship fade, even though we were raised relatively the same way and had mostly the same general beliefs. I think why the first relationship works and latter one didn't isn't what we disagreed about, it was what we really thought and felt about each other on a personal level that made it impossible for us to have a safe place to have disagreement and ultimately a friendship.
So maybe at the end of the day it is a yes and no answer. I find you can have significant differences of opinions about almost anything as long as you have mutual respect and honesty. So another question is when you do disagree with someone and it gets you really angry or upset, why do you want them to see the world the way you do? What are you trying to convince them or yourself of?
Linda, age 60, says:  This question really brings up another: How do we define friendship? And one's answer to that question provides a clue to the first.
When I choose to move an acquaintance into my circle of friends, it's because we are of a like mind. We share similar values, enjoy similar activities, and view the world in a similar fashion. Granted, our political or spiritual views may differ somewhat but the essence of who we are as people is very much the same.
Opinions are what they are, and everyone can give one on just about any topic. They really don't define an individual; they only present us with information about what that person thinks. The problem with opinions is when someone insists on being "right." And these are the people who are difficult for me to be friends with.
Why?
In my experience, people who define opinions as right or wrong make judgments about others on a somewhat superficial level. What someone thinks becomes more important than who someone is. And, in that process, I feel very judged not by who I am but by what I say. It's very difficult for me to engage in friendship with someone who lacks the openness to accept my views or choices as the results of my own life experience.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
What's fascinating to me about this question is that no matter our age, big life choices happen and although when we are younger they are out of our control (our parents are making them for us), I think in many ways even as we get older they are still out of our control (our subconscious fears and limiting beliefs are making them for us.) Once we hit 18, while we may have the opportunity to say "yes" or "no" to any specific choice - marriage, kids, school, jobs - we only know what we know at the time. Think about it. All of us have made decisions where we look back later and say, "If I only knew then, what I know now."
Of course, as we grow, we learn and we make better decisions, hopefully ones that better reflect our true selves. But, what I wonder is, what would happen if older women and younger women actually talked more, shared more of their experiences and fears. Could we then alleviate some of the painful mishaps we fall into? That curiosity is actually what caused me to start this blog in the first place.
No one me that I was making a big mistake when I decided to marry my ex-person, the guy that dumped me two hours before our engagement party. But then again, I am not sure I would have listened. I was too caught in my fear of being alone. I was not self-aware enough to admit that he and I were a disaster in the making. It was only after he dropped the bomb that I went to an older woman for some sage advice. She said "Honey, you can chase him around for years, or you can leave and your life will open up into possibilities you can't imagine." On that advice, I left and she was right. My life did change so much for the better. Now, would I have listened before the bomb of the breakup? Maybe, maybe not. But what I know today is that if I had been really honest with myself, I would have saved myself a lot of pain.
So my commitment to ME today is: in all life choices, I trust and listen to what my inner voice a.k.a. my intuition has to say. And when a wise woman has something to say, even if I don't like it, I challenge myself to get real.
Olive, age 13, says:
Since I am only 13 I haven't made any of my life choices, my parents have.
My parents have always been very supportive of my wants but they have also controlled the way my life has turned out by their life choices. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be life if my parents had never gotten divorced. Would my life be better than it is now? I definitely think that my life would be different but if my parents had never gotten divorced they would always be fighting and I have a strong feeling that I would want them to get divorced. They are so much happier now and that honestly makes me happier.
In some ways I feel like I have no control whatsoever over my life but at the same time I feel as free as a bird. That is another good thing about how my parents raised me. Whenever I hear girls say how much they hate their parents I really can't blame them. It's like their parents are keeping them locked up in a jail cell and at the same time they don't seem to trust their kids at all. Sometimes I like to go off into the city and just walk around and when I invite a friend to go with me their parents almost always say no.
You need to let your child be independent! Let them experience life and then when they go off to college they won't be scared to death. Of course you should always give your child boundaries but let them have a little bit of freedom otherwise they will just rebel. Trust me.
Jen, age 39, says:  Divorce was a decision that altered my paradigm in a way I could never have imagined. For that reason, I wouldn't ever change that choice. I've learned so much about myself because of it and the extent of my personal strength became evident as a result. But if I could change anything about it, I would change how I handled the process.
If you had asked me then what compelled me to agree to marry a man within weeks of meeting him, I would not have been able to articulate it. It was driven by something other than friendship, partnership and respect. I was determined to make it work even though almost immediately afterwards, I knew I had made a mistake. I simply refused to acknowledge it. I wanted to stick by my word, choosing to believe all the while that the intense fighting between us was just growing pains of the first few years together. As time went on, I lost connection with my family and some of my friends, partially by choice to protect my false sense of security.
Towards the end, I caved in under the weight of my inability to be real with myself, my partner and others in my life. Rather than opting to end it with dignity and respect, it ended as it began: a whirlwind of immediate action. One night, the words "I don't love you anymore and don't know that I will ever get that back" burst out of my core. Pure emotional vomit. My truth had emerged and the next day, he was gone. Over the weeks that followed, he tried many, many times to get a hold of me, to talk to me, often crying and distraught. Sometimes I'd respond and attempt to explain, but even I was scared of the birth of my truth. I ended up completely shutting him out. I intuitively chose to make room for truth in my life over facing the damage I had done to both of us by ignoring it. On one hand, I felt like a coward but on the other, I saw no other way to move on at that time in my life.
To this day, he doesn't understand why we fell apart and I've been living with that guilt ever since. But year after year, my heart has freed itself more to fully embrace the gifts I have now as a result: renewed dignity, ability to own my truth, a stronger bond with family and friends and a sense of inner peace.
Linda, age 60, says: I would have listened to my own voice more carefully when I was a young adult and followed my adventurous spirit. I gave into my family's pressure and let go of my dream of studying archaeology and discovering buried tombs in Egypt. I believed their statements of "it's not a girl's job" and "you're just going to end up getting married and having babies." And, because my voice was never my own in my adolescent years, I made them right and myself wrong. I left the university after one semester and followed the path of marriage and children.
While I have no regrets, I do wish that I had known myself better, been more determined, and understood more about my needs and how to follow my heart's desire. Marriage and babies could have still been part of my path but perhaps at a more distant time after I had achieved my goals.
That magic wand would have my name in archaeological journals, and the sand between my toes would have come from a far more distant place than the Pacific Ocean.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37:
I
think Olive says it best... our choices affect the people in our lives.
And like Jen says... if we aren't honest about the ramifications of
making those choices, we can, and often do, lose really great friends
along the way. I've been through babies, marriages, divorces, and more
with my friends, and every one of those choices has affected our
relationships. Some of those friendships have ended ... like my
girlfriend who after having baby could only schedule time to talk twice
a week during a two-hour time slot in which I was at work. We went from
being the best of friends to no communication in over 3 years. I don't
even know where she lives today.
So what keeps friendships thriving when life choices create change? It
seems that no matter what age three things are true. One, we actually
think about how our choice affects our relationship. Two, we continue
to make time for our friendship, even though "time" may look totally
different. And three, as Linda's experience tells us, we are honest -
with ourselves and with our friends - even when, especially when it's
hard. We talk, we share and we connect from our hearts about what is
real, and then we remember that we decided to be friends for a reason -
to have companionship on this crazy, wild ride of being a woman. Olive, age 13, says:
Life choices are life changing. They are some of the toughest decisions that one will ever make. One very hard thing about making life choices is that the people in your life will be affected by them.
Being 13, the life choices of my parents have had the biggest affect on me. One big way was the life choice of my dad and step- mom to have a baby. Of course with a little sister I donʼt get to be the one getting the attention anymore ... but now I donʼt know how I could live without her. I always used to worry that some day I would become depressed and rebel because I wouldnʼt get enough attention but I had nothing to worry about.
From this experience I learned to be my own best friend. I still getplenty of attention but if I feel lonely I always know how to make myselflaugh. Another thing that helps is that I have one-on-one time with my parents. It makes it so that if I have something to talk about or if I just want to have fun we get some nice quality time to do it. Whether we go to a concert, get dinner, or go shopping itʼs all time to bond with each other.
Just always remember that when you get something you have to sometimes have to give something up, but it doesnʼt mean that life is over.
Jen, age 39, says:
I am guilty of making life choices that have jeopardized friendships. I believe we don't get many honest chances to redeem ourselves afterwards, but I recently had that opportunity with an old friend , "C", and gained new insight about myself as a result.
I was friends with C in my mid-twenties. We lived in the same neighborhood and often met out for drinks, dinner or dancing. Her carefree attitude and free-spirited nature often brought me out of my shell and we eventually became close confidants. At the time, I was involved in an emotionally volatile relationship with "M." Though we were on and off for many years, I thought M and I belonged together and was driven to make that happen at any cost. Though I suspected C didn't care much for M, she never questioned why I pursued a relationship with him. Instead, her friendship was a solid source of support during the off times. M, however, made it known many times that he did not like C, so when he and I decided to try our relationship again, I knew that I would have to make a difficult choice. I felt pressure to abandon my friendship with C in order to have a successful serious commitment with M. Afraid to let go of M, I pulled away from my friendship with C. But, as it turns out, after getting engaged to M, I finally realized we were not right for each other and we split up for good.
I've always regretted the decision to choose male companionship over a friendship. Rather than beat myself up for it, I recognize that I made that choice based on the information available to me at the time. I didn't understand this then but reflecting on it now, the piece missing in my decision making process was connection to my truth - who I was as a person, what I wanted and the kind of life I deserved. In the absence of that knowledge, my choice was misguided. I used my head, instead of following my heart - a theme I have seen repeated over and over as it relates to my life choices.
Time has since revealed my truth and has given me access to my heart as well. From that place I have been able to see things for what they truly are, instead of how I want them to be. I am fortunate to have recently reconnected with my friend, C, who is open to experiencing me through my truth and forgives me for my past choices.
Linda, age 60, says:
So many situations come to mind with this question. It brings up thoughts about friends who have relocated, made choices to adopt a different lifestyle, chosen to marry men that would make the friendship barely manageable ... the list goes on and on. And my reaction was always mixed. With some, I was thrilled because I knew I wanted the best for my friend and that their decision would not impact the quality of our friendship. With others, I intuitively knew that things were about to change because the glue that held us together was starting to wear thin.
And there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head that cried out, "But what about me??" I always felt left behind. And I definitely did not like the way I was feeling because I knew that my life was going to change as well, if for no other reason than the absence of my friend. Or the fact that someone or something was taking them away.
There was one occasion, however, that stands out in my mind as the most frightening test of a friend's choice. My dearest friend on the planet had chosen to have an affair with a man and was continually sharing their escapades with me. I was so incredibly conflicted because I adored her husband and her family. As her only confidante, I couldn't bear the thought that I was holding her secret yet acting as if everything was normal in her husband's presence. I felt like I was deceiving him as well. I knew I had to confront her and tell her that I could no longer be the personal counselor to her clandestine life choice and yet I inherently knew that I was putting our friendship at risk. The most amazing thing happened: my confrontation became a reality check for her and she left the other man behind.
As years went on, it was this one risk that became the turning point in our friendship. We became closer than ever before and we have sworn to take our secrets to the grave! My greatest fear was that she would walk away... choose him over me... and I would lose the greatest friendship I've ever known. This experience became a role model for me in learning how to trust in the value of true friends.
Olive, Age 13, says: The whole concept of breaking up with friends at my age is a little unrealistic. Yes I have been broken up with but it was more just hints. They gave them, I read them, I found new friends. One experience I had is I tried to break up with a friend that just kept letting me down. Eventually she was making me laugh again and I was remembering all of those fun memories we had together and I just decided we could still be friends but we wouldn't be quite as close as we once were. A problem with telling a girl that you don't want to be their friend any more is that they usually just try to be your friend even more. They change themselves, become clingy, etc. and then you just don't want to be their friend even more. This is what leads to hints. For the most part, hints just don't work because most girls just can't read them. What does work? Growing apart. For girls my age breaking up with a friend usually has to do with change so what ends up happening is you hang out less and less and you simply grow apart. So I wonder, can you really break up with a friend and can you really stay best friends as you go through change?
Christine, age 37, says: I have had women in my life who I thought we were soul sisters, the kind that are forever friends, only to realize that even 'soul sisters' break up. During our friendship if you had told me there would be a 'break up' I would have said, "You're crazy. No way!" These are the women who help put me back together when my entire life fell apart at the age of 30... they are the women I helped put back together during their divorces, miscarriages and career disasters... they are the women who I had walk beside me when I got married... and they are women who I consider my family. I have "lost" at least three of these 'soul sisters' in the past five years. Each time one left my life, it felt (and hurt) like a breakup with a guy. The same questions played over and over in my head... "Why can't we talk about this and make things right?" "Why doesn't she want to be friends anymore?" "Does this mean that we weren't really soul sisters?" Sometimes I got mad and conjured up thoughts like "Screw her! If she can't be real with me, I don't want to be friends with her." But when I was real about my own feelings... when I let myself drift into a memory or look at a photo of us, I was really just plain old S-A-D. I missed them. Honestly, I still miss them. But what's a girl to do? You can only reach out so many times until you realize, "Hey, maybe this relationship has run its course. I have to let go or I am going to make myself miserable." Here's what I wish. I am not naïve enough to think that all friendships should last forever. But I do think that some of the ones we lose could stay if we were willing to be more honest with each other. I do have soul sisters who I have been friends with for over 10 years, and I know that we will be friends for a very long time. Why? Because we are real with each other. When it gets hard, when a feeling gets hurt or an expectation or need isn't being met, we go deeper with each other. We stay. We don't disappear, avoid phone calls, or send that "it's been nice to know you hallmark like" email. We meet each other as sisters, as friends and as two women who really realize how precious our relationship is. And to be honest, that is what my expectation is for a forever friend. That is my truth. And to be doubly honest, I am still working on the reality that not all 'soul sisters' will be forever friends. That is my heart. Linda, age 60, says: As it is in all relationships, being a forever-friend requires almost as much commitment as a marriage. I have three girlfriends who have been part of my life for over 40 years. When I think about the element that is different in these relationships compared to others who have come and gone in my life, it always comes back to love. As simplistic as that may sound, it is the one emotion that is always present when we think about or speak to each other. Each of these friendships was developed when we were in our teens and early twenties. We blossomed as women together, raised children together, leaned on each other for support, cried together through our sad and painful moments, and laughed through our wild and happy times. The foundation was strong. As we moved into our thirties and the marriages were ending and the children were growing, our lives took us in different directions. Back to work, back to school, back to the country... and the times we were apart were greater than the times we spent together. Months would go by before one of us realized that we hadn't spoken. All it took was a phone call and it was as if no time had passed. We kept each other informed of our changes and stayed current with each other's lives. We couldn't bear the thought of being a "yesterday friend"... not with someone who knew our history and the paths we had traveled. Not with someone we loved so much. As I was writing this, I looked to the plaque hanging on my wall... "Friends are the family we choose." These women have been my soul sisters and they continue to be even now. Our friendships have lasted all of these years because we give each other room to grow and to change and to walk down whatever path we choose. We delight in each other's achievements and grieve with each other's heartaches. These aren't transient friendships based on selfish needs. These are the friendships that last a lifetime... the very best kind! I love you K, D & A!!
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