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What is it that you really want right
now?
Not from your head or your ego, or what
you think you should have to make you happy.
Go deeper.
To the place where real dreams,
dreams worth having and dreams that
actually have the power to manifest in reality come from.
Go in to your heart.
Who already knows exactly what dream is
raising its hand screaming, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!!"
Who already knows the first few steps
you could take right now to turn it from dream to reality.
What does your heart have to say?
Can you hear her or him?
Okay, let's do this together.
Close your eyes right now.
Take a
breath and put your hand on your heart and ask,
"What is the one dream I have for
myself that right now is most important to me?"
What does your heart say?
And if you were to ask
"What is the one or two steps that I
can take in the next three days to move towards that dream?"
What does your heart say?
And wait, one more question...
"What is the one thing that will stop
me from this dream becoming real?"
What does your heart say?
Okay, just one more...
"If I didn't listen to fear but
instead to the truth in my heart, what do I know?"
Whew! Great work moving past your fear
into love... if you were really listening to your heart when you did
this exercise, then when you asked yourself what would stop my dream
from becoming real, you would have felt your heart contracting,
fluttering or some kind of feeling that was BLAH! That's because
fear had the microphone!
And as an ambassador of Team Love, I'm
just not going to let fear win over you and smash your dream. All you
have to do is take the love dare!
SELF-LOVE DARE...
Take one giant
step toward your dream!
Write down the guidance you
received in your journal, on a piece of paper, heck even a sticky
note. Just somewhere you can see it.
Then write down, say out loud or
share with a friend the one or two actions you are going to take in
the next 3 days to take a giant leap toward
If you need some extra support
connecting to your Inner Wisdom and her Team Love message about your
dreams - you can download
the video meditation I created.
For those of you that are looking to kick fear out of your love life, and haven't yet taken the self-love stand to choose ME before WE... take a swing by my book page for Choosing ME before WE, check her out, and if you are ready to really truly put the love back in your love life, starting with the love you have for you, pick yourself up a copy.
Wherever this finds you today, read
this knowing that fear only has the power you provide it and at any
time you have a choice ... To choose to have faith in LOVE or to
choose to have faith in FEAR. I really encourage you to try on having
faith in LOVE. And of course, that love starts with the love you have
for yourself. Love yourself well today. You deserve it.
About Christine
Arylo
Popular author of
Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love,
Christine has been called the Queen of Self-Love. Her insights, fresh
perspectives and daring take on love, in all its forms, have been
featured on TV and radio stations across the country, in the world's
top spas and retreat centers, and in colleges and corporations. She
is the founder of Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of
self-love, which includes a free self-love kit downloadable at
www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual school where women go
to transform their self-sabotaging voices into self-empowering ones.
How
to be honest with your partner and come out alive ... and more loved.
By
Christine Arylo & Noah Martin, love intelligence experts
When
you get down to what separates great, long-lasting partnerships from
ones that start with the best intentions but fizzle out over time,
there are a few very basic rules and behaviors that while seemingly
common sense, most people don't have a clue about. The truth is
that we can all use a boost in our E.L.Q. ... our emotional
intelligence when it comes to navigating the waves of our most
intimate love relationships (a.k.a. your Emotional Love Quotient.)
One
of the most vital components of keeping and growing a POWERFUL,
LOVING, and FUN partnership is HONESTY. When life is smooth, honesty
is easy. It's when the bumps come up that the temptation to fib, to
disguise or avoid the truth seem like the simplest path. But over
time, little lies build to bigger lies and resentment - neither of
which you want hanging around your relationship.
One
of the most fertile grounds for secrecy between two people is money.
We call these 'sticky situations' and we've listed a few of the
most common. We've also included the most dangerous but often used
'emotionally-stunted' responses... DO NOT try these at home! On
the flip side, we've outlined for you the high E.L.Q. response, one
we've used in our own partnership to transform financially sticky
situations into deeper connection, a better understanding of
ourselves, and more love.
Sticky
Situation:
You've
spent a chunk of change without consulting your partner
You've
blown the budget you both agreed to
You've
put something on credit when you've agreed you are paying off your
debt
Emotionally
Stunted Responses:
Hide
the bill and pray he/she never finds out.
Feel
guilty, wait for them to figure it out and beg for forgiveness.
Sneak
your misdemeanor into another conversation or get to them while they
are busy or distracted.
Fess
up but slough it off as not a big deal, you'll find the money
somewhere.
High
E.L.Q. Response:
Admit
to yourself that you acted outside of the agreements you had with
your partner. You have to accept responsibility with yourself
that your action was outside of either a stated or implied agreement
(we always recommend having explicit agreements about money
choices.) But even if you didn't have an explicit agreement, you
knew what your partner expected. So face the music. Say out loud to
yourself, "I chose to XX and I know that my action was outside of
our agreements / expectations of each other." And then take a deep
breath (don't skip the breath, it's important to releasing your
own emotions!) Coming clean with yourself will feel good and erase
some of the guilt or apprehension. You can't be honest with your
partner if you aren't first honest with yourself.
Plainly
and succinctly take responsibility with your partner and then tell
them the facts. This is not the time to go into some long story
to justify your actions. Just own what you did, not with guilt but
with honesty. First, ask for his/her attention to talk about
something important. Second, state that you broke an agreement. And
third, tell them the specifics. "Joe, I broke our agreement about
making big purchases without talking to you about it. I bought XX
today for $XX." Then shut up.
Let
your partner react. Before you get to the "Why" (which in
your mind may either have been a good or bad reason) your partner
will need to have their emotional response. Seriously, it's the
least you can do. Your job is just to listen. Let them have whatever
feeling they have. Don't try and defend yourself, unless you want
to create a fight. This is also not the time to explain why. Just
listen. If in your partner's reaction, they ask why, include your
response as part of step four, after you own it. (Note to
Partner... you are responsible for your own E.L.Q. too. You are
allowed to honestly react but not to bludgeon, scream, attack, tear
apart or try and make your partner - who is trying to be honest
with you -- feel guilty or ashamed. You can be angry but you still
owe this person your respect and unconditional love. Be angry at the
action, not the person... and DON'T take it personally, their
action was not a personal attack on you.)
Own
your action again, apologize for breaking the agreement and then,
finally, you can share... not your defense but your heart. Your
simple response is, "You are right. I acted outside of our
agreement. I am sorry." Let that apology land. Then take a breath
and say, "I'd like to share why I made this decision..." and
then share with them, from your heart what motivated you to make the
choice to spend money this way. Be vulnerable. Do not get defensive.
Do not bring up any of their actions from the past to throw in their
face. Remember, the two of you are on the same side, and have
committed to helping each other be the best people you can be.
Create
Conscious Next Steps.
Discuss
the "Now what?" Come to agreement on how you manage any
financial stress this may cause, and work together to make it
work.
Create
an agreement or modify the previous one. Converse about what
really works for you both and talk about it until you both feel
really good.
State
your agreed to expectations out loud. This will make sure
there is no confusion, and will eliminate the need for any
secrets.
And
our favorite last step to this whole process...
Pinky
Swear on your agreement and then seal it with a smooch!
Christine
Arylo and Noah Martin met
in Chicago, married in San Francisco, and after 10-years of hanging
out building lives, a business and a loving partnership together,
still have the kind of relationship most people only dream about.
Their simple, fun and practical approaches to love and relationships
have been featured on ABC-TV and on stages across the country with
audiences of all ages. Arylo is the popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, The Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love
and Noah is a trained hypnotherapist and relationship coach. Visit
www.mebeforewe.com.
When I first met my husband Noah ten years ago, if you had met me, you would have thought to yourself, "Now here is a smart woman. She's getting her m.b.a., great job, confident. Here is a woman with tons of self esteem." And you would have been right. That was all true. Which is why what I am about to tell you is even more shocking.
By our third date, Noah was so taken aback by my big reactions towards his small acts of kindness, that he felt compelled to take me by the hands and say to me, "Christine, I don't know what is going to happen between the two of us, but regardless, you have to raise your standards for men. You can't like a man because he is nice to you. He is SUPPOSED to be nice to you!"
What??? My M.B.A. brain reeled in total confusion as if Noah had just proven to me that the world was actually flat. In all my 30+ years I had never considered the fact that the minimum bar of acceptance was a man who was nice to me. And like a time-stamped rolodex, my brain reeled back to all the not-so-nice behavior I had endured, experienced, and come to expect.
So yes, it was true, I was a mentally intelligent woman, but I was emotionally retarded. And as I looked around at many of my friends, I noticed a definite trend. Beautiful and well-liked women with successful careers who constantly chose men that didn't treat them with the unconditional respect and love they craved and deserved. Which, of course, just like me, made them chase them, want them, and change for them more.
Yes, we all had smarts. What we were missing was self-love.
What we didn't know was:
Unconditional Love and Respect in Your Relationships is NOT an Upgrade.
It's a Must.
While we all knew that we could do the job, get the grades and build the career, what we had failed to see was that unconditional love and respect was where our expectation bar for men should be sitting, and that in order to do that, we had to be able to give that same unconditional love and respect to ourselves.
Fortunately for me when I had this epiphany, I was three months into my now ten year journey of self-love, so I really took a step back and asked myself, 'How did I get to the age of 30 before I realized that men were supposed to be nice to me?' and 'What can I do to make sure I never sell myself short again?'
From one smart woman to another, who finally did learn to love herself, here is what I discovered:
3 reasons why we expect men to not be nice:
- Bad training. If you were lucky, your mother told you to expect men to be nice to you, or you were out of there. My mother, like most, never made it around to that talk. Not because she had some sick desire for me to suffer, she just didn't know this fact herself. Ignorance and tolerance are like bad family heirlooms passed down generation to generation. The good news is that you have the power to break the cycle whenever you choose.
- Set points were set with immature boys not good men. Our first experiences with the opposite sex in regards to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic are set on the playground, playing out adult dramas in totally childlike ways. One minute he's your boyfriend. Next, he's spitting spitballs at you. This continues through high school and college, so your brain creates set points that say this is the normal state to allow. Problem is, "spit balls" don't feel any better at the age of 27 or 37 than they did when you were 8
- Bad examples, everywhere. From the movies, tv shows, music and internet, it's a constant barrage of men being jackasses. This is bad rap for men, and bad input for you. Subconsciously your brain stores bad as normal (92% of the images you see go right around your conscious thoughts into your subconscious). Add your own personal experience of men - from family, friends and strangers - and you could see how your subconscious brain could form all kinds of thoughts you had no idea were there.
So What Do You Do? Choose Self-Love.
All of the bad programmings and low expectations can be reversed and avoided by changing one thing - your relationship to yourself. The truth is that every relationship you have is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. If you don't have unconditional love and respect for yourself, there is no way that you can expect it from someone else, which is quite often why you will settle for less.
In my book Choosing ME before WE, I talk about the 5-vows of self-love every woman must make with herself first, before she can have a loving relationship with another. Here are two of those vows. I invite you to take it and keep it, and honor the most important relationship you'll ever have - the one with you.
Self Love Promises:
- I honor myself.
- I never settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
- All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live my dreams, or I don't have them.
- I give unconditional love and respect, and I expect it in return.
This doesn't mean that all of your relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect and love you desire. Unconditional love and respect go both ways. It also doesn't mean that you go cutting people out of your life without taking a good deep look at what you want from your relationships, what part you play in creating that relationship dynamic, and then taking steps to transform, let go or grow the relationships you currently have so that EVERY SINGLE ONE reflects that same unconditional love and respect you have for yourself.
Self-love requires that you choose me before we in every relationship, which is not about being a self-centered, narcissistic, its-all-about-me kind of person. What choosing me before we means is that because you have made a commitment to create what your heart and soul desire, you don't have space in your life for relationships that drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju ju feelings (like shame, guilt, self doubt) or take more energy than they give.
You are a beautiful woman. Be nice to yourself. And believe you are worth being nice to.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches women how to love themselves. A recovering achievement junkie and doing addict, Arylo is the co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School and the popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com. Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
We live in a time when we are constantly bombarded with images, ideas and sound bytes that tell us who we should be, could be and ought to be. Unless you live in a cave, you can't escape their massive barrage, and let's face it, even from a cave you could probably still get text messages.
Think of all you see in a day... images and words of what you should look like, should have and ought to measure up to, all pointing to one main message, 'You are not enough.' It's enough to make your head spin, and throw even the most self-assured person off center. Add in a few difficult life events - a breakup, a job loss, a pay cut -- and you could end up with a Hiroshima to your self-confidence.
Unless that is, you have built up your self-confidence muscles. Just like training for a marathon and building physical muscles, to be a successful, happy and confident person you must work out your mental and emotional muscles regularly.
You wouldn't go to the gym to start training your physical muscles the day before a marathon, would you? No way! You'd peril on the pavement. So why would the marathon of your life be any different? It's not.
Put these 7 tips into practice daily and you will develop the confidence and conviction that you can do anything... no matter what the outside world is telling you:
1. Stop Worrying About What Others Think. Trust Yourself
You can't be responsible for how everyone else thinks about how you live your life, so stop worrying about how your family, partner and friends will react to your choices and start getting real about how you feel about your life. Act from what you think is right for you. We always know what the best action is to take for ourselves, when we slow down enough to listen to our inner wisdom. It's just not always easy to slow down or to trust our intuition. Be committed to trusting yourself, even when it's scary, and even when others disagree.
2. Become Best Buds with Your Intuition
Inside of you is the best life and decision making compass ever - your intuition. It always communicates what is best for you, but you have to be listening, and you have to trust its advice. Just like a best friend, if you're not calling, it will stop trying to contact you. If you keep asking for advice but don't take it, it will stop trying to help. Start listening for the communication cues of your intuition - through words you hear, images you see, feelings you have, and things you just know. Act based on what your intuition tells you and you will start to trust yourself more, and build more self-confidence in the process.
3. Know What Makes You Unique
Every person, including you, was born with a set of unique gifts, talents and inclinations that they are naturally good at, more so than the average person. When you find these gifts and use them, your confidence, success and happiness increases. Think Tiger Woods. Born to golf. No matter how much you practiced, you'd never be as great as him; he has a gift. You have gifts too. Ask the people that know you the best, "What are my gifts?" Take notice of the compliments you receive, especially ones you find hard to accept. Make a list of your gifts and start putting time, energy and money there.
4. Know What Makes You Happy
Stop trying to fit into the expectations and ideals that outside forces - society, family, work, friends -- have said you 'should' be in order to be successful, happy and accepted, and start asking yourself, "What really makes ME happy?" Think about the times that you've been happiest. Who were you being? What did you have? What were you doing? Do the same for your most unhappy times. Compare the two to your life today and notice the gaps. Happiness breeds confidence.
5. Have an Opinion and Express It
Know what you believe and don't be afraid to express it. Confident people have convictions that come from inside their souls, minds and hearts. They know their truth and are willing to stand in it, even when what they have to say makes others uncomfortable. Know your truth in all situations and share it with pride and conviction, knowing that your unique voice deserves to be heard just because you're you.
6. Never Apologize For Being You
Unfortunately the world is full of people, including our inner mean girls and inner bullies, that want to keep us small, playing along and being 'good' girls and boys. When you listen to them by apologizing for who you are, or by discounting your contributions, thoughts and feelings, you squash your self-confidence. Be brilliant. Be you. And never apologize for it.
7. Spend Less Time in the Basement, More Time in the Penthouse
We all have emotional triggers, things that evoke an overly strong feeling and reaction--anxiety, anger, worry, shame, despair, fear--especially during times of stress. Your job is to notice when you have one of these 'basement' emotions that erode your confidence, and then to get yourself back up into the 'penthouse' where emotions like trust, peace, love, joy and happiness live. Have your hard emotions, just have them and move back on up to the penthouse, where the view of your life is much better!
 
Self-Love Adventure:
learn more about you by traveling back through your life and remembering what FUN was for you at different times and ages. One thing that I have learned about fun is that it changes as we age and it also stays the same. Both are true. There are things that were fun for you when you were 7 that would still be fun if you gave yourself the permission to just let go and be your little girl again. And there are things that you thought were fun as a teenager and in your early twenties that would so not be fun today. And that information - about what fun used to be and about how your definition of fun has changed as you have are great ways to get to know the woman you are today even better. So many of us 'adults' have come to think of play as something we have to buy or save for when in fact if we just take a look back through time, we can find all kinds of ways to have fun that don't require a credit card or a down payment. And so many of us think back to the times when we were more 'free' and think they were full of such fun, but what we realize when we go back in time is that those things weren't really as fun as we thought. And that realization brings even more freedom!
So today I invite you to take a self-love adventure to learn more about your personal definition of fun by taking a trip back in time ... it's called Fun-Time Travel and this is how you do it:Step One: Create some space in your life to take a couple of hours for this journey. Pack the materials you'll need: a journal or some paper, writing or drawing utensils, and your memory. If it helps, bring some pictures of you from different ages.
Step Two: Take your materials to a place where you can just be with you. It can be a public place like a coffee shop, out in nature or a personal space in your home. Just make it somewhere you can really sink into this adventure. Step Three: Once you are all settled in, first on the top of one page write, "When I was 5 and 7, fun was..." Turn to the next page and write "When I was 13 and 15 fun was... " Turn to the next page and write "When I was 17 and 19 fun was", then "21 fun was..." and so on using whatever ages make sense for you, up to and including the age you are today. Step Four: Starting with your youngest age, answer the question, "When I was 5 and 7, fun was...." Imagine yourself at that age. See yourself as you were then. Remember what it was that you did that made you laugh, smile or just have a good time. Write in really great detail what fun was for you. Describe what you did. Write down how you felt. Notice what you think about that today. Repeat the same for each year that you wrote down. Step Five: Go back and look at all your wrote. What do you notice? Use these questions as a way to find the nuggets of wisdom that you can apply to your life today: • What surprises you? • What makes you happy? What makes you sad? • How has your idea of fun changed over the years? • What are common themes throughout the years? • What can you take from the past to bring more fun into your life today? • What do you need to let go over to bring more fun into your life today? Step Six: Pick three actions based on what you learned from your time travel that you can take immediately to start bringing more fun into your life. Write down what you will do and by when. And then tell someone what you've decided to do. Ask them to be your Play Partner and help you stay accountable to having fun and doing your three fun actions!
To get more self-love adventures, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com
TRUTH
Okay, let's face it ladies, we have all lied to ourselves at one time or another... to hang on to a relationship way longer than we should have... to avoid having to admit our weaknesses and failures and insecurities... to avoid being present with the truth of our reality so we wouldn't have to admit to our part in creating a mess or a stress out of our lives.
I'll admit it... I am a former Queen of Illusion. If there was a lie to be told about relationships and love, I told it to myself just so I could stay in a 15-year relationship 14 years too long. I have on ocassion, let myself feel like a victim to what was happening around me, and I have at times so wanted to make something the other person's fault, completely. But about 5 years ago I took a vow that changed my life ... that I would be 100% honest with myself always, uncompromising, unwavering self-honestly. I took that promise because I learned one really important LIFE TRUTH...
How honest we choose - and it is a choice - to be with ME
affects everything in our lives
If we want the lives we say we really want... then we have no choice but to be honest - all the time.
What Stops Us from Being Honest... Why Do We Want to Lie To ME?
What I learned was that it wasn't the truth that I was afraid of, it was the consequences to admitting or sharing that truth that scared the daylights out of me. I lied to myself about my relationship because if I was honest, that meant I would have to leave him. And the hard truth was, I was afraid to be alone. The woman from Oregon who said she never ever wanted to get married, told herself that lie, because she was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I listen to my clients tell themselves lies like "I'm not good enough to be a published author. I don't have this degree so I will never be successful."
Those are lies too! And we cannot afford to tell ourselves lies any longer! If you really want the life you say you do then you MUST get downright real with yourself about everything in your life! And that is my challenge to us all this week on our adventure to self-love.
DARE: Find at least one lie that you are telling yourself about who you are, about your life situation, or about your current life choices and CHANGE IT from a lie to the TRUTH!
Now since you are lying to yourself it might be hard to discover this lie, so be bold and ask someone who knows you really well, "In what ways do you think I am lying to myself - about me, about my relationships, my career, my finances, etc." Pick someone you trust and give them permission to be 100% honest with you, promising them that you won't get mad at them and that you really do want to know. When you have convinced them that it is safe (and if you aren't doing any promising here, you probably aren't going to get a very deep answer), shut up and listen. Take in what they say, don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, just listen. After they finish simply say "Thank You for being so honest." And then if you can share from your heart about how their insight is affecting what you see in yourself, share. Like "Wow, you know, I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, etc. because .... " If you can't share from your heart, just stick with the THANK YOU and mull over what they had to say on your own, using it to find your truth.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The low of course is the easy one to start with. My self-love low was without a doubt the two weeks I spent begging, pleading, bargaining with my ex-fiance to take me back, to love me again, to do anything but leave me. Never mind he'd been cheating on me for 6 months, or that he dumped me two hours before our engagement party, I wanted this man to love me. I wanted him to love me so much that I groveled and cried my heart out, believing my life to be over if he wasn't in it, if he didn't love me. At the time I was a marketing executive, an m.b.a. student at a top three school and a self-confident woman, but when it came this guy, I was convinced I was nothing without him. This was the lowest point of my life. The point that as an educated, smart woman, I would rather marry a man who didn't want me and who had been sleeping with other women, rather than be alone. What I realized after two weeks of feeling as if my heart had been torn out of my chest by a wild boar, was that the pain I felt wasn't because he wasn't there. It was because I wasn't there. The pain wasn't so intense because he didn't love me. It felt so bad and so deep because I didn't love me. Like myself a lot, yes. Self confidence present, yes. Self love anywhere in sight, no. That was the last time I let my self-love dip that deep. That was the last time I ever believed that I needed a man to complete me. Fast forward, three years, to the moment that I first really felt total unabashed self-love. I had moved to San Francisco by this point, a city I had always wanted to live in. I had completed two-years of intense therapy to heal my gaping wounds. And I had started on what I call my journey to be, love and live Christine without apology, and without holding back. This particular day I had booked a hotel room in the very romantic wine country at an inn just teeming with lovey dovey couples, and me. I arrived, by myself, I took sauna, by myself, and I visited the fireplace lit restaurant with a five-course meal, by myself. Surrounded by couples holding hands, I felt no twinges of loneliness, only utter joy and contentment at being with myself and at being able to taste such delicious food and wine without having to talk to a table mate. After dinner, I strolled back to my room, by myself, ordered dessert via room service and sat in my pillow feathered bed savoring each piece of delectable chocolate cake. I was in heaven... and in that moment, for the first time ever, I realized that I was in love with myself, completely. I realized that for 33 years I had been afraid to be alone, and in that moment I knew that I could never really be alone because I was always with myself. That was the night I fell in love with ME. Which is why it is my self-love high, because it was the first time, but the first time with me! Olive, age 13, says:
If I can speak for most people I will say that we have more lows than highs. I personally feel half and half. Some of the times when I have had highs are super cool. One of them is when I got a letter from Obama and it even had his signature! That just felt super cool because when I was writing him a letter everyone told me to write it in business form but I ignored them and used a hot pink card with blue birds, wrote in blue pen, and used a green envelope. I just thought to myself, who wants to open just one more white envelope? Because that's so exciting! Some other times are when people compliment me on my outfit. Whenever I wear something bright and colorful I always wonder what might be going through people's minds but when 10 people compliment me within 5 minutes, I know it's always best to just listen to my thoughts and trust ME. My lows occur sporadically. Most of the time it's when I'm in a big crowd with people my age and I don't know anyone. All of these other girls are with their friends laughing and I just feel so lonely. No one really realizes how much we need our friends but the truth is that they are what hold us up. My friends prevent me form having so many lows. The best friends you can have are the ones that will always be there for you. For some people friends boost their confidence, for example, look at me! I'm so liked I have 30 friends!!! I would say that people who have a lot of lows are most likely self-conscious but it could really be anything. Depression, sad feelings, etc. To have more highs I recommend thinking of things as glass half full. Just try not to be negative at all and you will truly have a better day! Christin, age 25, says:
 The lowest self love low happened for me when I was nine. Not that I was fully conscious of my lack of self love at the time. All I was conscious of was that I wanted to die. I can remember sitting with my legs over the balcony - staring at the pool deck below and wondering if any one would even notice. Wondering if death was so numbing that I would even notice? I felt useless and dirty and shamed. I felt bad and wrong and desperate. But most of all - I felt trapped. I was in the self-love dumper for many many reasons, but the most prevalent was because I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse that, one day in fifth grade math class, I unexpectedly remembered. And all of a sudden, like a supernatural sprinkling of filth all over my skin - I was worthless. My memory of this time is shaky, at best, so I can't say for sure how long I spent in this darkness. A week? An entire childhood? I do remember when I climbed out. I was at the kitchen counter with a knife poking into my rib cage - just waiting for the courage to push. And then it was as if an older version of myself tapped me on the shoulder, a benevolent angel whispering that this period in my life, this shadow, was temporary. And sometime in the future I would be free. I had already survived this long. I would survive to my independence. I made the choice that I would make it out alive. My highest of self love highs was so opposite to this feeling of loneliness. It is interesting to me to note the amazing contrast of internal liberation between these two stories. Not only did I make it out alive, I thrived beyond my wildest dreams of love, connection and spirit... I had enrolled in a leadership course in California which was challenging and opening on so many levels. After our first week I had a moment of such pure love for myself that I have yet to duplicate it. I don't know what it was about that morning - maybe it was the magic of the redwoods, or the calling of the crows, or the mists of Avalon opening for me. I looked in the mirror that morning and, for the first time in my life, without any inhibition or need for permission, I saw myself as incredibly divine and beautiful. I WAS beauty. I was the essence of life. And Life was Good. All my life I had searched for a sign that I was not alone - a touch from the hand of god. But that morning I felt complete within myself - I knew I was loved because I loved myself. I knew I was beautiful because I found myself to be so. I felt so deeply the connection to all the IS - the oneness of all things - and I believed in the goodness and sacredness of my Self.
Katie, age 34, says:
Since at least junior high, I've engaged in a self-love ritual. Whenever I've felt hopeless about the outside world or the one within me, I've waited for night to fall and retreated into my core self. The ritual is: I sink into a soft, supportive surface - these days, it's my plush, beige living room sofa - with candles lit all around the dark spaces, and soulful music lulling me into peace. And then, I cry. I release my grief, anxiety, shame, anger, and guilt. As I listen to the heart-opening lyrics of whatever song plays, my tears create space for joy and love to come. I call these moments my "scheduled crying jags." Even the heaving sobs are miraculous to me, because I'm euphoric when I allow them to happen, and I always heal. Knowing I can return to this sacred space at any time, I emerge feeling safe in the world again, and then I wonder why I always make the jags wait for my night to fall. Once, one of my crying jags was scheduled for me. I was in a spiritual service, feeling shaken with awareness: two days before, I'd learned not only that the man I had loved for three years did not feel the same, but also, that he never had, even though we'd been in an intimate relationship throughout that time. As the choir sang about love, my torso threw itself over my thighs, and I sat hunched over myself, having a wailing cry that I might have put on my calendar. Except it came out unexpectedly and uncontrollably, like a screaming toddler in a grocery store, holding his mother hostage because he knows everyone is watching. This cry was going to come right there, whether I liked it or not. I did like it. Not at first, but after I saw how hopeful those around me were, that they could care for me or say the right thing, or just sit with me in my pain. I'd arrived at that place by smiling for three years, when I could have cried a lot, letting my pain out in segments. Getting clear with each crying jag about what I wanted, who I really could be without this guy. So when people learn about my scheduled crying jags and ask, "Isn't that depressing?" ... I smile. Not because I'm masking something, but because I'm feeling the self-love. Janet, age 52, says:  Wow! Self-Love...the honest truth is that for the majority of my life the word Self was always followed with those wicked three letters ish - Selfish. I grew up in a time when being a female meant you put everyone else first and yourSelf last or you were considered selfish. Growing up I was always told what I couldn't or shouldn't do rather than what I could do/be. Go figure that it took over 40 years for me to self-define and figure out what Loving mySelf was/is really about?!? Today Loving mySelf is quite simple...whatever brings me Joy and makes me truly Happy is Loving mySelf! Walking my dogs on the beach every morning ...collecting sand dollars and heart-shaped rocks ~ makes my heart sing! Getting a manicure and pedicure makes me feel pampered and cared for...taking a bath in ancient essential oils in candle light makes me feel divinely feminine ...being okay with saying "No" to someone or something...or conversely, daring to say "Yes" to something that I really deserve and desire ~ such as going to Africa, Europe, going scuba diving in some far off exotic location or buying new lingerie... Doing and Being exactly Who I Am...rather than what others expect of me...not needing approval... No excuses...explanations or apologies! The first half of my Life was filled with self doubt and guilt! There would be stolen moments and temporary insanity when I would run off and do something crazy like go on a shopping spree, or steal away for a long weekend for a romantic interlude. But by golly the guilt and self-recrimination was more than I could stand! How could I possibly do something so self-centered as to buy a bunch of new clothes? And how could you possibly just run off with some guy for a long weekend and forget about your responsibilities (not to mention that nice girls don't do things like that!)?!? These were all the voices in my head...the tape that constantly ran. Everything tinged with Guilt and Remorse ...the voice and prattle were always the same...you don't deserve to be happy or be fully alive. I Am a better person for having persevered and transformed these dark times into Jewels of Wisdom...the guilt has been replaced with Grace...remorse replaced with the Real-I-zation that I Am Beautiful Being In & Out!!
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
As I read the blogs and think of my own life, I know that doing what you want for the holidays regardless of the expectations people throw at you are is easy, and hard, as two things: Truth and Love. TRUTH. Every one of us owes it to ourselves to be honest about what we really want and need during the holidays. For me, it's different every year. This year it's space, my home, joy and good food. I'll spend my holidays nestled into home with my partner, my dog and the Christmas music and white lights that make my heart all warm and fuzzy. I always ask myself, "What do I need and want this holiday? And what will give me what I want?" I think all women should ask those same questions, and then commit to doing what they want - before telling their friends and family. You've got to be super resolved inside yourself to claim what you want or else you'll crumble at the first sign of resistance. Let's face it, it's one thing to say what you want; it's another to follow through. I know that when I am clear on my intentions and committed to doing what makes me happy, I end up in situations in which I feel great. Whatever your holiday wish is this year, find it, and give it to yourself. LOVE. First, we've got to love ourselves enough to believe we deserve what we want - time by ourselves, intimate conversations, a trip to the snow, staying home, etc. Then, when we step forward and express our plans or desires, we've got to do it from the place of love instead of from the place of being the dutiful daughter, the good girl, the victim or the raving righteous madwoman. I stopped flying back to the Midwest for holiday gatherings the year after I moved to California. I didn't make some grand statement that pronounced, "I will not be returning for the holidays whether you like it or not, so deal with it" and I didn't get all wimpy by apologizing for not showing up. After getting really clear that I loved being in California for the holidays (aka LOVE for ME first), I shared why I was staying in California to the relatives that asked. Some got it, some didn't. But I spoke from my heart with all of them, and that left me guilt-free, full of joy and ready to enjoy my holiday, my way. Step forward this year with love in your heart, truth in your soul and spend your holidays, your way... whatever that looks like for you.
Olive, age 13, says:
One thing I hate about the holidays is having to pretend that I believe in Santa. I don't! He's not real! I always have to have presents from Santa for my cousins and siblings so that they think Santa is real. I hate having to play a part in all of this. Last Christmas, my step-mom put chocolate covered raisins on the floor saying the reindeer pooped in our house. Sure, IT'S HILARIOUS! But having to go along with all of it just bugs me. I have to say, "Oh my gosh! They pooped in our house!" And then of course my dad and step-mom eat the cookies and carrots so even though I play along with this lie, I don't even get to eat the cookies! Also, since "it would drive my little sister crazy" I don't get to have an advent calendar! Or if my little sister has one I'm not allowed to have one because then she will want to have mine. How about just tell her that she can't have mine and she'll have to deal with it?! I really don't know how my Jewish cousins do it either. Them going to school and singing songs about Santa when they know that Santa isn't real and they have to lie to everybody? It would drive me nuts! I deal with it because I love my family and if that's what I need to do to make them happy then so be it. They do so much for me and I really just love the holidays, snow, and presents so it's hard to complain. I just hope that when my cousins and sister are older they won't ask me why I lied to them. Happy Holidays Everybody!
Christin, age 25, says:
This is a tough question because guilt is a very dear friend of mine. ☺ The concept of detachment is one that has helped me tremendously. Not a heartless sentiment but the divine detachment that comes with tremendous compassion and presence. One very valuable trick I learned came from a fabulous book called "When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People" - when a relative or a friend engages in outrageous behavior that is embarrassing and would usually result in feelings of guilt; the trick is to step back in your mind observing the situation like a complete stranger and calmly say to yourself, "Hmm. I wonder whose relative that is." Removing the reactive emotions from the situation keeps me guilt free, still part of the social event and my personal power intact. Plus, it makes me giggle inside. This question reminds myself that the other person's behavior is neither my fault nor is it my problem. The other thing I do is take stock of the situation with my "realistic goggles" on. If I know that after four hours of drinking, Brother Timmy says hurtful things he doesn't mean, or that at 8:00 o'clock Aunty Mildred shows up and judges my lifestyle choices, or after two hours my friend from college gets over- the-top bossy - I prepare myself for the situation by accepting it with detachment or arranging my schedule to exit the situation before the inevitable happens. It is usually perfectly acceptable as long as I am upfront about my expectations and time frame with other members of the social gathering.
Anne, age 41, says:
I remember one year I didn't want to go home for Thanksgiving, I wanted some type of adventure. I ended up going to London with my friend and I had a great time... and I got the guilt from my family. Major guilt. I had that Norman Rockwell family complete with the value system of family first no matter what. It was really hard to say, I won't be home. But something inside of me really wanted to create an independent experience that year. So I summoned up the courage, told my mom, and she took it very passive aggressively, but ultimately understood. Thanksgiving night I ate fish and chips and felt a little homesick but still had a great time. So I think that you can't control how others will respond to your decisions about things, especially when it comes to everyone's expectations around family and holidays. What I do think is that you have to make decisions about how you want to spend your time and then be aware of how your decision will affect others. And then be prepared for the consequences. The trick is to be true to yourself while honoring those around you.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Today I live my holidays my way. I decide what they mean to me, who I want to spend them with, and I never do anything out of obligation. I make my choices from my heart and from what really brings me joy. But it wasn't always that way. I used to be a holiday nut. When I was in my 20's, I was that crazy Christmas chick with 12 boxes of ornaments, an 8 foot tree and enough lights to make the Griswold's jealous. I baked cookies, I sent holiday cards, I listened to Christmas music 24/7 and I had a gift list longer than Santa's. While part of this obsession was truly because of my love of the holiday spirit (It's a Wonderful Life is still one of my favorite movies), the real underlying driver was my unhappiness during the rest of the year. November and December became the months when I could forget how unhappy I was in my relationship, in my mini-mcmansion, in a life that didn't always feel so Wonderful. The holidays were like a magical wand that just whisked my memory of the unhappiness away, and for 6 weeks I was living in the jolliest of Winter Wonderlands. Thankfully, like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, I got a second chance when my old unhappy life ended at the age 30. While I didn't get my wake up call from an angel named Clarence, I did realize that I didn't need all this Christmas ornamentation and hoopla to be happy. I got real about the fact that my over-drive of Christmas activities had been a way to make up for my unhappiness the other 10 months. Deep inside, the reason I had loved the holidays so much was that it gave me the opportunity to express all the love and happiness that I couldn't the rest of the year... like it had been stored up for months just waiting to be released. Over the last seven years, I shed all but 1 box of Christmas ornaments, I now keep my white lights up all year long, and I express my love and joy all year-long. I create my own Holiday rituals and gatherings based on what the holidays mean to me. This year I flew to Chicago in early December to give and receive the gift of spending time with two little girls I love to pieces... I bought a jingle bell bracelet that makes me smile... I will celebrate Winter Solstice on Dec 21st in the mountains reflecting on the year past and creating the year to be... I will spend December 25th with my soul partner and my dog remembering all that I am grateful for (and drinking fabulous wine and eating delicious food)... and I will give only those gifts that I feel inspired to give. I don't make any excuses or apologies to anyone for not being or doing what I "should." I express my choices with the holiday spirit and from a place of love, and let them do with that what they may. My holiday wish for all of us is to be and act from the truest place within ourselves, where we express the holiday spirit of love, laughter and connection while doing what brings us joy.
Olive, age 13, says:
I love the holidays. There's really not that much I would change. I do hate how people will be walking around with Santa hats on. It's not that I mind the silliness of it but are the holidays about Christmas? Absolutely...NOT! I celebrate Christmas even though I am not religious but there are so many holidays that when I see Santa it makes me realize how the US is Christian. You can even take prop. 8 as an example. Church and state don't mix. There different. Same thing here. "Well most people are Christian so let's just paint Santa all over the place." Maybe paint eight candles instead for a change. My other issue with Santa is crazy adults. Sure, I loved believing in Santa when I was growing up but this is what bothers me. "What do you want from santa this year Olive?", says some crazy person. "Um...well Santa's not real but I want-" "WHAT!?!?!?! Of course Santa is real! He always brings me presents!" "Uh, I'm 13 and I found out that Santa wasn't real when I was 8" "AWWWWW BOO-HOO! You're hurting my feelings! Santa's real!" "Well he's not real and...well...yeah I gotta go ask my mom something.. uhh yeah" I swear this happens EVERY holiday season. I don't like to be that annoying teenager who rolls her eyes at people but come on! It's ridiculous. I should not have to take that kind of harassment. I could see if maybe I was 5 but 13? I may think poo is hilarious but in this case I definitely am having to say GROW UP. I think it's funny how my parents will still label things from Santa but that's just for my little sister because she really does think that everyone gets presents from Santa. She even thinks that Santa's reindeer poo in our house judging by her reaction to my step-mom putting chocolate covered raisins on the floor. Now that was funny. I encourage everyone to embrace the holidays with welcome arms, but please, don't insist that Santa gives me my presents. If he did I would have everything ever made by Vivienne Westwood, Betsey Johnson, and Marc Jacobs. So chillax.
Christin, age 25, says:
This particular holiday go round I feel like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch when she sings, "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? ...." I feel like the whole she-bang is one big fat 'supposed to'. I mean really; parties, gift exchanges, family dinners, decorating, cleaning, fancy work get together's, presents, wrapping, baking - Even reading the list is exhausting! Why do we do this to ourselves? What is the point? One of my favorite Christmases was the year I got snowed in with my boyfriend. We woke up with no presents, warm cups of coffee and fresh snow. I remember the magic of the morning being with someone I loved so deeply and the feeling that the world was fresh and anew and special just for us. All the other rubbish - sure I missed it a little. Okay, I missed it a lot - but it was a nice change to keep it so simple. What I want this year is to remember that the resonance of the season is uncomplicated; Love, Family, Friendship, Laughter. I want us, especially as women, to hold those as priorities. To keep those as the Why's and let the What's fall into place on thier own. And when we don't show up to the proverbial Holiday Soirees held by our local Seasonal Sandy's (whom you know deep down, we don't really like anyway) - I think we might just enjoy that egg nog, take more than one pleasurable sigh, and smile.
Anne, age 41, says:
I have to say that I usually do exactly what I want for the holidays. This wasn't always the case. There was a time I definitely tried to recreate my mother's version of Christmas, complete with pie crusts made from scratch, perfect Christmas cards, and tons of cookies and gifts for everybody I knew. Now I try to keep all that to a minimum. I think the pressure to make everything all Martha Stewart comes from the frenzied need to feel like we have all of this community and attention around us. Also, the pace seems to completely speed up this time of year and I am sure that adds to it. Let's face it, the stores are playing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving complete with messaging that instructs us to show how much we care by going into credit card debt to buy more than we can afford. But the thing for me is I found the more I tried to do all that stuff, the less fun I would have and Christmas became about achievement, not Fa La La. So I have a tree, I send some cards, buy a few gifts and really try to enjoy myself without guilt. And for those people I didn't reconnect with via phone, email or cards, I will when the time is right. I think it makes it about calming down and simplicity and really enjoying my friends, kids and family. This year, my sister and I only giving each other's children one book, which is great, because I really hate the Disney store.
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The thing that struck me most about the topic and blogs this month was the idea of respect. We all want it, but we don't always give it. Relationships that work have it, ones without it don't... and that goes for friends as well as lovers and family members. We can have different opinions from our friends if there is respect on both sides, it's what allows us to say, "I respect that you have an opinion, I am willing to hear what that is, and I don't have to agree with you." In fact, if we have a safe place to disagree we can really stretch ourselves to get curious, see other points of view and grow as women.
But like most things, this is easier said than done. I am a passionate person and when my friends and I disagree it hasn't always been pretty, especially when it involves social and political issues. Some topics are really hard, especially when you are at polar ends of the earth. What usually happens in those friendships is that we avoid those topics or only engage in them occasionally.
Most of us stay away from uncomfortable discussions, or we limit our close friendships to people who think like us. But avoidance is not the answer. While most of us wouldn't be super excited about walking into a room full of people who staunchly oppose our opinions, we can all challenge ourselves to use our friendships as a safe place to share our opinions, even when they differ. The important thing is that we hold R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we stop ourselves from trying to convert the other, and we listen. We may not agree, and that's okay, as long as we have respect and heart with our friend.
Olive, age 13, says:
Whether or not it is possible to be friends with someone that is totally different than you really depends on what kind of friend they are to you. Are they a best friend or just a buddy?
If they are just a buddy then it should be okay. You might still have trouble though if you don't even have fun together. When you hang out together you have to have something to talk about without always disagreeing otherwise your time together will just be miserable. If you do have fun together though it is just best to enjoy each others opinions and just be open.
If they are your best friend then you have some trouble. Most people like to be right and prove their point so if you are constantly talking to them and hanging out with them you will just argue all of the time. Arguing is okay but when you do it all of the time it just means that you have an unhealthy relationship.
When you go out shopping with your friends you want to be able to find something that is cute and have them agree with you. That's just the type of person that most people want to be around. If you have friend and all you can think about them is bad thoughts, that's a good sign that maybe it's time to talk or it's time to let go and find a new friend.
Anne, age 41, says: It's funny. I have become very good friends with someone whose religious beliefs, on the surface, are quite different from my mine. However, I really value her friendship. We never discuss the specifics of her worldview or mine, but rather have worked out a way to have really meaningful conversations about ethics, life, death, raising children, etc. and we do not always agree. On the other hand, I have had a friendship fade, even though we were raised relatively the same way and had mostly the same general beliefs. I think why the first relationship works and latter one didn't isn't what we disagreed about, it was what we really thought and felt about each other on a personal level that made it impossible for us to have a safe place to have disagreement and ultimately a friendship.
So maybe at the end of the day it is a yes and no answer. I find you can have significant differences of opinions about almost anything as long as you have mutual respect and honesty. So another question is when you do disagree with someone and it gets you really angry or upset, why do you want them to see the world the way you do? What are you trying to convince them or yourself of?
Linda, age 60, says:  This question really brings up another: How do we define friendship? And one's answer to that question provides a clue to the first.
When I choose to move an acquaintance into my circle of friends, it's because we are of a like mind. We share similar values, enjoy similar activities, and view the world in a similar fashion. Granted, our political or spiritual views may differ somewhat but the essence of who we are as people is very much the same.
Opinions are what they are, and everyone can give one on just about any topic. They really don't define an individual; they only present us with information about what that person thinks. The problem with opinions is when someone insists on being "right." And these are the people who are difficult for me to be friends with.
Why?
In my experience, people who define opinions as right or wrong make judgments about others on a somewhat superficial level. What someone thinks becomes more important than who someone is. And, in that process, I feel very judged not by who I am but by what I say. It's very difficult for me to engage in friendship with someone who lacks the openness to accept my views or choices as the results of my own life experience.
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