Recently in Making Changes Category

TRUTH
Okay, let's face it ladies, we have all lied to ourselves at one time or another... to hang on to a relationship way longer than we should have... to avoid having to admit our weaknesses and failures and insecurities... to avoid being present with the truth of our reality so we wouldn't have to admit to our part in creating a mess or a stress out of our lives.

I'll admit it... I am a former Queen of Illusion. If there was a lie to be told about relationships and love, I told it to myself just so I could stay in a 15-year relationship 14 years too long. I have on ocassion, let myself feel like a victim to what was happening around me, and I have at times so wanted to make something the other person's fault, completely. But about 5 years ago I took a vow that changed my life ... that I would be 100% honest with myself always, uncompromising, unwavering self-honestly. I took that promise because I learned one really important LIFE TRUTH...


If we want the lives we say we really want... then we have no choice but to be honest - all the time.

What Stops Us from Being Honest... Why Do We Want to Lie To ME?
What I learned was that it wasn't the truth that I was afraid of, it was the consequences to admitting or sharing that truth that scared the daylights out of me. I lied to myself about my relationship because if I was honest, that meant I would have to leave him. And the hard truth was, I was afraid to be alone. The woman from Oregon who said she never ever wanted to get married, told herself that lie, because she was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I listen to my clients tell themselves lies like "I'm not good enough to be a published author. I don't have this degree so I will never be successful."

Those are lies too! And we cannot afford to tell ourselves lies any longer! If you really want the life you say you do then you MUST get downright real with yourself about everything in your life! And that is my challenge to us all this week on our adventure to self-love.


DARE:  Find at least one lie that you are telling yourself about who you are, about your life situation, or about your current life choices and CHANGE IT from a lie to the TRUTH!

Now since you are lying to yourself it might be hard to discover this lie, so be bold and ask someone who knows you really well, "In what ways do you think I am lying to myself - about me, about my relationships, my career, my finances, etc."  Pick someone you trust and give them permission to be 100% honest with you, promising them that you won't get mad at them and that you really do want to know. When you have convinced them that it is safe (and if you aren't doing any promising here, you probably aren't going to get a very deep answer), shut up and listen. Take in what they say, don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, just listen. After they finish simply say "Thank You for being so honest." And then if you can share from your heart about how their insight is affecting what you see in yourself, share. Like "Wow, you know, I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, etc. because .... " If you can't share from your heart, just stick with the THANK YOU and mull over what they had to say on your own, using it to find your truth.

Notes from the Self-Love Train...
Inspiration From My Portland Trip


This past Sunday I spent four hours with 12 women in Portland, Oregon -- the first ever Choosing ME before WE Book Club Chat. I anticipated that it would be an afternoon well spent, what I got was so much more. Of course there was wine, cheese, and conversation... but there was also laughter, tears and healing. I knew we would laugh and share stories, that is what we do when we get together as women, right? But what struck me most, what always strikes me most when I sit with a group of women, is the deep healing that can come when two or more of us get together and just witness each others truth. We didn't have to solve each others problems, we didn't have to figure anything out, we just had to sit there and listen, through the tears and the honest to goodness, damn-straight truth, and give witness to this and this woman's story, who of course was so similar to my own. Our stories are really not so different - different men, women and details, but the underpining storyline - same.

Although we talked about so much that day, the one thing that really struck my heart was the story of "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself" that I heard over and over again - different details, same story. And it reminded me of how many times I have faced that myself... and how the only way through it was through it, with love for myself.

ME LOVE MESSAGE TO SELF:   I FORGIVE YOU!

There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. I know for me, it took me only a year to forgive my ex-person - who was a real jerk to me -- and it took me 5 years to forgive myself. 5 years to forgive ME for putting myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, for compromising what I really wanted to keep him in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing him, for begging this man to love me, for loving a man even after he spit in my face, for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.

When I heard these same stories - different details - in Portland, it reminded me how important it is for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them, -- especially when it's in front of other women -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! What a load is lifted and WOW! how much more free she is!

Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admiting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side. So I guess in a way there is a magic pill - self-love. And there is a magic pathway -- doing it with other women as witnesses, because every time we show our pain, let it go and let the love in, we do the same for the women watching.

One book that really helped me was little book called The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello. That book saved my life. Check it out... http://tinyurl.com/mstpdt

And another that I found years later that has great stuff is Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.  And just cuz i like threes, you can also find some great ideas for amping that ME-Love affair up by downloading the free Madly in Love with ME Guide at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Notes from the ME-Love Train -  Chicago & Mothers Day

Eight days in Chicago. Four media appearances. Three business meetings. Two speaking engagements. Two parties. Three friend dinners. Enough to keep two people busy, for way more than eight days. And plenty of 'work' to deserve a break at least one of the days that I was in Chicago. Even God rested on the 7th day right? But he wasn't a woman. And he wasn't a woman of the 21st century, born with a pair of genes that I call with both affection and despair, the Achievement Junkie gene and the Doing Addict gene. I've got them both. And chances are that if you are a woman between the ages of 0 and 100 you have them too. We've handed down these genes from generation to generation of women for centuries, like a good set of china. The problem is that unlike pretty china, these genes don't just come out for special occasions. These genes run our lives, 24/7.

My mother was a doing addict, still is. She can't sit still. Can't stop working until she has 'worked' hard enough to merit resting time. Growing up she was our full time mother, she worked full time in a big corporate building, ran a girl scout troop, ran a side business, cooked our food, sewed our clothes and fixed up our lake cottage on the weekends she was supposed to be 'resting'. I am the product of a doing addict, another generation of women doomed to feel that I either must be 'doing' all the time or feel guilty for not doing something. Even after 7 years of working to change this gene in me, it's still there. This last week in Chicago I found it virtually impossible to take one day for myself, to just relax. The universe had to actually make me sick with a sore throat (threatening my ability to speak the following day, which got my attention) to get me to stop. This was extremely ironic considering I was speaking to a group of women about the exact thing I was suffering from - the inability to take care of myself, sans guilt. But we teach what we are here to learn, and I learn more about self-love everyday.

I really don't know who is to blame for this self destructive gene that makes it hard for me to relax (it is physically painful,) to find value in just 'being', and to believe that I am enough right now without accomplishing anything else. I can't really blame my mother, she got it from her mother, and she from her mother and on and on. And I figure since I already have guilt, I sure as heck don't need blame too. So this Mother's Day, I am giving back by Doing Addict gene, again. Since I can't actually return it to a store like I could a set of china, I've decided to put my feminine super power, creativity, to use so that I can at the very least, get this gene regulated. It's time for some Doing Addict Therapy! Now, I realize that some of my therapy tactics may look like doing behavior, and it's because I've learned that the best way to get my Doing Addict under control is to get her on my side, working for me not against me. If you are a fellow Doing Addict, I invite you to try these out too:

Doing Addict Therapy

• Become a fantastic relaxer.  "I am a great relaxer, practicing many different forms of doing nothing." No TV, no crackberry. Now I am not going to sit and stare at the walls, that is painful and not relaxing for me. What I am going to do is find what relaxes me and then do that. I've been practicing with reading fiction books. It takes me to a different world and totally relaxes me. What relaxes you?
  
• Pick a sacred time when NO work can be done. "I set time each week that is just for me." I call it Goddess Sunday, and from the time I wake up until noon I do nothing that involves achieving anything. No talking about work, check lists or house work. Just me, a latte and the goddess. Maybe a book, magazine, or a talk with my guy. But no work on Goddess Sundays until noon. When is your sacred time?
  
• Have FUN with my friends, not work, not problem solving, FUN. "I have play dates with my friends when we just have FUN." I like to think of being 15 again and what we did for fun. Walk in the rain, listen to music, talk about movie stars, watch ridiculous movies, eat ice cream, drink wine (well maybe that's different). I've become much too serious with my friends - a side affect of the doing addict gene - and I am committed to laughing and being girls. When is your next play day? 

For more self-love ideas, you can download the Madly in Love with ME self-love starter kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I don't think personal happiness can be bought. I believe it is found in the simple things in life. One of my favorite things to do is go out and run/walk the Chicago lakefront. I find a sense of serenity and inner peace looking at the water. I love putting on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air on a crisp morning and clearing my mind with my iPod. I love hitting the lake after work during the summer and watching the lake change colors. The best part is that it doesn't cost a thing and I get a little more exercise in my day!

I find happiness is a bubble bath after a long day of work or weekend activities. Nothing beats great smelling bubble bath and candles, it gives me time to connect with me and my feelings. I like the water because it has the ability to melt away stresses from the day and let me relax. When I go to take a bath, the Blackberry doesn't come in the bathroom, it is truly me time. 

I believe in taking a few minutes out of my day to mediate, pray, or practice yoga. It allows me time to build a stronger connection with me on the inside. Finding time for this can be tough, and I don't do it every day, but at least a couple times a week. You can mediate or pray just about anywhere, in the car, in bed, sitting outside, or in the bedroom before bed.

Another activity that doesn't cost a thing is calling a friend or family member and talking. It gives me time to reconnect with people in my life. I can call them from just about anywhere with cell phones these days. Taking 15 minutes to connect with someone you haven't talked to in a long time, can be healing for the soul.

Happiness can be found in many activities, which don't cost a thing. I believe finding things, which don't cost a thing make me explore the possibilities of the world around me. If you take a step back and really check how you spend, you might realize that happiness doesn't cost a dime. It is in the moments where you can take a few minutes and connect with you!

         

Jenn, age 36, says:

I tend to feel my happiest when I feel free, am enjoying the company of someone close to me, and letting the flow of the moment dictate our journey. I went for a bike ride with a friend around Coronado Island (San Diego) one afternoon recently. Although unspoken, we approached it like an adventure with no set agenda. Our first stop was the beach where we pulled out a beach volleyball to practice hitting and bumping. Then through a shift in imagination, the volleyball morphed into a soccer ball, and we took turns playing goalie between two volleyball net posts. Eventually the game became who could kick the ball closest to our backpacks (I won!). We snacked on some fruit and then hopped back on our bikes to ride to the other end of the island to overlook the harbor and downtown skyline. We posed for funny photos with our camera. I did cartwheels in the grass. We made up stories about the tourists around us. It was an amazing afternoon of laughter and adventure and connection - and it was so easy.

Something else that is easy and free but brings me great pleasure is reading a book that is both intellectually challenging (whether professionally or personally) and entertaining. A friend recently let me borrow the book "The Female Brain," about gender/sexual hormonal and neuroscience research. Every chance I get to read to a few pages just lights me up. The other day I was able to settle in for a bit of reading, with a mug of blueberry green tea, curled up on my shag rug in a shaft of sunlight, learning and growing. Later that evening, while leading a free group discussion about sexual empowerment, I was integrating and sharing my new knowledge to the benefit of others. I get such a buzz off of being fascinated with new information that is relevant to my passion and work, being able to integrate it into what I already know, and then applying it to guide myself and others through our sexual and intimacy journeys. I think I'm kind of a dork that way, but it makes me so happy and excited!



Debba, age forty-something, says:

What have you done to be happier that has not cost a dime.

James Taylor sings: "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

It's been exactly a year since I quit corporate America to follow my dream and build my business (www.girlfriendology.com). With a freelance writer as a husband, that change meant no more paychecks or provided insurance. To be honest, it's been a tough year but I am proud to say we're just as happy as we were before - and maybe a bit more appreciative. All in all, we've enjoyed the passage of time and it's been great.

These are just a few things that have changed in the past year with a positive impact on my overall happiness:

• We rarely eat out. Fortunately my husband is a great cook and loves making all the meals. (Yes, I'm a dang lucky girl.) While I miss the social aspect of going to a restaurant, I believe I make healthier choices and save money - and we often have great conversations in our own dining room.
• I don't shop. Admittedly I miss it, I do. But, not that much. It simplifies my life. I don't have as much 'stuff' to clean, put away, or manage.  And, the cheap jacket and leggings (my sole clothing purchases in the past 12 months) have proven to me that I take for granted all my belongings.
• I spend time with my friends. My girlfriends and I walk and talk together. We meet for coffee every Friday (at a place where we get free coffee!). Instead of going out to lunch, my girlfriend Becky and I meet with a bag lunch or go to a park. My girlfriend Judi and I walk laps and talk through our business challenges.
• The gifts I give are either hand-made or are presents of time together. I don't need more 'stuff' and neither do my friends, so we spend time together or I share a necklace or card that I made.

Life's about the simple things - love, friends, family, health, time together. It's about passing time together. That makes me happy



Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Perhaps the subtitle for this blog could be: Where do you find your joy? This is a very timely blog for me. This past year I've really been taking a look at what brings me joy and reconnecting with those people, places or things that have given me joy in the past.

To preface, I left my husband of almost 30 years in 2007, and our divorce was finalized in 2008. So this past year has been about reinventing me. I did all the outer things one would do at a time like this. Moved, bought new furniture and necessities, severed outdated friendships, cultivated new ones, supported my teenage daughter in working through her emotions about this lifestyle change, and came to peace with my decision. All of that was necessary and helpful, but when all was said and done, I felt something was missing.

I recently realized that one of the reasons I left a very long, and generally very happy marriage, was I had lost my joy. It doesn't cost a dime to find that joy again. Happiness can mean different things to different people. For me, I find that directing my attention on what is working in my life now, instead of looking at what didn't work then (ie, a failed marriage), brings the delight and thrill of living into reality. I am charmed by the smile on my cat's face. What? You don't think cats smile? I am sure they do! I enjoy the sound of peals of laughter from my daughter and her friends as they play a silly card game in the other room. My heart is filled with bliss when I play my favorite music on my iPod as I take my morning walk. If I ever feel myself slipping back into feeling sorry for myself, I call a friend. Being interested in what is happening in another person's life is very uplifting for me. This doesn't mean I have to do anything. I don't have to fix this person or take on whatever their issues are, but to have a friend means you have to be a friend. Friendship is a great source of joy for me. Finally, I am grateful. Living a life of gratitude brings me much happiness. Give it a try.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37

Olive, Age 13, says:

The whole concept of breaking up with friends at my age is a little unrealistic. Yes I have been broken up with but it was more just hints. They gave them, I read them, I found new friends.

One experience I had is I tried to break up with a friend that just kept letting me down. Eventually she was making me laugh again and I was remembering all of those fun memories we had together and I just decided we could still be friends but we wouldn't be quite as close as we once were.

A problem with telling a girl that you don't want to be their friend any more is that they usually just try to be your friend even more. They change themselves, become clingy, etc. and then you just don't want to be their friend even more. This is what leads to hints. For the most part, hints just don't work because most girls just can't read them. What does work? Growing apart. For girls my age breaking up with a friend usually has to do with change so what ends up happening is you hang out less and less and you simply grow apart.

So I wonder, can you really break up with a friend and can you really stay best friends as you go through change?


Christine, age 37, says:

I have had women in my life who I thought we were soul sisters, the kind that are forever friends, only to realize that even 'soul sisters' break up. During our friendship if you had told me there would be a 'break up' I would have said, "You're crazy. No way!" These are the women who help put me back together when my entire life fell apart at the age of 30... they are the women I helped put back together during their divorces, miscarriages and career disasters... they are the women who I had walk beside me when I got married... and they are women who I consider my family.

I have "lost" at least three of these 'soul sisters' in the past five years. Each time one left my life, it felt (and hurt) like a breakup with a guy. The same questions played over and over in my head... "Why can't we talk about this and make things right?" "Why doesn't she want to be friends anymore?" "Does this mean that we weren't really soul sisters?" Sometimes I got mad and conjured up thoughts like "Screw her! If she can't be real with me, I don't want to be friends with her." But when I was real about my own feelings... when I let myself drift into a memory or look at a photo of us, I was really just plain old S-A-D. I missed them. Honestly, I still miss them. But what's a girl to do? You can only reach out so many times until you realize, "Hey, maybe this relationship has run its course. I have to let go or I am going to make myself miserable."

Here's what I wish. I am not naïve enough to think that all friendships should last forever. But I do think that some of the ones we lose could stay if we were willing to be more honest with each other. I do have soul sisters who I have been friends with for over 10 years, and I know that we will be friends for a very long time. Why? Because we are real with each other. When it gets hard, when a feeling gets hurt or an expectation or need isn't being met, we go deeper with each other. We stay. We don't disappear, avoid phone calls, or send that "it's been nice to know you hallmark like" email. We meet each other as sisters, as friends and as two women who really realize how precious our relationship is. And to be honest, that is what my expectation is for a forever friend. That is my truth. And to be doubly honest, I am still working on the reality that not all 'soul sisters' will be forever friends. That is my heart.


Linda, age 60, says:

As it is in all relationships, being a forever-friend requires almost as much commitment as a marriage. I have three girlfriends who have been part of my life for over 40 years. When I think about the element that is different in these relationships compared to others who have come and gone in my life, it always comes back to love.

As simplistic as that may sound, it is the one emotion that is always present when we think about or speak to each other. Each of these friendships was developed when we were in our teens and early twenties. We blossomed as women together, raised children together, leaned on each other for support, cried together through our sad and painful moments, and laughed through our wild and happy times. The foundation was strong.

As we moved into our thirties and the marriages were ending and the children were growing, our lives took us in different directions. Back to work, back to school, back to the country... and the times we were apart were greater than the times we spent together. Months would go by before one of us realized that we hadn't spoken. All it took was a phone call and it was as if no time had passed. We kept each other informed of our changes and stayed current with each other's lives. We couldn't bear the thought of being a "yesterday friend"... not with someone who knew our history and the paths we had traveled. Not with someone we loved so much.

As I was writing this, I looked to the plaque hanging on my wall... "Friends are the family we choose." These women have been my soul sisters and they continue to be even now. Our friendships have lasted all of these years because we give each other room to grow and to change and to walk down whatever path we choose. We delight in each other's achievements and grieve with each other's heartaches. These aren't transient friendships based on selfish needs. These are the friendships that last a lifetime... the very best kind!

I love you K, D & A!!

Olive, age 13 says:

Overall, there would be a lot of things that I would change about relationships with other girls. I would change how friends communicate with each other and then just how we act towards other girls. A lot of times I find that when one friend has a problem with another friend all they will do is talk about the other person. If you are mad or just annoyed with a friend you should just try to talk to them about it. I do this with one of my friends. Whenever I have a problem with her, I try my best to tell her, and then she tells me some things that have been bugging her. Doing this helps build happier and stronger relationships with your girlfriends.

Something very special about girls is that most of us can tell when someone is gossiping about us, or when someone just doesn't like this. Of course, this leads to problems. For most of us, it makes us mad which then usually leads to more gossiping and disliking so then the circle continues. The fact is, just because you don't like the way someone looks or the way they act doesn't mean that you have to put them down. If this whole circle didn't happen imagine how much fun we would all have together! In my case, at dances we could ALL dance in a big circle together and laugh together and then we could have a friendly relationship with everyone.

Most girls seem to be naturally catty, so for the most part; we just have to tolerate it and just ignore it. Talking about your feelings to someone is a great start because doing this builds trust. It allows you to have better relationships with almost everyone because then when someone is mad at you they know that they can talk to you and that you'll understand. Just remember that if you don't like someone that doesn't mean that you have to hurt their feelings.

NOTE: When talking to someone about a problem you have with them, be sure not to be too personal and don't blame it on them. For example: If you're annoyed that your running buddy is slow, you can't just say "You're too slow" instead maybe you could say, "I've noticed that we're not quite at the same pace so maybe we could do a little bit of training this month."


Christine, age 37, says:

When I was 30 years old, I went to my first "retreat" a.k.a a weekend hanging out with 25 other women trying to improve their lives. It was my maiden voyage into spending three whole days with only women. Truth be told, I had always been one of those girls whose friends were 90% of the boy variety. Only a very few women were allowed in. Unbeknownst to me when I signed up, this retreat would be the start of that percentage shifting the other way. On the day before returning to the "real world" I had a serious "a-ha" or what I have come to call an "epiphanette," not quite the magnitude of a full-blown epiphany but still very significant.

My epiphanette on this feminine-filled weekend was this: I judged other women all the time. I was a walking judgment machine, whether it was the pretty girl walking down the street who was skinner than me - "She must be a catty, stuck up snob" -- or the girl at work who got promoted quicker than me when it was clear (to me) that I was much smarter - "She must have done 'something' to get ahead."

What I finally realized was that these judgments had been keeping me separate from other women all my life. They had set up a me vs. her dynamic and because of that I was missing out on the deep satisfaction that comes from being truly connected to other women. What I started to understand was I had no idea who these "other women" really were. What did I actually know about that pretty girl walking down the street? Maybe her grandmother had just died or maybe she was in a bad relationship. What did I really know about this chick at work? Maybe her lack of self-esteem caused her to over perform or maybe she really did deserve the promotion. These were the thoughts that the epiphanette brought to me... and it changed how I viewed other women forever.

I gave up judging other women that weekend and instead started looking at each of them for the human beings that they were - full of hopes, dreams and fears just like me. It didn't mean that I started liking every woman I met. But I no longer saw them as the enemy or drew a quick judgment to make myself better or to make her seem like less.

And that is what I would like to change about the relationships we have with women - to stop judging each other and to start seeing each other for the real people we are inside. My hope is that we can stop pitting ourselves against each other and start realizing how much we have in common. My challenge to all of us girls is to step up and choose to offer our open hands to each other instead of our nasty fangs.


Linda, age 60, says:

Oh, the joy of being the "older woman!" Age has taught me something wonderful about my girlfriends... we are who we are. In the years when I was learning about myself as a woman, I chose to only trust and appreciate women who thought and acted as myself. Now I love my women friends for all of our differences as well as our similarities, and that makes the relationships so much more authentic. And that's where it is with my friends.

On another level, I'm also dealing with women in business as well as the community at large. And this is where my attitude changes. It's interesting for me to notice how less apt I am to be generous with my tolerance, and how much more quickly I make judgments about the women I encounter on this level. I'm definitely more guarded with this group; it even feels different as I write. Outwardly, I give the appearance of being my true self but inwardly I know that I'm measuring exactly how much of myself I want to reveal.

Sister Friends: warm & fuzzy

Business Acquaintances: calculating & guarded

My Aha! moment came as I was rewriting this entry in thinking about why I approach my business associates in a less-than-authentic manner. There's a part of me that feels vulnerable when interacting with people I don't know well. Yet, when I think about what my friends love most about me, it's my warmth, trustworthiness and genuine self that draws me to them. What if this perceived vulnerability was just an illusion? I'm a strong woman. It takes more than gale force winds to knock me over. I'm going to give that a try this week. Just be Me. I'll let you know how it goes.