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When you get down to what separates great, long-lasting partnerships from ones that start with the best intentions but fizzle out over time, there are a few very basic rules and behaviors that while seemingly common sense, most people don't have a clue how to go about.

One of the most vital is HONESTY. When life is smooth, honesty is easy. It's when the bumps come up that the temptation to fib, to disguise or avoid the truth seem like the simplest path. But over time, little lies  build to bigger lies and resentment - neither of which you want hanging around your relationship.

Especially with the holiday's coming up, you could find yourself in all kinds of sticky situations that take your peace on earth and turn it into a whopping fight.

Here are some simple ways to make sure you keep Money Peace flowing in your relationships this holiday season:

Say You...
•    Spend a chunk of change without consulting your partner
•    Blow the budget you both agreed to
•    Put something on credit when you've agreed you are paying off your debt

What NOT to Do...
1.    Hide the bill and pray he/she never finds out.  
2.    Feel guilty, wait for them to figure it out and beg for forgiveness.
3.    Sneak your misdemeanor into another conversation or get to them while they are busy or distracted.
4.    Fess up but slough it off as not a big deal, you'll find the money somewhere, after the holidays!

To Create Money Peace...

1.    Admit to yourself that you acted outside of the agreements you had with your partner. You have to accept responsibility with yourself that your action was outside of either a stated or implied agreement (we always recommend having explicit agreements about money choices.) Face the music. Say out loud to yourself, "I chose to XX and I know that my action was outside of our agreements / expectations of each other." And then take a deep breath (don't skip the breath, it's important to releasing your own emotions!) Coming clean with yourself will feel good and erase some of the guilt or apprehension. You can't be honest with your partner if you aren't first honest with yourself.  

2.    Plainly and succinctly take responsibility with your partner and then tell them the facts.  This is not the time to go into some long story to justify your actions. Just own what you did, not with guilt but with honesty. First, ask for his/her attention to talk about something important. Second, state that you broke an agreement. And third, tell them the specifics. "Joe, I broke our agreement about making big purchases without talking to you about it. I bought XX today for $XX." Then shut up.

3.    Let your partner react. Before you get to the "Why" (which in your mind may either have been a good or bad reason) your partner will need to have their emotional response. Seriously, it's the least you can do. Your job is just to listen. Let them have whatever feeling they have. Don't try and defend yourself, unless you want to create a fight. This is also not the time to explain why. Just listen. If in your partner's reaction, they ask why, include your response as part of step four, after you own it. (Note to Partner... You are allowed to honestly react but not to bludgeon, scream, attack, tear apart or try and make your partner - who is trying to be honest with you -- feel guilty or ashamed. You can be angry but you still owe this person your respect and unconditional love. Be angry at the action, not the person... and DON'T take it personally, their action was not a personal attack on you.)

4.    Own your action again, apologize for breaking the agreement and then, finally, you can share... not your defense but your heart.  Your simple response is, "You are right. I acted outside of our agreement. I am sorry." Let that apology land. Then take a breath and say, "I'd like to share why I made this decision..." and then share with them, from your heart what motivated you to make the choice to spend money this way. Be vulnerable. Do not get defensive. Do not bring up any of their actions from the past to throw in their face. Remember, the two of you are on the same side, and have committed to helping each other be the best people you can be.

5.    Create Conscious Next Steps.
i.    Discuss the "Now what?" Come to agreement on how you manage any financial stress this may cause, and work together to make it work.
ii.    Create an agreement or modify the previous one. Converse about what really works for you both and talk about it until you both feel really good.
iii.    State your agreed to expectations out loud. This will make sure there is no confusion, and will eliminate the need for any secrets.

And my favorite last step to this whole process...

Pinky Swear on your agreement and then seal it with a smooch!


SPECIAL WAY TO AMP UP YOUR MONEY PEACE...
Keeping the Money Peace isn't always easy, but it is doable when you have the right mindset and some simple Money Zen skills of your own. To amp up your Money Zen skills, check out a MONEY PEACE POW WOW between Christine Arylo and her Money Dream Team - a spiritual minister, a Harvard PhD Economist, a serial entrepreneur and a MBA former financial analyst.  Anyone can listen and discover how to kick money fear out of your relationship and your life.  GO HERE TO ACCESS THE CALL 

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I don't think personal happiness can be bought. I believe it is found in the simple things in life. One of my favorite things to do is go out and run/walk the Chicago lakefront. I find a sense of serenity and inner peace looking at the water. I love putting on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air on a crisp morning and clearing my mind with my iPod. I love hitting the lake after work during the summer and watching the lake change colors. The best part is that it doesn't cost a thing and I get a little more exercise in my day!

I find happiness is a bubble bath after a long day of work or weekend activities. Nothing beats great smelling bubble bath and candles, it gives me time to connect with me and my feelings. I like the water because it has the ability to melt away stresses from the day and let me relax. When I go to take a bath, the Blackberry doesn't come in the bathroom, it is truly me time. 

I believe in taking a few minutes out of my day to mediate, pray, or practice yoga. It allows me time to build a stronger connection with me on the inside. Finding time for this can be tough, and I don't do it every day, but at least a couple times a week. You can mediate or pray just about anywhere, in the car, in bed, sitting outside, or in the bedroom before bed.

Another activity that doesn't cost a thing is calling a friend or family member and talking. It gives me time to reconnect with people in my life. I can call them from just about anywhere with cell phones these days. Taking 15 minutes to connect with someone you haven't talked to in a long time, can be healing for the soul.

Happiness can be found in many activities, which don't cost a thing. I believe finding things, which don't cost a thing make me explore the possibilities of the world around me. If you take a step back and really check how you spend, you might realize that happiness doesn't cost a dime. It is in the moments where you can take a few minutes and connect with you!

         

Jenn, age 36, says:

I tend to feel my happiest when I feel free, am enjoying the company of someone close to me, and letting the flow of the moment dictate our journey. I went for a bike ride with a friend around Coronado Island (San Diego) one afternoon recently. Although unspoken, we approached it like an adventure with no set agenda. Our first stop was the beach where we pulled out a beach volleyball to practice hitting and bumping. Then through a shift in imagination, the volleyball morphed into a soccer ball, and we took turns playing goalie between two volleyball net posts. Eventually the game became who could kick the ball closest to our backpacks (I won!). We snacked on some fruit and then hopped back on our bikes to ride to the other end of the island to overlook the harbor and downtown skyline. We posed for funny photos with our camera. I did cartwheels in the grass. We made up stories about the tourists around us. It was an amazing afternoon of laughter and adventure and connection - and it was so easy.

Something else that is easy and free but brings me great pleasure is reading a book that is both intellectually challenging (whether professionally or personally) and entertaining. A friend recently let me borrow the book "The Female Brain," about gender/sexual hormonal and neuroscience research. Every chance I get to read to a few pages just lights me up. The other day I was able to settle in for a bit of reading, with a mug of blueberry green tea, curled up on my shag rug in a shaft of sunlight, learning and growing. Later that evening, while leading a free group discussion about sexual empowerment, I was integrating and sharing my new knowledge to the benefit of others. I get such a buzz off of being fascinated with new information that is relevant to my passion and work, being able to integrate it into what I already know, and then applying it to guide myself and others through our sexual and intimacy journeys. I think I'm kind of a dork that way, but it makes me so happy and excited!



Debba, age forty-something, says:

What have you done to be happier that has not cost a dime.

James Taylor sings: "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

It's been exactly a year since I quit corporate America to follow my dream and build my business (www.girlfriendology.com). With a freelance writer as a husband, that change meant no more paychecks or provided insurance. To be honest, it's been a tough year but I am proud to say we're just as happy as we were before - and maybe a bit more appreciative. All in all, we've enjoyed the passage of time and it's been great.

These are just a few things that have changed in the past year with a positive impact on my overall happiness:

• We rarely eat out. Fortunately my husband is a great cook and loves making all the meals. (Yes, I'm a dang lucky girl.) While I miss the social aspect of going to a restaurant, I believe I make healthier choices and save money - and we often have great conversations in our own dining room.
• I don't shop. Admittedly I miss it, I do. But, not that much. It simplifies my life. I don't have as much 'stuff' to clean, put away, or manage.  And, the cheap jacket and leggings (my sole clothing purchases in the past 12 months) have proven to me that I take for granted all my belongings.
• I spend time with my friends. My girlfriends and I walk and talk together. We meet for coffee every Friday (at a place where we get free coffee!). Instead of going out to lunch, my girlfriend Becky and I meet with a bag lunch or go to a park. My girlfriend Judi and I walk laps and talk through our business challenges.
• The gifts I give are either hand-made or are presents of time together. I don't need more 'stuff' and neither do my friends, so we spend time together or I share a necklace or card that I made.

Life's about the simple things - love, friends, family, health, time together. It's about passing time together. That makes me happy



Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Perhaps the subtitle for this blog could be: Where do you find your joy? This is a very timely blog for me. This past year I've really been taking a look at what brings me joy and reconnecting with those people, places or things that have given me joy in the past.

To preface, I left my husband of almost 30 years in 2007, and our divorce was finalized in 2008. So this past year has been about reinventing me. I did all the outer things one would do at a time like this. Moved, bought new furniture and necessities, severed outdated friendships, cultivated new ones, supported my teenage daughter in working through her emotions about this lifestyle change, and came to peace with my decision. All of that was necessary and helpful, but when all was said and done, I felt something was missing.

I recently realized that one of the reasons I left a very long, and generally very happy marriage, was I had lost my joy. It doesn't cost a dime to find that joy again. Happiness can mean different things to different people. For me, I find that directing my attention on what is working in my life now, instead of looking at what didn't work then (ie, a failed marriage), brings the delight and thrill of living into reality. I am charmed by the smile on my cat's face. What? You don't think cats smile? I am sure they do! I enjoy the sound of peals of laughter from my daughter and her friends as they play a silly card game in the other room. My heart is filled with bliss when I play my favorite music on my iPod as I take my morning walk. If I ever feel myself slipping back into feeling sorry for myself, I call a friend. Being interested in what is happening in another person's life is very uplifting for me. This doesn't mean I have to do anything. I don't have to fix this person or take on whatever their issues are, but to have a friend means you have to be a friend. Friendship is a great source of joy for me. Finally, I am grateful. Living a life of gratitude brings me much happiness. Give it a try.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
The ups and downs of Wall Street, foreclosures across the country, and people getting laid off every day. These are the immediate issues about today that come to mind. The bad comes to mind first. It is hard to be optimistic when the media is playing up the downfall. How can we not think about the doom and gloom when it is constantly brought up on the news, websites, and in conversation? Times are scary and having it be compared to the next great depression is hard to hear, especially being in my 20s when my career is just beginning and I am supposed to be saving for my future. Having friends, who have been laid off is another hard reality facing me during this crazy economic time. We have been doing activities that don't cost as much money, like working-out outside, having spa nights in, and bringing wine over and watching a movie together. I find these nights can be even more fun than going out. We have time to talk about real issues, hang out in sweats, and enjoy one another's company.

The time is also filled with exciting possibilities for the future. I believe my generation is learning hard lessons about how the past affects the future in ways we can't always be prepared for. The ups and downs we are experiencing at a young age will prepare us for our lives. We will be more aware about our future spending and savings which are important values that can get lost while trying to 'keep up with the Jones'. I hope we become a generation of spenders who make smart decisions about how we spend our money.

Being in the 20s age range, gives me reason to think we can make smart decisions about investing in our future and save for our families. I find it invigorating to think about making smart investments in my future as a young adult. I think this experience is bringing out true human kindness in individuals as well. People are reaching out and helping one another with small acts of kindness. I think the recession is renewing the American spirit. We are in a time where change has been coming and I think there will be positive light at the end of this time. My hope is we pull through the tough economy and grow stronger as a nation and as a generation of young women!!
         

Jenn, age 36, says:

Crazy economy? Creative economy!

The hardest thing for me is to stay in an "abundance" mentality and not slip back into a "scarcity" mentality. As an entrepreneur and a graduate student for many years before that, I'm used to bootstrapping it, and being very frugal in my spending. But I realized that the energy that I bring to this frugality is very important. If I feel like I can't buy something I think I need, I feel deprived. Then I feel like my life and the world is a scary place where I need to hold on tight and cannot be trusting. If I switch to appreciating what I do have, and knowing that the universe is abundant and I can be creative in how I get my desires fulfilled, then I feel more choices with my spending. With so much panic around the economy, it is more difficult to stay calm and trusting, but I experience so much freedom and lightness when I make that shift. For me this also translates into trusting in the value of my services and my ability to add happiness and fulfillment to the world through my career.

An exciting aspect of our current economic state is the buzz of tapping into creativity. Since I work as a Relationship & Intimacy Doctor, I joke that my field (of assisting in happier and healthier sex lives) is perfect right now, because what's more important in a down economy than our loving relationships -- and sex is free!  There's a serious part of this though, and I mean "sex" in a big picture way of appreciating our sensuality and intimate connections. I think it is exciting to have even more of an impetus to think outside the box and be creative in how we share our time with others in ways that appreciates our deep connections.  I'm lucky that San Diego is particularly great for this because there are so many free outdoor activities and adventures all year round. It's exciting to me to realize anew how much joy and fun is always available for little to no cost, whether alone or with others. Just two nights ago instead of dining out with my new beau, I whipped up a simple pasta meal, salad, and some Trader Joe's wine, and we had a sunset picnic at the beach. Fabulous!


Debba, age 40-something, says:

Women are more stressed out over the economy than men The 2008 Stress in America findings indicated that. (http://tinyurl.com/women-stress) Part of this is our nature to be 'tenders.' We take care of our families and communities so we stress for ourselves as well as our children and loved ones. (See "The Tending Instinct," by Shelley E. Taylor for more info.)

That's the hard part of this economy. Women are stressed - and stress affects us in a lot of not-so-good ways - we can't sleep, gain weight, make poor decisions in our eating and drinking, and often find other vices to help cover up our feelings. These all impact our emotions, decision making and our outlook on life.  And, generally, these negative factors have a way of combining to make de-stressing a challenge.

On the upside, there are ways we can combat the stress brought on by the financial situation. Female friendship makes us healthier, happier, live longer, feel more beautiful AND LESS STRESSED. By spending time with our girlfriends, we actually lower our stress. The enzymes released for stress decrease when we laugh with our friends, share conversations and share our lives.

You know what I'm talking about! Get together with your friends and very quickly your cares and worries fade and are replaced with happiness and the joy that comes from being in the company of friends who love you just the way you are. Laughter, hugs and the compassion of friends makes us happier and healthier - it's a great bonus of female friendship.

Stressed over the economy? Call up your favorite female friends. Get the girls together and don't talk about the economy - just hang out. Life's better (and less stressful) together with your girlfriends!I'm on vacation and pontificating, and will be getting back to you on my ideas!


Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Regarding the economy and all the fear that has been out there in the media about it lately, I'd say for me the hardest thing has been to not listen to it. Let's face it, for most of us, the internet and modern technology have enslaved us. We are so use to having everything in our lives faster, louder and funnier (okay that last part is a reality in my world, maybe not everyone else's!). Fast cars, microwave dinners, instant messaging, twitter, iPhones and Blackberries make up our world. We are connected instantly, if we wish to be. The same with the way we receive our local and global news. At any hour of the day or night, you can turn on the TV and get the latest "news". When the bank failures, unemployment numbers, and stock market panics occurred last year, it was a bit tough to not acknowledge that this was in fact a reality we needed to face. As hopeless as we may have felt, what I think is most exciting is that we can each do something about this reality as it relates to us in our lives.

We are not victims. I believe that we are the only thinkers in our mind. Last time I checked, no one else was in there doing the thinking or making the decisions for me. Maybe there was at one time. Perhaps I let my parents, teachers, bosses and friends tell me how to live my life. But not any more! We have the power to guide our life in any way we choose. I choose not be a reactor, but instead to be proactive in my life. So I am excited about making smarter choices with my money. I looked at the crazy economy news as a welcome wakeup call. My daughter and I rarely eat out any more. Instead we take the time to cook at home, which has resulted in much healthier eating habits, and saves us lots of dough (no pun intended). Instead of joining a gym, I walk a mile every day. That costs me nothing! People I believe are being more prudent with their investments and looking for interesting ways to buy the things they need (the big 3: food, clothes and shelter). Bargain hunting can be and is fun! I also feel confident that our new President is doing everything he can to stabilize the economy and with everyone doing what they can in their world this year, whatever that might be that works for them, the word economy will not be such a supercharged word by years end.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37