March 2010: Monthly Archives

 
 

Recently in Motherhood Category

In honor of Women's History Month, I have to out myself.  As an educated mba from one of the best educations in the country, I have been ignorant to the truth of our history as women. Sure, I know the facts... but that is not the same as knowing, or feeling, the reality. What I learned in history class didn't come close to telling me the truth of what women have endured just in the last century, let alone the last three hundred, or two thousand years. I got the same scrubbed down version of history that you did -- unless you were a feminine studies major -- straight from the lips of a patriarchal society.  Oh, women couldn't vote, so there was this suffrage movement and now they can. Oh, there was this thing called Roe vs Wade that made abortion legal. Oh, women were burned at the stake during this thing called the Inquisition. And yes, there was this other thing called the Feminist Movement that created equal rights. None of those were more than a few pages in any of my history books, how about yours?

And my female relatives growing up didn't make me any wiser about the reality either. They came from the school of "that's just how things were," not the "you need to know these historical realities as a woman because we never want to forget where we come from, and what has been given by the women before us." They didn't make it part of their job as women to pass down the stories of women from generation to generation... and that is a big loss. One that I know after this weekend, I will not repeat.

This weekend -- at the age of 39 -- I finally got WISE! Sitting with 500 women in a hotel ballroom in Los Angeles at the Sister Giant conference, I tapped into and felt in my cells our lineage as women and I felt my heart ache, my eyes well up with tears, and my courage lift as I watched three movies that put me in awe at the bravery and hardships of what generations of women before me have faced. 

I say 'tapped into' because as I sat there in that room, it wasn't just the 500 women that were there, it was also the 500 generations of women that have lived before invisibly sitting in the seats. While I couldn't see them with my eyes, I felt them with every fiber of my being. I say 'felt in my cells' because I experienced the facts that used to sit in my head about women's rights, witch burnings, transform themselves from ideas to human realities. When you see a woman being forced fed with the use of a tube up her nose and a metal device being shoved in her mouth to part her lips and make her eat, suddenly the facts become about a person, they become very human, and your heart receives a message it's not likely to forget -- nor should it.

I let myself be affected this weekend by these films -- something that I am not sure we always do. Our hearts are so closed off in our society, going about our busy busy lives. But to be affected is truly an act of love, both for the self, and for others.

If you are a woman, see these films, and if you know young women watch these with her, tell her this same history.  We are visual beings... and I Imagine the world would be much different if we sat and watched movies like this together vs. chatted mindlessly about the problems of the Housewives of Orange County.


Iron Jawed Angels
You can vote, you know that. But did you know that women were arrested, beaten, forced fed with tubes up their noses and tortured with the use of iron jaws to open their mouths and force them to eat when they called a hunger strike? Hilary Swank and Angelica Houston rock in this movie that made me cry, cringe and shout with joy.
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The Burning Times
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It's estimated between 1million and 9 million people were burned, tortured and killed during the Inquisition -- 85% of them women -- in an effort to stamp out the goddess and pagan traditions and replace them with the controlling patriarchal structures. You can watch this 20 minute movie on You Tube.







Pray the Devil Back to Hell
 
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You might have heard the prophecy that it will be women that change the world. You've most likely heard that the fierceness of a mother protecting her child is like no other. These women of Liberia prove them both. They stopped a war torn country from fighting because they said "ENOUGH! No more war. We want peace." If women with 'no money' can stop a country from killing each other, what the heck are we capable of?"










I am on board for educating myself as much as I can. If you have other movies or books or DVDs that you think every woman should see, please post it on our Madly in love with ME facebook page. Understanding our history as women is part of accepting and loving who we are. I know I gained great perspective from these films... it's a lot easier for me to love myself and be compassionate when I consider I've never had a feeding tube forcibly stuck up my nose while being detained in a jail against bogus charges.




Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38

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There are lots of questions I have asked my mother that for some reason or another she has not been able to answer. I either get the "I can't remember" answer or the kind of blank stare with a less than satisfying response. So honestly, I have stopped asking questions that require her to divulge anything that is too personal or too 'deep.' And I've accepted that our relationship and the conversations we have will remain at the surface.

So in the perfect world with the perfect relationship - which of course doesn't really exist, what would I ask this mother figure of mine? Well I think of some of the questions I did ask my grandmother that allowed me to create a loving, intimate bond with her during the last six years of her life. I asked her questions about her... "What was it like growing up during the depression?"  "Why did you marry Grandpa?" "Tell me about you and Grandpa dancing at big dance halls?" "What did you never do that you always wanted?" She would always answer my questions, and sometimes the answers would be, "I don't know Christine, that is just how life was back then." And I began to realize that this woman was a unique person with her own dreams and desires AND she was also the product of her generation of women. And even though she worked full time, was a divorced mother in the early 1950s when you just didn't leave your husband, supported her mother, and wasn't afraid to share her opinions, she also believed that you did what your husband wanted to do... that you played it safe financially... and that it was the woman's job to worry about her family. Of course some of her choices made me crazy!! But her answers also endeared me to her, because she was honest, and in that honesty I got to know not only the wonderful woman that was my grandmother, but I also got to understand an entire generation of women.

She was part of the inspiration that led me to start this blog and Girltalk... that we may understand each other as women first so that we can heal ourselves, our world and live the lives we were meant to live.

Christine Arylo is an inspirational catalyst for women and founder of Madly in Love with ME http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

   

Olive, age 14, says:
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Unlike most kids, I can talk to my\mother about anything. It doesn't always go down well if she finds out that i was on the computer instead of doing homework but then at least I've told her the truth. I find though that my case is very rare.

First of all, most kids "hate" their parents. Some of them do have good reasons but I don't have any reasons to hate my parents. They feed me, love me, support me, put a roof over my head, etc. I just don't have a good reason.

My parents give me a lot of freedom which is what most parents don't give their kids. This is a main reason why kids "hate" their parents. If the parents don't let them go and take public transportation by themselves or at least with a friend it is only telling the child that "I am way to protective over you" and/or "I don't trust you". Some parents could argue that they are just doing this because they are just protecting you but if you protect your kid too much, when they go off to college they will be scared out of their minds! Can you imagine if your parents NEVER let you just go and hang out with your friends even at a safe place like a mall? They would be so un-independent! We risk our lives everyday and it's important to let your kids take a few risks too otherwise they will end up scared, alone, and afraid. That doesn't really sound like fun, does it?


Janet, age 24, says:

janetbrace.jpgI have always wanted to have a very real conversation about her life experiences when she was in her 20s. My mom has taught me to live with no regrets, but I want to hear about what she would have done differently and when she had the best times. I would love to know what her advice would be to herself in her 20s. We have talked about her college experience and the way she lived her life, but I want to know how decisions she made in her 20s have shaped her life 30 years later. She is my best friend and confidant, and I know her 20s were filled with many ups and downs because of the way she talks about that time of her life. I want to know what moments in her life were difficult for her and how it shaped her. My mom has so much strength and hearing about her life experience gives me an insight as to how her life has taken shape.

I find my 20s have been filled with many challenges that I couldn't anticipate which make life even more fun! Some have been easier than others to get through, but my mom has always been there with sound advice to help me. She doesn't have to reference a specific time of her 20s, but I think her advice stems from her experience. When I am having a tough time with my brothers, she talks to me about her relationships with her brothers during that time of her life. The wisdom she shares is invaluable to me.

Another questions I haven't asked my mom is how she became such a great parent. I would love to know what life experiences have helped to shape her parenting skills. As a stay at home mom, she has raised 4 children with strong values, opinions, and independence. My brothers and I know we can always call her to talk about anything. My mom taught us how to walk with our heads high and stay true to ourselves. My childhood was filled with great memories of being with her at home, running errands, and great vacations. She really did it all for us and made sure we all happy. I admire the way my mom has always stayed true to herself. She is always following her dreams; because of her I have always followed mine.



Jenn, age 36jen_g.jpg, says:

I am very grateful that I have a close relationship with my mother (who lives in PA). I share a lot with her, am authentic, and ask the questions that are valuable to know.  And with the recent passing of my grandmother, my mother and I have had even more deep conversations about family, death, beliefs, and purpose. 

My parents are incredibly supportive of my unique work in the field of sex education and intimacy counseling.  Even when I started a women's sex toy company a few years ago, my mom took it in stride and asked if I offered a senior citizen discount for her and my dad (which, incidentally, she thought was hysterical, while it made me cringe ☺).

My mom means the world to me.Three years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a month later underwent a double mastectomy. It was such a terrifying experience, but remarkably she kept an amazing positive attitude throughout and continues to be healthy and thrive.  We are always learning from each other, sharing our successes and crying over the fearful aspects of life.  My biggest fear is losing my mother. I don't know that my mother knows that. 

It's important to me to not compartmentalize my life and not have different facades depending on whether I'm interacting with friends, clients, lovers, family, or students. My career is my passion. My life is my passion. I wear my emotions and vulnerabilities on my sleeve. I never want to feel that I have to hide certain aspects of myself because they will be judged or not accepted.  Oddly enough, with all the outright affection and nurturing between my mother and I, we don't end phone conversations with an "I love you." I know my mother knows how deeply I love and cherish her, but I guess this is a good reminder that it never hurts to be explicit with the depth of our feelings.

Dr. Jenn is the founder of Dr. Jenns Den at http://www.drjennsden.com/
 

Anne, age 42, says:
anne.jpgThe one question I have always wanted to ask my mother is why did she marry my dad? Over the years, I've gotten some interesting responses to say the least. Such as "because he was the one" or "we had so much fun together" or my personal favorite, "because he was ready." I have a feeling the real
answer has yet to reveal itself.

What I think is that at the time my mother got married, she didn't feel like waiting was an option. She was 19 when they first started talking about it and in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1964, that's just what you did. I am sure she loved my dad, very sure. Unfortunately, she didn't feel she could make a decision that started with her. I don't think she has regrets, but I think
her psyche could accommodate gray.

For me, marriage is a dicey subject. I waited and explored and still did not
end up with a good situation. I wonder how my daughters will decide what is
best for them.

Anne Wagner is a writer, branding expert and the founder of NovaStoria' http://www.novastoria.com


Shelley, age 5
shelley_a.jpg0-something, says:

Believe it or not, the one thing I never asked my mother for was advice on how to have a healthy romantic relationship. Until recently, I was married for 30 years. So, on the surface it appears that I figured this one out - at least for 30 years. But not really!

My parents just celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary. I truly believe they are a happy couple but when I was growing up I thought what I was observing was a not-so-happy couple. What I didn't understand at the time was that couples disagree. It's part of life. If everyone agreed on everything it would be a boring world! I think youth is wasted on the young. As I got older, my parents got wiser and so did I. But I never felt comfortable enough in my own skin when I was younger to muster up the courage to ask my mom how to keep the man in my life happy. Or how to be happy myself.

When I was a newlywed and my husband and I had our first argument, I remember wanting to rush to the phone and call mommy. I didn't do it. Something stopped me from taking that vulnerable moment and allowing my mother and her wisdom in to soothe me and comfort me. I think I got the "I can take care of myself" gene from her, actually. You might say we've both been stubborn. Once I got married, letting our hair down and being real with each other rarely happened. I found "extended family" to do that with over the years.  But I feel I missed a golden opportunity to connect with her for all those years in that heart centered way.

So much water is under the bridge now, there's no need for me to think about what could've been. That's a waste of energy. What I do know is that both she and my dad love me, and I love them. If you are musing over something you want to talk to you mother about, or reveal to her, go for it. I wish I had all those years ago.


Shelley Anderson is a celebrity personal assistant, and the author of the book and blog http://www.dealingwithdivas.com

 
 
 
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Photographs of Christine Arylo by Karina Marie Diaz.
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