Three weeks into dating my current
husband, Noah, he looked at me and said, 'Christine, I don't know
what is going to happen between the two of us, but you have to raise
your standards for men.
"You can't like a guy because
he's nice to you. He's supposed to be nice to you."
"Whaaaaaat???" My head cocked to
the side and I looked at Noah like he had just told me my parents
were really aliens from Mars. How did I - super smart and
successful woman - not know this? Of course, my logical brain was
aware that people should be nice to you, but deep down, I had no
clue.
Based on my experience of men, I had
come to expect men to be hypercritical, verbally abusive, angry for
no good reason, self-centered, and controlling. Deep down, I didn't
believe that men cared about 'relationships,' intimacy and being
loved. And so, I, and most of my girlfriends, dated what we expected,
and ended up unhappy. Or if a "good guy" did come along, we tried
to get rid of him for 'being too nice." We say we want one thing,
but then we attract and hang onto something quite different.
That day, I made myself a promise that
I would follow these three "Happy Rules" when it came to my love
life, that way I'd never forget again that my relationships are
supposed to make me happy, not stressed out, crazy or sad.
THE 3 HAPPY LOVE LIFE
RULES:
If your guy or gal isn't
nice to you, then they don't deserve you.You
deserve unconditional love and respect, and you must demand it in
your relationships, or the relationship has to end (friendships
included!) The catch is that you can't get what you don't give
yourself, which means you have to give unconditional love and
respect to yourself and others if you want it in return.
Don't settle for less than
your heart and soul desire for your life, even if it means ending a
relationship.Pick a partner who helps you reach your
dreams and be the best you possible. When looking for a relationship
or deciding if the one you have is right for you, ask yourself
first, "What are my dreams for my life?" Then ask, "What kind
of partnership do I want to support me in that life?" and then you
can ask, "So who would that person be?" ME. WE. HE. In that
order. Choose ME before WE. This is your ticket to life, live it for
yourself first, and you'll be more likely to find and keep a mate
that is happy to be on the ride with you. Better to go solo than to
have someone dragging your life ship down.
Take a vow to Be Honest With
Yourself - NO MATTER WHAT!And engage the help of
friends when you can't get to honesty on your own. Take this
self-love dare: Hold an "Honesty Hearing." Say to them, "I
need your help on getting honest with myself. You can be totally
honest and I won't get mad. How do you see me lying to myself
about XX relationship?" Just listen. You can ask questions, but
you cannot comment back or engage in a debate. After they are done,
say "Thank You." Ask yourself, "What is the consequence of
admitting the truth?" Let that sink in and then make a commitment
to take at least one action that addresses this truth.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
people how to put their most important partnership first, the one
with themselves, so that they can create the love and life their
hearts and souls crave. The popular author of Choosing ME
before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com,
Arylo is known as the "Queen of Self-Love." She created Madly in
Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated
to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the
world. Check out her free Self-Love Kit at www.ChooseSelfLove.com
A woman who owns her vulnerability understands that to be vulnerable is not weak, but instead is one of the strongest powers she possesses. For it is by being vulnerable that she allows herself to be seen by another as her truest and most innocent self. She can put the epicenter of her own self love on display - and by doing so invites the other to do the same.
Because she can open herself to be seen so deeply, this woman has the ability to receive love from another. When a woman is closed and protected, love cannot get in, no matter how much she wants it. It is only when a woman allows her heart to open that she has the capacity to receive love. How much love depends on how open her heart is, or in other words, how big her love quotient is. As she expands her love quotient, so does the love expand in her life. A woman who stands in the power of her vulnerability has the capacity to accept and give love freely, unafraid that anything can or will be taken away from her. She knows that when she is truly open no one can take love from her. She is unafraid to show the raw, real feelings that live inside her soul. She knows that they may not be received by everyone, however she does not let that stop her from sharing herself. She is smart in who she chooses to be vulnerable with, but she is not shrewd in her selection as that would close off her heart.
She knows that her expression of vulnerability can open up the heart of another, inviting them to show their raw and real self in return. She understands that this is one of the most potent powers of vulnerability - the ability to open up hearts, both hers and everyone her power touches.
Because she is comfortable yielding her vulnerability, she always steps forward in love. She hugs big and freely. She trusts big and freely. She shares truthfully and freely. She is unafraid to cry, to tell the truth, to appear weak, to be wrong. Even if she knows she may get hurt, she believes it worth the risk.
This is a woman who understands that she cannot expect what she cannot give. So if it is intimacy she wants, she must be willing to create it herself. Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. One cannot access intimacy without vulnerability. This woman understands that, as she takes responsibility for creating safe spaces in her relationships.
She is unafraid to ask for or show the way to her partner to create this vulnerability. She is willing to be both student and teacher, as long as they both lean in and experiment together.
She is capable of sharing her raw feelings. Of admitting her weaknesses and fears. Of taking responsibility for her behaviors, no matter how hard they are to admit. And she does so without blaming, criticizing or passing judgment. She does so with an open heart, in spite of the fact that she may be afraid to do so.
What is your powerful definition of Vulnerability?
This Love Dare is one of the weekly love dares participants of the 40-day Fear Cleanse have taken... they loved it so much, and I love it so much that I wanted to share it with ALL of you! Enjoy!!
Step 1: Schedule or spontaneously decide to go on an adventure to collect LOVE! 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour or an entire day. Step 2: Use all of your senses to find evidence of love everywhere -- see, smell, taste, feel, and hear it. Literally breathe love in, take note of loving exchanges between others, taste love in your food, smell love in a flower, hear love in a song or in a compliment you receive, feel love when you take a moment to hug your dog or do anything that opens your heart.
Step 3: Actually collect the love - Throughout the day, using all your senses, seek out evidence of love, and collect it. You must capture this evidence of love somewhere, either by writing it down, taking a picture of it, sharing it with your social network, recording it on a voice recorder, whatever makes you happy. Pick your collection device of choice - a small pocket-sized notebook, a digital device you can write on, post it notes, or a camera you can snap pictures with.
Keep the awareness as much as possible during your day-to-day interactions.
Look for love even in the challenging moments.
Be alert for spontaneous acts of love. Take a love collecting field trip during lunch or in the late afternoon.
When you can't take physical notes, take a mental note, by pausing in the moment, noticing the love and storing the event away in your mind and heart as evidence that love exists everywhere.
BONUS DOUBLE DARE.... Share your evidence of love with us right here on the blog, or if you have a photo you can share, post it to our Madly in Love with ME facebook site
How
to be honest with your partner and come out alive ... and more loved.
By
Christine Arylo & Noah Martin, love intelligence experts
When
you get down to what separates great, long-lasting partnerships from
ones that start with the best intentions but fizzle out over time,
there are a few very basic rules and behaviors that while seemingly
common sense, most people don't have a clue about. The truth is
that we can all use a boost in our E.L.Q. ... our emotional
intelligence when it comes to navigating the waves of our most
intimate love relationships (a.k.a. your Emotional Love Quotient.)
One
of the most vital components of keeping and growing a POWERFUL,
LOVING, and FUN partnership is HONESTY. When life is smooth, honesty
is easy. It's when the bumps come up that the temptation to fib, to
disguise or avoid the truth seem like the simplest path. But over
time, little lies build to bigger lies and resentment - neither of
which you want hanging around your relationship.
One
of the most fertile grounds for secrecy between two people is money.
We call these 'sticky situations' and we've listed a few of the
most common. We've also included the most dangerous but often used
'emotionally-stunted' responses... DO NOT try these at home! On
the flip side, we've outlined for you the high E.L.Q. response, one
we've used in our own partnership to transform financially sticky
situations into deeper connection, a better understanding of
ourselves, and more love.
Sticky
Situation:
You've
spent a chunk of change without consulting your partner
You've
blown the budget you both agreed to
You've
put something on credit when you've agreed you are paying off your
debt
Emotionally
Stunted Responses:
Hide
the bill and pray he/she never finds out.
Feel
guilty, wait for them to figure it out and beg for forgiveness.
Sneak
your misdemeanor into another conversation or get to them while they
are busy or distracted.
Fess
up but slough it off as not a big deal, you'll find the money
somewhere.
High
E.L.Q. Response:
Admit
to yourself that you acted outside of the agreements you had with
your partner. You have to accept responsibility with yourself
that your action was outside of either a stated or implied agreement
(we always recommend having explicit agreements about money
choices.) But even if you didn't have an explicit agreement, you
knew what your partner expected. So face the music. Say out loud to
yourself, "I chose to XX and I know that my action was outside of
our agreements / expectations of each other." And then take a deep
breath (don't skip the breath, it's important to releasing your
own emotions!) Coming clean with yourself will feel good and erase
some of the guilt or apprehension. You can't be honest with your
partner if you aren't first honest with yourself.
Plainly
and succinctly take responsibility with your partner and then tell
them the facts. This is not the time to go into some long story
to justify your actions. Just own what you did, not with guilt but
with honesty. First, ask for his/her attention to talk about
something important. Second, state that you broke an agreement. And
third, tell them the specifics. "Joe, I broke our agreement about
making big purchases without talking to you about it. I bought XX
today for $XX." Then shut up.
Let
your partner react. Before you get to the "Why" (which in
your mind may either have been a good or bad reason) your partner
will need to have their emotional response. Seriously, it's the
least you can do. Your job is just to listen. Let them have whatever
feeling they have. Don't try and defend yourself, unless you want
to create a fight. This is also not the time to explain why. Just
listen. If in your partner's reaction, they ask why, include your
response as part of step four, after you own it. (Note to
Partner... you are responsible for your own E.L.Q. too. You are
allowed to honestly react but not to bludgeon, scream, attack, tear
apart or try and make your partner - who is trying to be honest
with you -- feel guilty or ashamed. You can be angry but you still
owe this person your respect and unconditional love. Be angry at the
action, not the person... and DON'T take it personally, their
action was not a personal attack on you.)
Own
your action again, apologize for breaking the agreement and then,
finally, you can share... not your defense but your heart. Your
simple response is, "You are right. I acted outside of our
agreement. I am sorry." Let that apology land. Then take a breath
and say, "I'd like to share why I made this decision..." and
then share with them, from your heart what motivated you to make the
choice to spend money this way. Be vulnerable. Do not get defensive.
Do not bring up any of their actions from the past to throw in their
face. Remember, the two of you are on the same side, and have
committed to helping each other be the best people you can be.
Create
Conscious Next Steps.
Discuss
the "Now what?" Come to agreement on how you manage any
financial stress this may cause, and work together to make it
work.
Create
an agreement or modify the previous one. Converse about what
really works for you both and talk about it until you both feel
really good.
State
your agreed to expectations out loud. This will make sure
there is no confusion, and will eliminate the need for any
secrets.
And
our favorite last step to this whole process...
Pinky
Swear on your agreement and then seal it with a smooch!
Christine
Arylo and Noah Martin met
in Chicago, married in San Francisco, and after 10-years of hanging
out building lives, a business and a loving partnership together,
still have the kind of relationship most people only dream about.
Their simple, fun and practical approaches to love and relationships
have been featured on ABC-TV and on stages across the country with
audiences of all ages. Arylo is the popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, The Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love
and Noah is a trained hypnotherapist and relationship coach. Visit
www.mebeforewe.com.
3 ways to feel super loved even when
your relationship is ending
Most of us have been
trained to believe that when a relationship ends, we lose the love of
the person who we once felt so loved by. This belief is an instant
misery-creating lie that is simply not true. The truth is, love is
impossible to lose. Yes, you feel pain because of this breakup, but
not because you've lost your former person's love. You hurt
because endings of any kind are sad. You hurt because you have lost
the dream of what could have been. You hurt because the loss stirs up
your own fears and past pains. You hurt because there is an empty
space in your life that wasn't there before, a space that you've
been told is the loss of love, but it's not.
The space you feel is an
opening for more love to come into your life - starting with the
love you have for yourself, and then expanding to include all the
love that the world is just salivating to give you. Love is
everywhere, when you are open to receiving it, and when you know
where to look. Opening to love can be hard during a breakup, but I
know no better medicine than love for mending a bruised or broken
heart.
If you are interested in
taking yourself off the pain train and moving into a space where you
can honor your sadness and at the same time feel more love, happiness
and possibility, then read on and put these three Love-Generators to
work for you:
LOVE GENERATORS
1. Tell yourself the
truth. You are not losing love. You are ending a relationship.
Do yourself a BIG favor
and be honest about why your relationship ended, and don't make it
about love.
Love is an easy excuse
when you don't want to be real about why your breakup is necessary
to stay true to the most important partner in your life ... you.
Love is indestructible. It
may get masked or deeply buried under feelings of anger and
disappointment, but even in the most gnarly circumstances, love never
disappears, it just goes into hiding.
Relationships are dynamic,
they are always changing form, and sometimes in order to be happy,
two people have to go their separate ways - which has nothing to do
with love. Relationships end not because the love dies, but because
the intimacy, trust, respect or connection fades, because the
contract with each other completes, or because you each want and need
different things from life. Not all relationships are meant to 'be
forever,' if they were, you'd never meet anyone new.
Make a list of all the
reasons why the ending of this relationship is GOOD for you,
necessary for you to live the life you were destined to live. Then,
take an act of self-love and state the reasons out loud. Self-honesty
is self-love.
Know this. You are loved.
Always. And that love, starts and end with you. It's ridiculous to
give the power of feeling loved away to another, when you have the
power to feel loved at will inside of yourself.
2. Mourn the loss of
the dream, not of the person. And remember your dream didn't die.
We often cause ourselves
more pain than needed during a breakup because we misplace our
mourning energy and end up grieving more than we need. We've
already established that the love lives on, so you can take "loss
of love" off your mourning list. You can also take off 'grieving
the loss of my ex-person' - because they are not dead, they just
aren't sleeping next to you anymore. What is dying and important to
grieve is the loss of the DREAM you had for this relationship. Your
hopes, intentions and co-created dreams came to a crashing halt when
the choice was made to end the partnership, and the loss of those
dreams is where much of the pain lies. But when you aren't clear
that's it's the lost dream you are mourning, you get all caught
up in trying to change and control things you can't.
So be sad. Get angry. Move
into acceptance and surrender that this particular dream is gone. But
don't stay stuck there. Keep your mind out of dramatic thoughts
like "My relationship is over!" or "I'll be alone forever!"
or "What if he finds someone else and loves her more?" Thoughts
like these create unnecessary pain - kind of like poking your
tongue into fresh dental work. Ouch! It hurts. Don't do it.
Move your focus from what
you can't control - bringing the old dream back - and dive into
what you can, reconnecting with the dream you have for your life! The
ending of one dream means the beginning of another, and you still
have the power to dream forward the life your heart and soul want.
When you dream yourself
forward, you create more love in your life because you are telling
yourself that you are worth dreaming for. And you are. Yes, the dream
of your former relationship may have ended, but your dreams for
yourself didn't, so why would you give up on yourself? If you
aren't dreaming yourself forward, who will? Love yourself enough to
move towards your dreams.
3. Find proof that love
exists everywhere. Fill your life with love.
While you might not be
receiving the oodles of physical love you once did from your former
mate, he/she is not the only love source on the planet. The worst
thing you can do during a breakup is starve yourself from love...
that is the surest way to get your Inner Mean Girl all riled up with
rants like, "You'll never be loved again." Which of course, is
a straight up lie.
The best thing you can do
for yourself is to find proof of love and fill your life with it. You
live on a planet that is abundantly full of love - it's
everywhere - and it's your job to see it, ask for it, and let it
in. The more love you surround yourself with, the more love you will
feel, and the easier this transition will be for you.
Here is your shopping
list of love generators. Put the list up somewhere you can see it,
and make sure each week you are getting your fill.
Connection.
Connection creates love. Be with people who
love you. Not to talk about 'the relationship' or fix you but
just to be with. Walk. Snuggle. Play. Let them love on you.
Smiles. Show
those pearly whites to anyone you can - baristas, strangers, the
person sitting next to you on the bus - and when they smile back,
let the love in. When they don't - and some won't - smile
anyway and send them love. A great way to feel love is to give it.
Music. No
sappy love songs, only inspiring, uplifting music for you. Turn it
on, dance it out. This is an instant way to turn your obsessive mind
off and open your heart to love. India Arie is my fave.
Animals and
Children. Like instant shots of love, hug a
puppy, look into the eyes of a baby, pet a kitty, and just feel
their innocence and love permeate your cells.
Self-Love. Do
nice things for yourself. Take yourself on dates. Do the things you
love. Take a risk. Remind yourself of why you love you. Make an
I-Love-ME list - 108 reasons why you love you. Keep it in your
purse, and on hard days, read it to yourself. Instant love.
About Christine Arylo
Popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Lovewww.mebeforewe.comChristine has been called the Queen of Self
Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in
all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the
country, in the top spas and retreat centers in the world, and in
colleges and corporations throughout America. She is the founder of
Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which
includes a FREE self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual
school where women go to transform their self-sabotaging voices into
self-empowering ones.
The secret to finding more love than
loss in your breakup
Without a doubt, breakups are sad. They
always include pain, even in the most agreeable splits. Pain is part
of the deal, but the struggle, drama and misery are totally optional.
In this article I am not going to tell you the secrets to avoiding
pain all together. That would just make me a liar and a bad friend.
Because the truth is that if you don't feel your pain, it will
still be there, lurking in the darkness, waiting to pounce on you at
some unanticipated, and usually unfortunate, moment (do you really
want mascara and tears streaming down your face in the grocery line?)
Or worse, throwing you into so-not-good-for-you relationships and
activities - such as the rebound date or cocktail binge that seemed
like a good idea before you realized that while they numbed the pain
for a while, more pain just came later.
Yes, you do need to mourn the loss of
the relationship... because something has died. But, you do not need
to wrapped yourself up in the uber painful belief that somehow this
ending equals a loss of love. That line of thinking only leads to one
place, the pit of misery. The truth is that you haven't lost love.
Love is indestructible, when you remember where to find it.
As a woman who has experienced the
devastating blow of a breakup of a 15-year relationship two hours
before her engagement party (ouch!), I can share with you the real
secret to breaking through to happiness and hope after a breakup:
Self-Love. It's always there. No one can take it from you. And it's
free. The biggest difference between people who blossom from the
experience of breakup and the people who just keep making the same
mistakes or never move on is the anchor point they choose. Do you
anchor in pain and the other person or do you keep yourself anchored
into self-love so that even on the 'bad' days you can pull
yourself forward out of the muck and into happiness and hope.
It's your choice as to whether you
want to touch the pain or live in it. Whether you want to transform
through this experience or regress because of it. The people I've
seen - including myself - who have transformed themselves because
of a breakup into a person who is even more true to who they are,
and therefore have created more love not less - took these 7
daring acts of self-love. I invite you to do the same:
Turn your focus and energy from
the other person to yourself. Stop reaching out to him or her for
love, and instead reach inside you for love.
Remember that yes, while there are
no longer two people in this relationship, there is still one, and
you are not going anywhere.
Realize that this breakup, while a
loss of connection, is not a loss of love.
Know that there is an abundance of
love in the world for you. Surround yourself with healthy love, a
lot!
Remember you are never alone. In
the moments when you feel lonely, remember you have you.
Remember that you are going
forward, you are not being left behind. Something in YOU is pulling
YOU forward into something new. Keep an eye on what that something
is, and move towards it.
Be completely honest with
yourself, no matter what. No story telling and no illusions. It is a
deep act of self-love to have unwavering honesty with yourself.
Most of all, remember that loss of any
kind is hard, so be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Love
yourself extra. Reach out and ask for love - in a healthy way -
often. Get hugged. And be with your feelings. It is possible to feel
both loss and happiness at the same time. Your loss does not define
you. Love defines you.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
women how to love themselves. She is the popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and
Love www.mebeforewe.com.
Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love
with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), and a free
Self-Love kit dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for
women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
When I first met my husband Noah ten years ago, if you had met me, you would have thought to yourself, "Now here is a smart woman. She's getting her m.b.a., great job, confident. Here is a woman with tons of self esteem." And you would have been right. That was all true. Which is why what I am about to tell you is even more shocking.
By our third date, Noah was so taken aback by my big reactions towards his small acts of kindness, that he felt compelled to take me by the hands and say to me, "Christine, I don't know what is going to happen between the two of us, but regardless, you have to raise your standards for men. You can't like a man because he is nice to you. He is SUPPOSED to be nice to you!"
What??? My M.B.A. brain reeled in total confusion as if Noah had just proven to me that the world was actually flat. In all my 30+ years I had never considered the fact that the minimum bar of acceptance was a man who was nice to me. And like a time-stamped rolodex, my brain reeled back to all the not-so-nice behavior I had endured, experienced, and come to expect.
So yes, it was true, I was a mentally intelligent woman, but I was emotionally retarded. And as I looked around at many of my friends, I noticed a definite trend. Beautiful and well-liked women with successful careers who constantly chose men that didn't treat them with the unconditional respect and love they craved and deserved. Which, of course, just like me, made them chase them, want them, and change for them more.
Yes, we all had smarts. What we were missing was self-love.
What we didn't know was:
Unconditional Love and Respect in Your Relationships is NOT an Upgrade.
It's a Must.
While we all knew that we could do the job, get the grades and build the career, what we had failed to see was that unconditional love and respect was where our expectation bar for men should be sitting, and that in order to do that, we had to be able to give that same unconditional love and respect to ourselves.
Fortunately for me when I had this epiphany, I was three months into my now ten year journey of self-love, so I really took a step back and asked myself, 'How did I get to the age of 30 before I realized that men were supposed to be nice to me?' and 'What can I do to make sure I never sell myself short again?'
From one smart woman to another, who finally did learn to love herself, here is what I discovered:
3 reasons why we expect men to not be nice:
Bad training. If you were lucky, your mother told you to expect men to be nice to you, or you were out of there. My mother, like most, never made it around to that talk. Not because she had some sick desire for me to suffer, she just didn't know this fact herself. Ignorance and tolerance are like bad family heirlooms passed down generation to generation. The good news is that you have the power to break the cycle whenever you choose.
Set points were set with immature boys not good men. Our first experiences with the opposite sex in regards to the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic are set on the playground, playing out adult dramas in totally childlike ways. One minute he's your boyfriend. Next, he's spitting spitballs at you. This continues through high school and college, so your brain creates set points that say this is the normal state to allow. Problem is, "spit balls" don't feel any better at the age of 27 or 37 than they did when you were 8
Bad examples, everywhere. From the movies, tv shows, music and internet, it's a constant barrage of men being jackasses. This is bad rap for men, and bad input for you. Subconsciously your brain stores bad as normal (92% of the images you see go right around your conscious thoughts into your subconscious). Add your own personal experience of men - from family, friends and strangers - and you could see how your subconscious brain could form all kinds of thoughts you had no idea were there.
So What Do You Do? Choose Self-Love.
All of the bad programmings and low expectations can be reversed and avoided by changing one thing - your relationship to yourself. The truth is that every relationship you have is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. If you don't have unconditional love and respect for yourself, there is no way that you can expect it from someone else, which is quite often why you will settle for less.
In my book Choosing ME before WE, I talk about the 5-vows of self-love every woman must make with herself first, before she can have a loving relationship with another. Here are two of those vows. I invite you to take it and keep it, and honor the most important relationship you'll ever have - the one with you.
Self Love Promises:
I honor myself.
I never settle for less than my heart and soul desire.
All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live my dreams, or I don't have them.
I give unconditional love and respect, and I expect it in return.
This doesn't mean that all of your relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect and love you desire. Unconditional love and respect go both ways. It also doesn't mean that you go cutting people out of your life without taking a good deep look at what you want from your relationships, what part you play in creating that relationship dynamic, and then taking steps to transform, let go or grow the relationships you currently have so that EVERY SINGLE ONE reflects that same unconditional love and respect you have for yourself.
Self-love requires that you choose me before we in every relationship, which is not about being a self-centered, narcissistic, its-all-about-me kind of person. What choosing me before we means is that because you have made a commitment to create what your heart and soul desire, you don't have space in your life for relationships that drag you down, hold you back, create negative ju ju feelings (like shame, guilt, self doubt) or take more energy than they give.
You are a beautiful woman. Be nice to yourself. And believe you are worth being nice to.
About Christine Arylo Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches women how to love themselves. A recovering achievement junkie and doing addict, Arylo is the co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School and the popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com. Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
Few of us would deny that self-love is a good idea. Could you imagine
telling a child, "Hey you, don't love yourself, that's selfish."
Of course not. And chances are that if asked, "Do you love
yourself?" most people would say, "Yes, of course I do," when
in fact the majority of us don't really have a clue what self-love
actually means, or requires.
This lack of understanding about self-love isn't surprising when you
consider that the current definition of self-love on dictionary.com
is 'conceit, vanity and narcissism' (no kidding!) Or when you
look at the pressures today's woman faces, equal to men in many
ways, knowing she can do anything, but exhausted by her attempts to
do and be everything.
As an independent, self-confident women with tons of self-esteem, I sure
thought I had self-love, until I found myself at the age of 30 almost
marrying Mr. Wrong because I was afraid to be alone. Add on how much
I hated my cellulite and called myself fat (I am a size 8), beat
myself up for everything that I didn't accomplish (I have my MBA
from one of the best business schools in the country), and drove
myself to exhaustion because 'resting' made me feel guilty, and I
had to stop and ask myself, "While I might have self-esteem, I am
surely missing something." And that something was self-love.
My definition of self-love is quite different than the dictionary.com
version - and it boils down to this: Do you have unconditional love
and respect for yourself? A big question for sure. Self-love can feel
so intangible and vast to attain, but there is a path, there are
milestones - I've experienced at least 5 of them myself over the
past 10 years. I call these milestones the gates of self-love. And
you can use them to see where you have load of self love and where
you don't.
In honor of this February 13th, the international day of self love, I've created The Self Love Test to give you insight on where you are ready to grow more self love. My self-love dare to you is that on Feb 13th, you choose one gate of self-love and make that the gate you focus on this year. You can learn more about each gate as well as the vows and
hows of self-love in the free self-love kit at www.ChooseSelfLove.com For now, take this test and as you read about each gate, ask yourself, have I already passed through to the other side, or am I
still climbing my way up to new levels of self-love here? Then ask yourself, "If I was to choose one area of self-love to grow in 2011, what would that be?" Dare to choose self-love.
The 5 Gates of Self-Love
Gate #1: I know who I am and what I want from this life.
This is the first factor to loving yourself, because if you don't know who
you are, how can you love that person? Most of us go through life
doing what we think we are supposed to do and be, influenced by the
society around us. These experiences and people form our beliefs,
attitudes, and perceptions, until the day we realize that how we
really feel and think is different. While you will continue to learn
about yourself forever, self-love requires that a. You make a choice to live self-aware, b. You know you want from your life and you are not settling for less
than your heart and soul desire. c. You know who you are NOT, as well as who you are. d. You have healed your emotional gapers.
Gate #2: All of my relationships support me to be my best me and to live
the life I want, or I don't have them. This can be one of the hardest milestones, because it means setting boundaries and being honest about your relationships. It requires honoring yourself SO much that you only have relationships in your
life - friendships, romantic partners, even relatives - that give respect, trust, unconditional love and truth. You love and honor yourself so deeply that all relationships in your life make your life better, help you reach your dreams and be a better you. This doesn't
mean that the relationships are perfect, void of difficulty, or that you are absolved of giving the same respect you desire. What it does require is that you choose me before we in every relationship - let go of ones that don't serve you, change ones that have the potential to grow, and open up to let new ones come in.
Gate #3: My body is my temple. I recently took part in a survey in which 78% of women admitted that the thing they were hardest on themselves about was their body. Not a shocker, but sad. Let's face it, we are all guilty of body hate and what I call 'body slavery' - treating your body like a drive-me-til-I-drop workhorse, ignoring her needs completely. For me like I said, it was my cellulite. "Every time I sat down wearing
shorts it screamed at me, 'Here I am! Look at me!' After being tortured by it for years, I did a self-love practice of loving my cellulite. Every day, I told it, "I love you." I meditated daily,
visualizing my cellulite pockets being filled up with love. Today, I can't tell you if I have any less of it, but I do know that I very rarely notice it. And when I do, while I may not like my cellulite, I can love it. Its appearance now motivates me to walk more, instead of
hating my body for having it. Self-love requires that when you notice something about your body you don't like you choose love vs hate. Self-love also means shifting your relationship to your body from her being in servitude to you to you being grateful for this beautiful temple you get to inhabit while on this earth.
Gate #4: I am nice to myself. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. In fact, if the outside world could hear the thoughts inside your head, they
would call the authorities. Every woman has an Inner Mean Girl inside of her spewing out rants like, "You are not enough. You should be able to get more done in a day. You
don't belong." She compares your worst to everyone else's best. Some call her the
inner critic, but she is way more personal than that! As part of your self-love journey, your job is to love this Inner Mean Girl to death, so that instead of hurting you with her self-sabotaging thoughts and habits, she can help you see how beautiful, powerful and whole you are right now, just because you are you.
Gate #5: I can and do take care of me without the guilt or burden. It's like we have a DNA pattern that says take care of everyone else before you take care of you, and if we try to buck that pattern by actually taking care of ourselves, we can't help but feel guilty or like we should be doing something more productive. This self-love milestone means being able to say, "Yes... I make self care a must, not a nice to do... I take care of me without feeling guilt... I meditate, relax, or take a walk and see it as productive time vs
wasting time. I am aware of what I need, I am make sure I receive it.
A new kind of self-love expert, Christine Arylo takes a fresh approach to redefining and teaching self-love. Popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Arylo is also the founder of Madly in Love with ME™, an international self-love movement, and Inner Mean Girl Reform School, a place where women come to learn how to stop being so hard on themselves. Visit her at www.daretoliveyou.com.
3 questions to get clear on who you really want to call 'friend'
If you were asked, "What's the biggest challenge you face to create the friendships you really want," what would you say?
I'm going to let you in on a secret, your biggest challenge is not time or the inability to meet new people. Your biggest challenge is you. You determine both the quantity and quality of your friendships based on who you are and how well you know who you want as a girlfriend, regardless of who's in your circle today. Think about it. You wouldn't consider dating or getting married without giving thought to who your mate is. Yet, even though we have close, intimate relationships with our girlfriends, we rarely give conscious thought to the kind of women they are. Instead, we choose friends by chance or duty, and with the busy lives we lead, you can't afford to waste your friendtime on friendships based on obligation or on friendships that take more than they give.
If you've never stopped to ask yourself questions like, "What kind of women do I want in my life? Does my current circle of friends reflect the kind of energy I want to surround myself with?" chances are you are missing out on some great friendship opportunities, and spending too much energy on ones that don't give you what you really want. If you know who you want as a friend, you're much more likely to attract that kind of person into your life. And she is much more likely to fit the life you are creating for yourself. So do yourself a favor, and take the time to get clear on who you really want to call girlfriend and why. Ask yourself the following questions using the action activities to get you crystal clear on your answers.
3 Questions For Creating Fabulous Friendships
QUESTION 1: Why do I want friends? It seems like a no-brainer question, who doesn't want friends. right? True, but this is a question worth answering because your response will tell you a lot about what you expect friendships to do for you. We all have different motivations, most of us just don't know what they are.
Action: Play the Why Game. The game is simple, keep asking yourself "Why" over and over again until you get to core of your motivation. Here's how it works: Start by asking, "Why do I want friends?" Say you respond with, "To have people to hang out with." Then ask, "Why do I... want people to hang out with?" Answer. Then again, ask "Why..." to the answer to that question. Repeat at least 4 times. And when you get your final answer, ask "Why is this important to me?"
QUESTION 2: Who are the women I want as friends (regardless of who I am friends with now?)
Paint a picture in your heart of the women you want as friends, as if you were Picasso. Don't think about the women in your life today. Imagine the kind of women you want to make your life even better.
Action: Do a Friendship Visualization. Close your eyes and imagine yourself connected to the energy of this fantastic group of women you want to surround yourself with. Look closely into their eyes and paint a picture in your mind of who they are. Let yourself see them. Are these women self-empowered? Compassionate? Living their dreams? Or are they friends that revel in drama? Play small? Or take more than they give? Feeling into them, see them for who they truly are:
What is important to them? What are their gifts? How do they live? Why is friendship important to them?
Action: Create Your Friendship Story. After you've visualized these women, write a full, juicy paragraph or two describing them... a story that when you read it back to yourself, connects deeply to your heart and soul. Don't just blurt an answer out off the cuff, or create a long list of attributes. Go beyond the surface and into the essence of who these women are. Tell their story. It's the difference between painting a Picasso and drafting a PowerPoint presentation. After you write it out, read it out loud and commit to drawing these women into your life.
QUESTION 3: What Are Your Expectations of Your Friends?
Not all girlfriends are the same - we have different friends for different reasons. Some are closer than others... some you connect with because of work or shared interests while because you've known each other for years. When you understand the different levels of friendships a.k.a. your Friendship Rings, you're empowered to ask for and get what you need from every friend. Unknown, unmet and unexpressed, expectations are one of the major causes of friendships failure.
Action: Define your expectations for each Friendship Ring. On a piece of paper, draw a set of 4 concentric circles, one for each ring. Then list your expectations for each. Your expectations should differ depending on the type of friendship.
Soul Sisters: Your closest circle. You share your lives.
You may all have different mothers but these women are your heart and soul. They're here for you in the best and worst of times. You can expect that they will pick up the phone when you call at 2am with a broken heart; that you can share all of yourself with them - the good and the ugly - and they will love you anyway; and that you can be completely honest about your feelings, even when you're angry, and that they will listen and work with you to create an even deeper friendship.
Good Time Gals. You have fun with these girls. You share a good time.
You chat. You laugh. You never go too deep. You can expect that they will invite you to do things with you and accept the invitations you give; that they follow through on what they say they are going to do; and that when you're together you can share what's going on in your life and get some good advice, but nothing too deep.
Affectionate Aficionados. You work at the same company, belong to the same club, or run in the same social circles, but that's as far as it goes. You share common interests.
You can expect that you will have a good time when you are together; that you will share your enthusiasm for your common interest but maybe not much more; and that they add good energy to your life, not suck it away or create drama. You can also expect that when that common interests shifts, you may no longer stay friends.
The Original Class. You've been friends a long time. But even if you're not really close anymore, there is still a connection. You share a common history.
You may only talk once a year, if even that, or maybe more, but it's not the quantity of time that matters, it's that you can always pick up the phone or email and you will get a response and still feel connected. You can expect that they will be happy to hear from you; that you will keep each other updated on your lives but probably not share the torid details; and that when you hang up the phone they will say nice things about you and not turn your conversation into the gossip of the week.
Every relationship you have in your life is a direct reflection of the honesty, awareness, love, trust and respect you have for yourself. So if it's fabulous friendships you want, start with creating a great relationship with yourself... it's the surest way to attract and keep fabulous women into your life.
About Christine Arylo A new kind of self-love expert, Christine Arylo, inspirational catalyst, takes a fresh approach to redefining self-love for today's woman as hip, hot and hers. As an author, speaker, and coach, Arylo is an expert at helping women to get the success and happiness they want without exhausting themselves in the process. She is the author of Choosing ME Before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love (www.mebeforewe.com), the founder of the international Madly in Love with ME™ movement (www.madlyinlovewithme.com) and the co-creator of Inner Mean Girl Reform School www.innermeangir.com She has appeared on national television and syndicated radio shows across the country, and her opinions have been featured in places like the San Francisco Chronicle, Glam.com and Daily Om.
3 Signs You're in an Unhealthy Infatuation vs a Healthy Connection
Attraction -- physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual -- is important, really important. None of us wants to hang out with a person who makes our stars fizzle or our minds yawn, but attraction must be healthy to create a great, or even a good, relationship. And the only way to determine if your attraction is of the healthy variety is to get downright honest about what inspired the connection. Of course no person wants to jump up and down exclaiming, "Look at me over here! I am dying to expose my messed up relationship!" but if we don't get real about the health of our attractions, we risk losing what's more important than anything else -- our selves.
One reason we often mistake unhealthy attraction for the healthy connections found in authentic partnerships is that most of us have never thought about it. When was the last time you sat down for a cup of tea and said, "I think I'll define what 'authentic connection' means to me today"? Even among those who have considered the source of their connection, most haven't been truthful about how healthy their attraction is or isn't. So, ignorant, blind, or in denial, we end up living in the grips of unhealthy attraction, feeling like something is missing or wrong, lacking the words to articulate what that something is. If we're lucky, after lots of pain and suffering caused by the times we engaged in unhealthy attraction, we finally free ourselves and learn about our desire for a true, healthy connection.
I have met more smart and successful women than I care to admit who've lost their minds, and themselves, in the throes of unhealthy attraction, dare I say insane infatuation? Same goes for nice, solid men who have a penchant for dating crazy women. I've watched many a wise woman or man lodge a person so deep in their wounds that they mistake the resulting feelings for the authentic, deep, loving connection they were waiting for.
Maybe for some the unhealthy attraction feels so fabulous because their catch comes with a first-class ticket to social status and financial security, filling their holes that come from the absence of self-worth or the fear of lack. Or maybe the person they meet seemingly gives them permission to be the wild child they always wanted to be but their parents never allowed, filling in their holes caused by never feeling like they fit with their family. Or maybe it is as simple as they crave love and attention so bad, that they are willing to take what they can get... or maybe even too afraid to end it for fear of how the other person will respond.
Regardless of our individual stories and corresponding wounds, when in the clutches of an unhealthy attraction, we are too entangled in our feelings to see the truth. You need to know the warning signs beforehand. Commit the following signals to memory and keep them for future reference.
WARNING SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY ATTRACTION
HOLE-STUFFING JUNKIE. Without a doubt, it's our emotions, hormones, and emotional wounds that control the show here. The feelings swirling inside our bodies and psyches are so intense that it seems impossible to control our actions or stop making self-destructive decisions. Convinced that this person is the love of our life, we experience the relationship as if it were a drug, and we become like a junkie. The person becomes the fix for our external needs and gaping holes, and the bigger our emotional holes, the more intensely we feel drawn to and attached to this one human being.
The physical connection is usually undeniable, like a gravitational pull we can't control. And our emotional and intellectual fantasies run rampant, which is why most people mistake these unhealthy relationships for authentic partnerships. But unlike healthy connections, which support us and encourage us to be our full and authentic selves, the unhealthy bonds lead to devastating and life-draining lows.
While the ride may feel good at times, in the end we are too often left unsatisfied, sad, and empty, with our desires and needs unmet. The cycle is always the same: we give in to the intense attraction, fall totally into it and enjoy the highs, plummet to the depths of despair, and then start the cycle all over again. While it may feel fantastic at times to be intertwined with the other, using another person to avoid healing our wounds is unhealthy.
COTTON BALLS IN YOUR EARS This person is "the one," and we will vehemently profess to those closest to us that "HE/SHE is the love of my life, I don't care what you say! . . . If you really loved me, you would be happy for me. . . . You just don't understand." Convinced that we know the real deal even if our friends and family think otherwise, we won't listen to what anyone has to say.
Sure, the relationship isn't perfect -- they've got a girlfriend, they lie, they have an addiction problem, or they are not committing anytime soon -- but because we have great chemistry or some other "special" connection, we're convinced that the rest of the world just doesn't know what they're talking about. What most of us need when we're in this state is a bucket of cold water in the face to wake us the hell up! If our friends and family scream, "Stop!" and we don't listen, it's almost a sure bet that our relationship is not a healthy influence.
THE DERANGED LOVE TRAIN. Our heads fill with thoughts like "Who cares that we just met three weeks ago? He/she told me that they love me, and I love them." We believe without a glimmer of doubt that we are in LOVE. Sure, the feelings are undeniably powerful, and the sex fantastic, so how could it be anything but love?
Warning!
When we start asking ourselves questions like "How would his last name sound with mine?" "What will our babies be named?" and "Where will we live?" weeks into our relationship, we have just entered fantasyland. Even if this person is playing along, and even if you really are meant to be life partners, questions like this do not belong anywhere near the beginning of a relationship. There is no getting around the fact that we cannot be in love with someone we don't really know. Intensely attracted, you bet, but in love, no. Love and authentic partnership take time.
ANTIDOTES FOR UNHEALTHY ATTRACTION While unhealthy attraction may feel great, liberating, and even life-giving at times, in the end the great feelings are not sustainable. They may, however, keep us in a relationship for years, preventing us from finding the kind of relationship we really desire. Luckily for us, there are extremely powerful antidotes to the unhealthy attraction syndrome, which all entail being truthful to ourselves -- and admittedly, this is usually easier said than done.
One of the most effective ways to snap ourselves out of the unhealthy delusions of our attraction is to stop and question ourselves. Automatically, whether we're in a relationship or single, it forces us to turn our focus away from HE, SHE and WE, and place it directly on ME. The only way we can create what we want is to be real with ourselves, even when it isn't easy. So if you find yourself in a WE, even if things are going great, stop and answer the following questions from time to time.
Challenge yourself to be 100 percent honest, even if -- especially if -- you don't like the answers.
ANTIDOTE 1: Why do you want a HE/SHE and a WE in your life?
ANTIDOTE 2: What kind of HE/SHE and WE do you currently have? Does what you have fit what you want?
ANTIDOTE 3: If it fits, great. If what you have doesn't fit, what line of bull are you feeding yourself to make it okay to stay?
In what ways are you settling? Write the ways you are settling out on a piece of paper and stare at them for a while. Play your life forward based on what you are currently settling for. Ask yourself, is this what you want for YOUR life? If not, it's time to take a stand for loving the most important partner in your life - yourself!
Every person deserves a dynamic, life-affirming partnership, but many of us settle for less, and as a result, we get a relationship, not a partnership. We stay with people we connect with or are attracted to, but who are not walking with us down life 's path as authentic partners -- we aren't supporting each other, enriching each other's experiences, and nourishing each other's spirit and heart.
When the relationship moves past the dating stage and in to the more serious living-life-together phase, unless it's a partnership, you will find yourself dealing with life's demands alone. Because we can, we forge ahead, attempting to carry the burden of the entire load, putting our own needs last and ending up tired as hell. My experience of doing it alone while in a relationship was that it had far too great a cost to my soul. No matter how attracted we are to a person, if they are dead weight, an emotionally empty vessel, or toxic sewage in our energy streams, then they have no place in our lives.
About Christine Arylo Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches women how find the love and happiness they want, by loving their most important partner first, themselves! Arylo is the popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com and is a frequent media guest on the topics of love and life. Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com
