As a culture and as human beings, we spend just about as
much time talking about and thinking about our relationships, and our
relationship status as we do about how we are going to pay our bills and lose 5
lbs. Millions of dollars, maybe even trillions of dollars, are spent trying to
find the one, make the one we have better, and decide if the one we have is
really the one we want!
In all of these questions about our 'relationships' we often
get mixed up and lose sight of what we are really after - LOVE. So we continue
to live with a craving that never gets satisfied - we are hungry for love, but
we are feeding ourselves the wrong food. It's not your fault, your mind has
gotten all confused because of the misunderstandings about love that run
rampant in our society. Today we take a step towards getting your mind and your
life in alignment with the truth about love by empowering you with three of the
most powerful rules of love and daring acts that will help you employ them -
which when applied will not only give you the relationships you want, but more
importantly the love that you need.
Love Rule #1: Focus on Love not Relationships.
There is a big misunderstanding that love and
relationships are the same thing - while they are related, they are not the
same. Most of us walk around saying or thinking we want a 'relationship' when
in reality what we really need and desire is more love, in one of its many forms
- connection, friendship, intimacy, compassion, companionship, affection,
acknowledgement, and the list goes on. Change your focus to cultivating love
and to generating the energy of that love you desire in your life instead of on
finding or fixing a relationship and you'll find that you have more love and
better relationships as a result.
Daring Act of Love: Ask for what you really want - LOVE. If you are single, stop saying "I
want a relationship." Start being specific about the love energy you want to
pull in, "I am so ready to receive love from an awesome, compassionate, loving
life partner" or "I am so ready to receive love from a sexy, sweet lover and
companion." If you are in relationship and desire more, be specific about what
you desire to receive from this person, and be willing to give it too, "I'd
love to receive more affection and intimacy" or "I'd love to receive more
companionship and closeness." Notice how saying these words invokes the energy
of the L-O-V-E right away! Which leads to #2.
Love Rule #2: Every relationship starts with the
relationship you have with yourself.
so you've probably heard this one but are you really living it? I
haven't met a person yet who couldn't stand to improve the relationship that
they have with themselves. And if something isn't working for you in getting
the love you desire from out there, then you need to find what's first not
working with the love and relationship you have with yourself.
Daring Act of Love:Take Yourself Out On A
Romantic Date, Ask Yourself What You Really Need, And Listen. When's the last time you had a heart to heart with
yourself. How long would you put up with a person you were dating or married to
if they weren't having deep and personal conversations with you - hopefully not
very long! Create intimacy with yourself by spending the evening journaling on
the question "What do I really need right now? To feel loved? To be happy? To
be healthy? To feel safe and secure? To feel seen?" Then after you get all that
information from yourself, make a promise to yourself to make sure you receive
the love you need.
Love Rule #3:Love Always Creates More Love.
getting the love you need? Then BE LOVE. The energy you feel inside and that
you put out there into the world comes back to you - simple Law of
Daring Act of Love:Be a Love Generator and make love for yourself. Don't wait to receive love from someone else - you
have the power to create it right now for yourself. Here's how - do a Self Love
Soak every morning! Before you get out of bed, close your eyes, curl up in a
loving ball, hug yourself, and tell yourself, "Your Name, I love you." Keep
saying these love words until you generate love, until you feel that warm
tingly feeling of love in your body. Even if it's just a little bit at first,
keep generating love this way until it comes naturally and in big waves. Fake
it til you make it - make love that is!
And here's a bonus rule - Be unafraid to admit
you need love - we all do. If you fear
people thinking you are weak for needing love, then you weaken your ability to
receive it. Be daring - desire love, need
And if you're ready to take action to create SUPER LOVING relationships now -- consider yourself invited to join me for this 40-day self love practice ... go here to check it out.
Top 5 Reasons People DON'T Get the Support and Relationships they Want ... and What You Need Instead
1. You expect things people can't give you. You are putting the wrong expectations on people, setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Not everyone fits into your inner ring, even though you want them to.
You need to put people in the right "Love Rings" to set the right expectations, levels of vulnerability and levels of intimacy.
2. You put all your love eggs in one basket. You are looking for 1 or 2 relationships to give you all the support you need, so when those relationships don't work well, you starve.
You need more supportive relationships. 3. You are using faulty strategies that don't work, no matter how hard you try. You weren't given the wisdom about how relationships really work, probably because the people around you weren't very good at them, either.
You need new skills and love strategies that create more support, not more drama. 4. Your heart is over-protected so the support (the love) can't get in ... for good reason. You built defenses to protect your heart when you got hurt in the past. But that protection is actually keeping you from getting what you need.
You need to learn how to understand your brand of protection and open yourself up to the right people. 5. You've settled for less, and you don't know how to receive more. You've allowed non-loving, inconsistent, non-respectful relationships to hang out in your life.
You need to take a stand for having ONLY loving, respectful, consistent relationships, period.
If you want more support you need to make a commitment to loving yourself enough to get all of the things you need, as listed above.
Give that most of us are 'relationship challenged' ... scared to death of real intimacy and vulnerability... and brain washed to be only givers not receivers, most of us need help, support and inspiration to create the kinds of relationships that can be super supportive and loving.
Which is exactly why I created the 40-day Choosing ME before WE self-love adventure - a course designed to help you to create the best relationships of your life.
It's been called
A life-changing. transformative, awakening and empowering experience
Go here to check it out -- we'd love to have you join us for a community of hundreds of people who have said YES to the best relationships of their lives!
3 ways to increase your love quotient and receive more love
When I first met my now husband Noah, who I affectionately refer to as "Walking Love" for his great ability to give love fully and freely, my love quotient - my capacity for receiving love -- was the size of a pea. Which meant that although I had finally manifested a man into my life that could offer the love that I had yearned for in other relationships, I was unable to let all the love in. At times, he and his love were so much to take in, that my stunted capacity to receive love would become completely overloaded.
Sure, I could allow bursts of love in - hand holding, PDAs (public displays of affection), and his unconditional kindness and consideration felt so good to my love-starved heart. But there would always come a point where the love Noah gave reached a threshold that was way too much for me to receive and my internal system went haywire.
In these moments, even though my heart knew I had hit the jackpot of love, I did what any scared-to-death-of-real-vulnerability girl would do in this situation of love overload... find reasons NOT to like this man! Too bald, too many holes in his socks, not ambitious enough (by my over-achiever standards), whatever excuses my self-sabotaging subconscious could find to eject this love out of my life, and it found plenty to obsess about.
While I couldn't see it at the time, the truth is that I was pushing out and blocking the very love my heart and soul craved. Why?
Because I was scared to death.
It was like there was an emergency RED ALERT system that when Noah got too close, would trip a wire that activated a warning system that blasted, 'Intruder on the premises! Security about to be breached!" Noah, because of his ability to offer love freely was about to get through walls that for many years, no man (or woman) had ever breached. He was becoming dangerously close to penetrating the deep layers of protection I had spent years building up around my heart to keep away any chance of being hurt. Until this point, however, I had no idea that these walls were there. A loving, smart, outgoing person with lots of friends and family, you never would have known either. My pea-sized love quotient at the time, unfortunately is about average in size.
We all build walls of protection - you, me, your sisters, friends, mother - because we've all been hurt.
Our beautiful, loving, open hearts have at one time or another been tromped on, broken or betrayed and so our normal, and probably necessary action at the time, was to build walls, force fields, layers of protection around our hearts... resulting in the miniature, shrunken love quotients most of us walk around with. But there comes a time in each of our lives, when, if we truly want to experience love to the capacity we all yearn for deep inside, that we have to be willing to melt away the force fields, take down the walls, and slowly step forward to reveal ourselves, our hearts, our vulnerabilities, and our innocence to others...
opening up ourselves to RECEIVE more love, which in turn allows us to FEEL more loved, which then allows us to GIVE more love, resulting in love quotients that grow to be as wide and vast and deep as the Grand Canyon.
Over the past 10 years, I have made a conscious effort to increase my ability to receive love. It has been my intention to create a life in which I am surrounded by love. This past month I celebrated my birthday, marking a decade of a commitment to self-love I made to myself, which I know is where all love starts. As I looked around my life and as I received ALL the love that came my way - from Facebooks, to phone calls, to celebrations - I felt like a Rockefeller of Love. Wealthy beyond wealthy in love. Talk about a gift that keeps on giving!
You too have the ability to increasing your capacity to receive love, to expand your love quotient, and like building any muscle, I recommend starting with smaller emotional practices and risks and building up over time, so that when the big kahuna of love walks in, you are ready to Receive baby!
Build You Capacity To Receive Love - Your Love Quotient
1. Practice receiving small bursts of love, like compliments or random acts of kindness. We've all done the dance when someone gives us a compliment to push the energy somewhere else. At our best we say 'Thank you' without fully receiving the love, and at our worst we discount the compliment, 'Oh, this old thing? Had it for years.' Or said, "No thank you" to a stranger who offered to do some small favor for us - like lift our luggage, let us go ahead in line, carry a bag, etc. These are all instances of blocking love. Reject love in small ways, and you block it in big ways. My friend Marci Shimoff, author of Love for No Reason, says it takes 20 seconds to fully receive a compliment. To increase your love quotient, when someone gives you a compliment, say "Thank you" and add on to it with what you love about what they've complimented you on. And next time someone offers to help you, say YES! Thank you. And receive the love.
2. Start with Self-Love. When you love yourself, no one can take love away from you. And the more you love yourself, the more love you will naturally attract in your life. These are facts. So take a vow, or several, of self-love. A good one to start with is, "I promise to give myself unconditional love and respect, always." In my first book, Choosing ME before WE, I included the 5 vows of self love I originally took with myself - there is a chapter on each. You can also download the free Self-love Kit I created at www.ChooseSelfLove.com
3. Identify your form of protection & let it go. What is your form of heart protection? Have you hidden your heart away in some obscure location for safe keeping, built walls like Fort Knox to keep out intruders, or even let her shrivel up to seemingly fake death. When you can identify your mode of protection, you can start working on letting them go. Take a journaling or visualization adventure to find what is holding your heart hostage. Ask yourself questions like, "What is keeping my heart protected?" "What have been the incidents in my life that have caused me to protect my heart?" "What is my heart afraid of?" I've worked with clients who have rescued their hearts from refrigerators in the forest, uncovered them through layers of death shrouds, unlocked layers of steel walls, all kinds of wild adventures. Once you find what's keeping your heart protected, thank the protection for it's service and imagine taking your heart back by putting it in a safe place inside of you. As you work to increase your love quotient using some of the suggestions listed above, come back and check in on your heart protection and see the progress you are making in letting your heart, and yourself, out of captivity to be free to receive love fully!
If you find this article helpful, share it with a friend.
If you'd really like to open to love, break open your blocks to love and have relationships you love and that love you back, join me for a 40-day Self Love Practice... that's all about YOU creating the best relationships of your life, starting with the relationship you have with yourself! Find out more at http://www.choosingmebeforewe.com
About Christine Arylo
Popular author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love Christine has been called the Queen of Self Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the country, in the top spas and retreat centers in the world, and in colleges and corporations throughout America. She is the founder of Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which includes a free self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
Three weeks into dating my current
husband, Noah, he looked at me and said, 'Christine, I don't know
what is going to happen between the two of us, but you have to raise
your standards for men.
"You can't like a guy because
he's nice to you. He's supposed to be nice to you."
"Whaaaaaat???" My head cocked to
the side and I looked at Noah like he had just told me my parents
were really aliens from Mars. How did I - super smart and
successful woman - not know this? Of course, my logical brain was
aware that people should be nice to you, but deep down, I had no
Based on my experience of men, I had
come to expect men to be hypercritical, verbally abusive, angry for
no good reason, self-centered, and controlling. Deep down, I didn't
believe that men cared about 'relationships,' intimacy and being
loved. And so, I, and most of my girlfriends, dated what we expected,
and ended up unhappy. Or if a "good guy" did come along, we tried
to get rid of him for 'being too nice." We say we want one thing,
but then we attract and hang onto something quite different.
That day, I made myself a promise that
I would follow these three "Happy Rules" when it came to my love
life, that way I'd never forget again that my relationships are
supposed to make me happy, not stressed out, crazy or sad.
THE 3 HAPPY LOVE LIFE
If your guy or gal isn't
nice to you, then they don't deserve you.You
deserve unconditional love and respect, and you must demand it in
your relationships, or the relationship has to end (friendships
included!) The catch is that you can't get what you don't give
yourself, which means you have to give unconditional love and
respect to yourself and others if you want it in return.
Don't settle for less than
your heart and soul desire for your life, even if it means ending a
relationship.Pick a partner who helps you reach your
dreams and be the best you possible. When looking for a relationship
or deciding if the one you have is right for you, ask yourself
first, "What are my dreams for my life?" Then ask, "What kind
of partnership do I want to support me in that life?" and then you
can ask, "So who would that person be?" ME. WE. HE. In that
order. Choose ME before WE. This is your ticket to life, live it for
yourself first, and you'll be more likely to find and keep a mate
that is happy to be on the ride with you. Better to go solo than to
have someone dragging your life ship down.
Take a vow to Be Honest With
Yourself - NO MATTER WHAT!And engage the help of
friends when you can't get to honesty on your own. Take this
self-love dare: Hold an "Honesty Hearing." Say to them, "I
need your help on getting honest with myself. You can be totally
honest and I won't get mad. How do you see me lying to myself
about XX relationship?" Just listen. You can ask questions, but
you cannot comment back or engage in a debate. After they are done,
say "Thank You." Ask yourself, "What is the consequence of
admitting the truth?" Let that sink in and then make a commitment
to take at least one action that addresses this truth.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
people how to put their most important partnership first, the one
with themselves, so that they can create the love and life their
hearts and souls crave. The popular author of Choosing ME
before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love www.mebeforewe.com,
Arylo is known as the "Queen of Self-Love." She created Madly in
Love with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), dedicated
to making self-love a tangible reality for women and girls around the
world. Check out her free Self-Love Kit at www.ChooseSelfLove.com
A woman who owns her vulnerability understands that to be vulnerable is not weak, but instead is one of the strongest powers she possesses. For it is by being vulnerable that she allows herself to be seen by another as her truest and most innocent self. She can put the epicenter of her own self love on display - and by doing so invites the other to do the same.
Because she can open herself to be seen so deeply, this woman has the ability to receive love from another. When a woman is closed and protected, love cannot get in, no matter how much she wants it. It is only when a woman allows her heart to open that she has the capacity to receive love. How much love depends on how open her heart is, or in other words, how big her love quotient is. As she expands her love quotient, so does the love expand in her life. A woman who stands in the power of her vulnerability has the capacity to accept and give love freely, unafraid that anything can or will be taken away from her. She knows that when she is truly open no one can take love from her. She is unafraid to show the raw, real feelings that live inside her soul. She knows that they may not be received by everyone, however she does not let that stop her from sharing herself. She is smart in who she chooses to be vulnerable with, but she is not shrewd in her selection as that would close off her heart.
She knows that her expression of vulnerability can open up the heart of another, inviting them to show their raw and real self in return. She understands that this is one of the most potent powers of vulnerability - the ability to open up hearts, both hers and everyone her power touches.
Because she is comfortable yielding her vulnerability, she always steps forward in love. She hugs big and freely. She trusts big and freely. She shares truthfully and freely. She is unafraid to cry, to tell the truth, to appear weak, to be wrong. Even if she knows she may get hurt, she believes it worth the risk.
This is a woman who understands that she cannot expect what she cannot give. So if it is intimacy she wants, she must be willing to create it herself. Vulnerability is the key to intimacy. One cannot access intimacy without vulnerability. This woman understands that, as she takes responsibility for creating safe spaces in her relationships.
She is unafraid to ask for or show the way to her partner to create this vulnerability. She is willing to be both student and teacher, as long as they both lean in and experiment together.
She is capable of sharing her raw feelings. Of admitting her weaknesses and fears. Of taking responsibility for her behaviors, no matter how hard they are to admit. And she does so without blaming, criticizing or passing judgment. She does so with an open heart, in spite of the fact that she may be afraid to do so.
What is your powerful definition of Vulnerability?
This Love Dare is one of the weekly love dares participants of the 40-day Fear Cleanse have taken... they loved it so much, and I love it so much that I wanted to share it with ALL of you! Enjoy!!
Step 1: Schedule or spontaneously decide to go on an adventure to collect LOVE! 15 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour or an entire day. Step 2: Use all of your senses to find evidence of love everywhere -- see, smell, taste, feel, and hear it. Literally breathe love in, take note of loving exchanges between others, taste love in your food, smell love in a flower, hear love in a song or in a compliment you receive, feel love when you take a moment to hug your dog or do anything that opens your heart.
Step 3: Actually collect the love - Throughout the day, using all your senses, seek out evidence of love, and collect it. You must capture this evidence of love somewhere, either by writing it down, taking a picture of it, sharing it with your social network, recording it on a voice recorder, whatever makes you happy. Pick your collection device of choice - a small pocket-sized notebook, a digital device you can write on, post it notes, or a camera you can snap pictures with.
Keep the awareness as much as possible during your day-to-day interactions.
Look for love even in the challenging moments.
Be alert for spontaneous acts of love. Take a love collecting field trip during lunch or in the late afternoon.
When you can't take physical notes, take a mental note, by pausing in the moment, noticing the love and storing the event away in your mind and heart as evidence that love exists everywhere.
BONUS DOUBLE DARE.... Share your evidence of love with us right here on the blog, or if you have a photo you can share, post it to our Madly in Love with ME facebook site
to be honest with your partner and come out alive ... and more loved.
Christine Arylo & Noah Martin, love intelligence experts
you get down to what separates great, long-lasting partnerships from
ones that start with the best intentions but fizzle out over time,
there are a few very basic rules and behaviors that while seemingly
common sense, most people don't have a clue about. The truth is
that we can all use a boost in our E.L.Q. ... our emotional
intelligence when it comes to navigating the waves of our most
intimate love relationships (a.k.a. your Emotional Love Quotient.)
of the most vital components of keeping and growing a POWERFUL,
LOVING, and FUN partnership is HONESTY. When life is smooth, honesty
is easy. It's when the bumps come up that the temptation to fib, to
disguise or avoid the truth seem like the simplest path. But over
time, little lies build to bigger lies and resentment - neither of
which you want hanging around your relationship.
of the most fertile grounds for secrecy between two people is money.
We call these 'sticky situations' and we've listed a few of the
most common. We've also included the most dangerous but often used
'emotionally-stunted' responses... DO NOT try these at home! On
the flip side, we've outlined for you the high E.L.Q. response, one
we've used in our own partnership to transform financially sticky
situations into deeper connection, a better understanding of
ourselves, and more love.
spent a chunk of change without consulting your partner
blown the budget you both agreed to
put something on credit when you've agreed you are paying off your
the bill and pray he/she never finds out.
guilty, wait for them to figure it out and beg for forgiveness.
your misdemeanor into another conversation or get to them while they
are busy or distracted.
up but slough it off as not a big deal, you'll find the money
to yourself that you acted outside of the agreements you had with
your partner. You have to accept responsibility with yourself
that your action was outside of either a stated or implied agreement
(we always recommend having explicit agreements about money
choices.) But even if you didn't have an explicit agreement, you
knew what your partner expected. So face the music. Say out loud to
yourself, "I chose to XX and I know that my action was outside of
our agreements / expectations of each other." And then take a deep
breath (don't skip the breath, it's important to releasing your
own emotions!) Coming clean with yourself will feel good and erase
some of the guilt or apprehension. You can't be honest with your
partner if you aren't first honest with yourself.
and succinctly take responsibility with your partner and then tell
them the facts. This is not the time to go into some long story
to justify your actions. Just own what you did, not with guilt but
with honesty. First, ask for his/her attention to talk about
something important. Second, state that you broke an agreement. And
third, tell them the specifics. "Joe, I broke our agreement about
making big purchases without talking to you about it. I bought XX
today for $XX." Then shut up.
your partner react. Before you get to the "Why" (which in
your mind may either have been a good or bad reason) your partner
will need to have their emotional response. Seriously, it's the
least you can do. Your job is just to listen. Let them have whatever
feeling they have. Don't try and defend yourself, unless you want
to create a fight. This is also not the time to explain why. Just
listen. If in your partner's reaction, they ask why, include your
response as part of step four, after you own it. (Note to
Partner... you are responsible for your own E.L.Q. too. You are
allowed to honestly react but not to bludgeon, scream, attack, tear
apart or try and make your partner - who is trying to be honest
with you -- feel guilty or ashamed. You can be angry but you still
owe this person your respect and unconditional love. Be angry at the
action, not the person... and DON'T take it personally, their
action was not a personal attack on you.)
your action again, apologize for breaking the agreement and then,
finally, you can share... not your defense but your heart. Your
simple response is, "You are right. I acted outside of our
agreement. I am sorry." Let that apology land. Then take a breath
and say, "I'd like to share why I made this decision..." and
then share with them, from your heart what motivated you to make the
choice to spend money this way. Be vulnerable. Do not get defensive.
Do not bring up any of their actions from the past to throw in their
face. Remember, the two of you are on the same side, and have
committed to helping each other be the best people you can be.
Conscious Next Steps.
the "Now what?" Come to agreement on how you manage any
financial stress this may cause, and work together to make it
an agreement or modify the previous one. Converse about what
really works for you both and talk about it until you both feel
your agreed to expectations out loud. This will make sure
there is no confusion, and will eliminate the need for any
our favorite last step to this whole process...
Swear on your agreement and then seal it with a smooch!
Arylo and Noah Martin met
in Chicago, married in San Francisco, and after 10-years of hanging
out building lives, a business and a loving partnership together,
still have the kind of relationship most people only dream about.
Their simple, fun and practical approaches to love and relationships
have been featured on ABC-TV and on stages across the country with
audiences of all ages. Arylo is the popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, The Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love
and Noah is a trained hypnotherapist and relationship coach. Visit
3 ways to feel super loved even when
your relationship is ending
Most of us have been
trained to believe that when a relationship ends, we lose the love of
the person who we once felt so loved by. This belief is an instant
misery-creating lie that is simply not true. The truth is, love is
impossible to lose. Yes, you feel pain because of this breakup, but
not because you've lost your former person's love. You hurt
because endings of any kind are sad. You hurt because you have lost
the dream of what could have been. You hurt because the loss stirs up
your own fears and past pains. You hurt because there is an empty
space in your life that wasn't there before, a space that you've
been told is the loss of love, but it's not.
The space you feel is an
opening for more love to come into your life - starting with the
love you have for yourself, and then expanding to include all the
love that the world is just salivating to give you. Love is
everywhere, when you are open to receiving it, and when you know
where to look. Opening to love can be hard during a breakup, but I
know no better medicine than love for mending a bruised or broken
If you are interested in
taking yourself off the pain train and moving into a space where you
can honor your sadness and at the same time feel more love, happiness
and possibility, then read on and put these three Love-Generators to
work for you:
1. Tell yourself the
truth. You are not losing love. You are ending a relationship.
Do yourself a BIG favor
and be honest about why your relationship ended, and don't make it
Love is an easy excuse
when you don't want to be real about why your breakup is necessary
to stay true to the most important partner in your life ... you.
Love is indestructible. It
may get masked or deeply buried under feelings of anger and
disappointment, but even in the most gnarly circumstances, love never
disappears, it just goes into hiding.
Relationships are dynamic,
they are always changing form, and sometimes in order to be happy,
two people have to go their separate ways - which has nothing to do
with love. Relationships end not because the love dies, but because
the intimacy, trust, respect or connection fades, because the
contract with each other completes, or because you each want and need
different things from life. Not all relationships are meant to 'be
forever,' if they were, you'd never meet anyone new.
Make a list of all the
reasons why the ending of this relationship is GOOD for you,
necessary for you to live the life you were destined to live. Then,
take an act of self-love and state the reasons out loud. Self-honesty
Know this. You are loved.
Always. And that love, starts and end with you. It's ridiculous to
give the power of feeling loved away to another, when you have the
power to feel loved at will inside of yourself.
2. Mourn the loss of
the dream, not of the person. And remember your dream didn't die.
We often cause ourselves
more pain than needed during a breakup because we misplace our
mourning energy and end up grieving more than we need. We've
already established that the love lives on, so you can take "loss
of love" off your mourning list. You can also take off 'grieving
the loss of my ex-person' - because they are not dead, they just
aren't sleeping next to you anymore. What is dying and important to
grieve is the loss of the DREAM you had for this relationship. Your
hopes, intentions and co-created dreams came to a crashing halt when
the choice was made to end the partnership, and the loss of those
dreams is where much of the pain lies. But when you aren't clear
that's it's the lost dream you are mourning, you get all caught
up in trying to change and control things you can't.
So be sad. Get angry. Move
into acceptance and surrender that this particular dream is gone. But
don't stay stuck there. Keep your mind out of dramatic thoughts
like "My relationship is over!" or "I'll be alone forever!"
or "What if he finds someone else and loves her more?" Thoughts
like these create unnecessary pain - kind of like poking your
tongue into fresh dental work. Ouch! It hurts. Don't do it.
Move your focus from what
you can't control - bringing the old dream back - and dive into
what you can, reconnecting with the dream you have for your life! The
ending of one dream means the beginning of another, and you still
have the power to dream forward the life your heart and soul want.
When you dream yourself
forward, you create more love in your life because you are telling
yourself that you are worth dreaming for. And you are. Yes, the dream
of your former relationship may have ended, but your dreams for
yourself didn't, so why would you give up on yourself? If you
aren't dreaming yourself forward, who will? Love yourself enough to
move towards your dreams.
3. Find proof that love
exists everywhere. Fill your life with love.
While you might not be
receiving the oodles of physical love you once did from your former
mate, he/she is not the only love source on the planet. The worst
thing you can do during a breakup is starve yourself from love...
that is the surest way to get your Inner Mean Girl all riled up with
rants like, "You'll never be loved again." Which of course, is
a straight up lie.
The best thing you can do
for yourself is to find proof of love and fill your life with it. You
live on a planet that is abundantly full of love - it's
everywhere - and it's your job to see it, ask for it, and let it
in. The more love you surround yourself with, the more love you will
feel, and the easier this transition will be for you.
Here is your shopping
list of love generators. Put the list up somewhere you can see it,
and make sure each week you are getting your fill.
Connection creates love. Be with people who
love you. Not to talk about 'the relationship' or fix you but
just to be with. Walk. Snuggle. Play. Let them love on you.
those pearly whites to anyone you can - baristas, strangers, the
person sitting next to you on the bus - and when they smile back,
let the love in. When they don't - and some won't - smile
anyway and send them love. A great way to feel love is to give it.
sappy love songs, only inspiring, uplifting music for you. Turn it
on, dance it out. This is an instant way to turn your obsessive mind
off and open your heart to love. India Arie is my fave.
Children. Like instant shots of love, hug a
puppy, look into the eyes of a baby, pet a kitty, and just feel
their innocence and love permeate your cells.
nice things for yourself. Take yourself on dates. Do the things you
love. Take a risk. Remind yourself of why you love you. Make an
I-Love-ME list - 108 reasons why you love you. Keep it in your
purse, and on hard days, read it to yourself. Instant love.
About Christine Arylo
Popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Lovewww.mebeforewe.comChristine has been called the Queen of Self
Love. Her insights, fresh perspectives and daring take on love, in
all its forms, have been featured on TV and radio stations across the
country, in the top spas and retreat centers in the world, and in
colleges and corporations throughout America. She is the founder of
Madly in Love with ME, an international movement of self-love, which
includes a FREE self-love kit downloadable at www.ChooseSelfLove.com.
She is also the co-founder of Inner
Mean Girl Reform School, a virtual
school where women go to transform their self-sabotaging voices into
The secret to finding more love than
loss in your breakup
Without a doubt, breakups are sad. They
always include pain, even in the most agreeable splits. Pain is part
of the deal, but the struggle, drama and misery are totally optional.
In this article I am not going to tell you the secrets to avoiding
pain all together. That would just make me a liar and a bad friend.
Because the truth is that if you don't feel your pain, it will
still be there, lurking in the darkness, waiting to pounce on you at
some unanticipated, and usually unfortunate, moment (do you really
want mascara and tears streaming down your face in the grocery line?)
Or worse, throwing you into so-not-good-for-you relationships and
activities - such as the rebound date or cocktail binge that seemed
like a good idea before you realized that while they numbed the pain
for a while, more pain just came later.
Yes, you do need to mourn the loss of
the relationship... because something has died. But, you do not need
to wrapped yourself up in the uber painful belief that somehow this
ending equals a loss of love. That line of thinking only leads to one
place, the pit of misery. The truth is that you haven't lost love.
Love is indestructible, when you remember where to find it.
As a woman who has experienced the
devastating blow of a breakup of a 15-year relationship two hours
before her engagement party (ouch!), I can share with you the real
secret to breaking through to happiness and hope after a breakup:
Self-Love. It's always there. No one can take it from you. And it's
free. The biggest difference between people who blossom from the
experience of breakup and the people who just keep making the same
mistakes or never move on is the anchor point they choose. Do you
anchor in pain and the other person or do you keep yourself anchored
into self-love so that even on the 'bad' days you can pull
yourself forward out of the muck and into happiness and hope.
It's your choice as to whether you
want to touch the pain or live in it. Whether you want to transform
through this experience or regress because of it. The people I've
seen - including myself - who have transformed themselves because
of a breakup into a person who is even more true to who they are,
and therefore have created more love not less - took these 7
daring acts of self-love. I invite you to do the same:
Turn your focus and energy from
the other person to yourself. Stop reaching out to him or her for
love, and instead reach inside you for love.
Remember that yes, while there are
no longer two people in this relationship, there is still one, and
you are not going anywhere.
Realize that this breakup, while a
loss of connection, is not a loss of love.
Know that there is an abundance of
love in the world for you. Surround yourself with healthy love, a
Remember you are never alone. In
the moments when you feel lonely, remember you have you.
Remember that you are going
forward, you are not being left behind. Something in YOU is pulling
YOU forward into something new. Keep an eye on what that something
is, and move towards it.
Be completely honest with
yourself, no matter what. No story telling and no illusions. It is a
deep act of self-love to have unwavering honesty with yourself.
Most of all, remember that loss of any
kind is hard, so be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Love
yourself extra. Reach out and ask for love - in a healthy way -
often. Get hugged. And be with your feelings. It is possible to feel
both loss and happiness at the same time. Your loss does not define
you. Love defines you.
About Christine Arylo
Christine Arylo, an m.b.a. turned
writer, speaker and teacher, is an inspirational catalyst who teaches
women how to love themselves. She is the popular author of Choosing
ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and
Known as the "Queen of Self-Love," Arylo created Madly in Love
with ME, the international day of self-love (Feb 13), and a free
Self-Love kit dedicated to making self-love a tangible reality for
women and girls around the world. www.madlyinlovewithme.com