Self Love: May 2009 Archives

Okay, I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth... settling in our relationships is stupid, and after spending a week talking about it on the radio, coaching on it with clients, counseling it to friends thinking of leaving their husbands, and remembering the years I myself settled, I have to just say it out loud for everyone to hear, "Let's all get this one statement straight in our heads and hearts, Settling is a dumb choice, don't do it!"

And okay, I get that just because it's dumb, doesn't stop us from settling. I know that better than most because I did it for 15 years. And I'm not alone, we've all settled at some point in our relationship. If you say you haven't, please write me a note because I want to know who your parents were so I can send them a gold star!

So the why... as far as I can deduce from my own escapades as well as those of my friends and clients, here are two common reasons why we settle:

1. We are too afraid to leave the relationship and ask for more. Instead we brainwash and bargain with ourselves. I call it Love Poker, in which we keep dealing and playing, staying in the relationship and the game, hoping that we will win back our chips, that we will get whatever we feel we are missing. We are too afraid to fold and walk away from the table, to end the relationship, so instead, we convince ourselves of crazy thoughts like, "Well, he's not always so bad" and "Maybe I am the crazy one to want these things. Maybe I am being unreasonable." We brainwash ourselves! Sure if you are harping on your mate cuz he's not the perfect housekeeper or the biggest breadwinner, then yes, get over yourself. But if you aren't getting the partnership, unconditional love and respect your heart and soul crave, "You deserve to have it, Period! Stop settling."

2. We are on the escalator to death.  We are on a mission to get to that next life stage -- marriage, babies, big house -- no matter who we have to settle for to get there. Our focus becomes on attaining the 'thing' vs. actually stopping and asking ourselves why it's really not showing up in our lives, and being real about whether it's actually what we want, or if we've fallen prey to the brainwashing of society that until we have it, we won't be happy. I've been there myself. When I turned 30, it was time to get married. I demanded an engagement and a ring. I got it, only to be broken up with six months later. It would have been a heck of lot less painful if I had just been honest that I was trying to marry this guy for all the wrong reasons, including beating my friends to the altar. It's demented, but it's true, and I know I am not the only one.

Which is what compelled me to start a life long love affair with me so that I could stop settling in love by learning to love ME first. After I got that straight in my head, love from another literally showed up on my doorstep when I wasn't expecting it in the form of a 6 foot 3 inch bald guy named Noah. What did I 'do' to make that happen? What can you do to make sure you don't settle in love? People always ask me this question, and while there are many layers to this, it all starts with two ME-Vows you have to make to you.

Vow #1.  I promise not to settle for less than my heart and soul - not my pocketbook, fear, ego, or parents -- really desire. I honor and respect myself so deeply that I only have relationships that do the same.

Vow #2. I promise to be honest with myself, always. Uncompromising, unwavering honesty, about my motivations, my actions and my reality. When I can't be honest, I will seek out people who can help me find Truth, and listen.

Not settling is a promise and a practice. It's something that you have to commit to and choose whenever the option to waver comes up. Here's what I tell myself whenever it seems hard or confusing... Remember that you were given a great gift, your life. Do you want to live it fully and be so happy that joy is streaming out of your ears, or do you want to struggle and suffer because you were too afraid to go after what your heart and soul craved and desired? Choose to live. It's not that life is too short - it's that life is too magical, fabulous and precious!

If you want that great love and partnership, be willing to be that love and partner yourself first, and then accept nothing less from another.

To start your ME-love affair today, visit http://madlyinlovewithme.com for a FREE self-love starter kit.

 

All week long I have been talking with clients and friends and having fits of deja vu -- flashbacks of what it was like for me when I was in a relationship with a man that I SO wanted to love me... who on some occassions was able to give me the unconditional love I craved... but who on so many more days couldn't and wouldn't. In fact he would mostly do the opposite - yelling, fighting, ignoring me, telling me how F'd up I was. But yet I stayed for 15 years, waiting for the day when he would finally love ME, that he would finally be the loving partner more than the emotionally unavailable or verbally abusive mate he was 90% of the time.

After our relationship ended, which led me to loads of therapy and self-discovery, I came to realize this phenomenon as the 'BLIP EFFECT", which is when we let the small joys and moments of unconditional love make up for all the crappy times, loneliness, and struggle. It's  what kept me trapped in a relationship that wasn't much different in year 15 than it was in month six - dysfunctional and unhealthy. And it's what kept all the friends and clients I've talked with over the years trapped too.

So why do we stay in these relationships that don't give us the connection, intimacy and support we so crave? Why do we get amnesia and forget about all the 'bad' stuff as soon as Mr. Nice Guy shows up? Two reasons:

1. We get love mixed up with a reason to be in or stay in a relationship believing that  we only end relationships when we fall out of love. And that is just one big lie. The truth is that we don't fall out of love, we fall out of intimacy, trust and respect. Once you love someone you will always love that person. Unfortunately most of us push our relationships to the point of drama, deceit and devastation so we end up hating and hurting the person, thinking we don't love them anymore, when in fact the love is lurking right beneath the surface.
   
2. We are afraid to be 'alone.' We get 'alone' mixed up with 'being lonely' and the truth is that there is no place lonelier than being in  a relationship in which you don't get the unconditional love, support, trust, respect and intimacy you crave. It's way lonelier than being single. In fact when we do choose to end a relationship and go it alone, what we find, and what I found, was that there was a whole lot of love just waiting for me. I found that love inside myself, I received it from my friends and I got boatloads from the wonderful healers and spiritual communities that welcomed me in.So much more than I ever got from my ex-person.
   

There is a simple truth that we all need to embrace into our lives -- we have relationships because they make our lives and who we are better. If they don't make our lives better -- and I am not talking financially or materially here -- then there is NO need to have them. We are better off without them. That is self-love.

Notes from the ME-Love Train -  Chicago & Mothers Day

Eight days in Chicago. Four media appearances. Three business meetings. Two speaking engagements. Two parties. Three friend dinners. Enough to keep two people busy, for way more than eight days. And plenty of 'work' to deserve a break at least one of the days that I was in Chicago. Even God rested on the 7th day right? But he wasn't a woman. And he wasn't a woman of the 21st century, born with a pair of genes that I call with both affection and despair, the Achievement Junkie gene and the Doing Addict gene. I've got them both. And chances are that if you are a woman between the ages of 0 and 100 you have them too. We've handed down these genes from generation to generation of women for centuries, like a good set of china. The problem is that unlike pretty china, these genes don't just come out for special occasions. These genes run our lives, 24/7.

My mother was a doing addict, still is. She can't sit still. Can't stop working until she has 'worked' hard enough to merit resting time. Growing up she was our full time mother, she worked full time in a big corporate building, ran a girl scout troop, ran a side business, cooked our food, sewed our clothes and fixed up our lake cottage on the weekends she was supposed to be 'resting'. I am the product of a doing addict, another generation of women doomed to feel that I either must be 'doing' all the time or feel guilty for not doing something. Even after 7 years of working to change this gene in me, it's still there. This last week in Chicago I found it virtually impossible to take one day for myself, to just relax. The universe had to actually make me sick with a sore throat (threatening my ability to speak the following day, which got my attention) to get me to stop. This was extremely ironic considering I was speaking to a group of women about the exact thing I was suffering from - the inability to take care of myself, sans guilt. But we teach what we are here to learn, and I learn more about self-love everyday.

I really don't know who is to blame for this self destructive gene that makes it hard for me to relax (it is physically painful,) to find value in just 'being', and to believe that I am enough right now without accomplishing anything else. I can't really blame my mother, she got it from her mother, and she from her mother and on and on. And I figure since I already have guilt, I sure as heck don't need blame too. So this Mother's Day, I am giving back by Doing Addict gene, again. Since I can't actually return it to a store like I could a set of china, I've decided to put my feminine super power, creativity, to use so that I can at the very least, get this gene regulated. It's time for some Doing Addict Therapy! Now, I realize that some of my therapy tactics may look like doing behavior, and it's because I've learned that the best way to get my Doing Addict under control is to get her on my side, working for me not against me. If you are a fellow Doing Addict, I invite you to try these out too:

Doing Addict Therapy

• Become a fantastic relaxer.  "I am a great relaxer, practicing many different forms of doing nothing." No TV, no crackberry. Now I am not going to sit and stare at the walls, that is painful and not relaxing for me. What I am going to do is find what relaxes me and then do that. I've been practicing with reading fiction books. It takes me to a different world and totally relaxes me. What relaxes you?
  
• Pick a sacred time when NO work can be done. "I set time each week that is just for me." I call it Goddess Sunday, and from the time I wake up until noon I do nothing that involves achieving anything. No talking about work, check lists or house work. Just me, a latte and the goddess. Maybe a book, magazine, or a talk with my guy. But no work on Goddess Sundays until noon. When is your sacred time?
  
• Have FUN with my friends, not work, not problem solving, FUN. "I have play dates with my friends when we just have FUN." I like to think of being 15 again and what we did for fun. Walk in the rain, listen to music, talk about movie stars, watch ridiculous movies, eat ice cream, drink wine (well maybe that's different). I've become much too serious with my friends - a side affect of the doing addict gene - and I am committed to laughing and being girls. When is your next play day? 

For more self-love ideas, you can download the Madly in Love with ME self-love starter kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com