Self Love: June 2009 Archives

TRUTH: 
The first step in loving ME is knowing ME... and while it sounds crazy that it's possible to not know ourselves, most of us really don't.

Yes, most of us have some idea of who we are. We've taken a personality test at work... we've done some soul searching... we know our astrological sun sign... and we've been working long enough to know our strengths and 'weaknesses', but truly knowing ME beyond the image, the fears and the societal pressures takes more than that. It takes a conscious choice to actually say, "You know what, I am going to get off this crazy treadmill called life, where everyone is running around trying to get to the next job, house, etc. and I am going to find out what I really want from my life... and to do that I need to first understand who I really am!"  And it takes help from people who can help you peel away of the layers of images, masks and yuck that aren't you.

I have worked with lots of women to help them find their REAL ME ... I've spent years finding my own REAL ME... and what I can tell you is that knowing ME happens on at least three levels, probably more. But let's start with two this week, and next week we will cover the third:

LEVEL ONE:  Who are you NOT? The gremlins or the mean girl in your head.
 

Before we wake up and live on what I call 'self awareness mode' vs. autopilot, we are driven by our fears, defense patterns and belief systems -- all yucked up stuff that has nothing to do with who we really are, in fact they keep us from the REAL ME. They are the voices in your head that tell you that you can't, the defenses that push people and good situations away, and if you don't know what yours are, they will silently run your life. How do you find them? Check out the Dare #1 below to get started identifying and redeploying your Gremlin Crew.


LEVEL TWO:  Who are you NOT? The baggage you were handed but that you don't have to keep carrying.

Obligations, shoulds, musts... all those hard, heavy bags that we pick up from society, relatives and the media. They tell us what we should do, who we should be, how we have to act and they are full of heavy emotions like guilt, self doubt, and overwhelm. But you know what? Yes, we've all been handed these bags along the path of our life, AND no one is making us continue to carry them. We choose to carry them and the are H-E-A-V-Y! So heavy, that they keep us from seeing the real me. Women have been carrying these bags for centuries, so it's no wonder we have things like guilt programmed into our DNA... but we can no longer afford to carry these heavy bags around. How do you start kicking them to the curb (or to the recylcing bin?) Read Dare #2 and get started!



DARES:  take one, take two-- what do you have to lose?

Dare #1: Have a Face Off With Your Inner Mean Girl
You know that voice in your head that loves to tell you what you did wrong, what you should have done or how you will never be good enough? Some call it the inner critic. I call her your inner mean girl, and as my friend and host of the Women's Master Series Amy Ahlers says, this girl loves to tell Big Fat Lies! My mean girl is named Mean Patty and she has red pigtails and freckles. What does your mean girl look like? What is her name? What are the lies she tells you? Write that all down. Draw a picture. And then have a Mean Girl Face Off. I want you to literally talk to her and tell her that she needs to knock it off! Give her a new job. Ask her to say the opposite of the mean big lie. And tell her to give you a break!

Dare #2:  Give up Guilt.
Guilt is a totally useless emotion - as least as far as we use it as women to beat ourselves up. I dare you to give up guilt... and to do it by stopping the obligations, the shoulds and the could haves. Don't take the guilt from other people - if they try to guilt you, name it and call them on it. If you find yourself wallowing in the guilt, notice how it makes you feel and what it is actually helping you accomplish. And then ask yourself in that moment - what do i WANT to do right now? And then do it.


Have a great week getting to know YOU even better by getting rid of all the junk that's not you - remember this self love stuff is a fun adventure you get to take, not that you have to take. Enjoy loving you more and more every day!

Notes from the Self-Love Train...
Inspiration From My Portland Trip


This past Sunday I spent four hours with 12 women in Portland, Oregon -- the first ever Choosing ME before WE Book Club Chat. I anticipated that it would be an afternoon well spent, what I got was so much more. Of course there was wine, cheese, and conversation... but there was also laughter, tears and healing. I knew we would laugh and share stories, that is what we do when we get together as women, right? But what struck me most, what always strikes me most when I sit with a group of women, is the deep healing that can come when two or more of us get together and just witness each others truth. We didn't have to solve each others problems, we didn't have to figure anything out, we just had to sit there and listen, through the tears and the honest to goodness, damn-straight truth, and give witness to this and this woman's story, who of course was so similar to my own. Our stories are really not so different - different men, women and details, but the underpining storyline - same.

Although we talked about so much that day, the one thing that really struck my heart was the story of "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself" that I heard over and over again - different details, same story. And it reminded me of how many times I have faced that myself... and how the only way through it was through it, with love for myself.

ME LOVE MESSAGE TO SELF:   I FORGIVE YOU!

There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. I know for me, it took me only a year to forgive my ex-person - who was a real jerk to me -- and it took me 5 years to forgive myself. 5 years to forgive ME for putting myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, for compromising what I really wanted to keep him in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing him, for begging this man to love me, for loving a man even after he spit in my face, for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.

When I heard these same stories - different details - in Portland, it reminded me how important it is for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them, -- especially when it's in front of other women -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! What a load is lifted and WOW! how much more free she is!

Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admiting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side. So I guess in a way there is a magic pill - self-love. And there is a magic pathway -- doing it with other women as witnesses, because every time we show our pain, let it go and let the love in, we do the same for the women watching.

One book that really helped me was little book called The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello. That book saved my life. Check it out... http://tinyurl.com/mstpdt

And another that I found years later that has great stuff is Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.  And just cuz i like threes, you can also find some great ideas for amping that ME-Love affair up by downloading the free Madly in Love with ME Guide at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com