Self Love: December 2009 Archives

As I sit here the day before the new year, I am committed to releasing all the old patterns that no longer serve me - or at least the ones I can manage to get out of my system in the next 24 hours before the apple hits midnight!

I've already released 12 in the time between solstice and today, New Years Eve, yet here I sit, recovering achievement junkie just having completed a dance with yet another obsessive thought pattern that from what I can tell does me no good, at least not now at the age of 38. I'd like to leave this old pattern, let's call it Obsessive Thought Pattern #13 in 2009. Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you have an obsessive thought pattern of your own you'd like to throw off the cliff of 2009 before you give your first New Years Kiss.

My Obsessive Thought Pattern #13: It's the pattern tied to my inability to relax without having a good reason -- and it goes like this.

I wake up on this particular morning and I feel tired. I know that I have lots of things 'to do' but my gas tank feels empty. I've been working non stop for three days on a deadline, writing and creating to bring inspiration to the world, a noble but exhausting cause. But really no different than the energy any of us women exude on a day when we are taking care of everyone and everything else.

When I wake up with this feeling, I know that I need the morning 'off.' That it would be for my best good to not even look at my email til after noon and just take the morning to BE. I am beat tired and I need to refuel. So I say, "Ok, you worked hard these last three days so you deserve the morning off." And that starts the entire chain reaction of needing to have a reason to relax.


Thought #1: I feel so tired. But WHY am I tired?  (why is often a warning sign for an obsessive thought pattern emerging!)
Followed by:  What did I do wrong to be so tired? Did I work too hard? Not get enough rest? Should I have meditated more? What did I do wrong to make myself tired?

(sane note: it is insane that i need a reason to be tired, as if I can't just be tired because i am? as if our bodies don't have natural cycles of high energy and low energy. Am I supposed to be at vibration 100% every day 24/7?)

Then once that circus has finished in my head, the next thought forms...

Thought #2 forms:  Well I am tired, but should I relax or should I do something to charge my energy. Maybe I should go for a walk in the woods? Chant? Breathe? Do Something!
Followed by:  What if just relaxed? After all I am tired, and since I am tired, relaxing would be a good thing to do. Because then once I  recharge, I can do more.

(sane note:  Why is it that in order to relax, I have to be tired? That I need a reason to relax as if my wanting to take care of myself wasn't a good enough reason? And that I only see relaxing as a means to getting to do more later?)

This is an obsessive thought pattern that I've probably had forever, and I didnt really get it until today when I was talking to my friend Catherine  who came over while I was in this circus of my mind, and she said to me something like, "Sometimes I just lay on the floor or in my bed for a whole day or a few hours and watch out the window or listen to the sounds." Wow, I thought. Really? That sounds nice. My achiever would however go into convulsive spasms if I tried to do that! And yet, her words struck me into a middle ground that led me to the place where I could let go of this obsessive thought pattern...

While I won't be laying still for hours anytime soon, if I am tired, I am just tired. Don't need a reason. Just need to ask my body what she needs and do that thing. And while I may be able to do more after I am done relaxing, the reason for relaxing is not just to recharge to do more.... I am relaxing because I am taking care of ME, and taking care of means I am loving ME. And self-love is a good thing that requires no reasoning, even for an achiever like me :)

Trade in Overwhelm for the Power of Pause

 

Every year, it's the same old drill isn't it. We start off with the best intentions, with gusto, resolved to reach our goals and make this 'the' year. But by February that gusto has been drained down by the overwhelm, pressure and realities of day-to-day life. Come October, we're wondering where the year went, and not feeling quite as successful as we had hoped we would when the year started. And then without warning, it's Thanksgiving, then December and a flurry of presents and parties. Before we know it Jan 1 has arrived, and with it the immense pressure to make this 'the' year. 

 

If you are a Type A person, you likely go into New Year's resolution and goal setting mode. If you are the Type B variety, you're likely more relaxed and avoid serious goal setting, stepping into the new year with faith that it will all work out. The truth is that neither of these strategies work. Type A or Type B, these approaches are insane. They keep you doing the same thing year after year expecting different results, which by definition is insanity.

I lived this way for most of my life. Born as a Type A, I began every year with a die-hard New Year's Resolution - quit smoking, lose 5 lbs, start jogging - that I was determined to meet, I never did. By my late 20s I realized that resolutions don't work, and I turned to another Type A tool - goal-setting. For the next three years I created elaborate spreadsheets with quarterly S.M.A.R.T. goals, just like my m.b.a. corporate training had taught me. With specific, measurable, actionable, relevant and timely goals success had to be imminent, right? Nope. Sure, I met some of my goals, but the only thing I saw when I looked at my massive spreadsheet was everything I hadn't accomplished. Another Type A, achiever quality, always more to do. What my goals did do was make me feel worse about myself.

 

Finally around the age of 33, I got smart, and decided to set aside my achievement junkie tools, and find out what people who were really living successful lives did. What I realized very quickly was that I had three big flaws in how I approached each year:

 

1.     I didn't stop to reflect on the year that had passed. I went right from one year into the next, without stopping to recognize all that had happened. I was living my life as if I was a mountain climber, arriving at the mountain top of each year, but not stopping to take in the view that I worked so hard to achieve. Instead, I just took a quick breath, and kept pushing up the next mountain, the next year, without celebrating my successes or learning from my failures. No wonder I was exhausted. No surprise that I never felt like I really accomplished what I wanted, all I could see was the next mountain.

·       Truth: In order to grow, we must stop, celebrate, reflect and learn at the end of every cycle

·       Action: Ask yourself four questions about this last year before Jan 1^st, and journal the answers: What were my Surprises? Successes? Failures? Learnings?

 

2.     I pressured myself to have my entire year mapped out by the first week of January. I had created timelines in my head that had to be met so I could get busy doing what needed doing. One week at the beginning of the year seemed reasonable. What I failed to realize was that I was working against nature. December is meant to be a time of slowing down and going inward, not running around like a maniac visiting people and shopping for presents. People and presents good, mania not. I should have started my year-end process way before Jan 1. I also learned that January is meant to be the 'dreaming time' because everything is frozen and still. It's a month long for a reason... to give us that long to dream our new year. And here I was trying to stuff 30 days into a week, such an over-achiever!

·       Truth. December is for reflecting. January is for dreaming and setting the intentions of what you will seed and grow in the coming year.

·       Action: Looking at the year ahead, ask yourself three questions, "What do I want to do? What do I want to have? And who do I want to become?"

 

3.     My head wrote my goals. Trained to think and live from my head, trained to think dreams were fluffy puffy events that happened when I slept, I wrote goals through the lense of what would drive my career, bank account and fitness level forward. I focused on the achievements I believed would bring me success, as I understood success then. What I failed to realize was that my understanding of success was extremely limited and that the real goal of it was only one thing: my happiness. And happiness didn't come from my head, it started in my heart, which is the place from which I would be better served to write my goals from. Yes, my mind is extremely valuable but it is only a tool to making my dreams realities. I had been starting in the wrong place.

·       Truth. Goals must start with the dreams we have for ourselves, which can only be found in our heart.

·       Action: Give your goals the 'energy litmus test.' Read them aloud to yourself or a friend and rate the energy and passion you feel behind it. If it's not at least a 9 or 10, rewrite it until it is. Example: It's the difference between "I will go to yoga three times a week. I will eat food that is good for me. I will lose 5 lbs." and "My Body is my Moving Temple." That is a real example from my 2009 intentions.

 

Each of these flaws can be boiled down to one thing: my previous failure to understand the power of PAUSE. I had been trained to hit the GO GO GO button all my life and while that made me a very good achiever, it also made me a very busy and exhausted woman that didn't always spend her energy, time and money on what was most important, and what truly had the power to accelerate my progress to my dreams... or bring me happiness on a daily basis.

 

What I learned was that PAUSE is like a super power, when we activate it, PAUSE accelerates our ability to make our dreams realities because it provides us with something we can't get when we are running through life as a frenzied, frazzled energizer bunny -- PAUSE gives us wisdom.  Alice Walker, Pulitzer prize winning author of the Color Purple said in a commencement address in 2002 , "Wisdom, however, requires a pause... it is the pause that gives us clarity...." And, if I look at this woman's life, witnessing her grace and her success on all accounts, I think to myself, the Pause has served her well, so I know it can serve me well too.

 

This December and January, I will be taking a set of PAUSEs, using a simple but powerful structure I created based on the wisdom I found during my last five PAUSE periods. I'm glad to report that there are no spreadsheets and that this process makes me feel great about ME at the end of the year, instead of pointing out my shortcomings. Now that doesn't mean that I am going to cut myself off from the world for two months. I still have plenty to do these months, but I will slow down and I will take big blocks of time to be with myself, my dreams and my thoughts. I invite you this December and January to activate your super power of PAUSE, to find a structure that works for you, one that allows you to reflect first and then expand, focus and energize your intentions for 2010.

 

Your Invited to Pause On December 17^th at 12pm PST.

I'm hosting a free PAUSE tele-call on Dec 17 where I will share and teach the ancient and super energizing system for RELFLECTING. It's the first step in creating a fantastic 2010. The time between December 21^st and December 25^th is the most powerful time of the month for reflecting, so set aside at least one day during that time to reflect. Register for the call by clicking here http://www.daretoliveyou.com/christine_events.htm#prepause

 

 

About Christine Arylo

Inspirational catalyst and self-love expert, Christine Arylo is a self-admitted, but recovering, achievement junkie and doing addict. A teacher, writer, coach, speaker, m.b.a., author, and conversation provocateur,  Christine has appeared on E! Entertainment, CBS, FOX and ABC and over 100 radio stations around the country. You can find her online at www.daretoliveyou.com or www.madlyinlovewithme.com, in person teaching her Feminine Super Powers to women and men, or at home with her partner Noah and their Husky Nanook.

Bears never feel guilty about staying home for the holidays, so why should we?

I was thinking again about those self-loving bears and how they spend the holidays. At home, in their cave, probably with a nice fire and some honey. And definitely without the guilt, obligation or pressure so many of us feel laden with at this holiday time.

In our day to day life, we do feel pressure to take care of everyone and everything else and at the holidays this feeling doesn't go away, it usually gets stronger. Whether it's making sure the holiday dinner is cooked perfectly, the holiday party is a smash success, cards are sent out on time, or we've bought presents for everyone so no one feels left out. As women we are naturally giving, and that is a feminine super power that we want to hold onto, for sure. But, sometimes we give so much to others, that we forget to give to ourselves. We put our self-love on hold, especially during the holidays.

Guilt. Stress. Obligation. Our lack of self love and over giving nature can show up in a million ways. Like maybe you don't really want to go visit Aunt Sally or spend the entire day with your husband's family or pack up everything and travel during this crazy holiday time. Maybe you just want to stay home and cook dinner for your close friends and family. Or maybe you want to go skiing in Tahoe or even spend the day doing absolutely nothing. Or maybe something totally different. But you don't feel like you can just say, "NO, I don't want to do 'that' I want to do 'this' instead. Or maybe you don't even feel like you know why you want, you just know it's not that.

We are usually so busy doing the holidays, that we never even pause to "How do I really want to spend the holidays?"