Recently in Self-Love Stories Category

My whole life for as long as I can remember I have had a deep and primal internal drive whose job it has been to propel me forward... into the next job, house, or project. This drive was like a motor with the power and throttle of a speed boat, almost always on, sometimes in neutral (not often) and never completely off to just float in the water. It was constantly moving under the surface to do better, be better and have better.

I received a lot from this motor, for years it had been necessary for my survival. It propelled me out of a small-minded suburb... into college, later graduate school, then up the corporate ladder, out to California and eventually it catapulted me into the courage to leave my six-figure job to pursue my passion to teach, write and speak about self-love (a passion I only found on one of those rare occasions I let myself float with the motor off.)

But somewhere in the past three years, I began to see the cost of the continuously running motor, and I began to see the deeply ingrained patterns that ran me ragged...

COST: I had become the gas station slave to my life (and this motor),,, I worked harder and more than I had to because I had to fuel the motor with MY energy. This meant I had to work almost all the time. Sure I could take short breaks but I had to be ready to go back to fueling because eventually the motor would need more fuel, and as the gas attendant I was the only one to do it, in my mind. My internal psyche was hard wired to believe that I had to put the energy into my book, courses, websites, or whatever wouldn't generate the energy needed to sustain my life and my business. I had tons of faith in the universe to provide me opportunities, to show me the way and to be there when I fell... but I did not trust (or know how to trust) that it would do the majority of the fueling for me.

PATTERN: I have to drive and strive in order to survive. This "Carrot Chasing Pattern", and all Carrot Chasing Patterns keep us always chasing 'tomorrow' for the day 'when' XX will be true. Up until my early 30s, I had chased the carrot of happiness, the belief that a new house, job or anything external would make me 'happy.' At the age of 33, when I finally gave up that carrot and got that happy had to come from inside of me, I started chasing another carrot... I have enough of XX to finally relax, breathe, let go. For me that looked like beliefs - many subconscious, some not -- like "If I got XX book sales, or get on national TV or have XX amount of money then finally I wouldn't feel this massive pressure to strive, drive and make my life, my dreams and my intentions happen.

But the truth is that just like my happiness, the day that I will finally feel like I can relax, let go, breathe and trust that I am indeed taken care of will never come from an external measure like money, time, or achievements. It has to come from inside of me first. If I believe somewhere inside of me that I have to drive and strive to survive, I will continue to push myself until I fall over in exhaustion (which I have.)

We all have these self-sabotaging patterns, beliefs and habits that drive us, that take us away from what our hearts and souls truly want, the problem is that most of us have no idea that they are the one fueling that motor that never seems to shut off. The way I found this striving/driving carrot chasing pattern - and the way I find most of my patterns is through one of my 40-day self-love practices, this one called the Summer of Self-Love, designed to teach women, including ME, how to release the self-sabotaging pattern and pressure off of having to do, be and have it all... and replace it with the self-loving habit of "Receiving"  

 
On Day 7 of our RECEIVING practice, my power boat hit a brick wall. I awoke with an excruciating pain on my left side. I NEVER get sick, but on this day my body said different. I sat up, ouch! I got out of bed and couldn't stand straight... I crawled back into bed, totally confused.

I looked over to my partner Noah's nightstand and his deck of Doreen Virtue's Angel oracle cards lit up as if to get my attention (oracle cards are decks of cards in which each card contains a message, piece of wisdom or inspiration.) Now, I NEVER use his Angel cards. But then again, I was having a NEVER kind of day, so I reached over (ouch), opened the box, held the Angels in my hand and asked, "Angels, what do I need to "do" to RECEIVE today?" The card I pulled was, no kidding, "CLEAR YOURSELF... ask the angels to absorb any toxic energies you have absorbed." Hmmm. that made sense! I clearly had some toxins stuck in my kidneys making the left one hurt like heck.

Over the following 2 days, I visited my acupuncturist, drank weird herbs, slept, got angry that I was sick, blamed myself for being sick (yes, I get mad at myself for being sick), and the evening of third day, at the urging of my girlfriend to just let myself be sick, I finally surrendered and gave myself permission to ENJOY being sick, in bed. Within 24 hours, I realized three things:

1. 1. I had been getting the message to slow down since we started the receiving practice, but I couldn't find the throttle to turn off the motor. I didn't know how to slow down to the speed the universe was asking me to, so I smashed myself into a brick wall (aka ouch side pain.)
2. I have had a pattern for my entire lifetime that I no longer need, and that I am finally ready to release. My pattern, tied to my basic survival, was that if i wasn't striving or driving then I was not surviving. I released that pattern and in it's place, I installed the belief that I am a finely tuned instrument in the universe's orchestra, and I know that as such I am always taken care of. I will play my best, take care of myself so I can play with the most power possible, and that is very different energy than striving.
3. I love floating. I remember as a kid, that I had a hard time learning how to float, I always sank. I think I had a hard time trusting that I could float on my own. So one of my favorite things to do at our summer cottage became to get on one of those big plastic floats, float in the lake in the sun, knowing that I was held by the float and it by the water. Only then could I relax. I was only 7 - patterns start early!
   

We all have patterns that keep us from receiving... that keep that striving, driving, surviving, motor running.

I INVITE you to ask yourself these two questions to uncover and transform your patterns so that you too can learn a deeper level of trust and open yourself up to receive.

1. What is/are the underlying motivation, fear, or belief that keeps you driving, pushing, striving, always doing, or trying to make it happen? Think back through your life and look at the circumstances and experiences. You will find you answer there. Pick one pattern and make the choice to shift it. Once you bring it to awareness, the universe will meet you to help you make the shift.

2. Can you float? And do you? Do you spend ample time floating, and do you trust the universe to hold you up when you do? What beliefs and patterns can you shift or embrace to give you more floating time and more access to the universe fueling your tank?

I will leave you with this thought... a wise, happy and wealthy man once told me that the key to success was to spend your energy getting to a stream that was already running and then allow that stream to carry you. People who work way harder than they have to, and put too much pressure on themselves, he said, those are the people who spend all their energy trying to create their own stream.

So this summer, I invite us all to paddle over the stream that is running fully with the energy of the divine feminine and masculine, and let them be the fuel that powers us as we play as finely tuned instruments in their symphony of life. I'm here on my float, trusting, paddle on over!

www.summerofselflove.com 

If you read the common definition of vulnerability in the dictionary, which is

"capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon,"

it's no wonder most of us skitter around vulnerability. No one in their right mind wants to be open to attack. And with a definition like this it's no wonder that we don't have the intimacy we really want in our relationships or with ourselves for that matter. We say we want intimacy with our mates, but most of us are totally unequipped to give it in return. Most people are not that great at vulnerability and for good reason. They have spent their lives learning they have to protect themselves. But the fact is, that if we really want to experience love, we have to be able and willing to be totally vulnerable. But not in the way our current dictionaries define it. We need to be vulnerable in the real meaning of the word, which actually exudes great strength and fortitude.

If you're like me and most of the women I've met in my journey of teaching and reading the principles of Choosing ME before WE, we could all use a redefined version of vulnerability. Here's my take on vulnerability. A new definition for today's 21st century woman, a woman who can be totally in love with herself and be totally available to share love with another. She is a woman who dares to be loved, because she can:




understands that to be vulnerable is not weak, but instead is one of the strongest powers she possesses.

can open herself to be seen so deeply at her most truest and innocent self, that she has the ability to fully receive love from another.

has the capacity to accept and give love freely, unafraid that anything can or will be taken away from her.

is unafraid to show the raw, real feelings that live inside her soul.

knows her expression of vulnerability can open the heart of another, inviting them to show their raw & real self.

always steps forward in love. Even if she knows she may get hurt, it's worth the risk. And with sovereignty on her side, she knows she will never give herself away.

is unafraid to cry, tell the truth, appear weak, or be wrong.

understands that she can't expect what she can't give.

understands that vulnerability is the key to intimacy.

is unafraid to ask for or show the way to her partner to create this vulnerability.

It all came to me at a café on Friday when I decided to sit down with my notebook and journal my own journey of falling in love with Christine. I wanted to know, How did I do it? At what point did I know? And where am I at on this journey?

I totally expected to start the documentation of my self-love journey at the age of 30. After all that was the age at which I realized, due to the life changing events that followed my broken engagement, that I didn't really love me at all. But instead when I put pen to paper, I found myself traveling back in time to when I was a really little girl, like being five, then being 7, and then 10. It was like seeing myself through a looking glass, observing me, this little girl.

What I saw through the piles of stuffed animals, love of drawing and penchant for collecting everything, was her innocence, her happiness and her wonder of the magic of the world. I could literally see and feel what she felt and saw in her, in my, experience of the world. That's when the revelation hit me. OMG, I was born in love with myself, and in love with the world. I had it, I felt it, I was it. It was totally something that I came in with... but then something shifted. I began to see myself somewhere around the age of 11 when that beautiful love was cracked and shattered...  it began to be stolen away by people and situations that hurt me, chunks of love taken away, leaving these gaping holes inside me that I wouldn't go back to fill until the age of 30.

So first, I was mad! I had it, the self-love, totally and 100%. I really did love me. I really did love the world and everything in it. And then people hurt me... and with their actions, they stole my love. And if that was true for me, it was true for every person. We were all stealing each others self-love!  

And then I was sad! Wow, 19 years of living without that complete love of ME. I still was hugely successful without it - college, career, material stuff, so I lived totally oblivious to the fact that I was missing anything. It was like my own personal version of the Dark Ages. I saw clearly the events that had taken place, which had caused me to start building a force field around my heart... that layer upon layer had created an armor that not even I could penetrate. I saw how because I had felt unprotected, I had learned to protect myself. And I saw clearly that protection had kept me from having the unconditional love I craved... for myself, and with someone else for a long, long time.

And then I was excited! If this was all true, which I knew it to be, than what this all really meant was... I didn't have to learn to be in love with myself, I had to remember how to be in love with ME. And I started to see that how the choice at the age of 30 to put massive amounts of time and energy into healing those holes created by the love stealers and into taking down the armor and learning to let myself be loved, had in fact been the exact path that had gotten me to the first time in my life in which I could honestly say, I do really love me, and I did.

And if it was possible for me... it is possible for everyone.



If you want to fall even more in love with YOU, you can visit the self-love site I started called Madly in Love with ME.  You can download for free the Madly in Love with ME Guide, full of zany, yet proven, Love Tips, Love Adventures and Love Inspirations.  www.madlyinlovewithme.com