It's day 5 of the New Year and I don't know
about you, but I can just feel all the pressure, obligations, and have
to's trying to creep in to this beautiful month of January which is
meant to be all about dreaming in your year to come.
A year that you, me, everyone wants to be full of happiness and love.
That's always how we start each New Year isn't it? With those hopes?
And then we think if we are lucky, we'll live and end the year that way.
But what I've learned over the years is that hope doesn't really cut it.
Just hoping is like a crap shoot, and life's too precious for that.
And being over controlling, or over goal oriented doesn't work either.
Cuts off the miracles and the magic that your brain can't even think of yet.
What does work is clarity...
Clarity that only comes from asking your heart & soul what THEY really want.
Because they're the ones with the answers that lead you to happiness and love, always.
As my 2012 New Year gift to you, I taped this video...
It includes 3 questions that I believe every person should ask
themselves in these first few weeks of 2012... and then make your
choices from there.
I'm using these questions myself!
They are simple questions, and
they will make you clear on what really brings you happiness and love...
and lead you down the path of making decisions that lead you to where
you want to go... not just keep you busy.
AND I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR ANSWERS to the QUESTIONS... just like I shared mine. Post them below and I will bless them with LOVE!
3 super powered tools for turning your
inner critic into your best business partner
by Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers,
co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School
When you made the decision to start
your own business, you probably got lots of advice on how to be
successful, right? Solid advice like keep an eye on your expenses,
create a marketing plan, put yourself out there as much as possible,
etc.
But did anyone warn you that the
biggest and most likely threat your business faces is not out there
in the marketplace, but instead living and breathing inside of you?
Let us introduce you to your Inner
Critic or Inner Mean Girl as we like to call it (or Inner Bully for
all you guys out there). That negative, self-sabotaging,
self-critical voice in your head tells you big fat lies like "You're
not good enough," "If you try, you'll probably fail," or
"You've got to work harder if you're ever going to make this
business fly."
Your Inner Mean Girl / Inner Bully is
the slave driver, achievement junkie, doing addict, perfectionist and
wishful thinker that keeps you working like a dog, doing all the work
yourself, and spending money, time, and energy in the wrong places.
It's the voice that makes you feel less happy and successful than
ever.
Here's the truth; you can have the
best strategies, the most stellar product, but if you don't
have the right mindset you will fail, and you'll exhaust yourself
in the process! Or maybe you'll get lucky and reach your goals but
be unable to feel successful or enjoy everything you worked so hard
for. Your Inner Mean / Bully just loves to rob you of celebrating!
The best way to keep your mindset
healthy, and your Inner Mean Girls / Bullies off your back is to know
their toxic tricks and have an antidote in your back pocket to use
when you find yourself in their grips.
After coaching entrepreneurs from all
walks of life for over 17 years combined, we've developed processes
that put your Inner Mean Girl and Inner Bully in their place.
Here are 3 of our favorites for
shifting your mind and securing your success!
#1 Toxic Trick. Comparison
You find yourself going crazy,
comparing yourself to every one else who is more successful, farther
along, or more together than you. Your Comparison Queen / King is
using the Inferiority Complex on you! Antidote: Compliment the
person you are comparing yourself to. Dig deep and find the
inspiration. Yes, that's right, reach out and tell that person how
inspired you are by who they are and what they are doing. You'll be
amazed at the new connections you'll create!
#2 Toxic Trick. Future
Tripping
You achievement junkie is filling your
head with lies like "When I hit that goal, then I'll be happy!"
or "When I hit 6 figures (or 7 figures or more!), I can finally
relax." Your Inner Mean Girl/Inner Bully has you running so fast to
the future that you're too exhausted to enjoy today. Antidote:
Get grateful for what you do have and get happy in the present. When
you find your mind future tripping, stop, drop and do 10 gratitude
statements. Write or say aloud what you appreciate about today.
Notice how you can enjoy the moment!
#3 Toxic Trick. Unrealistic
Expectations
You've just started your day and you
already have a To-Do List a mile long that you are counting on
getting done today. Deep down you know it's humanly impossible to
accomplish them all. But your doing addict has got you convinced that
you can get through the list. So you work like an energizer bunny
gone mad all day, and come 8pm you've not accomplished half of what
you set out to. You set yourself up to fail, and now you beat
yourself up with the "I'm a loser" lie. Antidote: Take a
pause and get real. When you feel yourself moving into overdrive to
get it all done, pause, take a deep breath and decide on the 3 things
that are most important for you to complete today. In your mind, move
the rest to another day. Get real and honest with how much is
reasonable for you to do today. With only those 3 things on your
mind, you're guaranteed to set yourself up for success, and find
time to have a personal life too!
Here's the truth - you have a
one-of-a-kind gift to give the world through your great work. And if
you don't take care of yourself, if you try to do it all alone, and
if you don't enjoy the process along the way, you will never be
able to reach your full potential.
We invite you to try these antidotes
PLUS get started on transforming your own Inner Mean Girl.
Join us on September 24th
for our Inner Mean Girl Reform School free open house call we're
hosting called Stop the Critical Voice in
Your Head from Being So Hard On You... & Start Feeling Truly
Successful & Happy, Now! You'll learn the three
secrets to reforming your Inner Mean Girl or Inner Bully!
Christine Arylo, popular author of
Choosing ME before WE, and Amy Ahlers, celebrated author of
Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves, have taken a stand for
people, especially women, everywhere to say NO! to being so hard on
themselves. They are co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School,
a series of programs that give people tools to transform their
self-sabotaging patterns into new self-empowering habits. They've
successfully coached thousands of people around the world -
including themselves - to take charge of their inner critics once
and for all.
HI Sister or Brother Control Addict - yes, it's okay, you can admit that like most of us human beings you love to control. Well, maybe not love, but you can't seem to help yourself. Control is what your mind believes gives you power. Power to keep yourself safe, secure and successful. Which of course is SO not true. What control really does is give you migraines, stress, swinging emotions and a heck of alot more work!
Not to fret. There is another way to live. One that offers way more happiness, love, peace... one that allows miracles to show up in your life... one that gives you the feeling of safety and security you need to take the risks in life that bring your heart and soul what they truly desire.
And that way is the way of the Feminine Super Power of Surrender. Surrender is the choice to let go of control and struggle, letting yourself step into, fall into, move into the unknown, led by the light of the divine (even when you can't see it!) Check out the video above and I'll share with you why we try to control, why surrender is a much better choice, and two easy ways you can move into surrender vs. control in any moment of your day!
SELF LOVE DARE And then, in honor of us recovering controllers I invite you to post on this blog one thing you are trying to control using this statement of surrender
"I SURRENDER (insert the thing you are trying to control) to the DIVINE (or whatever you call this higher power."
And then put yourself in the Surrender Position (as illustrated in the video) and release control by doing the "I SURRENDER" mantra 3x!
The release feels divine!!
EXTRA SURRENDER INSIGHTS...
Sometimes we don't like to admit we are trying to control, and sometimes we are just totally blind to it. To help you amp up your awareness when you are in Control mode, here are four ways you know when you are NOT surrendering:
ONE: Your Body tells you -
Tighten jaw
Shoulder blades, neck get tense, control the universe spot
Head spins
Anxiety in your chest
Fatigue
TWO: Your Emotions tell you
Crabby
Lash Out
Get bossy
Angst
THREE: Your Mind tells you
Won't shut down or off - insomnia, busy busy, monkey mind, can't meditate
Obsessive - going over and over in head, dog on bone, can't let go
In the future or the past - wishing for it to be different than it is.
FOUR: Your Habits tell you
Work harder - overwork (work-aholic)
Life falls out of balance and harmony - becomes lopsided - all about work, all about the kids, all about helping someone
Reaching out in an obsessive kind of way to get feedback and answers from others - collude, gossip, seek too much feedback
What if I told you that you could get more done by doing less? Would you believe me?
Would you nod your head like you did believe me, even agree to try some of the crazy things I asked you to try, yet still fall back into your old busy, over doing patterns... you know the ones that keep you feeling overworked and overwhelmed without a clue about how to attain the peace of mind the women on the front of your yoga magazine seems to effortlessly emanates?
I get it. I am a recovering achievement junkie and doing addict myself, programmed to push and push until I get to my goal. One of the reasons it makes it so hard to change that programming is that I have this Inner Mean Girl inside my head who I call 'Move-the-bar Brenda.' She is always moving the goal right before I get 'there.' No matter if I reach the goal I originally set out for, or that I did more than a team of 10 horses on their best day could accomplish, in her eyes, and therefore in mine, I fall short, and therefore there is more to do. So I have to keep pushing.
In 2011, with the help of my Inner Wisdom, and some inside tips from a few 'telegrams from heaven' I received (and have included here for you), Move-the-Bar Brenda is going on vacation, far far away. And she would like to invite your over doing, over achieving, over responsible Inner Mean Girl to go with her!
All you have to do is read these telegrams for heaven, decide how they apply to your life and then take an inside action - change your internal filter to see that maybe, just maybe, you can have a bigger impact (and be happier) if you do less in 2011.
In 2011:
Select out a few 'seeds' - project, focuses, desires - and really focus on protecting, and nurturing those precious few. 2010 was all about throwing lots of seeds out there and seeing what grows. 2011 is about letting many of those seeds go, and only protecting a few. The best analogy I heard was from Pamela Eakins, Phd, whose said imagine last year you threw down lots of seeds and this garden started to grow, and now this year, the goats have arrived, and they are going to start to eat everything up. If you could only save a few seeds what would those be? Build a fence around those, protect and grow those.
Narrowing your focus and letting go is okay - trust it. So as you choose your specific seeds, you are going to have to let the goats eat the remaining seeds. Which means you will have to let go of ideas, project, goals, to-dos and more. This of course freaks us overdoers and overachievers out. Just know that this act will bring up some fear, and notice when the fear shows up. Calm your Inner Mean Girl down by closing your eyes, breathing. See how letting go frees you up to have more impact in what you do do. This is about activating your Feminine Super Power of Trust.
Focus on what you are being called to do, because not everything is yours to do. This should make it easier to trust, if you can let your over-responsible Inner Mean Girl take a vacation, knowing that there are MANY people on this planet who are doing great work, who are here to do the things you can't, and who want to help you. My friend and transformational artist Shiloh McCloud always says: Imagine yourself sitting in a circle of women, passing around a ball of red thread. As each woman holds her piece of the red thread we form a strong circle that is powerful enough to do anything. Now imagine cutting off your piece of the red thread. Look down at this one piece... this is what is yours to do. If we each do our part, we don't have to do everyone else's. Whew!!
Slow down. Likely you are missing opportunities and working harder than you need to. By letting things go you will automatically slow down, as long as you don't pick more up. Walk through 2011 with a heightened awareness of your pace. As one woman said to me recently, 'Enjoy the nectar of the earth. Eat the nectar of life." What if your life rolled like honey in 2011?
As you sort out which seeds are yours to grow, water, and take care of this year, use these questions to help you:
What is calling me the most?
How can I best serve? (your gifts are your service, find those gifts and give those)
What will provide me the most stabilization? What will create structures that stabilize my life?
What are my deepest heart's desires for this year?
What does my fear say I need to do, and what does my heart know is mine to do?
In case you are wondering where these telegrams from heaven about 2011 were delivered from, and you want more, I will share with you some of the wonderful angels on earth who have shared their wisdom with me, allowing me to incorporate these thoughts in my year. Check out Pamela Eakins - intuitive wonder and Phd - at www.pamelaeakins.org - and the 13 Grandmothers - www.grandmotherscouncil.org/.
I leave you with this quote from the 13 Grandmothers...
"It is time for the women of the world to own their innate wisdom"
Listen. Slow Down. Stabilize. And enjoy the nectar of life!
TAKE A PAUSE 3 things self-loving bears can teach us about conserving our energy & money this holiday season, using the Feminine Super Power of PAUSE.
It's December, so what do us crazy humans do? Run around like energizer bunnies gone mad, running from party to party, store to store, gift wrapping to cooking baking. Bright lights, big sales and big pressure to see and be everywhere. It is a season that we spend DOING.
\Now compare that to the animals that live in the forest, that live lock and step with nature, following the natural cycle of living on earth. Take the bear for instance, what is he or she up to in December? Is she out canvassing all the holiday sales hoping to get that DVD player on sale? Is he running around from grocery store to grocery store worrying that he won't have enough food to feed the guests for the party he's planned? No way! This smart four legged creature is getting her house (or cave as the case may be) in order, stocking up on all the goods she will need to get her through the frozen winter. She's not spending her stock, she's savoring and saving it, using it slowly. This wise animal has tuned into a station we too often ignore: nature. And for the entire month of December this station is broadcasting one message: SLOW DOWN!
So what do we humans do? We speed up! The opposite of what the energy of the season is asking for. No wonder we are dead tired come Dec 28th, and then we pep up for one last go around on New Year's and then spend the next two months trying to work off all the excess we sped up to create.
Now to be fair, bears don't face the pressure you do. They aren't bombarded with Christmas advertising campaigns. Or relatives and friends that all want to share in the holiday cheer. Self love comes easier to them. But they do have some behaviors you can use this holiday season that can help you SLOW DOWN and at the same time still enjoy all the love and fun that abounds. I know you may not believe me, but it is actually in your nature to SLOW DOWN... when you tap into your Feminine Super Power of PAUSE.
You've just got to slow down long enough to listen. Try these bear-proven tactics:
1. DON'T GIVE ALL YOUR HONEY AWAY, SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF The self-loving, smart bear loves to share her gifts, time and energy, with those she loves, especially her prized honey, but she never empties her shelves. And she never feels guilty for keeping honey for herself. So for you... yes, give to the people and things that you love this holiday season, and RETAIN energy for yourself too. Remember to GIVE to yourself. And do it before you run yourself into a cold or a sore neck. When you start feeling that run down sensation or the stress kick in, ask yourself, "Am I giving all my honey away?" And then do something to replenish.
2. SPEND EXTRA TIME IN YOUR CAVE The self-loving, smart bear isn't romping around the forest in December using up all her energy, she is spending extra time loving being in her cave. After all, she's worked hard all year to make it cozy. December is a time of going inward and it's more natural to want to cozy up at home than to flit from party to party every night. Pick your social outings wisely, doing the ones that fill you up the most. Don't be afraid to pass on social obligations that don't totally light you up. Decline politely, wish them holiday cheer, and then create a cozy, warm space inside your home full of self love, magic and holiday beauty. Use that energy to fill you up.
3. DON"T APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WHAT YOU WANT The self-loving smart bear knows that she knows what is best for her and she doesn't waste her vital energy carrying around feelings of guilt or obligation. She does what she needs to do and wants to do, without apologizing to the other bears. She's never rude, always full of love, and she has no qualms about setting healthy boundaries. Make this a holiday that you do your way. Set the intention that you will fill yourself up with energy, love and happiness this holiday, and anything that doesn't ftl those three bills, you can pass on, without guilt or obligation.
For more ideas on how to fall more in love with you, every day this winter, download the free madly in love with me kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com
It's crazy how often we spend way more effort and emotion than we need in order to reach our goals, organize our lives or 'do' all the things we have set out to do in a day, a week or a year. We 'work' at it vs. 'creating' it. We 'make it happen' vs. 'let it happen.' We force our will and our agendas vs. listening to and using the energy of the moment, letting the universe do the heavy lifting for us. It's like choosing to walk up a mountain with 200lbs on our back vs. taking the sky cap up, giving us the ability to enjoy the view when we arrive as well as all the way up. While you might build some great calves and quadriceps from the heavy lifting approach, living your life this way means missing out on lots of the beauty, views and magic because you'll be too darn tired from working and pushing to enjoy what you've created. Love Fact: When we force and push ourselves, our agendas and others, we work harder not because of some valiant ideal that hard work makes us a better person. We force because we are afraid to trust. We push because we believe that once we attain that status, material thing, accomplishment, task, whatever, we will be happy, successful and enough. The truth is that you are enough right now, that you have nothing to prove, and that if you can stop pushing, you will actually create and draw to you what really makes you happy. Stop working so darn hard at your life, and start loving yourself for who you are today and what you've already created.
What you need: 1. a commitment to find your personal push 2. a physical awareness of how you feel when you push and when you let it happen 3. a willingness to trust
How to Find Your Personal Push & Let it Go To succeed at this tip, you are going to amp up your awareness big time to the difference in how you feel when you are pushing vs. when you are working with the natural flow of things. We all have different types of pushes, but they all stem from a basic lack of belief that we are not enough right now or from a basic fear of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt.
Common personal pushes include:
The Do It All Myself: as long I am busting my butt I am okay.
The Grab For Whatever I Can Get: as long as I am busy I am okay.
I Can Do More! I Can Do More!: as long as I get acknowledgement I am okay.
Once I Get There I'll Be Good: as long as I keep working hard towards my goal, I am okay.
And a whole lot more. What's your Personal Push?
Actions
Make a commitment to find the Personal Push that's running your life right now.
Remind yourself each morning that you are on the look out for your Personal Push.
Throughout the day, as you find yourself feeling stressed, overwhelmed or pressured, notice how your body feels. If it feels tense, overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or really sluggish you are pushing. This is the first step of awareness.
Ask yourself the question, "What am I forcing? What am I trying to push?"
Listen to the answer. You have found your current Personal Push.
Ask yourself, "Why am I pushing this? What happens if I stop pushing?" What about that scares me, or makes me uncomfortable?"
Listen to the answer. You have found the fear behind the Push.
Release the fear using any one of these:
Give Yourself Love On the Spot. Tell yourself, "I am enough right now." Say it til you believe it.
Get Grateful. Make a list out loud of all that you have created already in your life and
Change the Negative to Positive. Say out loud the exact opposite of the fear. For example, if your fear is that if you don't do this one thing, you won't make the money you want, say out loud, "I have all that I need right now. I am totally taken care of." Say it til you feel it.
To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com
For the past 38 years I have suffered from something I have come to call the Achievement Junkie Syndrome. I say suffered purposefully because although I joke about this Syndrome by giving it a funny name, I know that what this syndrome has cost me is no laughing matter. There's nothing funny about being unhappy with what I have and who I am today, with having a sense of self-worth tied only to what I accomplish, and to having a constant battle with exhaustion and overwhelm due to my relentless drive to achieve that one last step on the ladder where I will finally be able to relax and declare I've made it.
After I left my corporate day job three years ago, making the decision to get off the treadmill up the corporate ladder to forge my own way in the world, I thought I had this junkie thing licked. Hah! Addictions die hard. In reality what happened was my need to achieve just got recalibrated, so instead of needing to make it to Vice President status, in my new role as an author, speaker, coach I just created a new expectation bar - to make it to Oprah status.
Three years later, sitting here today writing to you from Dallas Texas, on the heels of three TV interviews, a book appearance and more to come, I've come to a realization that I've had over and over again since embarking on this journey, but for some reason I think I just really got it. Let's call it an "ephinany on the heels of a bunch of ephinettes." You could say it feels like some large piece of wisdom just broke through and broke open a big piece of the Achievement Junkie in me, or maybe I finally was just ready to hear something the universe has been trying to get through for some time ☺
Here it is: I am tired of pushing.
I am tired of pushing so hard to be in the place that I want to be, the place that I see for myself in my head but that isn't the reality of where I am today. I'm tired of the effects of this pushing - exhaustion, working too much and forgetting to have fun, and feeling overwhelm to the point where my life feels like I am drinking out of a firehose, gulping for air between blasts.
So does that mean that I am tired of being an achiever? That I am just going to stop, throw my hands up the air and say forget it! Stop doing? Of course not! Being a person who achieves great things is something I really value about me. Being a person who needs to achieve those is like giving myself a death sentence. I love being an achiever, it's the junkie that I am letting go of again, but this time for good!
If any of this is resonating with you, maybe you have some achiever junkie in you too? If you'd be willing to join me, I have a suggestion that we take this Self-Love Dare together. We all came to this world to give all that we can, and we also came to this world to receive all that we can. Both! So my dare to myself and my dare to all you sister and brother AJs, is to take these three vows with yourself and for yourself:
THE DARE Stop Pushing. And Be Happy & Enough Today. Take these 3 Self-Love Vows
1. I stop pushing & I start receiving. Pushing is a totally ineffective and exhausting way to make things happen. The wise ones use their super powers to set powerful intentions, set the action into motion, and then wait to receive the good stuff, letting the universe do the hard work for us. A wise man once told me, "Spend your energy paddling to the stream that's already flowing, not trying to create your own stream." Another said, "Don't try and climb Mt. Everest by yourself, find others who have climbed it before you, ask for help and pray for good fortune." 2. I am happy today. There is no magic 'there', the place that we imagine that when we get there we will finally be happy. Stop saying, "When I move ... when I get this promotion... when I make this much money... when I get on Oprah... I will be happy." Making your happiness conditional on outside circumstances never makes you happy, and it makes you miss the moments of magic in your life.
3. I am enough right now. Even if you do nothing else that what you have already accomplished in this lifetime, you are enough. Your success is not measured in how much you do or do not accomplish, it will only be measured in the hearts and souls that you touch while on this earth. That can be accomplished only by being truly present and authentically yourself with other people - no title, bank statement or accolades required.
Take the Vows To take these vows one must literally say them out loud. Three times, it's the magic number! Even better stand up, look in the mirror and say them to yourself with conviction and with love in your heart for you! Self Love is a daring act, because it does require us to do some seemingly oddball things, that are only really oddball because they make us uncomfortable. And to quote my third wise man of the day, "Get comfortable being uncomfortable!" I'm heading off to the mirror right now - what are you waiting for??
To get more self-love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com
TRUTH: The first step in loving ME is knowing ME... and while it sounds crazy that it's possible to not know ourselves, most of us really don't.
Yes, most of us have some idea of who we are. We've taken a personality test at work... we've done some soul searching... we know our astrological sun sign... and we've been working long enough to know our strengths and 'weaknesses', but truly knowing ME beyond the image, the fears and the societal pressures takes more than that. It takes a conscious choice to actually say, "You know what, I am going to get off this crazy treadmill called life, where everyone is running around trying to get to the next job, house, etc. and I am going to find out what I really want from my life... and to do that I need to first understand who I really am!" And it takes help from people who can help you peel away of the layers of images, masks and yuck that aren't you.
I have worked with lots of women to help them find their REAL ME ... I've spent years finding my own REAL ME... and what I can tell you is that knowing ME happens on at least three levels, probably more. But let's start with two this week, and next week we will cover the third:
LEVEL ONE: Who are you NOT? The gremlins or the mean girl in your head.
Before we wake up and live on what I call 'self awareness mode' vs. autopilot, we are driven by our fears, defense patterns and belief systems -- all yucked up stuff that has nothing to do with who we really are, in fact they keep us from the REAL ME. They are the voices in your head that tell you that you can't, the defenses that push people and good situations away, and if you don't know what yours are, they will silently run your life. How do you find them? Check out the Dare #1 below to get started identifying and redeploying your Gremlin Crew.
LEVEL TWO: Who are you NOT? The baggage you were handed but that you don't have to keep carrying.
Obligations, shoulds, musts... all those hard, heavy bags that we pick up from society, relatives and the media. They tell us what we should do, who we should be, how we have to act and they are full of heavy emotions like guilt, self doubt, and overwhelm. But you know what? Yes, we've all been handed these bags along the path of our life, AND no one is making us continue to carry them. We choose to carry them and the are H-E-A-V-Y! So heavy, that they keep us from seeing the real me. Women have been carrying these bags for centuries, so it's no wonder we have things like guilt programmed into our DNA... but we can no longer afford to carry these heavy bags around. How do you start kicking them to the curb (or to the recylcing bin?) Read Dare #2 and get started!
DARES: take one, take two-- what do you have to lose?
Dare #1: Have a Face Off With Your Inner Mean Girl You know that voice in your head that loves to tell you what you did wrong, what you should have done or how you will never be good enough? Some call it the inner critic. I call her your inner mean girl, and as my friend and host of the Women's Master Series Amy Ahlers says, this girl loves to tell Big Fat Lies! My mean girl is named Mean Patty and she has red pigtails and freckles. What does your mean girl look like? What is her name? What are the lies she tells you? Write that all down. Draw a picture. And then have a Mean Girl Face Off. I want you to literally talk to her and tell her that she needs to knock it off! Give her a new job. Ask her to say the opposite of the mean big lie. And tell her to give you a break!
Dare #2: Give up Guilt. Guilt is a totally useless emotion
- as least as far as we use it as women to beat ourselves up. I dare
you to give up guilt... and to do it by stopping the obligations, the
shoulds and the could haves. Don't take the guilt from other people -
if they try to guilt you, name it and call them on it. If you find
yourself wallowing in the guilt, notice how it makes you feel and what
it is actually helping you accomplish. And then ask yourself in that
moment - what do i WANT to do right now? And then do it.
Have a great week getting to know YOU even better by getting rid of all the junk that's not you -
remember this self love stuff is a fun adventure you get to take, not
that you have to take. Enjoy loving you more and more every day!
Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations by Christine, age 38
I recently learned that I am an instant gratification junkie. I want what I want when I want it, which is usually right now! I live by the motto, enjoy the day today, fully, and worry about it tomorrow, if even then. And my fingers love to touch, feel and buy things that glimmer, bounce and promise me at the very least a quick hit of happy. I think I would be mortified by this admission if not for the fact that I know that I am not alone in my instant gratification junkie status. I live in a country of IGJs (did I just create a new self-help group... IGJs Anonymous?)
Junkie I may be, I am also a strong willed woman who is committed to always evolving into the best, most 'evolved' Christine. So when faced with the April Dare on Girltalk... taking it deeper this month, www.letsgirltalk.com, a.k.a.the $25/7 Happiness Challenge - i.e., you can only spend $25 or less for an entire week - I jumped in with both feet! Okay, well maybe I dipped my toes in the water first!. I admit, I was a little freaked out about only having $25 for the entire week.
After coming out of the Dare alive, although I am by no means totally recovered after one week of having to tame my instant gratification junkie, I did learn a bit about what I can do to make me happy without spending a dime:
- Look at, touch, even play with the shiny happy objects I see in the store. Appreciate them. And then put them back down. It's like getting the high without having to purchase.
- Invent ways to use what is already in my fridge and cabinets and make it a challenge to create something that tastes good out of ingredients you never thought could go together. And then delight in your inventiveness.
- Instead of meeting people for lunch or at a coffee shop, use the world around to connect, talk and get some exercise. I met a new friend and colleague and we went for a hike. Another new peer I had virtual coffee with and made my own tea - barista that I am!
- Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, being grateful for everything that I have. I mean literally stopping in my tracks to look around at everything I have that I love - my dog, my house, my man, my friends, my brown blankie, my garden, my everything. I have so so much and it's so easy to focus on everything I haven't yet attained (did I mention that I am also a recovering achievement junkie?) Stopping everyday to get into my heart, to stop and see the world around me and to feel, really feel, how grateful I am -- well that is priceless!
Janet, age 24, says:
I don't think personal happiness can be bought. I believe it is found in the simple things in life. One of my favorite things to do is go out and run/walk the Chicago lakefront. I find a sense of serenity and inner peace looking at the water. I love putting on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air on a crisp morning and clearing my mind with my iPod. I love hitting the lake after work during the summer and watching the lake change colors. The best part is that it doesn't cost a thing and I get a little more exercise in my day!
I find happiness is a bubble bath after a long day of work or weekend activities. Nothing beats great smelling bubble bath and candles, it gives me time to connect with me and my feelings. I like the water because it has the ability to melt away stresses from the day and let me relax. When I go to take a bath, the Blackberry doesn't come in the bathroom, it is truly me time.
I believe in taking a few minutes out of my day to mediate, pray, or practice yoga. It allows me time to build a stronger connection with me on the inside. Finding time for this can be tough, and I don't do it every day, but at least a couple times a week. You can mediate or pray just about anywhere, in the car, in bed, sitting outside, or in the bedroom before bed.
Another activity that doesn't cost a thing is calling a friend or family member and talking. It gives me time to reconnect with people in my life. I can call them from just about anywhere with cell phones these days. Taking 15 minutes to connect with someone you haven't talked to in a long time, can be healing for the soul.
Happiness can be found in many activities, which don't cost a thing. I believe finding things, which don't cost a thing make me explore the possibilities of the world around me. If you take a step back and really check how you spend, you might realize that happiness doesn't cost a dime. It is in the moments where you can take a few minutes and connect with you!
Jenn, age 36, says:
I tend to feel my happiest when I feel free, am enjoying the company of someone close to me, and letting the flow of the moment dictate our journey. I went for a bike ride with a friend around Coronado Island (San Diego) one afternoon recently. Although unspoken, we approached it like an adventure with no set agenda. Our first stop was the beach where we pulled out a beach volleyball to practice hitting and bumping. Then through a shift in imagination, the volleyball morphed into a soccer ball, and we took turns playing goalie between two volleyball net posts. Eventually the game became who could kick the ball closest to our backpacks (I won!). We snacked on some fruit and then hopped back on our bikes to ride to the other end of the island to overlook the harbor and downtown skyline. We posed for funny photos with our camera. I did cartwheels in the grass. We made up stories about the tourists around us. It was an amazing afternoon of laughter and adventure and connection - and it was so easy.
Something else that is easy and free but brings me great pleasure is reading a book that is both intellectually challenging (whether professionally or personally) and entertaining. A friend recently let me borrow the book "The Female Brain," about gender/sexual hormonal and neuroscience research. Every chance I get to read to a few pages just lights me up. The other day I was able to settle in for a bit of reading, with a mug of blueberry green tea, curled up on my shag rug in a shaft of sunlight, learning and growing. Later that evening, while leading a free group discussion about sexual empowerment, I was integrating and sharing my new knowledge to the benefit of others. I get such a buzz off of being fascinated with new information that is relevant to my passion and work, being able to integrate it into what I already know, and then applying it to guide myself and others through our sexual and intimacy journeys. I think I'm kind of a dork that way, but it makes me so happy and excited!
Debba, age forty-something, says: What have you done to be happier that has not cost a dime.
James Taylor sings: "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
It's been exactly a year since I quit corporate America to follow my dream and build my business (www.girlfriendology.com). With a freelance writer as a husband, that change meant no more paychecks or provided insurance. To be honest, it's been a tough year but I am proud to say we're just as happy as we were before - and maybe a bit more appreciative. All in all, we've enjoyed the passage of time and it's been great.
These are just a few things that have changed in the past year with a positive impact on my overall happiness:
We rarely eat out. Fortunately my husband is a great cook and loves making all the meals. (Yes, I'm a dang lucky girl.) While I miss the social aspect of going to a restaurant, I believe I make healthier choices and save money - and we often have great conversations in our own dining room.
I don't shop. Admittedly I miss it, I do. But, not that much. It simplifies my life. I don't have as much 'stuff' to clean, put away, or manage. And, the cheap jacket and leggings (my sole clothing purchases in the past 12 months) have proven to me that I take for granted all my belongings.
I spend time with my friends. My girlfriends and I walk and talk together. We meet for coffee every Friday (at a place where we get free coffee!). Instead of going out to lunch, my girlfriend Becky and I meet with a bag lunch or go to a park. My girlfriend Judi and I walk laps and talk through our business challenges.
The gifts I give are either hand-made or are presents of time together. I don't need more 'stuff' and neither do my friends, so we spend time together or I share a necklace or card that I made.
Life's about the simple things - love, friends, family, health, time together. It's about passing time together. That makes me happy
Shelley, age 50-something, says:
Perhaps the subtitle for this blog could be: Where do you find your joy? This is a very timely blog for me. This past year I've really been taking a look at what brings me joy and reconnecting with those people, places or things that have given me joy in the past.
To preface, I left my husband of almost 30 years in 2007, and our divorce was finalized in 2008. So this past year has been about reinventing me. I did all the outer things one would do at a time like this. Moved, bought new furniture and necessities, severed outdated friendships, cultivated new ones, supported my teenage daughter in working through her emotions about this lifestyle change, and came to peace with my decision. All of that was necessary and helpful, but when all was said and done, I felt something was missing.
I recently realized that one of the reasons I left a very long, and generally very happy marriage, was I had lost my joy. It doesn't cost a dime to find that joy again. Happiness can mean different things to different people. For me, I find that directing my attention on what is working in my life now, instead of looking at what didn't work then (ie, a failed marriage), brings the delight and thrill of living into reality. I am charmed by the smile on my cat's face. What? You don't think cats smile? I am sure they do! I enjoy the sound of peals of laughter from my daughter and her friends as they play a silly card game in the other room. My heart is filled with bliss when I play my favorite music on my iPod as I take my morning walk. If I ever feel myself slipping back into feeling sorry for myself, I call a friend. Being interested in what is happening in another person's life is very uplifting for me. This doesn't mean I have to do anything. I don't have to fix this person or take on whatever their issues are, but to have a friend means you have to be a friend. Friendship is a great source of joy for me. Finally, I am grateful. Living a life of gratitude brings me much happiness. Give it a try.
