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It's December, so what do us crazy humans do? Run around like energizer bunnies gone mad, running from party to party, store to store, gift wrapping to cooking baking. Bright lights, big sales and big pressure to see and be everywhere. It is a season that we spend DOING.


\Now compare that to the animals that live in the forest, that live lock and step with nature, following the natural cycle of living on earth. Take the bear for instance, what is he or she up to in December? Is she out canvassing all the holiday sales hoping to get that DVD player on sale? Is he running around from grocery store to grocery store worrying that he won't have enough food to feed the guests for the party he's planned? No way! This smart four legged creature is getting her house (or cave as the case may be) in order, stocking up on all the goods she will need to get her through the frozen winter. She's not spending her stock, she's savoring and saving it, using it slowly. This wise animal has tuned into a station we too often ignore: nature. And for the entire month of December this station is broadcasting one message: SLOW DOWN!

So what do we humans do? We speed up! The opposite of what the energy of the season is asking for. No wonder we are dead tired come Dec 28th, and then we pep up for one last go around on New Year's and then spend the next two months trying to work off all the excess we sped up to create.

Now to be fair, bears don't face the pressure you do. They aren't bombarded with Christmas advertising campaigns. Or relatives and friends that all want to share in the holiday cheer. Self love comes easier to them. But they do have some behaviors you can use this holiday season that can help you SLOW DOWN and at the same time still enjoy all the love and fun that abounds. I know you may not believe me, but it is actually in your nature to SLOW DOWN... when you tap into your Feminine Super Power of PAUSE.

You've just got to slow down long enough to listen. Try these bear-proven tactics:

1.  DON'T GIVE ALL YOUR HONEY AWAY, SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF
The self-loving, smart bear loves to share her gifts, time and energy, with those she loves, especially her prized honey, but she never empties her shelves. And she never feels guilty for keeping honey for herself. So for you... yes, give to the people and things that you love this holiday season, and RETAIN energy for yourself too. Remember to GIVE to yourself. And do it before you run yourself into a cold or a sore neck. When you start feeling that run down sensation or the stress kick in, ask yourself, "Am I giving all my honey away?" And then do something to replenish.

2.  SPEND EXTRA TIME IN YOUR CAVE
The self-loving, smart bear isn't romping around the forest in December using up all her energy, she is spending extra time loving being in her cave. After all, she's worked hard all year to make it cozy. December is a time of going inward and it's more natural to want to cozy up at home than to flit from party to party every night. Pick your social outings wisely, doing the ones that fill you up the most. Don't be afraid to pass on social obligations that don't totally light you up. Decline politely, wish them holiday cheer, and then create a cozy, warm space inside your home full of self love, magic and holiday beauty. Use that energy to fill you up.

3. DON"T APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WHAT YOU WANT
The self-loving smart bear knows that she knows what is best for her and she doesn't waste her vital energy carrying around feelings of guilt or obligation. She does what she needs to do and wants to do, without apologizing to the other bears. She's never rude, always full of love, and she has no qualms about setting healthy boundaries. Make this a holiday that you do your way. Set the intention that you will fill yourself up with energy, love and happiness this holiday, and anything that doesn't ftl those three bills, you can pass on, without guilt or obligation.


For more ideas on how to fall more in love with you, every day this winter, download the free madly in love with me kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

It's crazy how often we spend way more effort and emotion than we need in order to reach our goals, organize our lives or 'do' all the things we have set out to do in a day, a week or a year.  We 'work' at it vs. 'creating' it. We 'make it happen' vs. 'let it happen.' We force our will and our agendas vs. listening to and using the energy of the moment, letting the universe do the heavy lifting for us. It's like choosing to walk up a mountain with 200lbs on our back vs. taking the sky cap up, giving us the ability to enjoy the view when we arrive as well as all the way up. While you might build some great calves and quadriceps from the heavy lifting approach, living your life this way means missing out on lots of the beauty, views and magic because you'll be too darn tired from working and pushing to enjoy what you've created.

Love Fact:
When we force and push ourselves, our agendas and others, we work harder not because of some valiant ideal that hard work makes us a better person. We force because we are afraid to trust. We push because we believe that once we attain that status, material thing, accomplishment, task, whatever, we will be happy, successful and enough. The truth is that you are enough right now, that you have nothing to prove, and that if you can stop pushing, you will actually create and draw to you what really makes you happy. Stop working so darn hard at your life, and start loving yourself for who you are today and what you've already created.

What you need:
1. a commitment to find your personal push
2. a physical awareness of how you feel when you push and when you let it happen
3. a willingness to trust

How to Find Your Personal Push & Let it Go
To succeed at this tip, you are going to amp up your awareness big time to the difference in how you feel when you are pushing vs. when you are working with the natural flow of things. We all have different types of pushes, but they all stem from a basic lack of belief that we are not enough right now or from a basic fear of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt.

Common personal pushes include:

• The Do It All Myself: as long I am busting my butt I am okay.
• The Grab For Whatever I Can Get: as long as I am busy I am okay.
• I Can Do More! I Can Do More!: as long as I get acknowledgement I am okay.
• Once I Get There I'll Be Good: as long as I keep working hard towards my goal, I am okay.
• And a whole lot more.  What's your Personal Push?

Actions

1. Make a commitment to find the Personal Push that's running your life right now.
2. Remind yourself each morning that you are on the look out for your Personal Push.
3. Throughout the day, as you find yourself feeling stressed, overwhelmed or pressured, notice how your body feels. If it feels tense, overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or really sluggish you are pushing. This is the first step of awareness.
4. Ask yourself the question, "What am I forcing? What am I trying to push?"
5. Listen to the answer. You have found your current Personal Push.
6. Ask yourself, "Why am I pushing this? What happens if I stop pushing?" What about that scares me, or makes me uncomfortable?"
7. Listen to the answer. You have found the fear behind the Push.
8. Release the fear using any one of these:

• Give Yourself Love On the Spot. Tell yourself, "I am enough right now." Say it til you believe it.
• Get Grateful. Make a list out loud of all that you have created already in your life and
• Change the Negative to Positive. Say out loud the exact opposite of the fear. For example, if your fear is that if you don't do this one thing, you won't make the money you want, say out loud, "I have all that I need right now. I am totally taken care of." Say it til you feel it.

To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

If you want to learn more about the power of being in the flow vs. pushing through your life, read the book Power vs. Force by David Hawkins.
If you want to learn more about your fears and what causes you to push, read the book The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso.




 

TRUTH: 
The first step in loving ME is knowing ME... and while it sounds crazy that it's possible to not know ourselves, most of us really don't.

Yes, most of us have some idea of who we are. We've taken a personality test at work... we've done some soul searching... we know our astrological sun sign... and we've been working long enough to know our strengths and 'weaknesses', but truly knowing ME beyond the image, the fears and the societal pressures takes more than that. It takes a conscious choice to actually say, "You know what, I am going to get off this crazy treadmill called life, where everyone is running around trying to get to the next job, house, etc. and I am going to find out what I really want from my life... and to do that I need to first understand who I really am!"  And it takes help from people who can help you peel away of the layers of images, masks and yuck that aren't you.

I have worked with lots of women to help them find their REAL ME ... I've spent years finding my own REAL ME... and what I can tell you is that knowing ME happens on at least three levels, probably more. But let's start with two this week, and next week we will cover the third:

LEVEL ONE:  Who are you NOT? The gremlins or the mean girl in your head.
 

Before we wake up and live on what I call 'self awareness mode' vs. autopilot, we are driven by our fears, defense patterns and belief systems -- all yucked up stuff that has nothing to do with who we really are, in fact they keep us from the REAL ME. They are the voices in your head that tell you that you can't, the defenses that push people and good situations away, and if you don't know what yours are, they will silently run your life. How do you find them? Check out the Dare #1 below to get started identifying and redeploying your Gremlin Crew.


LEVEL TWO:  Who are you NOT? The baggage you were handed but that you don't have to keep carrying.

Obligations, shoulds, musts... all those hard, heavy bags that we pick up from society, relatives and the media. They tell us what we should do, who we should be, how we have to act and they are full of heavy emotions like guilt, self doubt, and overwhelm. But you know what? Yes, we've all been handed these bags along the path of our life, AND no one is making us continue to carry them. We choose to carry them and the are H-E-A-V-Y! So heavy, that they keep us from seeing the real me. Women have been carrying these bags for centuries, so it's no wonder we have things like guilt programmed into our DNA... but we can no longer afford to carry these heavy bags around. How do you start kicking them to the curb (or to the recylcing bin?) Read Dare #2 and get started!



DARES:  take one, take two-- what do you have to lose?

Dare #1: Have a Face Off With Your Inner Mean Girl
You know that voice in your head that loves to tell you what you did wrong, what you should have done or how you will never be good enough? Some call it the inner critic. I call her your inner mean girl, and as my friend and host of the Women's Master Series Amy Ahlers says, this girl loves to tell Big Fat Lies! My mean girl is named Mean Patty and she has red pigtails and freckles. What does your mean girl look like? What is her name? What are the lies she tells you? Write that all down. Draw a picture. And then have a Mean Girl Face Off. I want you to literally talk to her and tell her that she needs to knock it off! Give her a new job. Ask her to say the opposite of the mean big lie. And tell her to give you a break!

Dare #2:  Give up Guilt.
Guilt is a totally useless emotion - as least as far as we use it as women to beat ourselves up. I dare you to give up guilt... and to do it by stopping the obligations, the shoulds and the could haves. Don't take the guilt from other people - if they try to guilt you, name it and call them on it. If you find yourself wallowing in the guilt, notice how it makes you feel and what it is actually helping you accomplish. And then ask yourself in that moment - what do i WANT to do right now? And then do it.


Have a great week getting to know YOU even better by getting rid of all the junk that's not you - remember this self love stuff is a fun adventure you get to take, not that you have to take. Enjoy loving you more and more every day!

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I don't think personal happiness can be bought. I believe it is found in the simple things in life. One of my favorite things to do is go out and run/walk the Chicago lakefront. I find a sense of serenity and inner peace looking at the water. I love putting on my running shoes and taking in the fresh air on a crisp morning and clearing my mind with my iPod. I love hitting the lake after work during the summer and watching the lake change colors. The best part is that it doesn't cost a thing and I get a little more exercise in my day!

I find happiness is a bubble bath after a long day of work or weekend activities. Nothing beats great smelling bubble bath and candles, it gives me time to connect with me and my feelings. I like the water because it has the ability to melt away stresses from the day and let me relax. When I go to take a bath, the Blackberry doesn't come in the bathroom, it is truly me time. 

I believe in taking a few minutes out of my day to mediate, pray, or practice yoga. It allows me time to build a stronger connection with me on the inside. Finding time for this can be tough, and I don't do it every day, but at least a couple times a week. You can mediate or pray just about anywhere, in the car, in bed, sitting outside, or in the bedroom before bed.

Another activity that doesn't cost a thing is calling a friend or family member and talking. It gives me time to reconnect with people in my life. I can call them from just about anywhere with cell phones these days. Taking 15 minutes to connect with someone you haven't talked to in a long time, can be healing for the soul.

Happiness can be found in many activities, which don't cost a thing. I believe finding things, which don't cost a thing make me explore the possibilities of the world around me. If you take a step back and really check how you spend, you might realize that happiness doesn't cost a dime. It is in the moments where you can take a few minutes and connect with you!

         

Jenn, age 36, says:

I tend to feel my happiest when I feel free, am enjoying the company of someone close to me, and letting the flow of the moment dictate our journey. I went for a bike ride with a friend around Coronado Island (San Diego) one afternoon recently. Although unspoken, we approached it like an adventure with no set agenda. Our first stop was the beach where we pulled out a beach volleyball to practice hitting and bumping. Then through a shift in imagination, the volleyball morphed into a soccer ball, and we took turns playing goalie between two volleyball net posts. Eventually the game became who could kick the ball closest to our backpacks (I won!). We snacked on some fruit and then hopped back on our bikes to ride to the other end of the island to overlook the harbor and downtown skyline. We posed for funny photos with our camera. I did cartwheels in the grass. We made up stories about the tourists around us. It was an amazing afternoon of laughter and adventure and connection - and it was so easy.

Something else that is easy and free but brings me great pleasure is reading a book that is both intellectually challenging (whether professionally or personally) and entertaining. A friend recently let me borrow the book "The Female Brain," about gender/sexual hormonal and neuroscience research. Every chance I get to read to a few pages just lights me up. The other day I was able to settle in for a bit of reading, with a mug of blueberry green tea, curled up on my shag rug in a shaft of sunlight, learning and growing. Later that evening, while leading a free group discussion about sexual empowerment, I was integrating and sharing my new knowledge to the benefit of others. I get such a buzz off of being fascinated with new information that is relevant to my passion and work, being able to integrate it into what I already know, and then applying it to guide myself and others through our sexual and intimacy journeys. I think I'm kind of a dork that way, but it makes me so happy and excited!



Debba, age forty-something, says:

What have you done to be happier that has not cost a dime.

James Taylor sings: "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

It's been exactly a year since I quit corporate America to follow my dream and build my business (www.girlfriendology.com). With a freelance writer as a husband, that change meant no more paychecks or provided insurance. To be honest, it's been a tough year but I am proud to say we're just as happy as we were before - and maybe a bit more appreciative. All in all, we've enjoyed the passage of time and it's been great.

These are just a few things that have changed in the past year with a positive impact on my overall happiness:

• We rarely eat out. Fortunately my husband is a great cook and loves making all the meals. (Yes, I'm a dang lucky girl.) While I miss the social aspect of going to a restaurant, I believe I make healthier choices and save money - and we often have great conversations in our own dining room.
• I don't shop. Admittedly I miss it, I do. But, not that much. It simplifies my life. I don't have as much 'stuff' to clean, put away, or manage.  And, the cheap jacket and leggings (my sole clothing purchases in the past 12 months) have proven to me that I take for granted all my belongings.
• I spend time with my friends. My girlfriends and I walk and talk together. We meet for coffee every Friday (at a place where we get free coffee!). Instead of going out to lunch, my girlfriend Becky and I meet with a bag lunch or go to a park. My girlfriend Judi and I walk laps and talk through our business challenges.
• The gifts I give are either hand-made or are presents of time together. I don't need more 'stuff' and neither do my friends, so we spend time together or I share a necklace or card that I made.

Life's about the simple things - love, friends, family, health, time together. It's about passing time together. That makes me happy



Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Perhaps the subtitle for this blog could be: Where do you find your joy? This is a very timely blog for me. This past year I've really been taking a look at what brings me joy and reconnecting with those people, places or things that have given me joy in the past.

To preface, I left my husband of almost 30 years in 2007, and our divorce was finalized in 2008. So this past year has been about reinventing me. I did all the outer things one would do at a time like this. Moved, bought new furniture and necessities, severed outdated friendships, cultivated new ones, supported my teenage daughter in working through her emotions about this lifestyle change, and came to peace with my decision. All of that was necessary and helpful, but when all was said and done, I felt something was missing.

I recently realized that one of the reasons I left a very long, and generally very happy marriage, was I had lost my joy. It doesn't cost a dime to find that joy again. Happiness can mean different things to different people. For me, I find that directing my attention on what is working in my life now, instead of looking at what didn't work then (ie, a failed marriage), brings the delight and thrill of living into reality. I am charmed by the smile on my cat's face. What? You don't think cats smile? I am sure they do! I enjoy the sound of peals of laughter from my daughter and her friends as they play a silly card game in the other room. My heart is filled with bliss when I play my favorite music on my iPod as I take my morning walk. If I ever feel myself slipping back into feeling sorry for myself, I call a friend. Being interested in what is happening in another person's life is very uplifting for me. This doesn't mean I have to do anything. I don't have to fix this person or take on whatever their issues are, but to have a friend means you have to be a friend. Friendship is a great source of joy for me. Finally, I am grateful. Living a life of gratitude brings me much happiness. Give it a try.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
The ups and downs of Wall Street, foreclosures across the country, and people getting laid off every day. These are the immediate issues about today that come to mind. The bad comes to mind first. It is hard to be optimistic when the media is playing up the downfall. How can we not think about the doom and gloom when it is constantly brought up on the news, websites, and in conversation? Times are scary and having it be compared to the next great depression is hard to hear, especially being in my 20s when my career is just beginning and I am supposed to be saving for my future. Having friends, who have been laid off is another hard reality facing me during this crazy economic time. We have been doing activities that don't cost as much money, like working-out outside, having spa nights in, and bringing wine over and watching a movie together. I find these nights can be even more fun than going out. We have time to talk about real issues, hang out in sweats, and enjoy one another's company.

The time is also filled with exciting possibilities for the future. I believe my generation is learning hard lessons about how the past affects the future in ways we can't always be prepared for. The ups and downs we are experiencing at a young age will prepare us for our lives. We will be more aware about our future spending and savings which are important values that can get lost while trying to 'keep up with the Jones'. I hope we become a generation of spenders who make smart decisions about how we spend our money.

Being in the 20s age range, gives me reason to think we can make smart decisions about investing in our future and save for our families. I find it invigorating to think about making smart investments in my future as a young adult. I think this experience is bringing out true human kindness in individuals as well. People are reaching out and helping one another with small acts of kindness. I think the recession is renewing the American spirit. We are in a time where change has been coming and I think there will be positive light at the end of this time. My hope is we pull through the tough economy and grow stronger as a nation and as a generation of young women!!
         

Jenn, age 36, says:

Crazy economy? Creative economy!

The hardest thing for me is to stay in an "abundance" mentality and not slip back into a "scarcity" mentality. As an entrepreneur and a graduate student for many years before that, I'm used to bootstrapping it, and being very frugal in my spending. But I realized that the energy that I bring to this frugality is very important. If I feel like I can't buy something I think I need, I feel deprived. Then I feel like my life and the world is a scary place where I need to hold on tight and cannot be trusting. If I switch to appreciating what I do have, and knowing that the universe is abundant and I can be creative in how I get my desires fulfilled, then I feel more choices with my spending. With so much panic around the economy, it is more difficult to stay calm and trusting, but I experience so much freedom and lightness when I make that shift. For me this also translates into trusting in the value of my services and my ability to add happiness and fulfillment to the world through my career.

An exciting aspect of our current economic state is the buzz of tapping into creativity. Since I work as a Relationship & Intimacy Doctor, I joke that my field (of assisting in happier and healthier sex lives) is perfect right now, because what's more important in a down economy than our loving relationships -- and sex is free!  There's a serious part of this though, and I mean "sex" in a big picture way of appreciating our sensuality and intimate connections. I think it is exciting to have even more of an impetus to think outside the box and be creative in how we share our time with others in ways that appreciates our deep connections.  I'm lucky that San Diego is particularly great for this because there are so many free outdoor activities and adventures all year round. It's exciting to me to realize anew how much joy and fun is always available for little to no cost, whether alone or with others. Just two nights ago instead of dining out with my new beau, I whipped up a simple pasta meal, salad, and some Trader Joe's wine, and we had a sunset picnic at the beach. Fabulous!


Debba, age 40-something, says:

Women are more stressed out over the economy than men The 2008 Stress in America findings indicated that. (http://tinyurl.com/women-stress) Part of this is our nature to be 'tenders.' We take care of our families and communities so we stress for ourselves as well as our children and loved ones. (See "The Tending Instinct," by Shelley E. Taylor for more info.)

That's the hard part of this economy. Women are stressed - and stress affects us in a lot of not-so-good ways - we can't sleep, gain weight, make poor decisions in our eating and drinking, and often find other vices to help cover up our feelings. These all impact our emotions, decision making and our outlook on life.  And, generally, these negative factors have a way of combining to make de-stressing a challenge.

On the upside, there are ways we can combat the stress brought on by the financial situation. Female friendship makes us healthier, happier, live longer, feel more beautiful AND LESS STRESSED. By spending time with our girlfriends, we actually lower our stress. The enzymes released for stress decrease when we laugh with our friends, share conversations and share our lives.

You know what I'm talking about! Get together with your friends and very quickly your cares and worries fade and are replaced with happiness and the joy that comes from being in the company of friends who love you just the way you are. Laughter, hugs and the compassion of friends makes us happier and healthier - it's a great bonus of female friendship.

Stressed over the economy? Call up your favorite female friends. Get the girls together and don't talk about the economy - just hang out. Life's better (and less stressful) together with your girlfriends!I'm on vacation and pontificating, and will be getting back to you on my ideas!


Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Regarding the economy and all the fear that has been out there in the media about it lately, I'd say for me the hardest thing has been to not listen to it. Let's face it, for most of us, the internet and modern technology have enslaved us. We are so use to having everything in our lives faster, louder and funnier (okay that last part is a reality in my world, maybe not everyone else's!). Fast cars, microwave dinners, instant messaging, twitter, iPhones and Blackberries make up our world. We are connected instantly, if we wish to be. The same with the way we receive our local and global news. At any hour of the day or night, you can turn on the TV and get the latest "news". When the bank failures, unemployment numbers, and stock market panics occurred last year, it was a bit tough to not acknowledge that this was in fact a reality we needed to face. As hopeless as we may have felt, what I think is most exciting is that we can each do something about this reality as it relates to us in our lives.

We are not victims. I believe that we are the only thinkers in our mind. Last time I checked, no one else was in there doing the thinking or making the decisions for me. Maybe there was at one time. Perhaps I let my parents, teachers, bosses and friends tell me how to live my life. But not any more! We have the power to guide our life in any way we choose. I choose not be a reactor, but instead to be proactive in my life. So I am excited about making smarter choices with my money. I looked at the crazy economy news as a welcome wakeup call. My daughter and I rarely eat out any more. Instead we take the time to cook at home, which has resulted in much healthier eating habits, and saves us lots of dough (no pun intended). Instead of joining a gym, I walk a mile every day. That costs me nothing! People I believe are being more prudent with their investments and looking for interesting ways to buy the things they need (the big 3: food, clothes and shelter). Bargain hunting can be and is fun! I also feel confident that our new President is doing everything he can to stabilize the economy and with everyone doing what they can in their world this year, whatever that might be that works for them, the word economy will not be such a supercharged word by years end.