Results tagged “self esteem” from Self Love Blog

TRUTH
Okay, let's face it ladies, we have all lied to ourselves at one time or another... to hang on to a relationship way longer than we should have... to avoid having to admit our weaknesses and failures and insecurities... to avoid being present with the truth of our reality so we wouldn't have to admit to our part in creating a mess or a stress out of our lives.

I'll admit it... I am a former Queen of Illusion. If there was a lie to be told about relationships and love, I told it to myself just so I could stay in a 15-year relationship 14 years too long. I have on ocassion, let myself feel like a victim to what was happening around me, and I have at times so wanted to make something the other person's fault, completely. But about 5 years ago I took a vow that changed my life ... that I would be 100% honest with myself always, uncompromising, unwavering self-honestly. I took that promise because I learned one really important LIFE TRUTH...


If we want the lives we say we really want... then we have no choice but to be honest - all the time.

What Stops Us from Being Honest... Why Do We Want to Lie To ME?
What I learned was that it wasn't the truth that I was afraid of, it was the consequences to admitting or sharing that truth that scared the daylights out of me. I lied to myself about my relationship because if I was honest, that meant I would have to leave him. And the hard truth was, I was afraid to be alone. The woman from Oregon who said she never ever wanted to get married, told herself that lie, because she was afraid of being vulnerable and being hurt again. I listen to my clients tell themselves lies like "I'm not good enough to be a published author. I don't have this degree so I will never be successful."

Those are lies too! And we cannot afford to tell ourselves lies any longer! If you really want the life you say you do then you MUST get downright real with yourself about everything in your life! And that is my challenge to us all this week on our adventure to self-love.


DARE:  Find at least one lie that you are telling yourself about who you are, about your life situation, or about your current life choices and CHANGE IT from a lie to the TRUTH!

Now since you are lying to yourself it might be hard to discover this lie, so be bold and ask someone who knows you really well, "In what ways do you think I am lying to myself - about me, about my relationships, my career, my finances, etc."  Pick someone you trust and give them permission to be 100% honest with you, promising them that you won't get mad at them and that you really do want to know. When you have convinced them that it is safe (and if you aren't doing any promising here, you probably aren't going to get a very deep answer), shut up and listen. Take in what they say, don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, just listen. After they finish simply say "Thank You for being so honest." And then if you can share from your heart about how their insight is affecting what you see in yourself, share. Like "Wow, you know, I am feeling really scared, vulnerable, etc. because .... " If you can't share from your heart, just stick with the THANK YOU and mull over what they had to say on your own, using it to find your truth.

Notes from the Self-Love Train...
Inspiration From My Portland Trip


This past Sunday I spent four hours with 12 women in Portland, Oregon -- the first ever Choosing ME before WE Book Club Chat. I anticipated that it would be an afternoon well spent, what I got was so much more. Of course there was wine, cheese, and conversation... but there was also laughter, tears and healing. I knew we would laugh and share stories, that is what we do when we get together as women, right? But what struck me most, what always strikes me most when I sit with a group of women, is the deep healing that can come when two or more of us get together and just witness each others truth. We didn't have to solve each others problems, we didn't have to figure anything out, we just had to sit there and listen, through the tears and the honest to goodness, damn-straight truth, and give witness to this and this woman's story, who of course was so similar to my own. Our stories are really not so different - different men, women and details, but the underpining storyline - same.

Although we talked about so much that day, the one thing that really struck my heart was the story of "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself" that I heard over and over again - different details, same story. And it reminded me of how many times I have faced that myself... and how the only way through it was through it, with love for myself.

ME LOVE MESSAGE TO SELF:   I FORGIVE YOU!

There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. I know for me, it took me only a year to forgive my ex-person - who was a real jerk to me -- and it took me 5 years to forgive myself. 5 years to forgive ME for putting myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, for compromising what I really wanted to keep him in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing him, for begging this man to love me, for loving a man even after he spit in my face, for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.

When I heard these same stories - different details - in Portland, it reminded me how important it is for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them, -- especially when it's in front of other women -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! What a load is lifted and WOW! how much more free she is!

Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admiting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side. So I guess in a way there is a magic pill - self-love. And there is a magic pathway -- doing it with other women as witnesses, because every time we show our pain, let it go and let the love in, we do the same for the women watching.

One book that really helped me was little book called The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello. That book saved my life. Check it out... http://tinyurl.com/mstpdt

And another that I found years later that has great stuff is Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.  And just cuz i like threes, you can also find some great ideas for amping that ME-Love affair up by downloading the free Madly in Love with ME Guide at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Often when we read magazines we first see... THE COVER!!! You tend to see a celebrity. Imagine: Long and wavy flowing hair. Tan and toned body. Beautiful makeup. Bleached white teeth. Couture dress. This is what some women aspire to be. They get a picture in their head and strive long and hard to become it. Why? The most common thing is simply not being pleased with how you look because it's obvious that if you LOVE who you are and the way that you look that you're not going to be trying to be something else. But women who do feel like they "must look like Jessica Beil" tend to have issues with themselves. We see our unnoticeable flaws from the EVIL OBJECTS!!!!!!!

EVIL OBJECT 1: The mirror. Everyone has one yet they are so bad! They are where we check ourselves to make sure we look our best. The mirror is where we see that non-flat stomach. The mirror is where we see our zits, unwanted hair, cellulite, etc. It's where we stare at ourselves and it just stares right back. It tends to be an image of hatred and judgment simply from not loving yourself. Isn't that the look when you see people judging you when they don't love you or think you're beautiful?

EVIL OBJECT 2: The Wii. No we do not all have the Wii but happen to own one. It has several tests where at the end it will tell you what age you are based on how well you did. I have gotten my age, 14, but I have also gotten (drum roll) 47! The Wii then tells me that I am out of shape for my age and I should continue the exercising every day will help me to become basically more close to my age. The Wii is extremely fun but evil as well. You just have to learn how to take constructive criticism.

FINAL EVIL OBJECT: MEDIA! All those magazines. TV shows and commercials, Ads, etc. are what tend to make people think they must be something they aren't. The problem with all of these is that they are unavoidable. When you see an ad that makes you feel fat, forget about it! Getting mad about it is bad for the mind. It's good just to forget about it.
In a nutshell: What makes everyone want to be something they're not is lack of confidence.

You must LLLOOOVVVEEE yourself!!! And you must remember, when people tell you something mean about your looks, it's just because they are jealous and/or self conscious themselves.



Janet, age 24, says:

Women constantly get caught in what I call the 'perfect body trap'. We are constantly bombarded with images of super models, celebrities, and other famous people, in the grocery store, at malls, billboards on the highway, at home through your TV, and on the internet. With all these points of contact, it is no surprise that most women develop some sort of body image hang-up or get stuck in the 'perfect body trap'. The articles written in some women's magazine constantly talk about what is 'perfect'. Defining 'perfect' is something that women should shape on their own, but the constant images and articles convolute our opinions. The flip side is what we don't hear enough about; and that is how hard and demanding physical body image is in the spot light. The fame can drive some of these women to take drastic measures with their health and life. When you hear the bad stories, puts reality of life and body into perspective and famous woman are real people too. If the media put a healthier spin on image and what is accepted, it might be easier for women to be comfortable with who they are. Some magazines and celebrities are speaking out against traditional images, but aren't given enough attention and resisting the change. If more women embraced who they are, it might start to influence the media to re-define 'perfect' body images.

The women that don't get caught in the 'perfect body trap' seem to have a bigger self awareness. They know that their body has the capability to do amazing things, run a marathon, hug a loved one, carry a child, and so much more. I think they also have an inner understanding of what it means to be a real woman. I myself get stuck in the 'perfect body trap' all the time. When I start thinking negatively about my body image, I remind myself this is me and I do love who I am. My body is only a part of who I am, and if I treat it right, eat healthy, and take care of myself, I always feel more confident about my body image. Some of my close girlfriends feel the same way. We talk about how much better we feel when eating right and working out. It provides a sense of self about defining who we are as women in our 20s. When you have a strong self confidence about your image on the outside, the inner spirit starts to shine through!
         


Katie, age 35, says:

The wisdom that comes with age has made all the difference in my life. When I was in my young 20's, I had three friends who were all three years old than I. I was a starving college student, and they were all in their first jobs. To me, they seemed glamorous: beautiful, fit, tan, making their own money, and all with boyfriends.

By (what I'd thought at the time was) comparison (but what I understood later was just the difference in age and priorities between me and them), I felt "cute," out of shape, pale, broke, and loveless. I fixated on the big diamond studs that all three of them had in their ears.

Adorned in their diamonds, my friends looked valuable, rare, cherished ... everything I thought I wasn't. I know now that I was all of those things; I just didn't love myself enough to realize it. For a few years after that time, while I was in graduate school and still broke, I plotted about the diamond earrings I would buy for myself one day. Of course, my obsession wasn't really about the diamond studs. Obsessions never are.

That was 1.5 decades ago. Between now and then, I've spent much time alone on beaches and in forests, reflecting on who I am. I've also written a lot in journals, in the dark of my living room at night, with candles lit and soft music playing. The more time I spend in serene settings, the more expansive my inner peace becomes ... and the farther away I get from those diamond earrings. I know I'm inherently lovable, so I no longer need "evidence" to prove it.

Looking back, I see that I could have looked just like my friends did back then, by spending more time and money on my appearance, and less on school. I wasn't wrong to go to graduate school, burying myself in psychological theory and spending weekends under library lighting; they weren't wrong to join the 9:00-5:00 work force out of college, spending their Thursday nights at happy hour and their weekends by the pool. There was never a comparison; we were and all precious in our unique ways. With maturity, I came to know that.

I never did buy those diamond earrings, and I can't imagine I ever will.


Debba, age 40-something, says:

I've heard it called 'the Oprah Factor.' We see Oprah and other celebrities with things we wish we had and suddenly we feel entitled to things beyond our lifestyle or any form of reality. We get coerced into feeling like we deserve expensive designer clothes and belongings, envying the plastic surgery-stretched or air-brushed faces and finding some appeal to the paparazzi-lives of the rich and famous.
 
My take on this, and I'm a bit passionate, if not obsessed, is that if we have friends that love us the way we are, that we're much more likely to accept our bodies and ourselves. When we truly love our friends, we respect their opinions, right? And, if their opinion of us is that we're beautiful and treasured, why should we doubt them?

Why would I want or need to emulate celebrities when I have true friends who accept me with or without make-up, love me dressed up or dressed down, and see the beauty in me when I can't see it myself? How could I ask for a better life or situation that might mean that I'm removed from the very people who encourage, challenge, support and love me?
 
Research shows that female friendships make us feel more confident and beautiful. They also make us healthier, happier, less stressed and live longer. Girlfriends are 'the secret to defining ourselves.' They see past wrinkles, scars, gray hairs or bad hair days to the beauty we possess inside of us. They don't compare us to celebrities or other popular images that may be society's measure of beauty. They just love us as we are and they make us feel more beautiful, accepted and loved.

And, as the saying goes, "The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert) With our girlfriends supporting us, we can define ourselves by looking within and by looking at us through their eyes. That mirror of an old friend reflects the beauty they see in us, and that we need to see ourselves in as well.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
I have one friend in particular.  My very best-est friend, in fact. With over twelve years of history together all of the times I have coaxed her out of the self-love dumper have merged into all the times she has drug me out (kicking and screaming usually).  It is hard to separate which memories are whose.  It occurs to me now that I am insanely lucky to have a girl friend like this.
 
The instance that comes to mind is a middle of the night phone call.  I realize that this may not seem like much thought or effort to you, dear reader.  But I will tell you this: Sleep is my Number One priority. Above sex. Above cleanliness. Even above eating. (My man-friend claims that my last life was most certainly spent as a cat.)  Anyway, what was so special about this phone call is that my friend needed help.  She needed love and she needed it right that instant. I put aside my extra-ordinary need for sleep, in order to be with her fully. Present in my adoration and listening - even at one o'clock in the morning. I don't even think I said much. I was simply there for her to cry to. I gently reminded her that she was so beautiful she was blinding. She was the strongest, most powerful and neatest person in the whole wide world. I reminded her she was going to get through this - whatever 'this' was - because she had made it through so many 'this-es' in her life. I told her I was proud of her.
 
I think these words come naturally when you love some one so very much. They are easy to say when you find someone so beyond the limits of incredible. When any girl friend - or when I my Self - am in the dumper, the easiest way to negotiate out is to remember and remind of all the power, strength, wisdom and beauty possessed naturally. Who we really are. To recall that this 'dumper' stage is temporary because we are not darkness. We are the glory and shimmery shiny glitters of light.



Katie, age 34, says:

When I was in high school, I had a best friend, Kelly (fictional name). Though she is a year and nine months younger, she was like the older sister I never had, and I admired her like a younger sister would. She was cool, hilarious, smart, morally righteous, drop dead gorgeous, an insanely creative theatre genius, and more centered than any other teen I knew.

If I'd ever found a stepladder tall enough, one that would've permitted me a peek into her darkness, then perhaps I would have seen all of Kelly then. But from my vantage point, she was a perfectly collected, emotionally balanced, one-dimensional, Zen-like creature.

Now a mature adult, I see all of Kelly's dimensions. Recently, she was in tremendous pain, and she reached out to me. She had been working in her dream job, acting and directing for a theatre company. Her extraordinary talent was on display, so she was setting her world on fire doing the work she loved. Then, she was fired. And not just fired, but fired in a cruel manner, by a man in the company's new management who was threatened by Kelly's light. Kelly only had to tell me a few insults he'd hurled at her, for me to see the truth of what had happened.

Kelly told me her story through tears, grasping to figure out what she, the most radiant example of a woman I know, had done wrong. Why hadn't she been good enough? What had she done to upset this man? How could she have prevented him from ruining her reputation and career the way he did? Each time Kelly brings up another angle on the heartbreak, I listen with love. I can hear that she's lost her center, but also that she's not far from it. As her older-younger sister, my job is to help her find it again.

I don't give Kelly advice, as she's wise and fierce and capable of seeing the truth. I elicit the power within her, by asking what I think are the right questions, until she tells me the "right" answers: "Katie, I was more than good enough. I was great." "I didn't do anything to cause this, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it." I love seeing Kelly gradually come back to herself. And I feel honored to be her partner in that journey.


Janet, age 52, says:

Recently a dear friend called to say that her LOVE bubble had popped...not only was her Loving Relationship with her beloved coming to a grinding halt but everything else around her seemed to be following the same downward spiral! Including the relationship with her aging mother (who is suffering from Alzheimer's) pushing her further down into the abyss by berating her...and my friend was taking it All in, believing that everything was her fault! She went to that deep dark hole that we have all climbed into one time or another as a result of not feeling worthy or good enough, that somehow she had not done what she was expected to do, spoke the right words or put in the right amount of time and effort into the situation ~ she was ready to pitch a tent and have a giant pity party!

Well, that was definitely not going to happen on my watch...! I reminded and reflected back to her All the Wonderful Gifts that she possesses...the Gifts that I have been a recipient of on many occasions. Her deep commitment and compassion towards others during their time of need! I continued to share with her how I saw her...a big Shining Light & Generous Spirit who would give the shirt off her back to others...a person who would  drive through the pouring rain to let my dogs out because I was delayed getting home! I shared my own inner turmoil and challenge in showing myself the same compassion I am so willing and freely giving to others ~ I know from first hand experience how much easier it is to show and give others Love before giving it to mySelf!! I also shared with her that just this past week I had a total melt-down and that my first thoughts (and reaction) was to climb into my hole...and then as suddenly as those thoughts came they went because darn it I have done way too much work on mySelf...and walked thru too many fires...to go pitch a tent in that dark stinky hole!! And I reminded my friend that she too has come too far and done a lot of hard work to so readily and easily cast it aside and buy into that crap that she is not good enough and hasn't done enough...at the end of our conversation she thanked me, and with that "Thank You" I reminded her that we are All A Reflection of Each Other...and that I was choosing to see Her Inner Beauty in the Mirror of our Friendship.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
If I can speak for most people I will say that we have more lows than highs. I personally feel half and half.

Some of the times when I have had highs are super cool. One of them is when I got a letter from Obama and it even had his signature! That just felt super cool because when I was writing him a letter everyone told me to write it in business form but I ignored them and used a hot pink card with blue birds, wrote in blue pen, and used a green envelope. I just thought to myself, who wants to open just one more white envelope? Because that's so exciting! Some other times are when people compliment me on my outfit. Whenever I wear something bright and colorful I always wonder what might be going through people's minds but when 10 people compliment me within 5 minutes, I know it's always best to just listen to my thoughts and trust ME.

My lows occur sporadically. Most of the time it's when I'm in a big crowd with people my age and I don't know anyone. All of these other girls are with their friends laughing and I just feel so lonely. No one really realizes how much we need our friends but the truth is that they are what hold us up. My friends prevent me form having so many lows. The best friends you can have are the ones that will always be there for you. For some people friends boost their confidence, for example, look at me! I'm so liked I have 30 friends!!!

I would say that people who have a lot of lows are most likely self-conscious but it could really be anything. Depression, sad feelings, etc. To have more highs I recommend thinking of things as glass half full. Just try not to be negative at all and you will truly have a better day!



Christin, age 25, says:

The lowest self love low happened for me when I was nine.  Not that I was fully conscious of my lack of self love at the time.  All I was conscious of was that I wanted to die. I can remember sitting with my legs over the balcony - staring at the pool deck below and wondering if any one would even notice.  Wondering if death was so numbing that I would even notice?  I felt useless and dirty and shamed.  I felt bad and wrong and desperate.  But most of all - I felt trapped.  I was in the self-love dumper for many many reasons, but the most prevalent was because I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse that, one day in fifth grade math class, I unexpectedly remembered.  And all of a sudden, like a supernatural sprinkling of filth all over my skin - I was worthless.  My memory of this time is shaky, at best, so I can't say for sure how long I spent in this darkness.  A week?  An entire childhood?  I do remember when I climbed out.  I was at the kitchen counter with a knife poking into my rib cage - just waiting for the courage to push.  And then it was as if an older version of myself tapped me on the shoulder, a benevolent angel whispering that this period in my life, this shadow, was temporary.  And sometime in the future I would be free.  I had already survived this long.  I would survive to my independence.  I made the choice that I would make it out alive.
 
My highest of self love highs was so opposite to this feeling of loneliness.  It is interesting to me to note the amazing contrast of internal liberation between these two stories. Not only did I make it out alive, I thrived beyond my wildest dreams of love, connection and spirit...
 
I had enrolled in a leadership course in California which was challenging and opening on so many levels.  After our first week I had a moment of such pure love for myself that I have yet to duplicate it.  I don't know what it was about that morning - maybe it was the magic of the redwoods, or the calling of the crows, or the mists of Avalon opening for me.  I looked in the mirror that morning and, for the first time in my life, without any inhibition or need for permission, I saw myself as incredibly divine and beautiful.  I WAS beauty.  I was the essence of life.  And Life was Good.  All my life I had searched for a sign that I was not alone - a touch from the hand of god.  But that morning I felt complete within myself - I knew I was loved because I loved myself.  I knew I was beautiful because I found myself to be so.  I felt so deeply the connection to all the IS - the oneness of all things - and I believed in the goodness and sacredness of my Self.                



Katie, age 34, says:

Since at least junior high, I've engaged in a self-love ritual. Whenever I've felt hopeless about the outside world or the one within me, I've waited for night to fall and retreated into my core self. The ritual is: I sink into a soft, supportive surface - these days, it's my plush, beige living room sofa - with candles lit all around the dark spaces, and soulful music lulling me into peace.
And then, I cry. I release my grief, anxiety, shame, anger, and guilt. As I listen to the heart-opening lyrics of whatever song plays, my tears create space for joy and love to come.

I call these moments my "scheduled crying jags." Even the heaving sobs are miraculous to me, because I'm euphoric when I allow them to happen, and I always heal. Knowing I can return to this sacred space at any time, I emerge feeling safe in the world again, and then I wonder why I always make the jags wait for my night to fall.

Once, one of my crying jags was scheduled for me. I was in a spiritual service, feeling shaken with awareness: two days before, I'd learned not only that the man I had loved for three years did not feel the same, but also, that he never had, even though we'd been in an intimate relationship throughout that time. As the choir sang about love, my torso threw itself over my thighs, and I sat hunched over myself, having a wailing cry that I might have put on my calendar. Except it came out unexpectedly and uncontrollably, like a screaming toddler in a grocery store, holding his mother hostage because he knows everyone is watching. This cry was going to come right there, whether I liked it or not.

I did like it. Not at first, but after I saw how hopeful those around me were, that they could care for me or say the right thing, or just sit with me in my pain. I'd arrived at that place by smiling for three years, when I could have cried a lot, letting my pain out in segments. Getting clear with each crying jag about what I wanted, who I really could be without this guy.

So when people learn about my scheduled crying jags and ask, "Isn't that depressing?" ... I smile. Not because I'm masking something, but because I'm feeling the self-love.


Janet, age 52, says:

Wow! Self-Love...the honest  truth is that for the majority of my life the word Self was always followed with those wicked three letters ish - Selfish. I grew up in a time when being a female meant you put everyone else first and yourSelf last or you were considered selfish. Growing up I was always told what I couldn't or shouldn't do rather than what I could do/be. Go figure that it took over 40 years for me to self-define and figure out what Loving mySelf was/is really about?!?

Today Loving mySelf is quite simple...whatever brings me Joy and makes me truly Happy is Loving mySelf! Walking my dogs on the beach every morning ...collecting sand dollars and heart-shaped rocks ~ makes my heart sing! Getting a manicure and pedicure makes me feel pampered and cared for...taking a bath in ancient essential oils in candle light makes me feel divinely feminine ...being okay with saying "No" to someone or something...or conversely, daring to say "Yes" to something that I really deserve and desire ~ such as going to Africa, Europe, going scuba diving in some far off exotic location or buying new lingerie... Doing and Being exactly Who I Am...rather than what others expect of me...not needing approval... No excuses...explanations or apologies!

The first half of my Life was filled with self doubt and guilt! There would be stolen moments and temporary insanity when I would run off and do something crazy like go on a shopping spree, or steal away for a long weekend for a romantic interlude. But by golly the guilt and self-recrimination was more than I could stand! How could I possibly do something so self-centered as to buy a bunch of new clothes? And how could you possibly just run off with some guy for a long weekend and forget about your responsibilities (not to mention that nice girls don't do things like that!)?!? These were all the voices in my head...the tape that constantly ran. Everything tinged with Guilt and Remorse ...the voice and prattle were always the same...you don't deserve to be happy or be fully alive. I Am a better person for having persevered and transformed these dark times into Jewels of Wisdom...the guilt has been replaced with Grace...remorse replaced with the Real-I-zation that I Am Beautiful Being In & Out!!