Results tagged “self-love” from Self Love Blog

If you had asked me if I was a gossip and if I gossiped before yesterday, when I kicked off the Inner Mean Girl 40-day cleanse with about 6500 women, I would have given you an emphatic "NO!" I don't talk bad about people. I don't watch snarky reality TV and I (except for the occasional glance at People magazine at the airport) don't read tabloid magazines. I gave that all up along my spiritual path these last 10 years... or so I thought.

And then yesterday, on Day One of our 40-Day Cleanse, gossip tried to sneak up on me. It was like I could feel it coming on like a cold, you know when you first get that itchy throat and then all of the sudden before you know it, you have full blown snot coming out of your nose.

During an evening phone conversation with a good friend of mine, Catherine, a person who I also consider to be impeccable with her word, I relayed to her an experience I kept having that involved another woman. I asked her a question with total integrity... to try and figure out what my block was, nothing to do with the other woman. "What am I doing to create this situation?" I asked. She answered with the truth, "Nothing, the two of you just aren't supposed to be connected."

And that's when I started to feel the energy of my Inner Mean Girl looming in the background, sitting in the darkness getting ready to pounce, like an energy that wanted to jump in, take charge and "Go Rouge."  I felt this urge to ask Catherine, "Well why do you think that?" and I could feel that urge coming from this longing place inside of me... like some dark recess that wanted to be filled.

And then on the other end of me was my Inner Wisdom screaming, "Don't do it! Don't ask that question! You will just invite the Inner Mean Girl in and she'll take us down the Rabbit Hole!" Now I wish I could tell you that in all my great will power, I resisted the urge of my Inner Mean Girl and followed my Inner Wisdom... but that's not how the story goes.

The words, "Catherine, why do you think that we aren't supposed to connect?" came blurting out of my lips but in slow motion, like my Inner Mean Girl was yanking toxic taffy out of me...

UGH!

Like a rock hitting the pit of my stomach I felt the toxin of those words and it was like I could see this big movie marquee in lights flashing "GOSSIP! GOSSIP! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!"

Now here is where I did turn things around and tap into the power of this 40-day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse.  I had AWARENESS that what I was about to engage in, what I honestly started to engage in, was toxic self-sabotaging Gossip!  It what I am now dubbing "Sneaky Gossip." This variety of gossip didn't look like blantantly talking poorly about someone or putting someone down, but make no mistake about it, in some way I was trying to make myself feel better by talking about someone else, and that IS gossip.

So I used the self-love tool of Awareness that I learned, and that we teach in Inner Mean Girl Reform School, and that SARK taught us about on our launch call, to take back the power of my words from my Inner Mean Girl - ripped the steering wheel of the conversation right out of her hands - and said to Catherine, 'You know, you are right. It's okay we aren't connecting. I think what she is doing is great. And I am on the right path for me."

And in that instant you know what happened??? That hole that had been trying to be filled by my IMG with gossip, instantly filled with self-love from the Good Talk, and I felt GREAT about me and totally unattached to everything else. Way better than I would have felt if I had gone down the toxic rabbit hole and continued spewing ick from my lips.

This experience of Sneaky Gossip caused me to write a Facebook Post asking people this question:

If gossip was a color or a substance coming out of your mouth, what do you suppose it would look, feel, or taste like?

The answers made me smile and cracked me up - and I've included a few of them here so that you can get a better handle on when Sneaky Gossip is sneaking up on you!  Even when the gossip is super subtle, you can still feel the toxin leaking from your lips...

• Like eating too much cotton candy, looks like it might be tasty buts feels yucky and sick.
• Boogers
• When I was a kid (in the 80s) they had a toy called "slime" and it was green and came in a little plastic garbage can and it's sole purpose was that you took it out of the can and held it and it was cold and wet and slimy. That's gossip!

I invite you to join me and over 6000 women and growing as we give up Gossip and 5 other of the most self-sabotaging habits of our Inner Mean Girls! Imagine the impact we can have on our lives and on the world.

To join us for the FREE! cleanse, go to http://www.meangirlcleanse.com

And to get more scoop on this SNEAKY GOSSIP check out our Video Blog about what Gossip really is...

My whole life for as long as I can remember I have had a deep and primal internal drive whose job it has been to propel me forward... into the next job, house, or project. This drive was like a motor with the power and throttle of a speed boat, almost always on, sometimes in neutral (not often) and never completely off to just float in the water. It was constantly moving under the surface to do better, be better and have better.

I received a lot from this motor, for years it had been necessary for my survival. It propelled me out of a small-minded suburb... into college, later graduate school, then up the corporate ladder, out to California and eventually it catapulted me into the courage to leave my six-figure job to pursue my passion to teach, write and speak about self-love (a passion I only found on one of those rare occasions I let myself float with the motor off.)

But somewhere in the past three years, I began to see the cost of the continuously running motor, and I began to see the deeply ingrained patterns that ran me ragged...

COST: I had become the gas station slave to my life (and this motor),,, I worked harder and more than I had to because I had to fuel the motor with MY energy. This meant I had to work almost all the time. Sure I could take short breaks but I had to be ready to go back to fueling because eventually the motor would need more fuel, and as the gas attendant I was the only one to do it, in my mind. My internal psyche was hard wired to believe that I had to put the energy into my book, courses, websites, or whatever wouldn't generate the energy needed to sustain my life and my business. I had tons of faith in the universe to provide me opportunities, to show me the way and to be there when I fell... but I did not trust (or know how to trust) that it would do the majority of the fueling for me.

PATTERN: I have to drive and strive in order to survive. This "Carrot Chasing Pattern", and all Carrot Chasing Patterns keep us always chasing 'tomorrow' for the day 'when' XX will be true. Up until my early 30s, I had chased the carrot of happiness, the belief that a new house, job or anything external would make me 'happy.' At the age of 33, when I finally gave up that carrot and got that happy had to come from inside of me, I started chasing another carrot... I have enough of XX to finally relax, breathe, let go. For me that looked like beliefs - many subconscious, some not -- like "If I got XX book sales, or get on national TV or have XX amount of money then finally I wouldn't feel this massive pressure to strive, drive and make my life, my dreams and my intentions happen.

But the truth is that just like my happiness, the day that I will finally feel like I can relax, let go, breathe and trust that I am indeed taken care of will never come from an external measure like money, time, or achievements. It has to come from inside of me first. If I believe somewhere inside of me that I have to drive and strive to survive, I will continue to push myself until I fall over in exhaustion (which I have.)

We all have these self-sabotaging patterns, beliefs and habits that drive us, that take us away from what our hearts and souls truly want, the problem is that most of us have no idea that they are the one fueling that motor that never seems to shut off. The way I found this striving/driving carrot chasing pattern - and the way I find most of my patterns is through one of my 40-day self-love practices, this one called the Summer of Self-Love, designed to teach women, including ME, how to release the self-sabotaging pattern and pressure off of having to do, be and have it all... and replace it with the self-loving habit of "Receiving"  

 
On Day 7 of our RECEIVING practice, my power boat hit a brick wall. I awoke with an excruciating pain on my left side. I NEVER get sick, but on this day my body said different. I sat up, ouch! I got out of bed and couldn't stand straight... I crawled back into bed, totally confused.

I looked over to my partner Noah's nightstand and his deck of Doreen Virtue's Angel oracle cards lit up as if to get my attention (oracle cards are decks of cards in which each card contains a message, piece of wisdom or inspiration.) Now, I NEVER use his Angel cards. But then again, I was having a NEVER kind of day, so I reached over (ouch), opened the box, held the Angels in my hand and asked, "Angels, what do I need to "do" to RECEIVE today?" The card I pulled was, no kidding, "CLEAR YOURSELF... ask the angels to absorb any toxic energies you have absorbed." Hmmm. that made sense! I clearly had some toxins stuck in my kidneys making the left one hurt like heck.

Over the following 2 days, I visited my acupuncturist, drank weird herbs, slept, got angry that I was sick, blamed myself for being sick (yes, I get mad at myself for being sick), and the evening of third day, at the urging of my girlfriend to just let myself be sick, I finally surrendered and gave myself permission to ENJOY being sick, in bed. Within 24 hours, I realized three things:

1. 1. I had been getting the message to slow down since we started the receiving practice, but I couldn't find the throttle to turn off the motor. I didn't know how to slow down to the speed the universe was asking me to, so I smashed myself into a brick wall (aka ouch side pain.)
2. I have had a pattern for my entire lifetime that I no longer need, and that I am finally ready to release. My pattern, tied to my basic survival, was that if i wasn't striving or driving then I was not surviving. I released that pattern and in it's place, I installed the belief that I am a finely tuned instrument in the universe's orchestra, and I know that as such I am always taken care of. I will play my best, take care of myself so I can play with the most power possible, and that is very different energy than striving.
3. I love floating. I remember as a kid, that I had a hard time learning how to float, I always sank. I think I had a hard time trusting that I could float on my own. So one of my favorite things to do at our summer cottage became to get on one of those big plastic floats, float in the lake in the sun, knowing that I was held by the float and it by the water. Only then could I relax. I was only 7 - patterns start early!
   

We all have patterns that keep us from receiving... that keep that striving, driving, surviving, motor running.

I INVITE you to ask yourself these two questions to uncover and transform your patterns so that you too can learn a deeper level of trust and open yourself up to receive.

1. What is/are the underlying motivation, fear, or belief that keeps you driving, pushing, striving, always doing, or trying to make it happen? Think back through your life and look at the circumstances and experiences. You will find you answer there. Pick one pattern and make the choice to shift it. Once you bring it to awareness, the universe will meet you to help you make the shift.

2. Can you float? And do you? Do you spend ample time floating, and do you trust the universe to hold you up when you do? What beliefs and patterns can you shift or embrace to give you more floating time and more access to the universe fueling your tank?

I will leave you with this thought... a wise, happy and wealthy man once told me that the key to success was to spend your energy getting to a stream that was already running and then allow that stream to carry you. People who work way harder than they have to, and put too much pressure on themselves, he said, those are the people who spend all their energy trying to create their own stream.

So this summer, I invite us all to paddle over the stream that is running fully with the energy of the divine feminine and masculine, and let them be the fuel that powers us as we play as finely tuned instruments in their symphony of life. I'm here on my float, trusting, paddle on over!

www.summerofselflove.com 

On June 22nd, I along with hundreds of women started on a 40-day virtual retreat called the Summer of Self Love... our mission? To take the pressure of having to do, be and have it all off... and to apply instead the power to RECEIVE all the love, happiness and peace we work so hard to attain.

You see, we are achievers... we've been bred to believe that we have to do, do, do, and we do, we are great doers! We get more done than most, and we do it well. We have big hearts and lots of energy so we give a lot - to the people and things we love and care about. BUT the truth is that we are NOT great receivers.

We work harder than we have to.
We are more comfortable doing than being.
We are pros at driving and striving, novices at relaxing and allowing things to unfold.
We believe we have to make it happen.
And we are tired.
Exhausted.

Isn't there a different way?

In the past three years, I have been on my own personal mission to find this way... as a woman dedicated to bringing more and more self love to myself and to the world, I am convinced that we have created lives that are unsustainable (and not self-loving... and while we all want to take care of ourselves, we find it almost impossible.

The truth is that the hippies of the 60s really had something right - all we really want in life is peace, love, happiness and freedom. It's why we all work so darn hard, isn't it. But what I have discovered over the past three years is that we never fully open to receive all that we work so hard for. Why? Cuz we are blocked.

Following are seven blocks I discovered after spending one year and 40 days learning how to receive. As you read each one, notice which you employ the most, and then use the questions at the end of this posting to start transforming your non-receiving pattern into a self-loving Feminine Super Power of RECEVING:


7 WAYS WE BLOCK TO RECEIVING...

1. Chasing the Carrot Syndrome. Always living for the day I will be X. Happy, thin, in love, etc. You are always in the future. You are future focused, not present focused. It's like being at the best 4th of July Fireworks, and thinking about your Christmas presents - you miss the fireworks, and feel unfulfilled.
2. Force vs Power. You rely totally on your man powers to make it happen, instead of your feminine super powers. You control. You are always moving and doing, because you are used to pushing. And when you are always pushing there is no space for anything to come in. This is like the woman who goes out search for a man, instead of putting out the vibration for him to come into her life. She has a plan, a strategy, she's on the dating sites, she uses a lot of her own energy to make it happen. She doesn't listen to her intuition or have any sense that there are things outside of her control. Now compare that to Sophia Loren, who uses her feminine power to the millionth degree. She just stands there, vibrates off energy, and attracts men to her, little effort, no sweat... even at the age she is today! Talk about Aphrodite energy.
3. Energizer Bunny Syndrome. Cannot Turn Yourself Off. You are always going going doing doing so again there is NO space for anything to come in. And you are the one doing it all, till you drop. Ex. You have a mind that always moves. You can't relax. In fact relaxing makes you twitch. You don't know how to "be", and maybe even see the value in 'Being', after all how much can you really get done if you are being? (hint, alot!). You may also be the type of person who thinks they can't meditate. You are addicted to doing.
4. Disconnected from Source. There is an abundant universe that wants to give you many many gifts. When you think you have to do it all on your own, when you don't have a daily practice where you connect to source, when you don't operate on faith, or are over attached to outcomes, you are out of the flow, and you are not receiving all you could. When you cut the flow off you have to work way harder.
5. Atlas Syndrome - Over-responsibility. You take everything on because you can do so much but then you end up with the entire world on your shoulders. You see something that needs to be done, so you do it. You volunteer even though you are already busy. You overcommit and then stress out because you have so much to do (although you always get it done.) Often, you think you are the only one that can do it right. You pride yourself in your maniac multi-tasking abilities. And then you get mad and burnout, because you know what, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders is too heavy, even for you.
6. Master of the Universe Complex. You try to control it all. Organizing it. Covering all the possibilities. You don't let anything fall through the cracks, and you'll work extra long and hard to make sure everything nothing can go wrong. Trust, Surrender, Accept, are not words you live by. You may be prone to stuffing your feelings... don't have time to fall apart. You would rather know exactly what is going to happen, plan for all possibilities. You really aren't into allowing things to happen. Stepping into the unknown is not your favorite thing to do.
7. Closed Heart - to yourself or to others. Your heart isn't open fully to give or receive love. You've built Fort Knox around your heart. You've learned to protect yourself. Vulnerability is not your strength and you aren't even sure if you would want it to be. No one, not even you, gets totally into the softest parts of you. And when it comes to loving yourself, lets just say that if people could see how mean you are to yourself, they would call the authorities.
   

WHICH BLOCK DO YOU HAVE... then ask yourself the question?

1.     What is the benefit?
2.     What is the cost?
3.     What is the truth?
4.     What is the consequence of admitting the truth?

I invite you to become aware of which of these blocks show up in your life... the entire 40-day practice of the Summer of Self Love is built to open up these blocks. You can learn more about the practice at www.summerofselflove.com

The other day I was talking with one of my long-time clients... a fellow recovering achievement junkie like myself, who was totally stoked about the new job he landed recently - a promotion, more direct reports, more money and more travel - but realized that once again he was falling back into old achievement junkie patterns. So I asked him to run down his entire day for me. He ran me through his entire treadmill routine... emailing before brushing his teeth, no time for meditating, yoga or breathing much for that matter, skipping lunch (no time) or eating it while glued to the computer screen, maybe getting in dinner before 7pm and finding little time for fun and friends without his fifth appendage (his iphone) distracting his attention and pulling him into the vortex of 'to dos'. Other than the people he worked with, he and his computer were having his most intimate relationship.

What struck me in our conversation was that this entire cycle of achievement junkie behavior (which admittedly I used to fall into myself) started from the moment that he opened his eyes. It starts that way for all of us. From the moment we open our eyes, the choices we make in how we spend the first hour of waking determine the flow of the rest of our day... and determine whether that day becomes one that nourishes our body and soul treating them like the temple they are, or whether it becomes another day that our bodies and souls become slaves to all the 'to do's' of the day. Even if those to dos are things that we enjoy, is being a slave through them really want we want?

So I got curious - that's what us coaches do, we ask silly questions to see what pops up. I asked my achiever client and his workhorse body, tell me the first 3 things you do as soon as you wake up. I was super curious about what he was putting into his body before he even stepped out the door... this was his answer:

1.  Coffee. I make a cup of coffee and start drinking it. Okay, check caffeine and adreneline taken care of.
2. Cigarette. I go outside and have a smoke. Okay, check, breath, albeit full of nicotine and toxins, but breath none the less.
3. Computer. I go to the computer, check email and surf the net. Great, information filling the brain, check.
   

 
The three C's! Wow. We took a moment to pause after he answered the question, and I asked him,"So what do you notice?" Another vague but sneaky coaching question. And his answer, "I am fueling my body with toxic junk before I ever leave my house. No wonder I crash about 11am, have more coffee, skip lunch alot, and then by 4pm I am dead tired, and have no energy for fun, friends  or taking care of me."  I pointed out the fact that he had infact made his body into a sweat factory. And he agreed, 'It's like here you go body have some porridge and get back to work!"

The thing that I love most working with achievers is that once they realize that something isn't working they will jump full in to making a change.

So I invited my client to join us all on the
My Body is My Moving Temple 40-day self love practice, and went on to invite him to make his first order of self love practice to change the first three things that went into his body everyday to...

1. Breakfast Tea. My acupuncturist told me that putting something warm into your body first things was the best way to tell your body, hello, its time to wake up. Welcome to the day. He also told me that coffee was the devil to your body temple, and even with clients who smoked, he asked them to give up coffee first. That says alot. Turns out that my client already had lots of great herbal tea and a good tea cup (the cup is super important. get one you love. My cup says I LOVE ME on it, of course!). I am a big fan of Mighty Leaf teas, Gypsy Tea and Yogi Teas myself... Licorice is my fave! By breakfast tea, I mean herbal, not black liquid.

2. Breath.  Sans toxins begotten from puffing on the smoke stick. Just sit, set the timer on your stove, Iphone or blackberry for 3 minutes and breathe. In and out. Everyone can do this, no training required. You can get fancy and do alternate nostril breathing, where you plug one nostril while leaving the other open and then switch. Or you can do more advanced yogic techniques like breath of fire. But most importantly just close your eyes and breathe!

3. Breakfast Shake. I've already written about how trading in my breakfast sausage for a breakfast shake has changed my life... in fact i am sipping tea and a shake right now. I do them together. Fill it with super foods. Its portable. All you need to do is shop for food, get a blender and you are good to go! An achievers dream. 

BONUS... I also added a fourth part of this self love practice, and that was taking a half day every week with no computer, no iphone, and only personal phone calls. He chose Sunday mornings til 2pm. A good choice, I myself have Christine Morning every Sunday, and it's better than chocolate!

My client accepted the invitation of 4 B's instead of 3 C's for fueling his body temple every morning. And on Sunday, after 2pm, I got an email saying he was 2 days in, successful! Gosh, I love achievers!

So now, you and YOUR body temple. Here is my invitation to you.

1.  Write down the first three things you do each morning.
2.  Write down the first three things you fuel your body temple with each morning.
3.  Make a conscious choice to change whatever fuel you are putting in that is not treating your body like the temple she/he is.
4.  Listen to this weeks Self Love Studio interview with Dr. Deanna Minich on Fueling Your Body Temple. You'll learn lots about your energy system, about cravings and about what you put in is what comes out. My favorite line from her book is this...

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS...
EAT THE ENERGY THAT YOU WANT TO BECOME!

I've never been a big breakfast person, but over the years I developed certain A.M. habits that seem to fit my sensibility and my body needs, or so I thought. The whole-wheat bagel with butter and agave. The scrambled egg whites (okay well sometimes just whites). The organic turkey sausage patties, never links, from Whole Foods. Yummy vanilla granola with a dollop of Nancy's organic yogurt and a squirt of Agave. Way better diet than the Coco Puffs and Snap Crackle Pop I was brought up on, and way tastier than the Cream of Wheat my mother tried to force feed me during the cold winter months growing up in Chicago.

And then I met Shakaya Breeze (her name even sounds like a shake!) I am not sure how it even happened. What started as a phone call inviting me to be on her super duper wellness tele-series as a guest -- which I did and loved --  turned into her daring me to try her raw shake recipes and drink my breakfast. All this before she even knew that I had been contemplating doing a cleanse and a 40-day self love practice called My Body is My Temple. I took her challenge as a sign from the universe that something needed to change. And I didn't like it.

I told Shakaya, "Sure send me the recipe and I will think about it..." while at the same time underneath my calm and graceful consideration of her invitation, my inner self was screaming in my head, 'Are you flipping kidding me?? Drink our breakfast. No way. We don't do that. We will starve. Our stomach will go crazy by 9am. Only crazy dieters drink their breakfast. We need solid food!' My inner self, scared to death of starvation, kept going, "You don't like raw food. It makes you sick. Every time you try it you feel funny. Shakes are good for people with different body types than you." Now she was getting rational, sneaky.

The truth is I was totally freaked out about the idea of drinking a shake every day for breakfast. Which is exactly why in the end, I took Shakaya up on her invitation (remembering that I love living by invitation!) One of the big reasons I decided to do the 40-day self love practice of My Body is My Temple is because I wanted to challenge all of my beliefs about food. I wanted to rewire any food patterns that were no longer serving me. So even though I didn't want to admit that I had negative food patterns running my life... when my inner self went bezerk and started spewing fear all over the place at the idea of giving up solid yummy staples in exchange for a shake I had no choice but to face the truth. It was time to trade in my breakfast sausage for a shake.

And here is what I learned:

1. I won't starve. Turns out I can get just as much if not more protein plus other good things for my body by slurping through a straw.
2. Super foods. Who knew they existed? Chia seeds. Maca powder. Cacao chips. Coconut water. Kiwicha. I found an entire new section in the grocery I never about. These foods go right in the shake and are like super powered with energy that go directly into my cells, making my temple really happy. There's no super food in sausage!
3. Shakes are meant to be chewed not slurped. I put apples, cacao chips and other things that let me kind of chew my shake, which tells my brain something different than if I just drink it. So it does fill me up. Don't know why it works, just does.
4. Makes traveling easier not harder. I had to go to NYC for 7 days and was a little concerned I would have a problem doing my shakes, but then I found "NAKED"... not me naked, but the brand of shake. Can pick it up at lots of convenience stores, groceries, etc.
   
5. It's faster and it's portable. Enough said. 21st century woman, of course i love this.

It's been way over 40-days now, and I am happy to report that after my 40-day practice of ONLY having my breakfast shake / 7 days a wee, I committed a very self-loving act... I changed my practice to 6 days of breakfast shakes, and one day of whatever I want for breakfast, usually on Sunday. Today, Sunday I had a poppy seed danish, a latte, and what else, but two breakfast sausages!

I invited Shakaya to be my first interview on the My Body is My Moving Temple series on Self Love Studio. To get the free download of our interview, visit http://www.selflovestudio.com

And if you dare to trade in your version of sausage, here are three fabulous Shakaya Breeze recipes...

BEVERAGE
 
CREAMY-DREAMY CHAI-LATTE-CHINO
TRY TO CONTAIN YOUR EXCITEMENT! This is better than STARBUCKS! I've never drank coffee, but this is so AMAZING it will DELIGHT your tastebuds and soothe your nerves.
 
1 C raw Cashews
2 C Water
1 frozen Banana
4 pitted Dates or 2 T Honey
1 t Vanilla Extract
A few pinches of CARDAMON, CINNAMOM and NUTMEG
Blend away to HAPPYLAND...;)
 
 
BREAKFAST 
HAPPINESS IN A BOWL
 
1 C Almond Mylk
½ C Goji Berries
½ C Chia Seeds
2-3 T Agave Nectar or Maple Syrup
pinch Sea Salt
pinch of spices like nutmeg, cinnamon or cardamon
drop of Vanilla ~optional
 
Pour the mylk into a favorite bowl and add sweetener to-taste along with salt, spice and vanilla.  Add goji berries and chia seeds, stir and let set about 15 minutes until it is like tapioca. This is comfort food for the soul and will spread a smile across your heart!

DESSERT
SHAKAYA'S KEY-LIME MOUSSE PARTY FOR ONE PARFAIT
 
3 Limes squeezed
2 Avocado ripe and pitted and peeled
4 T raw Honey
A dash of Vanilla
1 C fresh or frozen Berries
 
PROCESS everything but the berries until creamy and smooth.  Layer in a pretty glass with berries in the middle and on top.  Garnish with a sprig of mint. Sooooo sweet and tangy, this dessert is a delicious little guilt-free splurge, and you deserve it!

Only a week into the My Body is My Temple self-love practice I've come upon the most disturbing realization.... I've been scheduling my body out of my life for years. No wonder I don't ever feel like I have 'time' to do the things I need to take care of my body... it's only when she acts up or doesn't perform that I pay any attention to her at all.

WOW! Sitting here with this realization of my self-created self-love sabotage, how I wish that I could blame the fact that I never have time for my body on some all-powerful Calendar God who has taken control of my calendar, making it impossible for me to find me time... and making it inconvenient at best to find time to take care of this thing called a body. But the fact is that it is I, me, Christine, who over and over again seems to schedule myself right out of my own life.

That became crystal clear to me last weekend when I found myself at my acupuncturist office on a Saturday morning. I really needed to be in that office four days prior, on Wednesday when the immense pressure and tight stress that had been sitting in my shoulders for days, suddenly moved its way into the entire right side of my body, from my finger to my toe, causing my arm and leg to feel like dead weights vs. healthy active limbs. But when I looked at my schedule and compared it to the open office hours, there was no space for me. My calendar was full of commitments to other people... all great stuff, and all things I love, but all things that meant there would be no time for my body until Saturday.

So my temple and I did the best we could, asking my generous guy Noah to give us spontaneous massages before bedtime, just to do something with the stuck energy sitting in our body. And on Saturday, I made it to see Dr. Feng, After many needles, he said what he often says to me, wise man that he is, "Christine, you must take care of yourself too. When you give and give to everyone else you will have nothing left for yourself.' "Yes, Dr. Feng," I thought, "I have heard that before." But this time I went on to think, "Well, why is it that those words never make it past the Taoist zen of his office?"

And then the Calendar God spoke... or maybe it was my Inner Wisdom that responded, "Uh, because you never schedule yourself into your life. You schedule yourself out of your life, by scheduling everyone and everything else in first." Ahhh! Ancient Chinese Secret! Yes, I get it.

Seeing my life through this new self love lens of "My Body As My Temple" suddenly I got something that I had been missing about this sage advice from Dr Feng.  While I was vastly improved on taking me time to do something I enjoyed, I hardly ever took time explicitly for my temple.


The 40-day self love practice of "Taking Care of ME" that I did from January through Feb 13th had made an impact: I improved at taking ME TIME when it came to 'doing' something I want to do. I could read a book, or start work a little later without guilt.

So much so that on Friday, I went on ABC-TV to share how I take and find ME-TIME. From Tiara time, to Narnia time, to The World Is MY Oyster time, we shared a lot... check out the clip here, and see the real results of what I got from that previous self-love practice.


Scheduling time to take care of my body, to do the things SHE wants and needs, hmmm, that hardly ever makes the list. In fact it only seems to make the list when my body and her needs have reached the place of dire straights. Like, my toenail polish is currently half missing... my dentist appointment rescheduled twice.... my refrigerator on it's way to barren... and don't get me started on the underwear again...

And wait, the self-sabotage becomes even more clear... when I walked out of the treatment room at Dr. Fengs on Saturday... I approached the receptionist and said with pride, "I would like to schedule my next appointment with Dr. Feng" (thinking to myself, okay Calendar God, we are going to schedule this temple first!)...

"In fact," I went on to say with pride, "I would like to schedule my WEEKLY appointments for the next month to support My Body as My Temple self love practice."

Her face smiled, my face smiled, both full of happy at the thought of my body receiving such love. And then... my Iphone emerged with news that announced, "You can't do Tuesday, you can't do Thursday, you can't even do next Saturday... you have no body time availability to see Dr. Feng for a week and a half!"

How can that be I thought as I looked again and again at the days and times, asking that poor receptionist at least 10 times, so when again are your office hours? Again and again I searched, and there was nothing. And that is when it struck me...

Christine, you have scheduled yourself right out of your life!

And you know, as much as I hate to admit it, that statement is true. If I am honest, then I have to admit that I have never made my body a priority. It has always been a "thing" I needed to take care of.... And usually only after it acted up in some way. You think I would have gotten to see Dr. Feng if she hadn't started acting up this week. Honestly, no.

And that makes me sad.
1. That I would think of my body as a thing vs a temple.
2. That I would call her an 'it'. And
3. That I haven't made her ME TIME a priority.

Well thank goodness for this 40-day self-love practice, My Body is My Temple!!! Because now I am actually aware of a pattern I didn't really understand. Yes, I am much better at taking ME TIME, but wow, I still have some shifts to make in ME TEMPLE TIME.

So you know what my first action was after I sat their frantically trying to find 'time' on my Iphone calendar while the very very kind receptionist watched me, "I surrendered. I said, okay, next week is what it is. And, the week after I start my ME TEMPLE TIME with Dr. Feng weekly. And I scheduled my body right into my calendar for the entire month of April! And then, wait, I went one step further, I came home and instead of picking up my computer and going right to work, I laid in bed and let the magic of Dr. Feng Temple Time soak in. I am shifting... more self-love on the scene!

I love this 40-day practice, and I invite each of you to find your own epiphanies and share them on our Madly in Love with ME Facebook Fan Page. We are in this together!

Here is to each one of us knowing that our temples need ME TIME that isn't about "doing" anything but taking care of her...

And may we always remember to take care of her, before she has to get ornery and draw our attention to the fact she's been neglected.

GUEST BLOG - Welcome
Christine Hassler

Romance. We are all suckers for it (yes even you guys--you know what it leads to!) Images of romance surround us: the couple holding hands at Starbucks, the gazillions of bridal magazines you breeze past on the way to buy toilet paper, or the frolicking couples on billboard perfume ads. Newsflash: real people don't do this.

Since most twenty-somethings are entering their first serious romantic relationship, expectations of what it's supposed to be like are fueled by advertisements and Hollywood rather than real-life experience. And this is where the guys have my utmost sympathy. Unless you have a screenwriter following you around, it is nearly impossible to live up to the moves of the latest Hollywood Heartthrob. Let's examine one of the most popular aaahh-inducing lines in a movie: "You complete me" from Jerry McGuire. He even says it in front of a room of the woman's closest friends! After that, the two embrace in a "you-are-my-soulmate" hug.

I bring this line up because I see so many twenty-somethings craving a relationship in the hopes that it will complete them in some way -- make them happier, relieve some kind of stress, keep them on par with their peers, or please their parents. The most dangerous thing you can expect or do in a relationship is to hold onto the expectation that the person you are with is there to do something for you. That is not the point of a relationship. A healthy relationship is defined by two independent people who share a love for each other but are not dependant on each other.

Whether you are currently swaying to your own beat, sashaying between different partners, or waltzing with one person in particular, it's important that you take the time to dance alone, to understand your personal rhythm, before matching yours to another. Take some single time, especially in your twenties, to learn who you are sans a plus one. You have the rest of your life to share a tube of toothpaste with someone else so enjoy these years of being on your own -- savor it. Living your own life, making your own decisions about your future, and dealing with the "real world" is a plate-full. Serious relationships can make it more difficult for you to figure yourself out, and not knowing who you are can do damage to future relationships. You will probably change more in your twenties than during any other decade in your life. The person you are at thirty may have a vastly different opinion about what you value in a partner than who you are at twenty-three. So date yourself. Fall in love with yourself.

Okay, so if you are still aching to register at Crate & Barrel, will some statistics make you feel better about staying single and feeling "complete" on your own first? Know that Americans are getting married later and later in life. A USA Today analysis of the new census figures shows that just 23.5% of men and 31.5% of women ages 20-29 were married in 2006. In 1970, 19% of births were to women 25 and up. Now, over 50 percent of births are to women 25 and up. Think of it this way: ideally you'll get married and have a long life together. You'll be with this other person for decades, maybe even over half a century, so what's the rush?

And if you're bummed because you are receiving more wedding invites than junk mail these days? Just go and enjoy the chicken dish at your friends' weddings. I know it can be stifling, frightening. It may even make you want to bash your head in with the complimentary champagne flute. To make matters worse, your family starts dropping hints about settling down. Or maybe they say you have plenty of time, but you feel like time's running short. Just take a deep breath, swallow the last bite of wedding cake, and know that when the time and person is right, it'll happen. Don't compare yourself to other people, even if they are your friends. It's your life and your schedule.

And if you are in a relationship, just be sure that you are conscious of continuing to develop your own sense of identity. Sure, a relationship takes compromise, but maintaining your own sense of individuality and independence is important. Do things alone, enjoy time with friends or on hobbies without your mate, and continue to invest in your own personal growth. The best relationship is when two people that complete themselves come together to enjoy each other. Look for your "soul-match," not a fantasy "soulmate" who will complete you in some way -- that's your job!

Confused about whether or not you complete yourself?

Here are some signs of personal completion:

• Whether you are single or in a relationship, you cherish your alone time. You don't feel lonely. You actually enjoy doing things on your own. A movie or dinner alone does not scare you.
• You can be around other couples by yourself without feeling jealous or sad about not having a significant other (or not having your significant other with you).
• The idea of being in a relationship sounds wonderful, but it is not something you obsess about everyday. If you are in a relationship, it does not consume your daily thoughts or activities.
• You have a clear sense of who you are and what your values are -- another person would not be able to sway you to sacrifice or change the things that matter to you the most.
• You realize you are responsible for your own happiness and do not look to anyone else to make you feel a certain way. You have no expectations of what a relationship is supposed to do for you.

I realize these signs are not exactly the making of a greeting card or Blockbuster Romantic Comedy; but I guarantee you, if you learn how to complete yourself in your twenties, you will eventually attract your "soul-match." Remember, we attract a reflection of ourselves, so consider working on completing yourself as an investment into upping the quality of your lifetime companion.

Based on the book 20 Something Manifesto. 
Copyright  2008 by Christine Hassler. 
Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. 
www.newworldlibrary.com or 800/972-6657 ext. 52.


Christine Hassler left her successful job as a Hollywood agent at twenty-five to pursue a life she could be passionate about. In 2005, she wrote the first guide book exclusively for young women, entitled Twenty-Something, Twenty-Everything: A Quarter-life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction. As a life coach, she specializes in relationships, career, and self-identity with a counseling emphasis. As a professional speaker, Christine leads seminars and workshops for audiences around the country. She has appeared on The Today Show, CNN, and PBS. She lives in Los Angeles. Her website is www.christinehassler.com.

I have always been a big believer that how you feel on the inside is how you feel on the outside. And when it when it comes to my spirit and soul - I get an A+. 9 years of personal exploration, a daily practice and a lifetime commitment to being connected to and serving a source much bigger than I. The core of my being, my spirit and soul feel pretty good.

However, when I go from the spirit/soul level to the inside of my physical and very human body, my grade slips because I do really love red wine and cheese. But I still give myself a solid B... and getting better every day as my body becomes my temple over these next 40 days.

But now let's go two layers out -past the epidermal layer to the layer that sits on top of it... my underwear, and Houston we currently have a problem!

I have always believed that feeling good from the inside out included how the clothes under my clothes felt. Old and comfy grandma-like underwear... feel old, comfy and tired. Mismatched or uncomfortable bras and panties... not operating or looking my best on the outside. And we won't even mention the ones who've become faded, holey, or a relic from history.

Think about it... when you put on your best underwear or your super fun panties don't you feel fabulous?


And when you put those, let's just call them 'other' underwear, do you feel any kind of good at all?

Yesterday, I found myself looking through my underwear drawer noticing that my supply had dwindled to two pairs of 'feel good and sexy,' three pairs of 'fun and free' and many pairs of 'other.' Which I might not have noticed, had I not been getting dressed to go to an appointment with my personal stylist at Nordstrom's. I thought that I had chose a cross between feel good and fun undergarment, up until I found myself in the Nordstrom's dressing room removing my jeans and shirt to slip on a designer dress, and to my complete horror... I discover I have a hole in my panties! Ahh!!!

Not big, not even that noticeable, but a hole in my panties. The panties on my temple! And my temple says to me, in the most loving voice (quietly so no one else could hear thank goodness), "Really Christine, this is an unacceptable adornment for a temple... and for you. Where is the self-love? I am calling for an Underwear Revolution!

 

After successfully finding and buying the cutest black and white spring dress, I beelined myself to the lingerie department. What I quickly realized is that I had just walked into a huge jungle of underwear! Trees and tress of panties, bushes of bras, and the occasional tiger striped slip lurking in the distance. I was overwhelmed!

Nylon. Cotton. Rayon blend. G-string. Boy short. Full panty. Lace. Bows. Seamless. White. Bright Pink. Multi-colored. And I won't even get into the bushels of bras! All I wanted was some fun, super-powered panties and now I found myself feeling like I used to feel when I would go to buy wine... staring at the rows and rows of bottles, feeling rather uneducated, not wanting to make a mistake, and ultimately just closing my eyes, trusting my intuition and hoping for the best!

Something in my intuition said not to approach buying my fun super-powered panties this way... that it would pay to take some time to make choices that would make MY temple happy, which may or may not be the same for another woman.

I didn't buy a single pair of panties that day... but I did come up with some rules about what my temple wants from the fabric that sits between her skin and the clothing the world sees. I am going to sit with these proclamations... do a little more research... and then when I am ready, wave the flag to start the Underwear Revolution.

1. My temple wants to breathe - she doesn't want to be suffocated.
2. My temple wants to feel super-powerful - not like she is wearing a diaper.
3. My temple wants to be fun and free - not dowdy and constricted
4. My temple doesn't like things crawling into crevices they don't belong - she likes things in their right place, that feel good.
5. My temple wants to have choices about how she wants to feel on any given day - sassy, super powered, fun, sensitive, sexy, sporty, free.
6. My temple wants to be adorned with beauty, always, and appreciates the care and self-love I put into every piece of fabric I put on her, as much as she appreciates every morsel of food I put in her.

I am SO enjoying the conversation I am having with my temple about our Underwear Revolution. And it feels so much better than the way I would have approached this before: Picked a few underwear from the rack, not paid attention to the $$, hoped for the best when I got home, and probably been half happy and half disappointed... ultimately creating guilt for spending too much money, stress from not knowing the right decision to make, and judgment about how I should know better to repeat this not self-loving pattern.

It's only Day 4 of the My Body is My Temple Self-Love practice, and all ready I have more self love! Who would have thought you could get that from a pair of underwear!!

Okay, maybe I AM addicted to 40-day self love practices, but hey, there are way worse things to be addicted to! This addiction actually brings me more LOVE vs. less, so I say, let's keep the 40-day self-love practices going all year long.

I am just coming off of a 40-day self-love practice of Receiving, and the one that preceded that was the 40-day Taking Care of ME practice that many of you have been doing the last 40 days. We started on Feb 13th and finished yesterday, March 25th by everyday waking up and asking ourselves, 'What do I need to do to take care of ME today?"

So what is next? When I asked this question I got inspired by two things... 1. Last year, one of five 2009 themes was "My body is my moving temple." I spent a whole year trying to bring that into reality and ended the year with a B-.  I want more! And 2. At the Madly in Love with ME Celebration on February 13th, I asked two transformational artists to perform something that embodied the energy of My Body Is My Temple, so that women could literally FEEL what that would be like. My friend Kalila danced an amazing temple dance, and Lone Morch created this amazing movie, My Body As Temple which you should so check out on our you tube channel.

This all leads me and you! to

the "My Body is My Temple" 40-day Self Love Practice

which is the perfect practice to do now! We just celebrated Spring Equinox last weekend which is all about renewing and replenishing. Spring is a time to start shedding all that extra energy we were holding on to to keep us warm and cozy during the Winter months. In the Ayurvedic tradition it's one of the main times to do a full body cleanse. And lets face it, Spring is the time right before bathing suit season, so many of us may have our bodies on our minds.

My relationship with my body has never been my strongest relationship. For me it's not that I hate her, it's that I forget about her. Like I can go months without looking at my toes, feeling my calf or noticing that I have this appendage called an arm. I take my body for granted, as if she is always going to be there to be the workhorse I have always expected her to be. As an achiever I have driven her past the brink of exhaustion on many occasions to 'get the job done' and the truth is that I have treated her more like a piece of machinery at my beck and call than as the temple that she deserves to be treated as.

The other truth is that without her, I would be nothing. I don't exist on this planet without her. My spirit needs this form to be on this earth. None of the passions, missions, dreams I have can be accomplished without her. And although I like to think that I am in charge of her, the truth is that very quickly, if I don't adore her the way a temple deserves to be adored, she will be in charge of me, and I won't be able to do a darn thing about it.

Just think about any time you didn't feel good physically -- from a canker sore to a cold to a much more serious condition - you were at the mercy of your body, and the only way to change the situation was to treat her well.

Well, what if we treated her well before she revolted and got sick?

What if we treated her well, despite our judgments on what she 'should' be?

What would it be like if we treated our bodies like temples, and everyday that was the lens through which we made choices?

I am not sure what the answer is to that last question, but I want to know, and that is why today, I say YES! to this new self-love challenge...

 
The year I left my corporate job in 2007, I named "The year of receiving"... I always pick a mantra for the year based on the quality that I really want to bring into my life and my self. While I had always been great at making it happen, a skill very valued in the man-powered corporate world, I knew that to thrive as a an entrepreneur and a visionary leader I had to learn how to let things happen, I needed to activate my feminine super power of Receiving.

Three years later, even after a full year of learning it, I still find the Feminine Super Power of Receiving one of the hardest to explain, which seems weird to me on one hand because it should be as simple as saying, it's just like accepting a present from someone. They give you a gift, you say thank you. But that doesn't seem to quite cut it. It's like my achiever brain doesn't register something when I think about receiving in the biggest context of that is how I live my life. "What do you mean receive? Do I just sit here on my throne like Queen of Sheba letting my subjects bring me gifts?" Not exactly. And then you couple that with my social conditioning that it is better to give than to receive and then all those frayed guilt synapses I've spent years rewiring start to sparkle just a bit.

So in the absence of being able to appropriately explain the Feminine Super Power of Receiving to you, I did what any good achiever does, I decided to do something about it. But unlike my former achievement junkie self, I waited until I was 'invited' to do something about it.

After finishing my 40 day taking care of ME practice on February 13th, that little but mighty voice inside my head, who I have come to know and love as my intuition said to me... let's try Receiving again. At first my ego was a little bruised, "What do you mean? I spent an entire year learning how to receive? Do you mean I have more to learn?" An undeniable YES! was her answer, and now I sit here roughly 20 days since I began, and here is what I have learned...

You'll spend less energy and you'll receive more if you wait for an "invitation" vs. pushing to make it happen.

Several months ago one of my dear friends Catherine told me that she had proclaimed a new life rule (she does this on occasion)... and this time her new life lens was 'I wait to do anything until I am invited.' And I thought to myself, "Well that is nice, good for you! And that is a non-apply to me." It was like one of those moments when you kind of get what someone is saying and on the other hand kind of don't but in either case, know you don't really want to know more. Of course what I realize now is that what she shared with me was just sheer brilliance, I was just not ready to see it

Fast forward to two weekends ago, early into my 40-day Receiving when I attended the Sister Giant conference in Los Angeles put on by Marianne Williamson... an event mind you that I was 'invited' to come to another friend. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall.

This other friend is a master at the invitation... although I didn't know it at the time because we've only know each other a few months. When I say she is a master at the invitation what I mean is that she let's things come to her. Opportunities arise, she notices them, she says, Yes or No, and then she moves into them. She's lived her whole life this way she tells me. And this time my achiever brain goes, "Huh, I think there is something to this invitation thing!" Both she and Catherine expend tremendously less energy than I do. No toil to 'make it happen' or 'get it all done' or 'be in the right place at the right time' or 'have the right plan'... and yet they are both successful, they are both happy and the truth is that they are more free to enjoy their lives than I am.

It's not that they aimlessly float around their lives waiting for someone to invite them to a party or tell them what they want to do. They have a knowing and a focus on what they want. They are women of action. And they accomplish great things - from raising daughters, to writing best sellers, to choregraphing beautiful dances and changing people's consciousness - no small feats! But they do it with a grace and ease that until now I know I have lacked, and that I believe that I have officially not believed worked as well as my tactic of push, push, make it happen.

living by invitation only

I lived by invitation for the entire weekend at Sister Giant and the magic that happened for me was profound - I had experiences and met women that I never would have if I had been up to my old achiever ways... and it all unfolded for me.

I am currently still living by invitation which has continued to bring more magic... and questions... but I will save those for another blog.  For now, consider yourself the 40-day receiving practice and living by invitation only.

In honor of Women's History Month, I have to out myself.  As an educated mba from one of the best educations in the country, I have been ignorant to the truth of our history as women. Sure, I know the facts... but that is not the same as knowing, or feeling, the reality. What I learned in history class didn't come close to telling me the truth of what women have endured just in the last century, let alone the last three hundred, or two thousand years. I got the same scrubbed down version of history that you did -- unless you were a feminine studies major -- straight from the lips of a patriarchal society.  Oh, women couldn't vote, so there was this suffrage movement and now they can. Oh, there was this thing called Roe vs Wade that made abortion legal. Oh, women were burned at the stake during this thing called the Inquisition. And yes, there was this other thing called the Feminist Movement that created equal rights. None of those were more than a few pages in any of my history books, how about yours?

And my female relatives growing up didn't make me any wiser about the reality either. They came from the school of "that's just how things were," not the "you need to know these historical realities as a woman because we never want to forget where we come from, and what has been given by the women before us." They didn't make it part of their job as women to pass down the stories of women from generation to generation... and that is a big loss. One that I know after this weekend, I will not repeat.

This weekend -- at the age of 39 -- I finally got WISE! Sitting with 500 women in a hotel ballroom in Los Angeles at the Sister Giant conference, I tapped into and felt in my cells our lineage as women and I felt my heart ache, my eyes well up with tears, and my courage lift as I watched three movies that put me in awe at the bravery and hardships of what generations of women before me have faced. 

I say 'tapped into' because as I sat there in that room, it wasn't just the 500 women that were there, it was also the 500 generations of women that have lived before invisibly sitting in the seats. While I couldn't see them with my eyes, I felt them with every fiber of my being. I say 'felt in my cells' because I experienced the facts that used to sit in my head about women's rights, witch burnings, transform themselves from ideas to human realities. When you see a woman being forced fed with the use of a tube up her nose and a metal device being shoved in her mouth to part her lips and make her eat, suddenly the facts become about a person, they become very human, and your heart receives a message it's not likely to forget -- nor should it.

I let myself be affected this weekend by these films -- something that I am not sure we always do. Our hearts are so closed off in our society, going about our busy busy lives. But to be affected is truly an act of love, both for the self, and for others.

If you are a woman, see these films, and if you know young women watch these with her, tell her this same history.  We are visual beings... and I Imagine the world would be much different if we sat and watched movies like this together vs. chatted mindlessly about the problems of the Housewives of Orange County.


Iron Jawed Angels
You can vote, you know that. But did you know that women were arrested, beaten, forced fed with tubes up their noses and tortured with the use of iron jaws to open their mouths and force them to eat when they called a hunger strike? Hilary Swank and Angelica Houston rock in this movie that made me cry, cringe and shout with joy.
 








The Burning Times

It's estimated between 1million and 9 million people were burned, tortured and killed during the Inquisition -- 85% of them women -- in an effort to stamp out the goddess and pagan traditions and replace them with the controlling patriarchal structures. You can watch this 20 minute movie on You Tube.







Pray the Devil Back to Hell
 
 

You might have heard the prophecy that it will be women that change the world. You've most likely heard that the fierceness of a mother protecting her child is like no other. These women of Liberia prove them both. They stopped a war torn country from fighting because they said "ENOUGH! No more war. We want peace." If women with 'no money' can stop a country from killing each other, what the heck are we capable of?"










I am on board for educating myself as much as I can. If you have other movies or books or DVDs that you think every woman should see, please post it on our Madly in love with ME facebook page. Understanding our history as women is part of accepting and loving who we are. I know I gained great perspective from these films... it's a lot easier for me to love myself and be compassionate when I consider I've never had a feeding tube forcibly stuck up my nose while being detained in a jail against bogus charges.

Trading 40-Days of Sacrifice for 40-Days of Self-Love!

I had a revelation today on Lent that has nothing to do with religion, but has everything to do with using the power of the universe, or as I am referring to it this year... SOURCE. Remembering that this is the year I use the energy of the season vs. trying to be my own generator system, I saw a great synchronicity between three things - Madly in Love with ME Day, Lent and self love.

First Lent -- Growing up Catholic, I was taught that Lent -- the 40 days of time before Easter -- was all about giving up something you loved for 40-days, a personal symbol of sacrifice. Now I am not sure if I translated that correctly or not, but when I look back at the things I usually gave up - sugar, alcohol, smoking, lying -- what I see now is that what I always gave up was something that wasn't good for me anyway. And although at the time (because I had these not so good habits) it really did feel like some kind of sacrifice. But, what is SO apparent now is that what I was giving up wasn't a sacrifice, I was releasing a bad habit, and that was really good for my soul! The truth was that these  substances or behaviors I lived with the other 320+ days of the year, kept me separate from the universe, source, god, whatever you want to call it, and without them I was better off.

Second Madly in Love with ME Day -- What I didn't know growing up - but that I know and use now in my self-love teachings - is that the number 40 is SUPER powerful and it has nothing to do with religious background. The yogis, metaphysicians and brain scientists all agree that if you can do anything for 40 days, you can change patterns, break habits and free yourself. On February 13th - the international day of self-love - I asked every woman in the room with me at the Claremont Resort and Spa to take the challenge of doing a 40-day self-love practice called "Taking Care of ME" which is a practice that makes it easier for us women to take care of ME as well as make a difference and take care of what and who we love -- without exhausting ourselves or feeling guilty.

The practice is this:  Every morning before you get out of bed, ask yourself the question... "What do I need to do to take care of ME today?" And whatever it says... you have to do it! No matter what. Especially if feels like 'no way I don't have time. It's the only way to break the crazy patterns in your head.

I myself finished this Taking Care of ME 40-day self-love practice on February 13th (I'd never ask you to do anything I hadn't tried first) and it has changed my life!!  Doing this practice broke some pretty deeply ingrained patterns in me. Of course I knew I wanted to take care of myself - we all know that. But my brain couldn't seem to find the 'time.' The problem I learned was not 'time' ... the problem was deep conditioning in me that stemmed from a basic lack of trust that if I wasn't 'DOING' it, it wasn't happening. After 40 days of challenging myself to do life differently, my brain now understands that when I take care of me, stop doing, create space and relax, I get more done because the universe chimes in and helps (along with lots of other people!).

Self-Love, Lent & 40 Days -- So now back to this energy that is SO available for each of us right now - no matter what your beliefs or background are.,I say, lets use Lent as a 40-day period that can be about letting go of patterns that are not self-loving. Let's make it about letting more love into our lives vs. all that hard work, toil and sacrifice business. Many spiritual leaders say that LOVE is the most powerful thing in the universe... not misery or suffering. That LOVE has the potential to change the world, and therefore each one of our lives.

So when you look forward at the next 40-days, what pattern do you want to let go of ... or what energy do you want to invite in to your life... that will bring MORE SELF LOVE to you?

How about the Take Care of ME self-love practice??
or
I'm doing a 40-day practice of RECEIVING, where I am repatterning myself to be a better receiver, by using the lens of "Am I receiving?" for every request, offer or situation I find myself in.
or
A 40-day practice of the Comparison Diet, where you give up comparing yourself to everyone else, including yourself. No judgments or comparisons, just self-love.

Whichever practice you choose, I invite you do so from the energy of self love vs. sacrifice. The energy in which you do anything has the biggest impact on the outcome... just think about it... how much happier and successful are you when you do something out of love vs. when you have to give something up?

Give yourself the gift of the self-love, starting today... and we'll all check in with each other along the way, celebrating in 40-days with the rebirth of a greater SELF than when we started.

The unsustainable lifestyle of the modern day woman

 

Feed the kids.  Get a raise.  Loose the weight.  Clean the house.  Wear the lingerie.  Whew!  It is tiring being a woman these days.  We have more opportunities, self-confidence and independence than any generation of women before, yet something isn't working. 

Why is it so exhausting?   And why do we always feel like we can never catch up?

 

Being the recovering achievement junkie that I am, as well as a woman on a quest to really understand all the ways women love and don't love themselves this is the answer I have come up with...

While we all know that the earth needs to be sustainable in order to survive, we've failed to realized that WE need to be sustainable in order to thrive. We -- our bodies, our minds, our spirits - are NOT SUSTAINABLE based on how we live today, yet we think we should just be able to downward dog,  multi-task or prioritize our way out of this... and it's not working!

Think about how many times you've said to your girlfriend, "I'm so overwhelmed" or "I'd love to but I don't have time." Or even worse, remember the times you didn't reach out and instead went to that dark place of feeling super alone, like the entire world was on your shoulders.

 

Women today face pressures like no other generation. We have more opportunities but not more happiness. A recent study by Time Magazine showed women today are no happier than women were in the 1970s, before the women's movement and equal rights.

 

Does that mean that equality was bad?  No, the feminist movement was hugely important to raising the standards of life for women around the world, and like anything it had unintended consequences which we now have to deal with so that we can figure out what is right for today's woman."

 

The unintended consequences:

 

·       Too many roles. Mom. Money Maker. And Major Caretaker. 40% of women are the major breadwinners in their families, and 55% report that they still take care of most of the responsibilities at home. So you can understand why...

·       Women Are Running Themselves Into Exhaustion. It's estimated that 80% of women are so overworked and stressed that they suffer from adrenal gland fatigue, whether they know it or not. Women slough off or mistreat the symptoms like weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, depression, cravings and mood swings, and then, because they aren't listening to their bodies warning signals, they end up with serious health concerns like auto-immune and thyroid disease.

 

 

What Can Women Do About It?

It's been said that women will change the world, and I firmly believe that, however, we won't  change anything if we don't take care of ourselves first! And we need to support each other to do so. So this year, I am daring every woman to make 2010 the year she takes care of herself as well as everything else in her life... without exhausting herself in the process!

THE DARE : a 40-day Self Love Practice

To kick off this dare, on February 13^th, the international day of self-love (a.k.a. Madly in Love with ME Day), I'm asking you to commit to a 40-day self-love practice called Taking Care of ME. Every morning for 40-days before you get out of bed, ask yourself, "What do I need to do to take care of me today?" And then listen. Whatever it says, you have to do it. Take a nap. Start work at noon. Whatever.

Why? I know that you want to take care of yourself, but your brain tells you that you don't have time. And time is so not the issue! You literally need to reprogram your brain to have new beliefs that support you taking care of you. Beliefs that you can rest, relax and take care of you... and everything will still be taken care of. Brain scientists, yogis and metaphysicans agree if you can do anything for 40 days you can change your habits. 

Do you dare???

MY DARE: What I learned from doing this dare.

I've been doing this self love practice for the past 36 days, and honestly,  there have been days it has really kicked my butt! Especially the day it said, 'Do Not start work til noon' and I said, "Are you crazy?" I have a presentation, a zillion things to do and then some. But I made the pact with myself so I had to do it, and I did, and what happened? My entire presentation downloaded into me while I was sitting in the sun at 11am, my intern showed up and did a bunch of stuff, and all the pieces fell into place.

I have been learning to trust. I have been rewiring very deep beliefs that if I don't do it, no one will. If I don't do it, my life will fall apart. And I've come face to face again with my achievement junkie who runs me harder than anyone else ever could.

Check out this clip from ABC-TV where I talk about my 40-day Taking Care of ME Dare. I wouldn't ask you to do anything I hadn't done myself!

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=view_from_the_bay/everything_else&id=7255902

It's day 15 of my 40 day self-love practice of Taking Care of ME first, and I have to laugh. I often call myself a recovering achievement junkie because I am still recovering. Case in point  is that not only I am on this 40 day practice, but I added another 28-day practice to it, LOL! I rationalize this by saying that I'm not doing the practices to achieve anything, but to actually make myself happier.... so that means that it's not junkie behavior right??

So to get to the point and the AHA that I am just dying to share with you! So my second practice has been to embody the quality of IMPECCABILITY. Which to me takes the quality of meeting your commitments, doing what you said you would do, basically having integrity at a whole new level. There is just something about the word impeccable that doesn't leave any room for wiggle. If you say it will be there by noon, by noon it is. If you say within 24 hours, within 24 hours. No wiggle.

And while that may sound restricting and like it adds way more pressure than one would want to put on themselves, especially during a 40-day take care of myself practice, I have to tell you it's actually been liberating and really eye opening. So much so that...

I think I've found yet another key to why we as women often end up last on the list and find it so hard to take care of ME.

1.  We like to say YES! And we don't like to say no. You get an invitation to dinner. A girlfriend invites you to a drink. Your mother asks you to go shopping. Your boss asks you to take on a new project. A colleague asks for an hour of your time for brainstorming. Most of the time you say YES, right? Unless you are totally stressed out, and then you decline, but only after you've completely explained how overbooked you are. We are givers and that is a great thing, however, most of us give more than we have to give. We give and give until we have nothing left. We say YES when if we were really taking care of ME, the answer would be, "Thank you but no."  Whether we are afraid we won't be liked, we don't want to let the person down, or we feel like we 'should' be able to do it all... our inability to say no costs us a lot on the taking care of ME scale.
   
2. We overpromise and then push ourselves to deliver. I had a male boss once, Joe, a white-haired man 20 years my senior. And Joe had three rules, which he shared with our team via a power point presentation when he became our leader (seriously). I'll save you the entire presentation, but I will share this one rule with you that he lived by ... "Always underpromise and overdeliver." Viola'... because they you will always give them more than they want with less effort from you. And he did it, all the time. Me? When someone asks me when I will get back to them, or when I am giving someone the timeframe in which I can complete something, I fail Joes' advice more often than not. The overpromises fly out of my mouth while my body and intuition are saying, "NO! Make that date later in the week... make that turnaround time 2 days later," my ego mind overrides them and like the achiever it is, picks a date that will make me work harder than anyone but me expects me to.
   

We have the power to take care of ourselves, we're just not using it!
The interesting thing about these two AHA's is that I've known all of it for many years. But I never ever connected them to my ability, or non ability to put taking care of me first, to make taking care of me easier.

But by doing these two practices together, I really got that I have the power to make taking care of me easier or harder by what I commit to. And much of the pressure I put on myself, is just that, pressure I put on myself. When I am making promises to do a favor or complete a task... or am agreeing to a deadline... or making plans with a friend... they don't have crazy expectations of me in most cases, they just want to know what I can feasibly do. And whatever I tell them, they will react to and assume to be true. If they need something more they will ask.
It's not my job to figure out what they need and the overcompensate and overstretch myself to provide it. It is my job to take care of me, and taking care of me means showing up as the person that I want to be in this world and making sure that she is taken care of.

Impeccable and Taking Care of ME, the How to...
I am committed to both, and I invite you to try both too, so that you can feel good about yourself, and feel good inside of yourself. 

1. Like being impeccable. Live by the energy of impeccability and let yourself feel how great it is to be able to do exactly what you say you will do. How good it makes you feel to give to others what they need when they need it... but this time, you are going to do it because you've made a promise to yourself to be impeccable, your actions come from a place of integrity and honoring of yourself. They don't come from the place in you that wants to please someone else, or are afraid of making them mad or having them not like you, or because you think you should be able to accomplish the task. 
2. Check in with yourself before you say YES. If you've made a promise of impeccability you want to set yourself up to be successful and that means taking the time to decide what you really want to commit to -- without fear that what you are asking for is too much. You ask for what you need and let people come back to you. This is about checking in with your intuition before you say Yes to anything. Trying to schedule a meeting or respond to an invitation to a party? Stop. Check in with your intuition. When you force it what is the answer? When you act from the truth which feels easier and more spacious, what is the answer? This is a skill you're going to have to develop over time. The goal is to find the spacious feeling inside your body and act from there. It's funny, but true, that your body always knows, you just need to learn to listen to it. 
3. Make your sustainability a priority.  When committing to something really check in to see how this would affect your energy levels. What do YOU need right now and what will you need then? I declined a dinner invitation to a friends birthday party not because I didnt want to see her but because I needed to recharge me that night, and although I wanted to appear like I could do it all, I needed this time for me. So instead, I went to her house for 3 hours in the afternoon for a more intimate gathering, more relaxed and still got to give her love. I made my sustainability a priority, and guess what, she's still my friend!

Make this the year you take care of YOU!
so that you can reach your dreams, make a difference, be there for those you love and not exhaust yourself in the process.

There are thousands of women taking this challenge this year, and you can join us!

Come to http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

It's day 11 of my self-love journey of taking care of me first, and my answer of how to do that today is that I need to write this blog, today for me and for every woman and girl out there in the world who doesn't know or have self love or understand why it truly matters.

Last night I was in a room full of 50 women talking about self love, what self love is, what self love isnt, and why self love really is the answer to getting the relationships and love we want in our lives. And it was great! The women who came up to me after the interview told me of their own journeys to love themselves and what an impact it had on them. They told me of the work they were doing in the world to support other women... coaching women through divorces... supporting women in abusive relationships... filming a documentary on the desire for forever love. Work they could only do after they themselves had learned to love more of themselves. Leaving me even clearer that self love is so NOT selfish... that actually loving ourselves allows us to help, inspire and support other women and girls around the world to find safety, peace, and love.

Now I compare that blissful experience to the one I had this morning at my dining room table in which I was really saddened by these very different responses from women I received in the last two days:

• I had reservations in calling you because of all the self love stuff that is on your website. I think self love is pretty hippy dippy.
  
• Is Madly in Love with ME Day about masturbation? 
• Self love isn't for me. 

These answers befuddle me. And they make me sad. What about self love is hippy dippy? Why do we  think  masturbation when we hear the words self love? And masturbation in this case  isn't said in the kind of way that masturbation is good, but in that it is dirty. How can self love not be for you? Would you ever tell your daughter not to love herself? Don't we want our girls to respect and honor themselves so deeply that they take care of themselves... that they only have relationships that respect them... that they love their bodies for exactly what they are...  that they love themselves for who they are... AND don't we want that for ourselves, and for every other woman in our lives, and in the world?

I think we do... I think we do want these things for ourselves and our girls. Do you want these things for yourself? for your daughters, nieces, godchildren, and for the world?

Up until recently, self love has been a word reserved for therapy rooms or spiritual circles, not a topic for conversation at the dinner table or among mothers and daughters, or even girlfriends. Most of us don't know what it means, nor do we know how to find it. And if I am honest, if you had told me 8 years ago when I was still neck deep in trying to find my happiness through my career titles, the size of my house, and getting my fiance to love  and see me, I would have thought the same kinds of things. Self love would have felt totally irrelevant at best and it would have sounded like a dirty word at the worst.

As I sat at my dining room table today, being with the sadness I felt about the fact that women today still have these responses to self love, as  if it is a luxury or nice to have, vs a critical component to true happiness, I remembered, "Oh yes Christine, your life mission, to reclaim the definition of self love for every woman and girl. And today in 2010, that journey has just begun. It's your job to share what you've learned over the last 8 years, and keep learning... going from a woman who thought she loved herself to one who understands that self esteem is not self love... and that without self love, happiness, success, a great relationship, and a career that you love and that loves you back, is not attainable.

If you are not sure whether or not self love is for you... here are 4 reasons why it's critical.
If you have self love... 

1.  You won't have abusive relationships or toxic friendships. Women and girls who love themselves would never stay in a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship. 1 in 3 girls will be in an abusive relationship by the time she is 20, 80% will go back. Women who love themselves know they don't need the love of another to survive, so if they find themselves in these situations, they leave. Women who love themselves don't stay friends with people who drain their energy or that are not supportive. When a woman really loves herself she doesn't attract 'negative' people into her life any longer.
2. You won't beat yourself up for everything you're not. Women who love themselves never compare themselves to other women. They don't judge themselves harshly. And they don't focus on what they should have done but didn't do. They are able to accept the person that she is right now and love that person, not for what she gets done it a day, or for what she accomplishes but just because of who she is.
   
3. You'll be able to take care of yourself, as well as everyone else, without exhausting yourself to do it. Women who love themselves believe and trust that if they take care of their bodies, their health and their needs first, that they will be able to do everything that needs to get done in a day to take care of their jobs, families, communities and responsibilities. And they don't feel guilty for doing it. Women who love themselves do not take on the burden of everyone elses life or problems, and they don't try to control everything around them. They are not martyrs or victims to their busy lives. They refuse to be busy. And they refuse to let themselves become exhausted. They are able to create a harmony in their life that make their life run for them, not them run through their lives.
   
4. You'll take care of your body because you realize that it's what allows you to do what you love, not because you need tight buttocks. Women who love themselves understand that their bodies are like temples on loan, structures that need to be adored and taken care of, vs. shifted and shaped for appearances sake. She exercises, eats well and cares about her health not because she needs to lose 10 lbs, have flat abs or keep up with the looks of younger women. She does these things because she loves her body so much she wants to take care of it... the weight loss and the youth are the outcomes, not the drivers. Self Love is the source. It's a big mental shift that women who love themselves understand, and women who drive or abuse themselves and their bodies without compassion don't.

Those are only 4 of many many more reasons why self love isn't a luxury, a dirty word or something that's 'not for you.' If you truly want to help women and girls around the world, love yourself first. If you want to raise daughters who make great choices, love yourself first. If you want to be happy in this lifetime before you die, love yourself. If you want to experience great love, love yourself first. And if you need help doing it, join me and other women who know the power of self love at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

You don't have to do it alone.

It's self love practice day #10 -- and the pratice i chose for these 40 days is the self love practice of taking care of me first. On this day I awoke to find myself feeling the burden of the day...  before the alarm even went off in the very comfortable bed I slept in, down-comforted bed in a hotel room in LA. I had of course set my alarm on my iphone 30 minutes prior to my wake up call at 7:30am, and I had also of course scheduled a phone meeting at 8am, a breakfast at 9am, and a video taping a noon - with somewhere in there doing my hair and makeup.

See, I said I was a recovering achievement junkie! So when I woke up this morning, and man did I want to hit snooze for two more hours, I made it to the shower, washing my hair with peppermint shampoo and thinking to myself my daily question for the next 40 days, "What do i need to do to take care of myself?"

Well for the last 9 days the answers have been things like take a walk, do yoga, start work at noon, but on this day, full of things to do, those answers were not an option. So what was the answer??  After toweling off and I walked around my hotel room like a white-toweled-headed yogini, pondering this reality, "Christine, your day is packed, there isn't any space to take a nap, go for a long walk, so you better figure out a way to take care of yourself while being in the doing."

So after said phone call (which was lovely), and 5 minutes before meeting said publicist, I sat down for 3 minutes with my crystals (of which I always travel with and which sometimes make for interesting security check point adventures) and I closed my eyes, tuned into source and asked the question again, "What do I need to do to take care of myself?"

Here is the answer i got, 'Yep. Lots to do. Do it from your heart. Do it from your essence." Then the voice went onto say, "If you do this, you won't spend your fuel, we will fuel you." Okay, so that was sounding good! I get fueled by the universe vs me doing the gassing up. Ok, so it gets better.... and then it said 'Christine, when you get home at 9pm, rent Julia and Julie and love watching it. Noah is gone for the weekend, it's just you, the dog and the Julias."

So that is what I did... I did everything from my heart today... had a great phone call, did my makeup and hair, had lunch with publicist, and the best of all, showed up for my friend Carol Allen top notch vedic astrologer http://www.loveisinthestars.com and 50 women taping this rad DVD and CD series about attracting the love you want. I LOVE spending time with women and these women rocked!! We wrapped at 6pm, I was on a flight at 8pm, watched the Js and now here with you.

I am full of energy, and its 1:08 am -- (which btw is the most magical number in the universe, google 'the significance of 108' for more info).... because all day I was full of heart and therefore magic happened. I could write you a list of all the great things that happened today because I chose to come at them from WHY they were important to me vs. having to complete a task. And in that, I found space to take care of ME --- success on day #10 of the self love journey.

So on those days of yours when they are jammed packed, how can you still find the space to take care of yourself?  One way is to start by coming from your heart and letting yourself be fueled by source vs. using your energy to do it all.

When I used to think of the word liberation, it brought to my mind images of the feminist movement, women wearing and burning bras... or images of other populations of our society who at have been suppressed and oppressed and have risen to fight for and claim their freedom, their liberation. It always seemed like a word that should be applied to a group of people, not a word I would use to describe myself. And when you look at the definition you could assume that to be true...



But LIBERATION is really a word every woman should be able to say and claim, because from a self-love perspective is means to be FREE to express YOU... a major Madly in Love with ME milestone of self-love. Whether you know it or not, you have your own version of 'bondage' that keeps you from liberation -- not in the kinky sex kind ladies but in what I call the 'robes of repression' kind...  robes that we've picked up along the way, robes that tell us to be good girls, stay composed, act like a lady, keep our feelings bottled up, play smaller, not boast, and the list goes on and on. Those robes are heavy and they keep your soul and spirit from being free to express yourself with wild abandon... without the need of a substance to help!

My Liberation AHA!
The sad fact is that most people are trapped inside themselves, dying to get out... NOT liberated. I really got this lesson when I went to my first retreat in California. 25 people over 4 days at an ocean front beach retreat center. There was journaling, talking, going deeper, all that great head and soul searching stuff I was totally cool with. But then at night, there came the dancing. Free form dancing with soulful music, pieces of fabric and total permission to just let loose and not a drop of alcohol in site! Oh how I wished for a glass or two of Pinot just to oil the uptightness my bones had been trained to hold.

The dancing was the kind of exercise where one person at a time gets up and joins the circle when they feel the groove, one by one until the whole room is dancing. Of course you don't have to participate, and that night I didnt. Not because I didnt want to, but because I couldnt move. My butt was stuck to my chair, no matter how badly inside I wanted to dance. I remember it so vividly, even though it was six years ago. I sat there watching this beautiful 6-foot tall blond English woman named Joanne -- who reminds me much of my friend Elayne, also from England, a dancer and a performer at my upcoming Madly in Love with ME event. I sat there watching her move, twist and express her body with total freedom, as if she was one with the music. She was so, so, so LIBERATED! And I sat there memorized by her, wanting to get out of my chair, wanting to express myself that way too, but I couldn't move. It felt as if I was stuck inside myself crying to get out, but so darn repressed and stiff, scared to let myself move that way in a public arena that wasn't a dance club. So I remained an observer.

When I got back to my room,  I made a promise to myself  that by the end of the weekend I was going to shed my robes of repression if it killed me! If given the chance again, I would at least get up and dance. And by this same time next year I would be FREE enough to dance like the stunning golden dancer of a woman I had observed.

Here is a picture of what I looked like at the end of that weekend...



And Here is a picture of what I looked like last year at the Madly in Love with ME Self-Luv-apoolza while Elayne, aka as Kalila was performing her Shakti Dancing....





Clearly, I have been liberated!! That night I noticed that while I was now free of all robes of repression, free to move my body and my shakti in all kinds of directions, there were many more women who stood there watching the liberated bunch dance. And it made me sad. It made me sad that in that moment they were unable to let themselves go, to liberate their spirit to move with this powerful music that was calling all of our souls to move. I know that some of women really didnt want to dance, but I also know that there were women in that room who were laden down just as I had been with the robes of repression that stopped them from being free. In that moment,  I decided then that at every Madly in Love with ME event from that day forward, I would do my best to create experiences that gave women permission to throw their robes of repression to the curb and freely and fully express themselves, without the need of our friend Vino.

We will be getting our Shaktis moving on February 13th at the Claremont Resort in Berkeley, CA -- I hope you can join us!  http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com/event

And there is no need to wait until then. You know how much I love to take a dare and give them out. SO this week I dare us all to liberate ourselves through the power of dance and moving our bodies to the soul and groove of the energy that flows through us. What does that mean???

DARE:  Get your groove on.... do the liberation dance. You, your body and music that moves your soul. 1x a day let yourself go and dance freely to the music. Can even be one song. Just let yourself go, no repression, only liberation. I'll be listening to my self-love song sister, India Arie. Look at that face... her spirit and soul are liberated. Now it's our turn!

SELF LOVE

Few of us would deny that self-love is a bad idea, right? And I would wager that none of us would tell our daughters, nieces, godchildren or any other woman or girl for that matter, 'Hey you, don't love yourself, that's selfish.' And if asked by another human being, 'Do you love yourself?' most of us would want to say yes, some of us would, and yet my experience tells me that the majority of women - unless we've been actively engaged in falling in love with ourselves - don't really have a clue what being in love with ME means. Heck, it's been 8 years since the night I found myself lying in my friends apartment on a blow up mattress just having moved out of the house my ex-person and I built 'together' while she happily sat in her comfy bed making wedding plans. That was the night that I made the life changing vow to fall in love with myself... and here I am some 2,920 days later, and I am still learning about what it really means to truly, without question love me.

It has become my life mission to understand, embrace and embody self-love, share what I learn along the way, and pave a path for all women and girls to fall madly in love with themselves for the rest of their lives. So while I haven't got it all figured out - I am after all on this 40-day self-love practice right along with all of you - I have come across some of the realities and milestones that indicate that you are in fact, loving you.

I like to think of them as the Madly in Love with ME Factors. When they are present in your life, girl you can shout from the rooftops, I LOVE ME! Or at least dance in your living room in your own private party, knowing that you do have self-love. And while I firmly believe that self-love is a daily practice and something that we will get to do every day for the rest of our lives -- as in it's a great gift to fall in love with yourself -- I know that love breeds love.  So if you have any one of these factors present in your life, Celebrate! your love of you... and when you do, more Madly in Love with ME factors will show up in your life.

Last February when I was getting ready for a radio interview to talk about my book, Choosing ME before WE, I decided for kicks to look up the definition of self-love, figuring that since my book was all about self-love, it would be good to know what the 'official' definition was. When I got to www.dictionary.com (the dictionary for those of us on the go), I about fell out of my chair!!!  Here is what I read, and what www.dictionary.com still defines self love as today:

 

As I sit here the day before the new year, I am committed to releasing all the old patterns that no longer serve me - or at least the ones I can manage to get out of my system in the next 24 hours before the apple hits midnight!

I've already released 12 in the time between solstice and today, New Years Eve, yet here I sit, recovering achievement junkie just having completed a dance with yet another obsessive thought pattern that from what I can tell does me no good, at least not now at the age of 38. I'd like to leave this old pattern, let's call it Obsessive Thought Pattern #13 in 2009. Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you have an obsessive thought pattern of your own you'd like to throw off the cliff of 2009 before you give your first New Years Kiss.

My Obsessive Thought Pattern #13: It's the pattern tied to my inability to relax without having a good reason -- and it goes like this.

I wake up on this particular morning and I feel tired. I know that I have lots of things 'to do' but my gas tank feels empty. I've been working non stop for three days on a deadline, writing and creating to bring inspiration to the world, a noble but exhausting cause. But really no different than the energy any of us women exude on a day when we are taking care of everyone and everything else.

When I wake up with this feeling, I know that I need the morning 'off.' That it would be for my best good to not even look at my email til after noon and just take the morning to BE. I am beat tired and I need to refuel. So I say, "Ok, you worked hard these last three days so you deserve the morning off." And that starts the entire chain reaction of needing to have a reason to relax.


Thought #1: I feel so tired. But WHY am I tired?  (why is often a warning sign for an obsessive thought pattern emerging!)
Followed by:  What did I do wrong to be so tired? Did I work too hard? Not get enough rest? Should I have meditated more? What did I do wrong to make myself tired?

(sane note: it is insane that i need a reason to be tired, as if I can't just be tired because i am? as if our bodies don't have natural cycles of high energy and low energy. Am I supposed to be at vibration 100% every day 24/7?)

Then once that circus has finished in my head, the next thought forms...

Thought #2 forms:  Well I am tired, but should I relax or should I do something to charge my energy. Maybe I should go for a walk in the woods? Chant? Breathe? Do Something!
Followed by:  What if just relaxed? After all I am tired, and since I am tired, relaxing would be a good thing to do. Because then once I  recharge, I can do more.

(sane note:  Why is it that in order to relax, I have to be tired? That I need a reason to relax as if my wanting to take care of myself wasn't a good enough reason? And that I only see relaxing as a means to getting to do more later?)

This is an obsessive thought pattern that I've probably had forever, and I didnt really get it until today when I was talking to my friend Catherine  who came over while I was in this circus of my mind, and she said to me something like, "Sometimes I just lay on the floor or in my bed for a whole day or a few hours and watch out the window or listen to the sounds." Wow, I thought. Really? That sounds nice. My achiever would however go into convulsive spasms if I tried to do that! And yet, her words struck me into a middle ground that led me to the place where I could let go of this obsessive thought pattern...

While I won't be laying still for hours anytime soon, if I am tired, I am just tired. Don't need a reason. Just need to ask my body what she needs and do that thing. And while I may be able to do more after I am done relaxing, the reason for relaxing is not just to recharge to do more.... I am relaxing because I am taking care of ME, and taking care of means I am loving ME. And self-love is a good thing that requires no reasoning, even for an achiever like me :)

If you are like me, you probably grew up knowing nothing about Winter Soltice, except for noticing it on a calendar. As you grew up you probably learned that Dec 21st was in fact the shortest day of the year, the darkest day, the date when the days started to get longer again and the nights shorter, and the official first day of winter. Which, while are all nice tidbits of information to know,  so don't even begin to scratch the surface of the power of this day... a day, or actually days, that have the power to change everything about how you live 2010.

In the last 8 years, I've been fortunate to learn first hand about Sotlice from many of my teachers from many different traditions. And over these years I taken their ancient wisdom and translated it into my "Modern Girl's Approach to Winter Soltice," or what is also the first step in the super power of PAUSE. This time, right now, gives you access to super powerful energy that has the power to fuel your 2010... but only if you slow down to tap into it.  Slowing down to let yourself be emptied and filled up vs. being out there on constant doing mode is an act of self-love, no doubt about it.

So in service to your self-love, and the self-love of all beings on this planet, I offer you access to powerful wisdom and a few structures to help you use Winter Soltice to its fullest.





About Winter Soltice
The official day of Winter Soltice is Dec 21st, however the energy of Soltice can be felt and used for the three day period from Dec 20-23, the days leading up to Dec 25th which regardless of your religion is what I call "Restart Day".... the day you get to wake up like a new born baby, jump out of bed, in love with the world, and yourself and start with a fresh clean slate, just like the whitest of white snow.

The days leading up to the 25th, the time of Soltice are the darkest days of the year, because it is a time for reflection, for going inward, deep inside yourself to look back at the year that has been, to celebrate and learn from your surprises, successes and failures. It's a time to decide what you want to leave behind in 2009, and what you want to take with you into 2010. It's a time to be quiet and with yourself. It's a time for being grateful for all that you have created in the past year (because let's face it, it is so easy to forget all that you have accomplished).

There are 7 key times during the year when super duper potent energy is available to us, times when it's important to stop, pause and tap in. Times when the earth and the universe actually open up energy streams that we can tap into. Winter Soltice is one of those times. When you choose to stop and plug yourself in, you can stop having to be the energy stream, and you can tap into an energy stream that is 1000x more powerful than your one body (no matter how buff she is). It's the difference between you being a strand of Christmas tree lights and trying to power them with a foot pump vs. plugging them into the wall with a constant energy source from some mega energy plant. Plugging yourself into Winter Soltice lights you up vs. you having to do all the pumping.  

What's A Girl to Do On Soltice?
If you are an achiever like me, you've probably been conditioned to believe that if you are not doing something, you are not creating value. I beg you girlfriend to girlfriend to let go of that belief today. I've learned the exhausted way, that this demented achiever mentality only leads  to working way harder than necessary. Your task during Solitce is to take some time to BE with yourself, and to literally experience the wisdom, the energy and the happiness that becomes available to you when you take the time to BE. It's like rewiring yourself to be a more energy efficient model of you!

During Winter Soltice I take a least one whole day and evening to process the year that has been, to let go of twiggly danglers and to start getting signs for the next year. If you are just getting started, you can do Winter Soltice in 2009 with a few hours of BEING vs a few days - even two hours will start to give you the feel. We all have two hours to give to ourselves, and if you don't, please stop and ask yourself why not. How you end this year will be exactly how you live 2010, and taking care of you is the best thing you can do for everyone and everything in your life.

 

Winter Soltice / Power of PAUSE steps to get you started:

1. Pick a time when it will be just you, your thoughts and a journal by Dec 23. Everyone can do a minimum of 2 hours. If you can do more great, if not, give yourself the gift of 2 hours. No cell phones, computers, kids, texting. Just you. Paper and pen or markers, the old fashioned way is the best way to do this, as it connects things inside your brain and body. Go somewhere in your home that is quiet. Light a candle. And move to step 2.
2. REFLECT.  Play back 2009 in your head like a movie and see all that you have done, all of who you have become and all you have amassed. Literally close your eyes and imagine the last year visualizing in your mind. Then get that paper and pen and do a formal reflection process where you write out all of your surprise, successes, failures and learnings for the year. In the super power of PAUSE, I use a process called the Wheel of Reflection, taught to me by Pele Rouge and Firehawk. You can download it here. Also you can download an audio where I teach you how to use it.
   
3. Ask yourself the following questions, and write the answers out: 

• What do I want to leave behind in 2009?
• What do I want want to bring with me into 2010? (learnings, perspectives, wisdom, etc)
• What twiggly danglers do I want to clean up this year?
• What one quality do I have today, inside of me, that I didn't have at the beginning of the year? Acknowledge yourself for it and give yourself a big dose of self love for becoming an even better you.

Every year things change, and the specific energy for Solitce time shifts too. This Soltice according to wise woman Ariel Spilsbury offers every one of us a extra super dooper opportunity to let go of any of the patterns that have been holding us back from being our biggest, brightest selves. We all have patterns, ones that we have created in this lifetime and ones that have been passed down from generation to generation from our ancestors. Yes, like it or not, your mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc. give you both their best qualities and their 'shadow' qualities.

The great news is that this Soltice there is powerful energy available to burn up and let go of any familial patterns or personal patterns that no longer serve yo
u. So if you are into tapping into this mega power here's the three step process... (note: I am up to 8 releases so far, and I feel 1000 lbs lighter even after eating all those holiday cookies!)

1. Look at what single shadow you have carried in your life that is like a "curse" or "spell" that you have "been under", that you are truly ready to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ITS CREATION AND FULL RESPONSIBILTY FOR ITS RELEASE! What pattern has come down your family line that you have felt to be completely unable to be changed, so powerful was its "spell"?  Say it out loud or close your eyes and see it in your mind and heart. Close your eyes and see all the people in your family that have had that pattern too.
   
2.  Say out loud "I release the pattern of XXXX." Pause, and feel it releasing.
   
3. Take a vow that is the opposite of this negative pattern, a vow that will fill that void with a positive behavior or belief. Say out loud "I vow to .... " Pause and feel the new vow and pattern forming.
   
4. Write down both the curse/spell/pattern and the new vow/belief.  And give yourself a few minutes to just BE with the feelings of it. This is a critical part of the process. It allows you to INTEGRATE. So don't go right into moving. BE for at least 3-5 minutes.

 
For more information on the Super Power of PAUSE and how to keep using in to make 2010 a year that you live from self-love, success and happiness, visit http://www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause/

Don't be an OX in 2010! 

Just in case you didn't get the memo last January, Chinese astrology told us that 2009 was going to be the year of the OX. I remember reading about the OX, about how it meant hard, hard work, and I thought to myself, well how hard could hard really be? I don't know about you, but this year was FULL of hard work in every way, even for a recovering achievement junkie, professional do-er like me.

Like most achievers, each year is like a mountain for me. One that I set my sites on, imagine what the top will look like, and then go about doing whatever it takes to get to the top. And for the most part this serves me well. I accomplish a lot. I've reached some fantastic milestones. And most of you achievers I know can relate... most people are probably astounded by what you get done.  BUT, before we pat ourselves on the backs too long, I have to share with you a realization I had 6 years ago that brought me face to face with the importance of taking PAUSE. Before which I gave little value to being, and was quite addicted to doing.

So here is the AHA i had ... if every year is a mountain, and I spend the year climbing and climbing it, eventually reaching the top, when do I ever get to enjoy all the hard work I just did to get to the top? If I am always onto the next mountain, when do I get to relax? And hey, don't I deserve to set up camp for a while a take in the view... wouldn't that be the wise thing to do? If the Dali Lama climbed a mountain do you think he would just keep going, or would he pause, meditate, contemplate and become even more enlightened? I am sure he wouldn't do what I had been doing which was stopping for a moment, getting a quick breath in and then get moving again up the next mountain! What I learned when that AHA smacked me in the face was this...

• The wise achiever stops to take in the view, to get the lessons learned from busting our butt to get up this mountain, traveling through the crevices, plunging over ravines, and moving through gnarly rocks.
• The smart achiever notices what failures happened so she can avoid them the next year.
  
• The happy achiever stops and celebrates all of their successes, and even does a little mountain top dance. Knowing that it is this JOY that will fuel her forward into 2010. 

This wise, smart, happy achiever also looks in her backpack, knowing that she has a long journey ahead of her come 2010, and looks at what she wants to leave behind and what she wants to take with her onto her new mountain journey.

Think back over your In the past year, she -- you and I -- have become different, hopefully better people. We've learned to love ourselves more. We've become more patient, nurturing, confident, sovereign, focused, happy, open, insert your particular brand of growth... In the past year, you have become stronger as a person and a spirit, and that strength is something that you get to carry with you, or that actually now gets to carry you, for the rest of your life. Achievers are notorious for thinking they have to be the ones that carry all the weight... wise achievers let momentum carry them! 

Too often, we don't stop on the mountain top to recognize the parts of ourselves that have strengthened... the weaknesses that have diminished or transformed... the strengths that have become stronger. And so we don't get to use the momentum we've created to help us fuel are new year. It's way easier to measure our 'success' by $$, accolades or material things. And while these things are fantastic and to be celebrated they are things that get used up. And then you have to replenish them. But the inner parts of ourselves... when you build those, they are with you forever, and you can use them to propel yourself vs. having to be like an OX doing all the hard work!

This year take a PAUSE on your mountain top...  look back on 2009 and notice who you have become, acknowledge those parts of you that have grown and shifted, and make a conscious choice about bringing those parts into the new year with you.

Use this PAUSE exercise for a guide:

1. Close your eyes and take yourself back to the beginning of this year. See the person that you were then. What were you doing, how were you feeling, what were your beliefs, who were the people surrounding you?
2. Fast forward yourself month by month - Feb, March, April... all the way to today and notice what changes in you as you go through the challenges and triumphs of this past year. Notice your character, your connection, your strengths, your perspectives and understandings, your wisdom
3. Write down the words, sentences, feelings of what you have amassed inside of you in 2009, qualities, strengths, wisdom, etc. that you want to take with you into 2010. 
4. Acknowledge yourself for your growth. Give yourself a HIGH FIVE! And feel these pieces of you strongly in place, with you now for all of your life.

For more information on the super power of PAUSE, visit www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause

TWIGGLY DANGLER
i couldn't find a picture of one, so I will just have to define it here for you right now. the word comes from the imagination of my teacher Ariel Spilsbury. I think it's fairy language for any kind of bad ju ju or undealt with energy that you would rather sweep under the carpet but no matter how hard you sweep, or how hard you try to ignore it, you know that 'thing' is still there.

TWIGGLY DANGLER EXAMPLES
so maybe if i give you a few samples, that will help?

• that unpaid bill you haven't dealt with, 401k you haven't transferred, bank account with $5 in it you haven't closed... $$ twiggly danglers cut off your flow in 2010.
  
• that friendship, relative, co-work relationship that hit a bump sometime this year and that you haven't really straightened out. You haven't totally severed the relationship, but you are either not being straight, or you are avoiding them or the issue, or you are harboring negative energy. Let the bump between you go. Twiggly danglers in relationships stop love from coming in.
• that romantic relationship that ended but that you are still hanging onto. if you have this twiggly dangler in your heart, you can kiss great love from another goodbye in 2010. Let go of as much of that person you can - old clothes, letters, and dreams.
  
• that unsaid sentiment or feeling. whether its love or hurt, if you have unsaid words between you and another person in your life, say them. Directly, or indirectly. You can write a letter and never mail it. These unsaid words fester and keep truth and peace out of your life.

the truth about twiggly danglers is that there is NO self love present.... the energy feels yucky... and you feel lousy, guilty or drained. You'll have plenty of chances to create more in 2010, so starting the year clear and free can avoid the twiggly dangler pile up!

TWIGGLY DANGLER REMEDIES
i think that many people go from one year to the next with this twigglies because let's be honest, dealing with them is uncomfortable. Dealing with twiggly danglers head on can bring up all kinds of icky feelings none of us like - shame, rejection, loneliness, disappointment. Talk about not feeling self-love! But the truth is that self-love is on the other side, if we are willing to untangle the twigglies. So this year, before 2009 ends, meet your twiggly danglers head on, just don't do it in a super public way. No one said you had to splay your twigglies out there for all to see. If it's a bill you've been neglecting, pick it up and send them $10. If it's a friend you've had a falling out with, write them a letter telling them how you feel including how much you love them and are mad at them. You don't have to ever send it. If it's a relationship that has become like an addiction, make the vow to fall in love with yourself this coming year.

You deserve your best year yet this 2010! So take PAUSE and let those twiggly danglers go.

To learn more about the super power of PAUSE visit http://www.daretoliveyou.com/superpowerofpause/

  

Trade in Overwhelm for the Power of Pause

 

Every year, it's the same old drill isn't it. We start off with the best intentions, with gusto, resolved to reach our goals and make this 'the' year. But by February that gusto has been drained down by the overwhelm, pressure and realities of day-to-day life. Come October, we're wondering where the year went, and not feeling quite as successful as we had hoped we would when the year started. And then without warning, it's Thanksgiving, then December and a flurry of presents and parties. Before we know it Jan 1 has arrived, and with it the immense pressure to make this 'the' year. 

 

If you are a Type A person, you likely go into New Year's resolution and goal setting mode. If you are the Type B variety, you're likely more relaxed and avoid serious goal setting, stepping into the new year with faith that it will all work out. The truth is that neither of these strategies work. Type A or Type B, these approaches are insane. They keep you doing the same thing year after year expecting different results, which by definition is insanity.

I lived this way for most of my life. Born as a Type A, I began every year with a die-hard New Year's Resolution - quit smoking, lose 5 lbs, start jogging - that I was determined to meet, I never did. By my late 20s I realized that resolutions don't work, and I turned to another Type A tool - goal-setting. For the next three years I created elaborate spreadsheets with quarterly S.M.A.R.T. goals, just like my m.b.a. corporate training had taught me. With specific, measurable, actionable, relevant and timely goals success had to be imminent, right? Nope. Sure, I met some of my goals, but the only thing I saw when I looked at my massive spreadsheet was everything I hadn't accomplished. Another Type A, achiever quality, always more to do. What my goals did do was make me feel worse about myself.

 

Finally around the age of 33, I got smart, and decided to set aside my achievement junkie tools, and find out what people who were really living successful lives did. What I realized very quickly was that I had three big flaws in how I approached each year:

 

1.     I didn't stop to reflect on the year that had passed. I went right from one year into the next, without stopping to recognize all that had happened. I was living my life as if I was a mountain climber, arriving at the mountain top of each year, but not stopping to take in the view that I worked so hard to achieve. Instead, I just took a quick breath, and kept pushing up the next mountain, the next year, without celebrating my successes or learning from my failures. No wonder I was exhausted. No surprise that I never felt like I really accomplished what I wanted, all I could see was the next mountain.

·       Truth: In order to grow, we must stop, celebrate, reflect and learn at the end of every cycle

·       Action: Ask yourself four questions about this last year before Jan 1^st, and journal the answers: What were my Surprises? Successes? Failures? Learnings?

 

2.     I pressured myself to have my entire year mapped out by the first week of January. I had created timelines in my head that had to be met so I could get busy doing what needed doing. One week at the beginning of the year seemed reasonable. What I failed to realize was that I was working against nature. December is meant to be a time of slowing down and going inward, not running around like a maniac visiting people and shopping for presents. People and presents good, mania not. I should have started my year-end process way before Jan 1. I also learned that January is meant to be the 'dreaming time' because everything is frozen and still. It's a month long for a reason... to give us that long to dream our new year. And here I was trying to stuff 30 days into a week, such an over-achiever!

·       Truth. December is for reflecting. January is for dreaming and setting the intentions of what you will seed and grow in the coming year.

·       Action: Looking at the year ahead, ask yourself three questions, "What do I want to do? What do I want to have? And who do I want to become?"

 

3.     My head wrote my goals. Trained to think and live from my head, trained to think dreams were fluffy puffy events that happened when I slept, I wrote goals through the lense of what would drive my career, bank account and fitness level forward. I focused on the achievements I believed would bring me success, as I understood success then. What I failed to realize was that my understanding of success was extremely limited and that the real goal of it was only one thing: my happiness. And happiness didn't come from my head, it started in my heart, which is the place from which I would be better served to write my goals from. Yes, my mind is extremely valuable but it is only a tool to making my dreams realities. I had been starting in the wrong place.

·       Truth. Goals must start with the dreams we have for ourselves, which can only be found in our heart.

·       Action: Give your goals the 'energy litmus test.' Read them aloud to yourself or a friend and rate the energy and passion you feel behind it. If it's not at least a 9 or 10, rewrite it until it is. Example: It's the difference between "I will go to yoga three times a week. I will eat food that is good for me. I will lose 5 lbs." and "My Body is my Moving Temple." That is a real example from my 2009 intentions.

 

Each of these flaws can be boiled down to one thing: my previous failure to understand the power of PAUSE. I had been trained to hit the GO GO GO button all my life and while that made me a very good achiever, it also made me a very busy and exhausted woman that didn't always spend her energy, time and money on what was most important, and what truly had the power to accelerate my progress to my dreams... or bring me happiness on a daily basis.

 

What I learned was that PAUSE is like a super power, when we activate it, PAUSE accelerates our ability to make our dreams realities because it provides us with something we can't get when we are running through life as a frenzied, frazzled energizer bunny -- PAUSE gives us wisdom.  Alice Walker, Pulitzer prize winning author of the Color Purple said in a commencement address in 2002 , "Wisdom, however, requires a pause... it is the pause that gives us clarity...." And, if I look at this woman's life, witnessing her grace and her success on all accounts, I think to myself, the Pause has served her well, so I know it can serve me well too.

 

This December and January, I will be taking a set of PAUSEs, using a simple but powerful structure I created based on the wisdom I found during my last five PAUSE periods. I'm glad to report that there are no spreadsheets and that this process makes me feel great about ME at the end of the year, instead of pointing out my shortcomings. Now that doesn't mean that I am going to cut myself off from the world for two months. I still have plenty to do these months, but I will slow down and I will take big blocks of time to be with myself, my dreams and my thoughts. I invite you this December and January to activate your super power of PAUSE, to find a structure that works for you, one that allows you to reflect first and then expand, focus and energize your intentions for 2010.

 

Your Invited to Pause On December 17^th at 12pm PST.

I'm hosting a free PAUSE tele-call on Dec 17 where I will share and teach the ancient and super energizing system for RELFLECTING. It's the first step in creating a fantastic 2010. The time between December 21^st and December 25^th is the most powerful time of the month for reflecting, so set aside at least one day during that time to reflect. Register for the call by clicking here http://www.daretoliveyou.com/christine_events.htm#prepause

 

 

About Christine Arylo

Inspirational catalyst and self-love expert, Christine Arylo is a self-admitted, but recovering, achievement junkie and doing addict. A teacher, writer, coach, speaker, m.b.a., author, and conversation provocateur,  Christine has appeared on E! Entertainment, CBS, FOX and ABC and over 100 radio stations around the country. You can find her online at www.daretoliveyou.com or www.madlyinlovewithme.com, in person teaching her Feminine Super Powers to women and men, or at home with her partner Noah and their Husky Nanook.

Bears never feel guilty about staying home for the holidays, so why should we?

I was thinking again about those self-loving bears and how they spend the holidays. At home, in their cave, probably with a nice fire and some honey. And definitely without the guilt, obligation or pressure so many of us feel laden with at this holiday time.

In our day to day life, we do feel pressure to take care of everyone and everything else and at the holidays this feeling doesn't go away, it usually gets stronger. Whether it's making sure the holiday dinner is cooked perfectly, the holiday party is a smash success, cards are sent out on time, or we've bought presents for everyone so no one feels left out. As women we are naturally giving, and that is a feminine super power that we want to hold onto, for sure. But, sometimes we give so much to others, that we forget to give to ourselves. We put our self-love on hold, especially during the holidays.

Guilt. Stress. Obligation. Our lack of self love and over giving nature can show up in a million ways. Like maybe you don't really want to go visit Aunt Sally or spend the entire day with your husband's family or pack up everything and travel during this crazy holiday time. Maybe you just want to stay home and cook dinner for your close friends and family. Or maybe you want to go skiing in Tahoe or even spend the day doing absolutely nothing. Or maybe something totally different. But you don't feel like you can just say, "NO, I don't want to do 'that' I want to do 'this' instead. Or maybe you don't even feel like you know why you want, you just know it's not that.

We are usually so busy doing the holidays, that we never even pause to "How do I really want to spend the holidays?"

While it's hard to deny that not many of us would want to end up stuffed, cooked and on display on a dining room table today, like the fate of many millions of turkeys, after giving it much thought, I think that we can learn a thing or two about self love from our feathered friends. While, these big birds may have a shorter life expectancy than us homo sapiens, they've got it a heck of lot easier when it comes to loving the bird they are, just as they are:

It's crazy how often we spend way more effort and emotion than we need in order to reach our goals, organize our lives or 'do' all the things we have set out to do in a day, a week or a year.  We 'work' at it vs. 'creating' it. We 'make it happen' vs. 'let it happen.' We force our will and our agendas vs. listening to and using the energy of the moment, letting the universe do the heavy lifting for us. It's like choosing to walk up a mountain with 200lbs on our back vs. taking the sky cap up, giving us the ability to enjoy the view when we arrive as well as all the way up. While you might build some great calves and quadriceps from the heavy lifting approach, living your life this way means missing out on lots of the beauty, views and magic because you'll be too darn tired from working and pushing to enjoy what you've created.

Love Fact:
When we force and push ourselves, our agendas and others, we work harder not because of some valiant ideal that hard work makes us a better person. We force because we are afraid to trust. We push because we believe that once we attain that status, material thing, accomplishment, task, whatever, we will be happy, successful and enough. The truth is that you are enough right now, that you have nothing to prove, and that if you can stop pushing, you will actually create and draw to you what really makes you happy. Stop working so darn hard at your life, and start loving yourself for who you are today and what you've already created.

What you need:
1. a commitment to find your personal push
2. a physical awareness of how you feel when you push and when you let it happen
3. a willingness to trust

How to Find Your Personal Push & Let it Go
To succeed at this tip, you are going to amp up your awareness big time to the difference in how you feel when you are pushing vs. when you are working with the natural flow of things. We all have different types of pushes, but they all stem from a basic lack of belief that we are not enough right now or from a basic fear of being rejected, abandoned, or hurt.

Common personal pushes include:

• The Do It All Myself: as long I am busting my butt I am okay.
• The Grab For Whatever I Can Get: as long as I am busy I am okay.
• I Can Do More! I Can Do More!: as long as I get acknowledgement I am okay.
• Once I Get There I'll Be Good: as long as I keep working hard towards my goal, I am okay.
• And a whole lot more.  What's your Personal Push?

Actions

1. Make a commitment to find the Personal Push that's running your life right now.
2. Remind yourself each morning that you are on the look out for your Personal Push.
3. Throughout the day, as you find yourself feeling stressed, overwhelmed or pressured, notice how your body feels. If it feels tense, overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or really sluggish you are pushing. This is the first step of awareness.
4. Ask yourself the question, "What am I forcing? What am I trying to push?"
5. Listen to the answer. You have found your current Personal Push.
6. Ask yourself, "Why am I pushing this? What happens if I stop pushing?" What about that scares me, or makes me uncomfortable?"
7. Listen to the answer. You have found the fear behind the Push.
8. Release the fear using any one of these:

• Give Yourself Love On the Spot. Tell yourself, "I am enough right now." Say it til you believe it.
• Get Grateful. Make a list out loud of all that you have created already in your life and
• Change the Negative to Positive. Say out loud the exact opposite of the fear. For example, if your fear is that if you don't do this one thing, you won't make the money you want, say out loud, "I have all that I need right now. I am totally taken care of." Say it til you feel it.

To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

If you want to learn more about the power of being in the flow vs. pushing through your life, read the book Power vs. Force by David Hawkins.
If you want to learn more about your fears and what causes you to push, read the book The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso.




 

So often we go through the daily just going from task to task, totally not present to what's really going on just in that moment. It's like we are already on to the next thing before we have completed or enjoyed what we are doing right now. I think this is how why we have become human doing machines instead of being the human beings we were meant to be.

Love Fact: When you are really present in the exact moment you are in, you can find and feel total happiness and joy. Because there is nowhere else to go and no one better to be, you can just feel the goodness in the moment right now. This is how we start to remember that we are enough right now, in this moment. And that is a big self-love aha!

What you need:
1. a commitment to play the pause game for a specific amount of time, like one week
2. a memory that will turn on and remind you to pause (relax, we all have this covered!)

How the Pause Game Works:
At random times throughout the day, you will say the word "Pause" to yourself, and in that moment you will be absolutely present to whatever you are feeling, whoever you are being, and whatever is going on around you in that moment. In this moment, there is nothing to do, nowhere to go... all you have to do is BE.

Actions
1.  Make a commitment to how long you will play the game for. At least a week is recommended.
2.  Remind yourself each morning that you are playing the Pause Game.
3.  Throughout the day, at totally random times remember to call "PAUSE."
4.  When you brain remembers to say PAUSE, stop in your tracks.
5.  From this place of being, notice exactly how you feel. Stay in this place for a few minutes.  
6.  Notice what it feels like to be totally present, without anywhere to go and be.
7.  Remember the feeling.
8.  Go on about your day until the next time you call "PAUSE."
9.  Start the PAUSE sequence again from step #5.

To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

If you read the common definition of vulnerability in the dictionary, which is

"capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon,"

it's no wonder most of us skitter around vulnerability. No one in their right mind wants to be open to attack. And with a definition like this it's no wonder that we don't have the intimacy we really want in our relationships or with ourselves for that matter. We say we want intimacy with our mates, but most of us are totally unequipped to give it in return. Most people are not that great at vulnerability and for good reason. They have spent their lives learning they have to protect themselves. But the fact is, that if we really want to experience love, we have to be able and willing to be totally vulnerable. But not in the way our current dictionaries define it. We need to be vulnerable in the real meaning of the word, which actually exudes great strength and fortitude.

If you're like me and most of the women I've met in my journey of teaching and reading the principles of Choosing ME before WE, we could all use a redefined version of vulnerability. Here's my take on vulnerability. A new definition for today's 21st century woman, a woman who can be totally in love with herself and be totally available to share love with another. She is a woman who dares to be loved, because she can:




understands that to be vulnerable is not weak, but instead is one of the strongest powers she possesses.

can open herself to be seen so deeply at her most truest and innocent self, that she has the ability to fully receive love from another.

has the capacity to accept and give love freely, unafraid that anything can or will be taken away from her.

is unafraid to show the raw, real feelings that live inside her soul.

knows her expression of vulnerability can open the heart of another, inviting them to show their raw & real self.

always steps forward in love. Even if she knows she may get hurt, it's worth the risk. And with sovereignty on her side, she knows she will never give herself away.

is unafraid to cry, tell the truth, appear weak, or be wrong.

understands that she can't expect what she can't give.

understands that vulnerability is the key to intimacy.

is unafraid to ask for or show the way to her partner to create this vulnerability.

When I first did this dare about six years ago at one of the first spiritual-pooloza-like conventions I attended - five days in the Palm Springs desert with some of the most influential and masterful spiritual teachers of the 21st century - I admit that I was VERY uncomfortable. "You want me to hold hands with a stranger, touch my knees to their knees and stare into their eyes for 5 minutes? Have you lost your mind? Have I????" That was indeed the inner dialogue going on inside my head. My heart was having her own internal conversation too, sweating bullets, scared to death of the kind of emotional intensity she could feel coming. Luckily, my spiritual warrior, the one who has continually had the courage to face growth experience after growth experience, had the strongest voice this day. I call this part of me Arylo, she is my most enlightened, courageous self and although she may feel fear she never lets it stop us.

So on this day, as the facilitator of the workshop said, "Find a partner, someone you don't know, and then turn your chairs towards each other," Arylo spoke loudly to me saying, "Let's try this. The worst thing that could happen is that we will die, and they usually don't kill people off at these spiritual-pooloza-like conventions, bad press!"  So we found a partner, held hands and touched knees with her, and began the staring process.

As the first few seconds clicked away, I found myself wanting to let this person in. I started letting go of some of layers of armor around my heart - not all of them mind you, but more than had ever been let down to a stranger before. I also found myself wanting to see her, and to have her feel me seeing her. As the minutes ticked, I could feel her letting me in. For five minutes we did this dance, and when the bell rang to let go, I found that I could have stayed there for a much longer time. I felt exhilarated and free. I became a Love Stare junkie, repeating the exercise time and time again with anyone who would let me. And now here I am, daring you to do the same.  I dare you to do the Love Stare and let more love in to your heart and soul!





the LOVE STARE SEQUENCE:

1. Get a partner. Find a person who's older than a baby and has less than four limbs to do this with. Babies, toddlers and doggies don't count. No risk there.
2. Set the purpose. Explain to them what the Love Stare is and why you are doing it.
3. Set the time. Agree to a time period to try it out. Set timer. Minimum 4 minutes the first time.
4. Assume the Love Stare Position. Sit facing each other, knees touching, hands holding, staring into each other's eyes.
5. Do the Love Stare. Your job is to both see the other person and let yourself be seen.
6. Stay & Feel It. When the timer goes off, don't immediately let go. Actually stay connected and feel what happened.
7. Thank You.  Say "Thank You" to each other. Hug even!
8. Share. Talk about what you both experienced, both in giving and receiving during the 4 minutes.
9. Repeat Often.  

the LOVE STARE NO NOs
avoid these no nos so that you keep the love in that you just spent 4 minutes generating.

• Smiling okay, laughing not.  Don't use the giggles to dissipate the energy between the two of you. Laughing can be a way to keep the love from coming in.
• Don't apologize or say anything negative about yourself post stare. Just say thank you and talk about what you experienced. Negative thoughts are also a way to shove love out.
• Don't stand up and disconnect right after the four minutes is up. It will cause a break in the energy. Stay connected and challenge yourself to stay with the vulnerability.
• Don't worry about what the other person is thinking while you are doing the love stare. Just stay focused on giving and receiving love. They're experience is not your responsibility.

Now get going and get that Love Stare started!  Maybe you can even have a Love Stare party ☺


To get more love dares, download a free copy of the Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Two months ago I had a moment. You know one of those moments when you have just had enough. Frustration. Exasperation. A realization that enough is enough and it's time to make a change. After 38 years of walking around this earth with negative thoughts in my head or spewing out of my mouth I decided that I had had it. I was over this negative crud and what it was doing to me. In that moment I knew there was only one thing to do, give it up. And within 10 seconds I had uttered eight words that completely changed my life. Those words were: "I give up ALL negative thinking and talking."

I can still remember the moment, dressed in my Lululemon yoga clothes, I had this visceral experience that felt like waves echoing around me, sending out the sonar that shift was afoot and a new sheriff was in town.

Moments before I had just finished a very harsh mental workout, the kind that used to take place in my head, and that consisted of me beating myself with dumbbells for how much I sucked... or kept me spinning in my head like in a spin class to nowhere, unable to gain any traction. Beaten down, I was just about ready to strip myself down completely and throw myself into what I call 'the muddy, all-consuming pool of suffering' aka the black hole of self-love, void of all self-love. But then something stopped me from flailing my body and soul into that nasty and all too familiar pool. Maybe it was the books I had been reading by authors like Napoleon Hill or Jack Canfield. Or the zillion interviews I had listened over the weeks prior given by successful people (really successful, which to me means spiritually, physically, emotionally and financially). Whatever finally clicked I stopped myself from a pattern that I had repeated over and over again in various ways my whole life... and said NO MORE! I give up ALL negative thinking and talking.

It's been two months, and I have to say giving up the negative thinking and talking addiction has changed my life. I am happier. I have more energy. Fantastic opportunities are coming my way that I could never have imagined. My life feels full, not busy. I am enjoying my life more, the one I am having right now. Situations that before would have caused me to spin, judge myself, over analyze, paralyze, whatever unproductive waste of energy I was engaged in, have become ways for me to love myself vs. hurt myself. If that sounds like something you could use too, I dare you to say those same 8 words and stick to it. You CAN change your entire life... in just 8 words.

• I only say nice things about myself. If there is something I don't like, I love myself through it. I admit I don't like it and then ask myself, "How can I change it. I focus on making ME the person I want to become.
• If I say something mean about me, I don't criticize myself for saying something mean (that's double negative thinking!). I notice it, realize that I am learning, and I choose different words.
• I make everything in my life as an opportunity to learn, realizing that no one but me asked me to be perfect and that is just plain ridiculous. I smile at being ridiculous.
• I don't compare myself to anyone else.
• I don't judge other people. If there is something in them I don't like, I ask "What is it about me that I don't really?" Then love that part of you.
• I don't gossip.
• If I don't have something nice to say about someone, I say nothing.
• I abstain from taking in any negative energy. I avoid negative news, conversations and people.
• I am not a pie in the sky Pollyanna. I am realistically optimistic woman who understands that my thoughts, words and actions create my reality (and I'd prefer a great one)

• Get A Freedom Buddy. Take the vow to be free from negative talk and thought with a friend, your partner, your daughter, your dog... someone that can be there to be a lifeline for you when you stumble and who can laugh with you along the way.
• Be Super Aware. Notice your energy every time you have a negative thought. What does your body feel like? Notice the energy coming out of your mouth when you have negative talk. What does it feel like, smell like, look like? Words and thoughts are energy. I guarantee once you start tapping into the toxicity of negative ones and their affect on you, you'll want to stop.
• Start and Do a Daily Practice. Mediate, chant, go for walks in nature, anything that boosts your energy fields up, that gets you out of just your head and into your heart and body. Any spiritual teacher will tell you, a daily practice is a must have. You can't afford not to take the time to have one. Your life depends on it.
• Be Super Aware of Success & Get Witnessed. Notice the changes that start to occur, because they will. Talk about your insights, successes, and shifts with your freedom buddy. Find others who have freed themselves or are in process and share with them. Being witnessed in this shift is hugely important.  

Inspiring Resources... we were never meant to take this journey alone, so give yourself some self-love and check out there inspiring books and teachers who can really help you give up that negative talk and thought for good.

Napoleon Hill -  Think and Grow Rich, 21st Century
Jack Canfield - The Secrets of Success


And for more ideas and dares on how to fall more in love with yourself, get your Free Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Zany, yet proven,
Love Tip #21:
Date Yourself

Some people say they date or marry their best friend. What if that person was best friend #2, and you were best friend #1?

Love Fact: The fastest way to becoming your own best friend is to spend time with her, lots of it.  You'll learn more about yourself than you ever knew.

What you need:
1. ideas for dates, things that you would really love to do
2. a willingness to do them alone, even if that means people stare at you, feel sorry for you or put their weirdo judgments on you
3. a force field against such people (listen if you are eating alone at a spendy romantic restaurant out of choice, who cares what they think!)

The actions:
First steps:
1. Make a list of 10 places you want to go, activities you want to try, events you want to attend over the next 6 months.
2. Pick three to start with - one that's easy, one that's exciting, and one that seems a little scary or weird to do on your own.
3. Schedule the actual dates with yourself and put them on the calendar.

Pre Dates:
4. Take any action required to make the date happen, just like a good date would.

Day of Dates:
5. Prepare for the date like you would if someone was picking you up. Look your best. Feel your best. Dance around your living room.
6. Be with yourself completely. Not on the blackberry, cell phone or computer. Treat yourself like you would expect a date to treat you. How would you feel if they started texting during dinner?
7. Talk to yourself, out loud or silently. Notice what you like, dislike. Smile at your quirks.
8. Do the little things that are going to make you happy. Buy dessert and share it with yourself. Pay extra for a better seat.

Post Dates:
9. Come home, put your favorite jammies on, make some tea and turn on some soul happy music. (recommended India Arie)
10. Journal about your date. What did you love? What did you learn?
11. Go to sleep happy knowing that you really are a fantastic woman!


Tip testimonial:
I actually went out on a date with myself today like you suggested in your book.  It did feel awkward but I will get the hang of it the more I do it... it is the best therapy I have ever received!   -- Val


For more great ideas on how to fall even more in love with yourself, get a free Madly in Love with ME Kit at http://madlyinlovewithme.com

It all came to me at a café on Friday when I decided to sit down with my notebook and journal my own journey of falling in love with Christine. I wanted to know, How did I do it? At what point did I know? And where am I at on this journey?

I totally expected to start the documentation of my self-love journey at the age of 30. After all that was the age at which I realized, due to the life changing events that followed my broken engagement, that I didn't really love me at all. But instead when I put pen to paper, I found myself traveling back in time to when I was a really little girl, like being five, then being 7, and then 10. It was like seeing myself through a looking glass, observing me, this little girl.

What I saw through the piles of stuffed animals, love of drawing and penchant for collecting everything, was her innocence, her happiness and her wonder of the magic of the world. I could literally see and feel what she felt and saw in her, in my, experience of the world. That's when the revelation hit me. OMG, I was born in love with myself, and in love with the world. I had it, I felt it, I was it. It was totally something that I came in with... but then something shifted. I began to see myself somewhere around the age of 11 when that beautiful love was cracked and shattered...  it began to be stolen away by people and situations that hurt me, chunks of love taken away, leaving these gaping holes inside me that I wouldn't go back to fill until the age of 30.

So first, I was mad! I had it, the self-love, totally and 100%. I really did love me. I really did love the world and everything in it. And then people hurt me... and with their actions, they stole my love. And if that was true for me, it was true for every person. We were all stealing each others self-love!  

And then I was sad! Wow, 19 years of living without that complete love of ME. I still was hugely successful without it - college, career, material stuff, so I lived totally oblivious to the fact that I was missing anything. It was like my own personal version of the Dark Ages. I saw clearly the events that had taken place, which had caused me to start building a force field around my heart... that layer upon layer had created an armor that not even I could penetrate. I saw how because I had felt unprotected, I had learned to protect myself. And I saw clearly that protection had kept me from having the unconditional love I craved... for myself, and with someone else for a long, long time.

And then I was excited! If this was all true, which I knew it to be, than what this all really meant was... I didn't have to learn to be in love with myself, I had to remember how to be in love with ME. And I started to see that how the choice at the age of 30 to put massive amounts of time and energy into healing those holes created by the love stealers and into taking down the armor and learning to let myself be loved, had in fact been the exact path that had gotten me to the first time in my life in which I could honestly say, I do really love me, and I did.

And if it was possible for me... it is possible for everyone.



If you want to fall even more in love with YOU, you can visit the self-love site I started called Madly in Love with ME.  You can download for free the Madly in Love with ME Guide, full of zany, yet proven, Love Tips, Love Adventures and Love Inspirations.  www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Love Dare #3: 
Make A ME-Love Map
know your personal journey of self-love

TRUTH
Did you know that you were born totally and 100% in love with yourself? That's right, love was oozing out of you, everywhere. You were walking, talking love. And you lived this way for some period of time - how long differs for all of us. But the thing that is the same for all of us unfortunately, is that at some point that love time ended. And it ended because a love stealer found you and put a crack in your self-love. That initial crack opened the space for more love stealers to come in and before you knew it, the spaces inside you that used to be pure love were full of gaping holes.

Love stealers come in all forms - parents, siblings, kids on the playground, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends - and unfortunately they attack every one of us. Which means that the love stealers who caused your wounds had wounds of their own caused by other love stealers - and it's those wounds that cause them to hurt us. It's a crazy love stealing circle!

The only way out of this circle is to go back and fill in all those holes with love, your love for you. Most of us don't figure this out until we are older - fortunately it's never too late to fill yourself back up with love.


DARE:  Make A ME-Love Map. Take a trip back through your entire life and map out your real self-love journey.

To make a ME-Love Map take an adventure back throughout your entire life - from when you were the littlest person full of innocence and love... to the moments when the love stealers showed up... to the protection and armor you built in response... to the journeys you've taken to heal and fill up your wounds with love... to the person you are today. Journal that adventure - write it, draw it, paint it, do a combination of any of this just make sure you document it. And then go back and find your own personal revelations. What do you see?

ME LOVE MAP starter tips:

1. Set some time aside to take this journey. Bring supplies with you like pens, pencils, computers, paper, notebook. Make it only you time. Give yourself at least 1-2 hours.
2. The Beginning. Start with who you were as a little ME. Write or draw who you were, what you loved, what you saw. Tap into the magic that was you when you could still feel the innocence.
3. The Love Stealers. Start to let the love stealers back in, remembering the events that caused the holes to form. Actually draw these events as holes on your map.
4. Building the armor. How did those events make you feel - write down those emotions. What did you do in response to these love stealers and holes? Sketch out the armor that you built around yourself and your heart.
5. The Dark Ages. How long of a period did you spend between the time your armor was in tact and before you started letting real love in again?
6. The Awakening. When did you start to crack open the armor to let love it? What did you do to crack it open.
7. The Healing. What did you do to heal the holes? Pour love in?
8. Today. Where are you today?

Once you've finished your ME Love Map, ask yourself these questions?
1.    What parts of you are you remembering to love again?
2.    What parts of the little ME do I want to bring forward into the now ME?
3.    What is the AHA for me here?



If you are ready to fall even more in love with YOU, then visit the #1 self-love site this side of the internet and get your free Madly in Love with ME Guide, full of zany, yet proven, Love Tips, Love Adventures and Love Inspirations.  http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Zany, yet proven
Love Tip #18:  The Self-Love Serenade
Inspired by Amy from California

"On the way home from work, I started discussing (with myself) all the reasons I love Amy.  It was not exactly the same as the repetition, but saying all the reasons out loud felt great. By the end of my drive I was in tears. I realized that no other person I encounter in this life will ever be able to know or love all of me, not all of my years or stories or scars.  Not one other person will be able to appreciate everything it's taken to become exactly who I am right now. I found hundreds of reasons to love myself, and the only person who really could know them all or even NEEDS to know them all - is me.  It was a very powerful and  pivotal moment, completely shifting my beliefs about loving myself - I realized I was just scratching the surface."  -- Amy

The Self-Love Serenade:
It may sound a little crazy, but it's guaranteed to bring you love...


Love Fact: You've gotta know and own what you love about you!

What you need:
1. 30 minutes free from all other distractions
2. 30 minutes alone

The action:
1. Turn off all electronic devices - that means for real off.
2. Tell everyone else to go away - so take a walk, a drive, a bath, just do it alone
3. Start a conversation with yourself by saying, "Hi <insert name>. I am dying to know what you love about me. Can we talk?"
4. Begin saying out loud all the reasons you love you. "I love me because..." or "What I love about me is..." Say it, proclaim it, even sing it. 
5. Keep saying what you love about you until you feel some kind of breakthrough - you cry, your heart opens up, you laugh, something that indicates you are letting the love in.
6. Stop and let the love in. Feel how much you really do love you, and feel how much that love has to start with you.


If you are ready to fall even more in love with YOU, then visit the #1 self-love site this side of the internet and get your free Madly in Love with ME Guide, full of zany, yet proven, Love Tips, Love Adventures and Love Inspirations.  www.madlyinlovewithme.com
 

TRUTH: 
The first step in loving ME is knowing ME... and while it sounds crazy that it's possible to not know ourselves, most of us really don't.

Yes, most of us have some idea of who we are. We've taken a personality test at work... we've done some soul searching... we know our astrological sun sign... and we've been working long enough to know our strengths and 'weaknesses', but truly knowing ME beyond the image, the fears and the societal pressures takes more than that. It takes a conscious choice to actually say, "You know what, I am going to get off this crazy treadmill called life, where everyone is running around trying to get to the next job, house, etc. and I am going to find out what I really want from my life... and to do that I need to first understand who I really am!"  And it takes help from people who can help you peel away of the layers of images, masks and yuck that aren't you.

I have worked with lots of women to help them find their REAL ME ... I've spent years finding my own REAL ME... and what I can tell you is that knowing ME happens on at least three levels, probably more. But let's start with two this week, and next week we will cover the third:

LEVEL ONE:  Who are you NOT? The gremlins or the mean girl in your head.
 

Before we wake up and live on what I call 'self awareness mode' vs. autopilot, we are driven by our fears, defense patterns and belief systems -- all yucked up stuff that has nothing to do with who we really are, in fact they keep us from the REAL ME. They are the voices in your head that tell you that you can't, the defenses that push people and good situations away, and if you don't know what yours are, they will silently run your life. How do you find them? Check out the Dare #1 below to get started identifying and redeploying your Gremlin Crew.


LEVEL TWO:  Who are you NOT? The baggage you were handed but that you don't have to keep carrying.

Obligations, shoulds, musts... all those hard, heavy bags that we pick up from society, relatives and the media. They tell us what we should do, who we should be, how we have to act and they are full of heavy emotions like guilt, self doubt, and overwhelm. But you know what? Yes, we've all been handed these bags along the path of our life, AND no one is making us continue to carry them. We choose to carry them and the are H-E-A-V-Y! So heavy, that they keep us from seeing the real me. Women have been carrying these bags for centuries, so it's no wonder we have things like guilt programmed into our DNA... but we can no longer afford to carry these heavy bags around. How do you start kicking them to the curb (or to the recylcing bin?) Read Dare #2 and get started!



DARES:  take one, take two-- what do you have to lose?

Dare #1: Have a Face Off With Your Inner Mean Girl
You know that voice in your head that loves to tell you what you did wrong, what you should have done or how you will never be good enough? Some call it the inner critic. I call her your inner mean girl, and as my friend and host of the Women's Master Series Amy Ahlers says, this girl loves to tell Big Fat Lies! My mean girl is named Mean Patty and she has red pigtails and freckles. What does your mean girl look like? What is her name? What are the lies she tells you? Write that all down. Draw a picture. And then have a Mean Girl Face Off. I want you to literally talk to her and tell her that she needs to knock it off! Give her a new job. Ask her to say the opposite of the mean big lie. And tell her to give you a break!

Dare #2:  Give up Guilt.
Guilt is a totally useless emotion - as least as far as we use it as women to beat ourselves up. I dare you to give up guilt... and to do it by stopping the obligations, the shoulds and the could haves. Don't take the guilt from other people - if they try to guilt you, name it and call them on it. If you find yourself wallowing in the guilt, notice how it makes you feel and what it is actually helping you accomplish. And then ask yourself in that moment - what do i WANT to do right now? And then do it.


Have a great week getting to know YOU even better by getting rid of all the junk that's not you - remember this self love stuff is a fun adventure you get to take, not that you have to take. Enjoy loving you more and more every day!

Notes from the Self-Love Train...
Inspiration From My Portland Trip


This past Sunday I spent four hours with 12 women in Portland, Oregon -- the first ever Choosing ME before WE Book Club Chat. I anticipated that it would be an afternoon well spent, what I got was so much more. Of course there was wine, cheese, and conversation... but there was also laughter, tears and healing. I knew we would laugh and share stories, that is what we do when we get together as women, right? But what struck me most, what always strikes me most when I sit with a group of women, is the deep healing that can come when two or more of us get together and just witness each others truth. We didn't have to solve each others problems, we didn't have to figure anything out, we just had to sit there and listen, through the tears and the honest to goodness, damn-straight truth, and give witness to this and this woman's story, who of course was so similar to my own. Our stories are really not so different - different men, women and details, but the underpining storyline - same.

Although we talked about so much that day, the one thing that really struck my heart was the story of "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself" that I heard over and over again - different details, same story. And it reminded me of how many times I have faced that myself... and how the only way through it was through it, with love for myself.

ME LOVE MESSAGE TO SELF:   I FORGIVE YOU!

There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. I know for me, it took me only a year to forgive my ex-person - who was a real jerk to me -- and it took me 5 years to forgive myself. 5 years to forgive ME for putting myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, for compromising what I really wanted to keep him in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing him, for begging this man to love me, for loving a man even after he spit in my face, for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.

When I heard these same stories - different details - in Portland, it reminded me how important it is for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them, -- especially when it's in front of other women -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! What a load is lifted and WOW! how much more free she is!

Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admiting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side. So I guess in a way there is a magic pill - self-love. And there is a magic pathway -- doing it with other women as witnesses, because every time we show our pain, let it go and let the love in, we do the same for the women watching.

One book that really helped me was little book called The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello. That book saved my life. Check it out... http://tinyurl.com/mstpdt

And another that I found years later that has great stuff is Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.  And just cuz i like threes, you can also find some great ideas for amping that ME-Love affair up by downloading the free Madly in Love with ME Guide at http://www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
Building a strong relationship with my mom has always been a big part of my life. She is my best friend and confidant. We have always been close, but as I am getting older in my 20s we have an even stronger bond. Our conversations are about anything and everything. We talk about our problems with significant others, issues we are having at work, and relationships with other women in our lives. I find my mom is very real and honest with me all of the time. She is the person I can trust who will give me the most real advice. She provides advice I don't always like to hear, but know she is right in the long run.

To maintain a strong relationship with my mom, I find I am sharing more details about my personal relationships with her. I tell her about the great times I have with my boyfriend and she laughs with me.  But I know I can also tell her about the hard times I have with him. She listens and points out when I am wrong. At first, I tend to get angry with her for not 'listening' to my point of view on the situation, but then I take time to reflect and realize she tells me these things because she loves me and knows me best. It takes a lot of trust to have these conversations with her, but I know she always has my best interest in mind.

I have also been making a greater effort to make plans with my mom. I make plans to see her at least once every two weeks. I find when we are together in person, our conversations are deeper and more real. One of my favorite things to do with my mom is go for a long walk. We walk the trails near her house or down on the lake.  During our walks, we talk about life. I find we connect on a different level when we are together. Some of my favorite memories with her are the trips we have taken together. We have laughed, cried, and get up set with one another, but at the end of the day, we always know we are there for each other. I feel blessed my mom and I are so close. It is a part of my life I love and sharing my life with her has been a great gift!.


Jenn, age 36, says:

About four years ago my 92-year old grandfather had a heart attack and my mother moved in with him to take care of him (until he passed away a two months later).  I flew from San Diego to Pennsylvania to spend 11 days with them.  I helped prepare meals, assisted and entertained my grandfather, and housecleaned at night while he slept.  I was pleased to be able to have the time with him.  What I didn't realize was that this experience would be the first time I would switch roles from child to adult, and nurturee to nurturer, in my family. 

Since I was there, my mother was able to get away for a couple days with my father and have a desperately needed respite from the stressful situation.  I was terrified by the responsibility but knew it was the right thing to do.  I would creep into my grandfather's bedroom at night to make sure he was still breathing. 

My grandfather loved the time with me.  My mother was incredibly grateful and I could feel that her perspective on me had shifted.  We hugged and cried and hugged some more when she dropped me off at the airport.  I felt a new sort of pride in myself in my ability to handle uncomfortable and scary responsibilities.

Since that time, I've paid attention to being more present with my mother when we talk on the phone, instead of multitasking.  I'm also much more likely to share my personal growth experiences, even when they are difficult issues or topics around which I may feel particularly uncomfortable with my family (e.g., finances or my organizational struggles).  It keeps us closer over the long distance, and allows her a role as a large and vital part of my life.  The experience with my grandfather was empowering for me in my role in my family, and I cherish how my mother and I can continue to both nurture each other.

Dr. Jenn is the founder of Dr. Jenns Den at http://www.drjennsden.com/

Shelley, age 50-something, says:

The biggest thing I can say I have done with regards to changing myself so I could create a better relationship with my mother was to grow up. It's so very easy to fall back into habits from our youth when we are around our relatives, isn't it? I'm sure I'm not the only person who has attended a family gathering and suddenly reverted back to the age of 12 or younger! Why is that?  Family, whatever that looks like for us, is the place where we were probably our most vulnerable, especially if we stayed in the family unit until becoming a young adult. They, the family, know everything about you! At least that's how you might feel at first glance.

Once I was married and on my own, I realized that I was a grown up and started to react to talks with my mother from the place of being an equal. Although, obviously my mother will always be the elder in the relationship, I noticed as I gained more life experience, I was able to shift the way in which I communicated with her. Instead of child to mother, it became woman to woman. This didn't happen over night! I also learned over time to stand in my own power and not let her push my buttons, as it were. Bringing up old family history or trying to manipulate the conversation so that I felt like a 3 year old certainly challenged my belief at times in my self worth.

I think it's natural to reach out to your mother for comfort and support. I found that by reaching out to other people in my life for those things, I didn't have to rely solely on my mother for that. I guess the answer is that I learned to love myself and not to depend on my mother or anyone outside of me for my happiness. Each time I speak to her from the place of my own knowing of who I am in the present moment (and not in the past of my childhood), our conversations are deeper and more profound and I walk away with my power intact.
 

Shelley Anderson is a celebrity personal assistant, and the author of the book and blog http://www.dealingwithdivas.com

Okay, I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth... settling in our relationships is stupid, and after spending a week talking about it on the radio, coaching on it with clients, counseling it to friends thinking of leaving their husbands, and remembering the years I myself settled, I have to just say it out loud for everyone to hear, "Let's all get this one statement straight in our heads and hearts, Settling is a dumb choice, don't do it!"

And okay, I get that just because it's dumb, doesn't stop us from settling. I know that better than most because I did it for 15 years. And I'm not alone, we've all settled at some point in our relationship. If you say you haven't, please write me a note because I want to know who your parents were so I can send them a gold star!

So the why... as far as I can deduce from my own escapades as well as those of my friends and clients, here are two common reasons why we settle:

1. We are too afraid to leave the relationship and ask for more. Instead we brainwash and bargain with ourselves. I call it Love Poker, in which we keep dealing and playing, staying in the relationship and the game, hoping that we will win back our chips, that we will get whatever we feel we are missing. We are too afraid to fold and walk away from the table, to end the relationship, so instead, we convince ourselves of crazy thoughts like, "Well, he's not always so bad" and "Maybe I am the crazy one to want these things. Maybe I am being unreasonable." We brainwash ourselves! Sure if you are harping on your mate cuz he's not the perfect housekeeper or the biggest breadwinner, then yes, get over yourself. But if you aren't getting the partnership, unconditional love and respect your heart and soul crave, "You deserve to have it, Period! Stop settling."

2. We are on the escalator to death.  We are on a mission to get to that next life stage -- marriage, babies, big house -- no matter who we have to settle for to get there. Our focus becomes on attaining the 'thing' vs. actually stopping and asking ourselves why it's really not showing up in our lives, and being real about whether it's actually what we want, or if we've fallen prey to the brainwashing of society that until we have it, we won't be happy. I've been there myself. When I turned 30, it was time to get married. I demanded an engagement and a ring. I got it, only to be broken up with six months later. It would have been a heck of lot less painful if I had just been honest that I was trying to marry this guy for all the wrong reasons, including beating my friends to the altar. It's demented, but it's true, and I know I am not the only one.

Which is what compelled me to start a life long love affair with me so that I could stop settling in love by learning to love ME first. After I got that straight in my head, love from another literally showed up on my doorstep when I wasn't expecting it in the form of a 6 foot 3 inch bald guy named Noah. What did I 'do' to make that happen? What can you do to make sure you don't settle in love? People always ask me this question, and while there are many layers to this, it all starts with two ME-Vows you have to make to you.

Vow #1.  I promise not to settle for less than my heart and soul - not my pocketbook, fear, ego, or parents -- really desire. I honor and respect myself so deeply that I only have relationships that do the same.

Vow #2. I promise to be honest with myself, always. Uncompromising, unwavering honesty, about my motivations, my actions and my reality. When I can't be honest, I will seek out people who can help me find Truth, and listen.

Not settling is a promise and a practice. It's something that you have to commit to and choose whenever the option to waver comes up. Here's what I tell myself whenever it seems hard or confusing... Remember that you were given a great gift, your life. Do you want to live it fully and be so happy that joy is streaming out of your ears, or do you want to struggle and suffer because you were too afraid to go after what your heart and soul craved and desired? Choose to live. It's not that life is too short - it's that life is too magical, fabulous and precious!

If you want that great love and partnership, be willing to be that love and partner yourself first, and then accept nothing less from another.

To start your ME-love affair today, visit http://madlyinlovewithme.com for a FREE self-love starter kit.

 

All week long I have been talking with clients and friends and having fits of deja vu -- flashbacks of what it was like for me when I was in a relationship with a man that I SO wanted to love me... who on some occassions was able to give me the unconditional love I craved... but who on so many more days couldn't and wouldn't. In fact he would mostly do the opposite - yelling, fighting, ignoring me, telling me how F'd up I was. But yet I stayed for 15 years, waiting for the day when he would finally love ME, that he would finally be the loving partner more than the emotionally unavailable or verbally abusive mate he was 90% of the time.

After our relationship ended, which led me to loads of therapy and self-discovery, I came to realize this phenomenon as the 'BLIP EFFECT", which is when we let the small joys and moments of unconditional love make up for all the crappy times, loneliness, and struggle. It's  what kept me trapped in a relationship that wasn't much different in year 15 than it was in month six - dysfunctional and unhealthy. And it's what kept all the friends and clients I've talked with over the years trapped too.

So why do we stay in these relationships that don't give us the connection, intimacy and support we so crave? Why do we get amnesia and forget about all the 'bad' stuff as soon as Mr. Nice Guy shows up? Two reasons:

1. We get love mixed up with a reason to be in or stay in a relationship believing that  we only end relationships when we fall out of love. And that is just one big lie. The truth is that we don't fall out of love, we fall out of intimacy, trust and respect. Once you love someone you will always love that person. Unfortunately most of us push our relationships to the point of drama, deceit and devastation so we end up hating and hurting the person, thinking we don't love them anymore, when in fact the love is lurking right beneath the surface.
   
2. We are afraid to be 'alone.' We get 'alone' mixed up with 'being lonely' and the truth is that there is no place lonelier than being in  a relationship in which you don't get the unconditional love, support, trust, respect and intimacy you crave. It's way lonelier than being single. In fact when we do choose to end a relationship and go it alone, what we find, and what I found, was that there was a whole lot of love just waiting for me. I found that love inside myself, I received it from my friends and I got boatloads from the wonderful healers and spiritual communities that welcomed me in.So much more than I ever got from my ex-person.
   

There is a simple truth that we all need to embrace into our lives -- we have relationships because they make our lives and who we are better. If they don't make our lives better -- and I am not talking financially or materially here -- then there is NO need to have them. We are better off without them. That is self-love.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 38
I have always wanted to have a very real conversation about her life experiences when she was in her 20s. My mom has taught me to live with no regrets, but I want to hear about what she would have done differently and when she had the best times. I would love to know what her advice would be to herself in her 20s. We have talked about her college experience and the way she lived her life, but I want to know how decisions she made in her 20s have shaped her life 30 years later. She is my best friend and confidant, and I know her 20s were filled with many ups and downs because of the way she talks about that time of her life. I want to know what moments in her life were difficult for her and how it shaped her. My mom has so much strength and hearing about her life experience gives me an insight as to how her life has taken shape.

I find my 20s have been filled with many challenges that I couldn't anticipate which make life even more fun! Some have been easier than others to get through, but my mom has always been there with sound advice to help me. She doesn't have to reference a specific time of her 20s, but I think her advice stems from her experience. When I am having a tough time with my brothers, she talks to me about her relationships with her brothers during that time of her life. The wisdom she shares is invaluable to me.

Another questions I haven't asked my mom is how she became such a great parent. I would love to know what life experiences have helped to shape her parenting skills. As a stay at home mom, she has raised 4 children with strong values, opinions, and independence. My brothers and I know we can always call her to talk about anything. My mom taught us how to walk with our heads high and stay true to ourselves. My childhood was filled with great memories of being with her at home, running errands, and great vacations. She really did it all for us and made sure we all happy. I admire the way my mom has always stayed true to herself. She is always following her dreams; because of her I have always followed mine.



Jenn, age 36, says:

I am very grateful that I have a close relationship with my mother (who lives in PA). I share a lot with her, am authentic, and ask the questions that are valuable to know.  And with the recent passing of my grandmother, my mother and I have had even more deep conversations about family, death, beliefs, and purpose. 

My parents are incredibly supportive of my unique work in the field of sex education and intimacy counseling.  Even when I started a women's sex toy company a few years ago, my mom took it in stride and asked if I offered a senior citizen discount for her and my dad (which, incidentally, she thought was hysterical, while it made me cringe ☺).

My mom means the world to me.Three years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a month later underwent a double mastectomy. It was such a terrifying experience, but remarkably she kept an amazing positive attitude throughout and continues to be healthy and thrive.  We are always learning from each other, sharing our successes and crying over the fearful aspects of life.  My biggest fear is losing my mother. I don't know that my mother knows that. 

It's important to me to not compartmentalize my life and not have different facades depending on whether I'm interacting with friends, clients, lovers, family, or students. My career is my passion. My life is my passion. I wear my emotions and vulnerabilities on my sleeve. I never want to feel that I have to hide certain aspects of myself because they will be judged or not accepted.  Oddly enough, with all the outright affection and nurturing between my mother and I, we don't end phone conversations with an "I love you." I know my mother knows how deeply I love and cherish her, but I guess this is a good reminder that it never hurts to be explicit with the depth of our feelings.

Dr. Jenn is the founder of Dr. Jenns Den at http://www.drjennsden.com/
 

Anne, age 42, says:
The one question I have always wanted to ask my mother is why did she marry my dad? Over the years, I've gotten some interesting responses to say the least. Such as "because he was the one" or "we had so much fun together" or my personal favorite, "because he was ready." I have a feeling the real
answer has yet to reveal itself.

What I think is that at the time my mother got married, she didn't feel like waiting was an option. She was 19 when they first started talking about it and in Cincinnati, Ohio in 1964, that's just what you did. I am sure she loved my dad, very sure. Unfortunately, she didn't feel she could make a decision that started with her. I don't think she has regrets, but I think
her psyche could accommodate gray.

For me, marriage is a dicey subject. I waited and explored and still did not
end up with a good situation. I wonder how my daughters will decide what is
best for them.

Anne Wagner is a writer, branding expert and the founder of NovaStoria' http://www.novastoria.com


Shelley, age 50-something, says:

Believe it or not, the one thing I never asked my mother for was advice on how to have a healthy romantic relationship. Until recently, I was married for 30 years. So, on the surface it appears that I figured this one out - at least for 30 years. But not really!

My parents just celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary. I truly believe they are a happy couple but when I was growing up I thought what I was observing was a not-so-happy couple. What I didn't understand at the time was that couples disagree. It's part of life. If everyone agreed on everything it would be a boring world! I think youth is wasted on the young. As I got older, my parents got wiser and so did I. But I never felt comfortable enough in my own skin when I was younger to muster up the courage to ask my mom how to keep the man in my life happy. Or how to be happy myself.

When I was a newlywed and my husband and I had our first argument, I remember wanting to rush to the phone and call mommy. I didn't do it. Something stopped me from taking that vulnerable moment and allowing my mother and her wisdom in to soothe me and comfort me. I think I got the "I can take care of myself" gene from her, actually. You might say we've both been stubborn. Once I got married, letting our hair down and being real with each other rarely happened. I found "extended family" to do that with over the years.  But I feel I missed a golden opportunity to connect with her for all those years in that heart centered way.

So much water is under the bridge now, there's no need for me to think about what could've been. That's a waste of energy. What I do know is that both she and my dad love me, and I love them. If you are musing over something you want to talk to you mother about, or reveal to her, go for it. I wish I had all those years ago.


Shelley Anderson is a celebrity personal assistant, and the author of the book and blog http://www.dealingwithdivas.com

Notes from the ME-Love Train -  Chicago & Mothers Day

Eight days in Chicago. Four media appearances. Three business meetings. Two speaking engagements. Two parties. Three friend dinners. Enough to keep two people busy, for way more than eight days. And plenty of 'work' to deserve a break at least one of the days that I was in Chicago. Even God rested on the 7th day right? But he wasn't a woman. And he wasn't a woman of the 21st century, born with a pair of genes that I call with both affection and despair, the Achievement Junkie gene and the Doing Addict gene. I've got them both. And chances are that if you are a woman between the ages of 0 and 100 you have them too. We've handed down these genes from generation to generation of women for centuries, like a good set of china. The problem is that unlike pretty china, these genes don't just come out for special occasions. These genes run our lives, 24/7.

My mother was a doing addict, still is. She can't sit still. Can't stop working until she has 'worked' hard enough to merit resting time. Growing up she was our full time mother, she worked full time in a big corporate building, ran a girl scout troop, ran a side business, cooked our food, sewed our clothes and fixed up our lake cottage on the weekends she was supposed to be 'resting'. I am the product of a doing addict, another generation of women doomed to feel that I either must be 'doing' all the time or feel guilty for not doing something. Even after 7 years of working to change this gene in me, it's still there. This last week in Chicago I found it virtually impossible to take one day for myself, to just relax. The universe had to actually make me sick with a sore throat (threatening my ability to speak the following day, which got my attention) to get me to stop. This was extremely ironic considering I was speaking to a group of women about the exact thing I was suffering from - the inability to take care of myself, sans guilt. But we teach what we are here to learn, and I learn more about self-love everyday.

I really don't know who is to blame for this self destructive gene that makes it hard for me to relax (it is physically painful,) to find value in just 'being', and to believe that I am enough right now without accomplishing anything else. I can't really blame my mother, she got it from her mother, and she from her mother and on and on. And I figure since I already have guilt, I sure as heck don't need blame too. So this Mother's Day, I am giving back by Doing Addict gene, again. Since I can't actually return it to a store like I could a set of china, I've decided to put my feminine super power, creativity, to use so that I can at the very least, get this gene regulated. It's time for some Doing Addict Therapy! Now, I realize that some of my therapy tactics may look like doing behavior, and it's because I've learned that the best way to get my Doing Addict under control is to get her on my side, working for me not against me. If you are a fellow Doing Addict, I invite you to try these out too:

Doing Addict Therapy

• Become a fantastic relaxer.  "I am a great relaxer, practicing many different forms of doing nothing." No TV, no crackberry. Now I am not going to sit and stare at the walls, that is painful and not relaxing for me. What I am going to do is find what relaxes me and then do that. I've been practicing with reading fiction books. It takes me to a different world and totally relaxes me. What relaxes you?
  
• Pick a sacred time when NO work can be done. "I set time each week that is just for me." I call it Goddess Sunday, and from the time I wake up until noon I do nothing that involves achieving anything. No talking about work, check lists or house work. Just me, a latte and the goddess. Maybe a book, magazine, or a talk with my guy. But no work on Goddess Sundays until noon. When is your sacred time?
  
• Have FUN with my friends, not work, not problem solving, FUN. "I have play dates with my friends when we just have FUN." I like to think of being 15 again and what we did for fun. Walk in the rain, listen to music, talk about movie stars, watch ridiculous movies, eat ice cream, drink wine (well maybe that's different). I've become much too serious with my friends - a side affect of the doing addict gene - and I am committed to laughing and being girls. When is your next play day? 

For more self-love ideas, you can download the Madly in Love with ME self-love starter kit at www.madlyinlovewithme.com

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
Often when we read magazines we first see... THE COVER!!! You tend to see a celebrity. Imagine: Long and wavy flowing hair. Tan and toned body. Beautiful makeup. Bleached white teeth. Couture dress. This is what some women aspire to be. They get a picture in their head and strive long and hard to become it. Why? The most common thing is simply not being pleased with how you look because it's obvious that if you LOVE who you are and the way that you look that you're not going to be trying to be something else. But women who do feel like they "must look like Jessica Beil" tend to have issues with themselves. We see our unnoticeable flaws from the EVIL OBJECTS!!!!!!!

EVIL OBJECT 1: The mirror. Everyone has one yet they are so bad! They are where we check ourselves to make sure we look our best. The mirror is where we see that non-flat stomach. The mirror is where we see our zits, unwanted hair, cellulite, etc. It's where we stare at ourselves and it just stares right back. It tends to be an image of hatred and judgment simply from not loving yourself. Isn't that the look when you see people judging you when they don't love you or think you're beautiful?

EVIL OBJECT 2: The Wii. No we do not all have the Wii but happen to own one. It has several tests where at the end it will tell you what age you are based on how well you did. I have gotten my age, 14, but I have also gotten (drum roll) 47! The Wii then tells me that I am out of shape for my age and I should continue the exercising every day will help me to become basically more close to my age. The Wii is extremely fun but evil as well. You just have to learn how to take constructive criticism.

FINAL EVIL OBJECT: MEDIA! All those magazines. TV shows and commercials, Ads, etc. are what tend to make people think they must be something they aren't. The problem with all of these is that they are unavoidable. When you see an ad that makes you feel fat, forget about it! Getting mad about it is bad for the mind. It's good just to forget about it.
In a nutshell: What makes everyone want to be something they're not is lack of confidence.

You must LLLOOOVVVEEE yourself!!! And you must remember, when people tell you something mean about your looks, it's just because they are jealous and/or self conscious themselves.



Janet, age 24, says:

Women constantly get caught in what I call the 'perfect body trap'. We are constantly bombarded with images of super models, celebrities, and other famous people, in the grocery store, at malls, billboards on the highway, at home through your TV, and on the internet. With all these points of contact, it is no surprise that most women develop some sort of body image hang-up or get stuck in the 'perfect body trap'. The articles written in some women's magazine constantly talk about what is 'perfect'. Defining 'perfect' is something that women should shape on their own, but the constant images and articles convolute our opinions. The flip side is what we don't hear enough about; and that is how hard and demanding physical body image is in the spot light. The fame can drive some of these women to take drastic measures with their health and life. When you hear the bad stories, puts reality of life and body into perspective and famous woman are real people too. If the media put a healthier spin on image and what is accepted, it might be easier for women to be comfortable with who they are. Some magazines and celebrities are speaking out against traditional images, but aren't given enough attention and resisting the change. If more women embraced who they are, it might start to influence the media to re-define 'perfect' body images.

The women that don't get caught in the 'perfect body trap' seem to have a bigger self awareness. They know that their body has the capability to do amazing things, run a marathon, hug a loved one, carry a child, and so much more. I think they also have an inner understanding of what it means to be a real woman. I myself get stuck in the 'perfect body trap' all the time. When I start thinking negatively about my body image, I remind myself this is me and I do love who I am. My body is only a part of who I am, and if I treat it right, eat healthy, and take care of myself, I always feel more confident about my body image. Some of my close girlfriends feel the same way. We talk about how much better we feel when eating right and working out. It provides a sense of self about defining who we are as women in our 20s. When you have a strong self confidence about your image on the outside, the inner spirit starts to shine through!
         


Katie, age 35, says:

The wisdom that comes with age has made all the difference in my life. When I was in my young 20's, I had three friends who were all three years old than I. I was a starving college student, and they were all in their first jobs. To me, they seemed glamorous: beautiful, fit, tan, making their own money, and all with boyfriends.

By (what I'd thought at the time was) comparison (but what I understood later was just the difference in age and priorities between me and them), I felt "cute," out of shape, pale, broke, and loveless. I fixated on the big diamond studs that all three of them had in their ears.

Adorned in their diamonds, my friends looked valuable, rare, cherished ... everything I thought I wasn't. I know now that I was all of those things; I just didn't love myself enough to realize it. For a few years after that time, while I was in graduate school and still broke, I plotted about the diamond earrings I would buy for myself one day. Of course, my obsession wasn't really about the diamond studs. Obsessions never are.

That was 1.5 decades ago. Between now and then, I've spent much time alone on beaches and in forests, reflecting on who I am. I've also written a lot in journals, in the dark of my living room at night, with candles lit and soft music playing. The more time I spend in serene settings, the more expansive my inner peace becomes ... and the farther away I get from those diamond earrings. I know I'm inherently lovable, so I no longer need "evidence" to prove it.

Looking back, I see that I could have looked just like my friends did back then, by spending more time and money on my appearance, and less on school. I wasn't wrong to go to graduate school, burying myself in psychological theory and spending weekends under library lighting; they weren't wrong to join the 9:00-5:00 work force out of college, spending their Thursday nights at happy hour and their weekends by the pool. There was never a comparison; we were and all precious in our unique ways. With maturity, I came to know that.

I never did buy those diamond earrings, and I can't imagine I ever will.


Debba, age 40-something, says:

I've heard it called 'the Oprah Factor.' We see Oprah and other celebrities with things we wish we had and suddenly we feel entitled to things beyond our lifestyle or any form of reality. We get coerced into feeling like we deserve expensive designer clothes and belongings, envying the plastic surgery-stretched or air-brushed faces and finding some appeal to the paparazzi-lives of the rich and famous.
 
My take on this, and I'm a bit passionate, if not obsessed, is that if we have friends that love us the way we are, that we're much more likely to accept our bodies and ourselves. When we truly love our friends, we respect their opinions, right? And, if their opinion of us is that we're beautiful and treasured, why should we doubt them?

Why would I want or need to emulate celebrities when I have true friends who accept me with or without make-up, love me dressed up or dressed down, and see the beauty in me when I can't see it myself? How could I ask for a better life or situation that might mean that I'm removed from the very people who encourage, challenge, support and love me?
 
Research shows that female friendships make us feel more confident and beautiful. They also make us healthier, happier, less stressed and live longer. Girlfriends are 'the secret to defining ourselves.' They see past wrinkles, scars, gray hairs or bad hair days to the beauty we possess inside of us. They don't compare us to celebrities or other popular images that may be society's measure of beauty. They just love us as we are and they make us feel more beautiful, accepted and loved.

And, as the saying goes, "The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert) With our girlfriends supporting us, we can define ourselves by looking within and by looking at us through their eyes. That mirror of an old friend reflects the beauty they see in us, and that we need to see ourselves in as well.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
The 21st century lady. The one that everyone seems to want to be? What images define her? Well, it really depends but from what I can tell from watching TV and going on the computer is that most women would like to be that tall, thin, tan, voluptuous woman. You know, kind of like a Playboy bunny! You can even look at young girls. Girls around my school always say, "I'm so short!" and "Wow Olive! When I stand next to you it makes me feel so tall!" Oh but that's not it! They will also say, "Oh my gawd! Olive you're like as white as a ghost (chuckle)!" and "I'm fat!" There's a classic.

I am disappointed to say that what the 21st century lady seems to be is a self-conscious and mean person. Why does it matter to you that I am super pale? Oh I'm so sorry! Am I blinding you? What's weird is that in Asia one of the best selling cosmetics is Chanel's whitening creme! This makes it obvious to me that the 21st century lady is someone who wants what she's not. Even stick thin people say stuff like I'm fat.

The other day at school we were watching the movie "Dances With Wolves". It then occurred to me  that growing up in a Native American tribe in nature seemed nicer than having 50,000,000,000 dollars. Imagine growing up not even knowing the feeling of wanting to be someone you're not. Just living in nature. No materialistic goods. Just a huge family with culture, tradition, and acceptance. That would be the best life possible



Janet, age 24, says:

Image is a tough idea that so many women deal with in today's society, whether it comes to body issues, role models, celebrities, or just defining ourselves within our circle of friends, the topic constantly comes up within my circle of friends. Body image conversations always seem to creep up, positive (I feel great because I have been working out all week!) and negative (I am never going to have the body of ________). We have our own definition of who has an ideal body, Heidi Klum, Gisele, Madonna, and a lot of women strive to achieve them. One of my goals this year has been to accept my body the way it is and feel my best and I have come along way from where I was last year. When am feeling bad about my 'imperfections', I remind myself that I work-out, feel strong, and my body got me through the day!

Another image we face as women is that of our role models. They are mothers, friends, women in history, and so many more. Recently, Michelle Obama has been referred to as a role model and fashion icon. She has captured the attention of our nation and it is amazing to hear what other women have to say about her. I admire her for putting her children and husband first in her life and how she understands the importance of family, especially when they are in the public eye so often.

Defining who you are with your friends is another image women seek to grasp. As we mature into our mid-20s, I find my friends look to be seen as women who can do it all. Career orientated, boyfriend/husband, friend, volunteering, makes time for family, has a pet, and so much more. I look at the girls who do all of this, and don't see their happiness. I know I tend to throw myself into things head first, but have learned that doing so isn't fulfilling Sometimes it is best to take a step back, and do what makes you happiest so you can be your best self. I think it is the best way to define your own personal image!
         



Katie, age 35, says:

Today's woman steps out of her urban dwelling, briefcase in one hand and latte in the other, hair perfectly styled, enshrouded in a darling, professional ensemble. She walks in the highest of heels with the greatest of ease, never stepping in dog poo or sounding needy, as she trots through the city on her cell phone, talking to her perfect boyfriend.

That's the fantasy. That's the image of the modern woman that I hold in my mind. It's the picture that keeps me awake at night, wondering how I got here: steeped in consumer debt, with last year's fashions to show for it; bunion-footed, from mercilessly squeezing my woman feet into Barbie doll shoes for years; and lamenting that I perpetually leave the apartment with wet hair, too rushed to use the blow dryer or avoid the dog poo, as I stomp hurriedly along city sidewalks, to jump-start my dizzying, over-scheduled day. And ... boyfriend? What boyfriend? I can't find the time to meet one.

For me, the three images that most define today's woman are: 1) confident, flawless; 2) adorned with material indicators of professional success; and 3) needing nothing. I've acquired those images from several sources: my family, certain women's magazines, and social commentary. There is an externalized feminine ideal, and I believe every person in the world holds a unique version of it. That fictional picture refracts women as we truly are.

I don't subscribe to every such ideal. I don't have a negative body image; I wouldn't change a thing. I don't speak in excessively polite tones, using only the "right" words; if I feel like it and I'm in a comfortable setting, I swear like a drunken sailor. And I don't buy high-priced fashion items or pointy, high-heeled shoes anymore; I shop frugally and buy shoe brands like Dansko, Ecco, and others that introduce style to comfort.

But I do hold myself to a standard of a certain kind: the one described in my fantastical scene. Doing so has the adverse impacts on me that I've set forth in my real-life scene.

Yet, contradictory as this may seem, the same images that harm my experience bring out my authenticity. When I don't use the standard to abuse myself, it lifts me to a higher place. I just have to remember that I'm aspiring to be the best version of me, not anyone else.



Debba, age 40-something, says:

March 8th is International Women's Day. It was created in 1811 by Clara Zetkin to recognize achievements, advancements and continued challenges of women globally. Celebrated in 49 countries, it is a wonderful reminder of how far we've come and how much more we need to do - for all of us. (For more info, visit www.internationalwomensday.com)

This day has a lot of impact on me when I consider what women have achieved in the past 100 years - the right to vote and bear witness, as well as improvements in equal pay and opportunities. (We're not all the way there but we're moving in that direction.) It also reminds me to look beyond my neighborhood to other places on the planet where women don't have rights and are subjected to injustice and unfair conditions.

My idea of a 21st Century Lady is global. With the daily bombardment of mass-media and the Internet, we're confronted with travesties and challenges that lie ahead for our international 'sisters.' While we can take pride in previous accomplishments, we all are aware of women suffering, whose voices are muted from decisions and from impacting their lives and future.

Images that come to mind are the girls in Mumbai who my girlfriend Tina just visited on a mission trip. As young as ten, they are sold into sex slavery by their parents. How can that not make us stop to think - and cry? Situations like that always confuse me how we can feel that our society is so 'advanced' yet things like this take place in our lifetime.

Another image prominent in my mind is my girlfriend Becky. Becky's husband found out he has a rare and aggressive form of cancer this week. She is part of the 21st Century images because there are too many women dealing with cancer - theirs or their family and friends. And not just cancer, but we're dealing with unemployment, divorce, and often wanting to be in a different situation (work, relationship, weight, etc.). Life is short and often we get wrapped up in 'stuff.' This girlfriend reminds me to appreciate all that is in my life and how we can't take anything for granted.

To take a more positive note, another image of 21st Century women are the 160 Girl Scouts that I spoke to recently. They're full of hope and curiosity. I spoke to them on the importance of girlfriends and how we're there for each other through guys, jobs, changes in our lives. I hope they will appreciate their friends and reach out to others. That's a great image for the future of women. Debba Haupert is founder of GIRLFRIENDOLOGY, the online community for women based on female friendship www.girlfriendology.com .

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37
I have one friend in particular.  My very best-est friend, in fact. With over twelve years of history together all of the times I have coaxed her out of the self-love dumper have merged into all the times she has drug me out (kicking and screaming usually).  It is hard to separate which memories are whose.  It occurs to me now that I am insanely lucky to have a girl friend like this.
 
The instance that comes to mind is a middle of the night phone call.  I realize that this may not seem like much thought or effort to you, dear reader.  But I will tell you this: Sleep is my Number One priority. Above sex. Above cleanliness. Even above eating. (My man-friend claims that my last life was most certainly spent as a cat.)  Anyway, what was so special about this phone call is that my friend needed help.  She needed love and she needed it right that instant. I put aside my extra-ordinary need for sleep, in order to be with her fully. Present in my adoration and listening - even at one o'clock in the morning. I don't even think I said much. I was simply there for her to cry to. I gently reminded her that she was so beautiful she was blinding. She was the strongest, most powerful and neatest person in the whole wide world. I reminded her she was going to get through this - whatever 'this' was - because she had made it through so many 'this-es' in her life. I told her I was proud of her.
 
I think these words come naturally when you love some one so very much. They are easy to say when you find someone so beyond the limits of incredible. When any girl friend - or when I my Self - am in the dumper, the easiest way to negotiate out is to remember and remind of all the power, strength, wisdom and beauty possessed naturally. Who we really are. To recall that this 'dumper' stage is temporary because we are not darkness. We are the glory and shimmery shiny glitters of light.



Katie, age 34, says:

When I was in high school, I had a best friend, Kelly (fictional name). Though she is a year and nine months younger, she was like the older sister I never had, and I admired her like a younger sister would. She was cool, hilarious, smart, morally righteous, drop dead gorgeous, an insanely creative theatre genius, and more centered than any other teen I knew.

If I'd ever found a stepladder tall enough, one that would've permitted me a peek into her darkness, then perhaps I would have seen all of Kelly then. But from my vantage point, she was a perfectly collected, emotionally balanced, one-dimensional, Zen-like creature.

Now a mature adult, I see all of Kelly's dimensions. Recently, she was in tremendous pain, and she reached out to me. She had been working in her dream job, acting and directing for a theatre company. Her extraordinary talent was on display, so she was setting her world on fire doing the work she loved. Then, she was fired. And not just fired, but fired in a cruel manner, by a man in the company's new management who was threatened by Kelly's light. Kelly only had to tell me a few insults he'd hurled at her, for me to see the truth of what had happened.

Kelly told me her story through tears, grasping to figure out what she, the most radiant example of a woman I know, had done wrong. Why hadn't she been good enough? What had she done to upset this man? How could she have prevented him from ruining her reputation and career the way he did? Each time Kelly brings up another angle on the heartbreak, I listen with love. I can hear that she's lost her center, but also that she's not far from it. As her older-younger sister, my job is to help her find it again.

I don't give Kelly advice, as she's wise and fierce and capable of seeing the truth. I elicit the power within her, by asking what I think are the right questions, until she tells me the "right" answers: "Katie, I was more than good enough. I was great." "I didn't do anything to cause this, and there's nothing I could have done to stop it." I love seeing Kelly gradually come back to herself. And I feel honored to be her partner in that journey.


Janet, age 52, says:

Recently a dear friend called to say that her LOVE bubble had popped...not only was her Loving Relationship with her beloved coming to a grinding halt but everything else around her seemed to be following the same downward spiral! Including the relationship with her aging mother (who is suffering from Alzheimer's) pushing her further down into the abyss by berating her...and my friend was taking it All in, believing that everything was her fault! She went to that deep dark hole that we have all climbed into one time or another as a result of not feeling worthy or good enough, that somehow she had not done what she was expected to do, spoke the right words or put in the right amount of time and effort into the situation ~ she was ready to pitch a tent and have a giant pity party!

Well, that was definitely not going to happen on my watch...! I reminded and reflected back to her All the Wonderful Gifts that she possesses...the Gifts that I have been a recipient of on many occasions. Her deep commitment and compassion towards others during their time of need! I continued to share with her how I saw her...a big Shining Light & Generous Spirit who would give the shirt off her back to others...a person who would  drive through the pouring rain to let my dogs out because I was delayed getting home! I shared my own inner turmoil and challenge in showing myself the same compassion I am so willing and freely giving to others ~ I know from first hand experience how much easier it is to show and give others Love before giving it to mySelf!! I also shared with her that just this past week I had a total melt-down and that my first thoughts (and reaction) was to climb into my hole...and then as suddenly as those thoughts came they went because darn it I have done way too much work on mySelf...and walked thru too many fires...to go pitch a tent in that dark stinky hole!! And I reminded my friend that she too has come too far and done a lot of hard work to so readily and easily cast it aside and buy into that crap that she is not good enough and hasn't done enough...at the end of our conversation she thanked me, and with that "Thank You" I reminded her that we are All A Reflection of Each Other...and that I was choosing to see Her Inner Beauty in the Mirror of our Friendship.

Being Wise... taking in the wisdom across generations
by Christine, age 37